Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

[quote Cam77]@BlingLoving
think thats an oversimplification. Theres a hell of a lot of middle ground between a "nuclear family obsessed society" (this point I agree with) and having plus ones/twos in the room at the birth. If the husband suffers anxiety, could he invite his mum/dad in as well. Where does it end?[/quote]
It’s not the husband who’s giving birth though is it. If he doesn’t feel like he’ll be a support he should do the supportive thing and suggest his partner have someone there who will be supportive.

The man does not get to invite anyone in as he’s not the patient. Why’s this so difficult to comprehend?

And I had my mother in law and my DP present when I had our baby. But it was my decision.

I think it speaks volumes about your relationship if you feel you need to have your mum there for the birth. Obviously you do not trust him at all to provide the level of support and comfort you’re going to need. I honestly don’t understand choosing to have a child with someone who you don’t trust to get you through the delivery. Just doesn’t bode well at all.

Wow there’s a hell of a lot of people who have taken a few sentences from ops relationship and decided her partner is an abusive arsehole.

OP ( if you’re still here), it doesn’t sound like you have had proper discussions about either your DM being there, or the water birth. If that’s so you need to actually sit down and discuss them, why he feels like he does and why you feel like you do, and work through it together.

Presumably you usually have a good relationship as you’ve chosen to have a child together. Talk to each other.

I personally agree with some pp, I think the birth is about the two you and your child, and your relationship. I can’t imagine wanting anybody other than my partner being my support, but if you feel you need your mother there you need to explain why to him. I understand his hurt though.

And yes I have given birth, four times.

I honestly don’t understand choosing to have a child with someone who you don’t trust to get you through the delivery.

This

“ He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.”

Wow. He sounds like a prick.

Maybe he should insist on his mother being there.

If he is giving birth he can insist on the milkman being there if he wants

It’s sounds like you are in another controlling relationship tbh. If my partner described birth as disgusting I would leave.

@jessstan2

I don't understand why you want your mum at the birth, it's not like you'll be on your own, your baby's father will be there. Why is that not enough?

You don’t need to ‘understand’ it. It’s her choice, not his. Or do you think that the man’s feelings over childbirth override the woman’s feelings? Have you always been so misogynistic?

If my husband told me a water birth was disgusting he'd get free swimming lessons with a cement kickboard

I too think that people are maybe being a little harsh to the OP's partner. I mean, assuming he's not abusive and controlling in any other way, the OP should just tell him to butt out and explain that her being stressed will inhibit her oxytocin levels which will slow down labour and lead to a greater chance of complications in birth. Therefore, if having her mother there will make the OP less stressed, he doesn't get a say in what is primarily a medical event affecting the OP and the baby. End of.

That said, I don't think this necessarily means he'll be a terrible birth partner or that men who are terrible birth partners are terrible partners either. The truth is that first-time parents, whether men or women, often have very little experience performing a caring role towards others unless they do it in their day-to-day job. Caring is boring, tiring and often gross. So it's not surprising that dads with no experience of this don't measure up in labour. Assuming they go on to do their fair share of babycare, night feeds and nappy-changing and cleaning up vomit and diarrhoea-covered sheets after tummy bugs and other illnesses, they should be much better equipped for it the second time around .

Are those who say they can’t understand why she’d want her mum there for real?? You really think that a woman choosing her birth partner should put other people’s demands before her own? Giving birth isn’t a performance. Mothers should be supported in having the birth they want.

OP did you have any counselling between relationships? I say that because without it, many people don't address the issues caused by it and end up in abusive relationships next time despite trying really hard not to it isn't like people wear signs warning us!

I do wonder if he has you thinking you're in charge but if he has the power to decide whether you have a water birth or not something is wrong here.

I'm with your partner on this one Tbh, it is his first child and any birth is a magical experience. What can't he offer that your mum can?

Of course you should have the final say but I can see where he is coming from. My mum and sister were present for my first as I was a single parent but it didn't even enter my head 2nd time, I just wanted it to be me and my now DH.

I honestly don’t understand choosing to have a child with someone who you don’t trust to get you through the delivery. Just doesn’t bode well at all.

This is a ridiculous statement. Whether or not a man can advocate for his wife during childbirth is not the defining characteristic of how he will be as a husband and father.

DH isn't great at first aid so perhaps I shouldn't have had a child with him?

Is this a wind up or something?
Do you usually let your partner dictate to you while you take the back seat?

What can't he offer that your mum can?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha !

Mothers have had years of caring for others and putting their needs first. It comes as second nature to my mother. Generalising here, but many first-time dads may still be used to being looked after themselves to a degree. You just don't need that during labour.

I'm with your partner on this one Tbh, it is his first child and any birth is a magical experience

Not always the case. I had my mum at the birth of my first and only son. My ex was there too, and was useless and uncaring. It was traumatic and I would have my mother present again if I have another. It wasn't magical that's for sure.

@Soontobe60

Are those who say they can’t understand why she’d want her mum there for real?? You really think that a woman choosing her birth partner should put other people’s demands before her own? Giving birth isn’t a performance. Mothers should be supported in having the birth they want.

No, I just find it strange that she would want her mother. To me my husband is the first person I want for support in anything. My mother comes next, but as an adult, my husband is my support and I am his.

But I also understand that we are not all the same, and if that’s what she wants she needs to talk it through with her partner.

I think you have to consider his opinion to a certain extent, I know you're the one giving but this is an experience for him too. He needs to go into a bit more depth as to why he doesn't want her there imo. He also needs to understand your reasons for wanting her there and that they aren't to lessen his presence, but to help you feel supported.

As for the water birth thing- I don't agree he should be able to decide this. Giving birth is pretty disgusting anyway, water or no water.

Good luck!!

If you are allowed 2 people there ask your mother to wait outside and come in and out as and when you need her. Her support helped you the first time, and with respect, your partner has no idea what it's like to give birth. You and your mother do, so that is a comfort to you.

She is also someone, I hope, who can advocate for you, like asking for more pain relief, change of position, and so on. She may be able to spot if something is not right and kick up a fuss to ensure you get the right treatment. Men tend to be a bit like the rabbit in the headlights in this situation, in my experience.

Your partner feels now he will be a support and yes, I agree he will, but sometimes you need an advocate who knows what's needed because they have that valuable thing your partner doesn't have, experience.

@Fairybatman You've read the same book I did many years ago!

What the actual am I reading here?
There have been several posters who think the following is the way to go:

• Dear partner, I will be going through a traumatising, painful, messy and dangerous process. The outcome will likely be better if I feel secure and relaxed. Therefore I want X and Y.
• No. I, the spectator, don't want you to have X and Y.
• Of course, whatever you decide, my lord and master..

He told you that you couldn't have a water birth??!

If my DH said that, he wouldn't be attending the birth. Not sure we'd stay together after that tbh.

Please tell your midwife that he has said this.

OP. so has he also expressed his opinon about what pain relief you can have, if you are 'allowed' a CS or if you are permitted to breastfeed?

Infact someone describing birth as disgusting has no business in the labour room.End of