Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

Talk to your partner some more until you can come up with compromise that you both can live with. After all it’s is mostly watching you being in pain until baby gets out and not getting in the medical team way.

During these covid times where partners are not allowed in postnatal ward (and only one parent per day in nicu) men wanting to be present at birth is more important. Dh was at the c-section and then he didn’t see us until five days later when we were discharged. During normal times it was minutes or hours before they could see the baby or partner.

@stressedhousebuyer

He says he doesn't want your mother there as he will feel uncomfortable yet you're the one giving birth and personally you feeling of comfort is more important. I think he's being immature if he can't suck it up and be there for you and respect your wishes

This. It's your choice, he's being selfish and putting his wishes above yours. How dare he, what a lack of empathy.

It’s your choice but I am really sorry that this man is but a good enough partner to you for you to want to be with him, and only him, at this special time.

My Mum is dead and I miss her immensely but I absolutely didn’t feel her absence when my son was born- the birth of our child (and the preceding year of IVF) was a private thing between my husband and me and the idea of anyone else, no matter how close, being involved in that would have been unthinkable. I trusted the medical professionals to provide the necessary additional support.

I'd be more inclined to say you should consider respecting his wishes if he wasn't so bloody awful about everything else.

No adult should respect another person's wishes about their own body. Your rights over your own body are absolute, including who you want around when naked, or vulnerable, or undergoing any kind of medical treatment.

I'm actually quite concerned about how many people seem to think that a labouring woman has fewer rights than the rest of us.

If your mum just sat in the corner last time, why do you need her there this time? It is your second birth so odds are it will be more straightforward.

There are two questions here. Should OP exclude her mum, if she is allowed two birth partners (seems unlikely). Then, if she's only allowed one (likely), who should it be?

OP, does your partner realise that, by making this all about his status and ego, not about supporting you through a painful experience, he might not only fail to have your mum evicted but might also be demonstrating his unsuitability for the role of birth partner at all?

I think there are red flags - one that you don’t feel he is enough support (ie what has he done or not done to make you feel that way) and two he is not respecting your wishes.

@ChloeCrocodile

I said consider them, as in consider that there might be solid reasoning behind his opinion that would put her mind at ease. I think I made it pretty clear in the rest of my comment that I wouldn't pay heed to his demands.

@Wolfgirrl

If your mum just sat in the corner last time, why do you need her there this time? It is your second birth so odds are it will be more straightforward.

Because she said her mother was a calming presence. And if that actually helps, then that's great.

He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

No decent man would say this, ever.

That is the bottom line so it's not really possible to say here that he is wonderful, supportive etc. I strongly suspect that he's 'wonderful and supportive' when you're agreeing with him and that this is the first time you've stuck up for yourself because this is so important to you.

I would advise you not to have him at the birth because any man who comes in with the attitude that he calls ANY SHOTS AT ALL simply shouldn't be there, the most likely effect of their presence will be to stress you out.

You don't want to do that obviously.

I think it would be a very good thing for your relationship if you said - it's my body, I am the one giving birth and if I think I will labour better (and therefore more safely) in water and with my mum there, that is what will happen. You can choose to be there or not. But you don't get a say and no decent man expects to have their wishes prioritised here. No decent man HAS 'wishes' surrounding a birth.

However I really suspect that he isn't as nice as you think he is. I am sure your presvious ex didn't start off as abusive either.

I never understand why people want their mums there when they have a supportive partner. It's not her baby

@hedgehogger1

I never understand why people want their mums there when they have a supportive partner. It's not her baby

If you read the thread, there's plenty of people explaining why.

Some people aren't very helpful people to have around when giving birth. They're not used to dealing with boredom, pain, distress, blood and gore and find the whole thing a bit embarrassing. They also try to minimise what you're going through to make it easier for them ('come on, it can't be that bad!') which is bloody annoying when you've been in agony for hours.

My DH falls into this category. He was present for the birth of DS and, tbh, if we have another, I'm not bothered whether he's there or not. He either slept or sat looking alternatively bored or horrified the rest of the time. If you ask him, he was very involved and a great help because he fetched me water . Different perspectives, huh? I'm not bothered enough to exclude him next time, so long as he STFU and stays in the corner, but I'd secretly love it to be just me. If he started making demands or interfering (e.g. saying no pain relief, no water birth), I'd hurt him very badly and then have security throw him out.

You should definitely have your mother if she would be a support to you. I wouldn't have wanted mine...she couldn't have coped with me being in pain for hours and would have panicked during the complications (I had trouble during the pushing stage and was very ill when the placenta wouldn't come out afterwards).

In retrospect, my dream birth would have involved me, the medical professionals and no one else. There's a reason animals in the wild drag themselves alone to a dark, safe space to give birth. Giving birth is not a spectator sport, which a lot of men seem to think it is.

@hedgehogger1

I never understand why people want their mums there when they have a supportive partner. It's not her baby

I never understand why, as a society, we've got to this point that the nuclear family is everything and that once you're married it's just you, your partner and your children. It feels so sterile, unhealthy and unloving to me.

Him not wanting your mum there I can understand, though of course the choice is yours. He probably thinks its meant to be a "life" moment shared by the two of you, not the two of you + one.
Him saying you can't have a water birth as its "disgusting" wasn't on at all though. Very controlling.

Are you still there @motheratbirth?

I hope you feel a lot more empowered from reading this thread to have the birth you want.

Just remember - it's not his birth. Just like if you were doing anything else natural with your body (poo, wee, sick, even dying!) it wouldn't be any of his business either. It's half his baby but not half his BIRTH. That's entirely yours and your baby's.

Have your mum there and a water birth if that's what you want.

I don't have a vested interest in your choices by the way - I had 2 very easy non-water births with husband present and then one very easy home birth with no-one present till the last hour because I wanted to do as much of it on my own as possible. They were all MY choice and I really want to encourage you to make YOURS.

OP

With my first I had both my mother and my partner there and a water birth. Your partner has absolutely no say about how you push the baby out of YOUR body because YOU are the one who has to deal with labour and birth.

You're the one going through it not him.

Tell him when he's the one pushing out a baby he can have who he wants and whatever method he wants, until then your doing it your way.

As someone who has witnessed birth, I’d say birth partners also need support. If your labour goes on for a very long time and he wants to go fro fresh air, buy a coffee etc, he will feel a lot better having your mum there. I’ve also seen a lot of men in tears outside the room because they are struggling with what they are seeing.

It is your birth, your choice. Whilst I’d respect my partner voicing his opinion, it would not take precedence over my own. x

@BlingLoving
think thats an oversimplification. Theres a hell of a lot of middle ground between a "nuclear family obsessed society" (this point I agree with) and having plus ones/twos in the room at the birth. If the husband suffers anxiety, could he invite his mum/dad in as well. Where does it end?

I had my mother there at all 3 births she is the closest person to me and being a woman knew excately what I was going through something my dh didnt understand.

If he thinks a water birth is disgusting he's going to have quite the surprise coming with everything else that goes on!

@hedgehogger1

I never understand why people want their mums there when they have a supportive partner. It's not her baby

Maybe because Labour and birth is an extensive and long process which, if not experienced before, is absolutely petrifying to go through.. I was 19 when I had my first and having my mom and my OH was extremely calming for me. She was a serene presence who had been through this before so knew exactly how to help.

Yeah, I'd much rather stick to me and the medical professionals only, than have a distracting, attention-seeking, unhelpfully commenting partner present.

The fact is that straightforward births are mostly pretty boring and the birthing mothers fairly inwardly focused. The partner is likely to spend hours sitting and waiting and maybe a few minutes passing the water bottle or saying a few kind words.

If it gets tricky, having someone who can act as your spokesperson with the professionals, tactfully yet assertively, while recognising when to get out of the way and let them get on with it, could be useful. Then again, they know what's in your birth plan and will usually do their best to honour that as far as possible.

[quote Cam77]@BlingLoving
think thats an oversimplification. Theres a hell of a lot of middle ground between a "nuclear family obsessed society" (this point I agree with) and having plus ones/twos in the room at the birth. If the husband suffers anxiety, could he invite his mum/dad in as well. Where does it end?[/quote]
Perhaps. But I stand by it. As I said previously, labour would, in the past, have involved multiple women there. I didn't want others there, but I completely understand why someone else would and find the cries of, "This is between you and your DH" all a bit weird.

But then, I also don't understand this idea that parents of newborns should be isolated for three weeks to bond with their babies, keeping extended family away etc etc. So ... [shrug] I guess.

If my daughter asked me to be there - I'd only agree if her husband was 100% on board with it. It's a very intimate and precious moment that I wanted to share alone with my husband, I wouldn't be there if they both didn't feel the same way.