Partner doesn’t want my mum at birth of our son but I do. Should I ignore him?

[motheratbirth]

I’m due the end of September so have a while to go, hopefully the COVID situation is better so people can come to the hospital with me.

As the title says, I want my mother there but my partner said he doesn’t. We spoke about it when we first found out I was pregnant and he said no but I let it go because I was only like 6 weeks gone. As it’s getting closer I brought it up again. The conversation went like this:

Me: By the way, I do actually want my mum at the birth.
Him: But I told you I don’t want her there.
Me: I know but seeing as I’m the one pushing out the baby, if I want my mum there she should be there.
H: I said no.
M: But why?
H: Because I don’t.
M: But I’m the one giving birth, I want her there for support.
H: Why is my opinion not valid?
M: Because I’m the one that’s going to be in pain not you. So if I need or want my mother there I should be allowed to have her there. She’s not going to interfere at all, just be there in case I need her for support.

(This is going to my second baby, my mum was at my last birth. She didn’t do anything that time. Literally sat in the corner and told me to breathe (until I told her to shut up) and that was it. It just made me feel better just knowing she was there though which is why she just sat in the corner. Explained this to him).

H: I’m your support.
M: Give me a good reason as to why you don’t want her there.
H: It’s my first child and I want it to just be me there, no one else. It’ll be wrong and I’ll be uncomfortable if she’s there. I should be enough support for you so why do you need her? I don’t want her there so she shouldn’t be.

At the point I felt like crying so stopped talking. Dramatic I know but but I feel like it’s my mother not some random person and I’m the one giving birth so why is my opinion not valid? He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now.

Would I be in the wrong if I ignored him and invited my mum to birth anyway?

'So the baby's father isn't allowed an opinion at all?'

He gets an opinion but if she disagrees with that then the mother's wants and needs during childbirth trumped the opinion of the bloke who's greatest discomfort is going to be getting his hand squeezed.

I can't begin to imagine DP trying to control how I wanted to give birth - her only concern was that everything was done as close to as how I wanted it both times.

Who cares what any of us wanted at our births? It's irrelevant to the OP, who knows what she wants for her birth and has her partner trying to deny her that. I'm not bloody surprised she wants her mum there, by the sounds of things this dickhead will be as much support as wet tissue.

If you want a water birth have a water birth, if you want your mum there have your mum there.

But, playing devil's advocate, I wonder if part of the problem is how you both have been talking about it. From your initial post it sounds you are both talking in black and white views. I wonder whether he feels like you are saying you aren't sure his support would be enough and that has got his back up or that he is worried that you think he falls in the same category as your ex. If you talk to him about the different roles the two of them could play during labour I wonder if it would bridge the gap between your two stand points and get you both closer to being on the same page and comfortable with the idea of you having your mother there too.

With the water birth, it sounds like he needs educating on what a water birth entails and the benefits of it. I can completely understand how the uninformed could have "yuk" as an initial opinion. Giving birth in the same baths as hundreds of women! But the reality is so different.

I completely agree, it's your body, & you call the shots. However I feel sorry for your H, it's a very intimate moment, You have done it before, & your Mum has been there before. Your H on the other hand wants to share this possibly once in a lifetime moment with the mother of his baby... I think you should respect that.

Your H on the other hand wants to share this possibly once in a lifetime moment with the mother of his baby... I think you should respect that

It's hard to know what to say to people whose comprehension skills are so poor that they really think this is what this is about.

Quayy "people on here" don't "always" do any thing - but in this case people have reached (not jumped to) that conculsion because they've actually read all the OP's posts. Have you?

banshee screams

Thank you for demonstrating you deep misogyny in those two words.

I was on his side until I read this:

He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now

This is a really immature position and confirms your belief that he has no idea what the birth is going to be like.

Have your Mum there OP.

@Heresaprettypass

banshee screams

Thank you for demonstrating you deep misogyny in those two words.

Ha ha ha ha! Keep reaching.

I think a life partnership needs to have a more respectful discussion than "my choice, end of"

Well the respect goes two ways does it not? His respect for the OP consists of restricting her choices in birth, restricting her choices of birth partner and declining to prepare for it himself. You can't have a respectful discussion with someone showing so little respect to the woman.

It's 2020, and we want - and need - fathers to be active parents

He has a lifetime to be an active parent. He can start by supporting the child's mother in her birth choices instead of making the birth all about him. If the only way a man can be engaged in parenting his own children is to be given control of the birth process he is a shit father from day one.

Its also pretty insulting to all those involved fathers who were not at their DCs' births.

As PP said upthread - men at births is a recent phenomena. Historically birthing companions were other women with experience. In many cultures it still is women who support each other through birth. Birth is the process, not the parenting activity.

Surely you only need your dh. It’s a special moment for him and he doesn’t want anyone else there. Can’t you understand his feelings?
My Son in law didn’t want anyone else and I completely understood and he is the best dad and husband i could wish for. He was totally involved with his babies from the very beginning and before anyone asks what about my daughter I can say he truly cherishes her.

Sorry OP, I find it very hard to believe he's amazing in all other aspects of the relationship but willing to treat you so badly at a time like this! Dictating what pain relief you're allowed during your labour, the support you're allowed access to, and how you're allowed to give birth, just doesn't seem like the way that a caring or decent person would behave. And it's unacceptable. I'd be rethinking his place in your life, never mind the delivery room.

@Gogogadgetarms

I was on his side until I read this:

He already said no to a water birth because ‘it’s disgusting’ so feel like he’s being unreasonable now

This is a really immature position and confirms your belief that he has no idea what the birth is going to be like.

Have your Mum there OP.

Yes thank you I have. Now tell me how ‘he’s a prick leave him’ or ‘just take your mum and leave him out of it’ is helpful?

I had all except my last my dm as a birthing partner. She has a way that makes me feel calm and since she has been through childbirth herself I instinctively believe her more when she says there is nothing to worry about. Anyway that is what I felt when I had two birthing partners. I found her presence more calmer. Dh was as clueless as I was and was very happy when I suggested having her during birth. He even confessed that he would have preferred to wait outside until baby was out. Few minutes/ hours won’t harm their bonding. However, after my last birth he has said if we ever get a surprise baby than he would like to be present as he enjoyed seeing our last baby being born. He loves all his children.

Sorry @Gogogadgetarms I quoted the wrong quote!

Maybe he should insist on his mother being there. Personally I don't understand the idea of having one's mother there.

I'd go with your husband. He has specifically said he doesn't want her there and I had my mum there. If my husband had said he didn't want her with us I would have asked her to step out.

OP could his wishes be linked to the fact he doesn't want to be linked to your exes behaviours? That your ex sounds like an ass and he thinks this is why you had your mum last time?

Have you asked him why? Maybe confront him with this and see if this is actually why?

The water birth bit I'd ignore his wishes but it sounds like a bit of male pride?

If you want a water birth, have a water birth, if you want your Mum there, then have her there.
Warning bells are ringing away here- trust your instincts and do what you feel is best for you, your body and your baby.
If he is a partner worth holding onto he will respect your wishes and stop behaving like a petulant toddler seeking to control every aspect of this experience for you.

It's really no wonder that so many women stay in abusive relationships or are unable to recognise red flags. I am sickened by the amount of pressure on OP on this thread to not only adhere to her partner's demands, but to view them as his "rights" and frame them as completely normal and reasonable, when no decent man would ever treat their pregnant partner like this. People like these PPs are complicit in the wider abuse of women because they sustain the culture of gaslighting in society that makes women doubt themselves and makes them doubt the support they would receive if they were to leave.

OP - nobody has any rights whatsoever in this situation except YOU. Your partner could do with a reminder that actually, he isn't entitled to be there at all. His presence is only on your say so, so his "I said no" is irrelevant. YOU get to choose your birthing partner, and it doesn't have to be him at all. He has absolutely no power in this situation to make any demands, vetoes or "put his foot down" in any way. 100% of the decisions are 100% yours. If you want your mother to be there as well (which is a perfectly natural, perfectly legitimate, perfectly sensible, perfectly appropriate thing if it's what you want) then you do that. He has absolutely no grounds to object. The birth is not about him. It's not a "special moment" between a couple. It's about birthing the baby safely and as comfortably as possible. A significant part of that is YOU being at ease and feeling supported. Therefore YOU are the only person who gets to make decisions relating to the birth. His opinions, or wants, or demands, or feelings have ZERO bearing on the birthing process. It is 100% about you and your baby.

OP, I think the PPs who said you've swapped one abusive partner for another might be onto something. He may be "less abusive" (or less overtly abusive at this stage in your relationship) but that doesn't make him a good guy. Be on your guard and maybe consider the Freedom Program.

Good luck with it all.

I'd be more inclined to say you should consider respecting his wishes if he wasn't so bloody awful about everything else.

It's absolutely disgraceful that he has "banned" you from having a water birth which could be less painful, on the basis that it is "disgusting". That, paired with his "winging it" mentality, displays a deeply ingrained, sexist attitude that giving birth is just what women do and not a big deal, and that being attractive is more important than their comfort and health. I would probably tell him you need a woman there for this reason. Or, if you're not feeling that confrontational, tell him you would compromise and not have your mum there if he applied himself to researching as much as he can about childbirth so he is actually prepared to be there for you. That way might be a win win, as if he is a decent person like you say he might just be ignorant, and researching what childbirth is like might open his eyes a bit and you might end up with a coparent who actually knows what he's doing if he realises it would be useful to do a bit of reading.

All in all, though, he really does not come across well, and he very much shut you down during the initial conversation if it played out the way you say. Reading between the lines about this being your second child and his first, and the emphasis that this is how you did things last time, I could hazard a guess at what his hangups might be that are making him dig his heels in, but his attitude isn't looking good at all.

Of course you discuss it with your partner, but it isn't a joint decision, in the end, it's your decision. And if having your mum there makes it a better experience for you, makes you more relaxed or supported or whatever, then that's what you should have.

One of the points of a birth partner is someone to be there to advocate for you, to help you achieve what you want to happen, within the parameters of the anarchy that is childbirth. Your husband is already not just "not advocating" for you, he's directly squashing your wishes and making it all about what he wants.

The more he pushes for this, the more important it is for you to have your mum (or whoever) in there to be on your side. He's not even supporting you now, months before the birth. How supportive is he really going to be in the moment?

I would respect his opinion and not have your mam there. I would examine why you feel you need her there, it would suggest that your relationship with your DH is not great. Having a baby is a really magical intimate part of a relationship and your mam being there takes away from the couple's moment and makes her part of it.

I would resent the intrusion.

@123th

It wasn't that long ago that men weren't ever at the birth and the birthing partner was usually the mum. This has nothing to do with him and the idea that it's an intimate experience between the parents is not only a load of rubbish it's a social construct.

After reading all the OP's posts, I'm feeling he's demonstrating controlling behaviour. Trying to dictate what kind of birth the OP can/cannot have is worrying.

And having DC of my own, I can honestly say the births were just an experience to get through, there was absolutely nothing special or intimate about them.

Ex was okay as a birth partner, and my mother would have been completely useless. But that doesn't mean that other women should feel the same. If they want their mums there, then that's their choice.

In fact, my DD (who I hope doesn't have DC for a long time yet) has already told me she thinks she wants me present at the birth, because I am a calm and supportive person, and she feels I'd be able to be an effective advocate for her. If she wants me there, then I will be.

Having men at the birth is a relatively recent thing. My younger DB was born in the early 70s, and it was still the case then that men dropped the women off and didn't attend the birth.

And there is actually a view by some medical professionals that men being present at the birth hinders rather than helps. Like this report.