The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread #6 - 🐧 The Penguin Huddle 🐧

[KnitKitty]

This is a safe space and supportive thread for anyone who is pregnant following a loss. We all understand the worry and anxiety that can come from being pregnant again following miscarriage/stillbirth.

Please feel free to join, even if you were not on the original TTC thread.

Starting the roll call copied from the last thread. Not everyone is on there, so please add to it/update/edit.
Also, thought it might be fun if we add Girl/Boy/Surprise on there too, so we can see who's expecting what

@Amanda81, 38, EDD 27/12/19
@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, 37, EDD 03/01/20
@Laney79, 40, EDD 06/01/20
@Bluebelltulip, 29, EDD 09/01/20
@KnitKitty, 32, EDD 29/01/20 - Girl
@UnicornsandRainsbows1, 29, EDD 29/01/2020
@Newbie21, 38, EDD 06/02/20
@InDreamland, 39, EDD 18/02/20
@Tina363,29, EDD 26/02/20
@Frillyfarmer, 29, EDD 28/02/20
@Strawberry, 28, EDD 08/03/20
@Ginmonkey84, 34, EDD 16/03/20
@DuvetCaterpillar, 34, EDD 27/03/2020
@ChikiTIKI , 29, EDD 04/04/2020
@Navy123, 29, EDD 10/04/20
@Catconfusion, 40, EDD 12/04/20
@Janey15, 34, EDD 13/04/20
@TinyPaws, 33, EDD 18/04/20
@Flyfisherlady, 37, Edd 24/04/20
@Dimblebimble, 29, EDD 29/4/20
@FirstTimeMama91, 28, EDD 06/05/2020
@SunshineCrocodile, 37, EDD 4/6/2020
@TwittleBee , 25, EDD 25/06/20

And a shout-out to the Mamas who have already had their beautiful babas!
@Boboelephant, @Yukka, @Melpops36, @Beaglemum93 and a special mention for our hero mum @Squiff70 who we continue to keep in our thoughts and prayers.

@VenusStarr Lovely to have some news from you. Thanks for dropping in! I hope you're on here with happy news soon. Really sorry to hear about the second MC. Hoping that the polyp removal will be the start of better things to come. Big hugs xx

@Pandora71 It must be so hard losing a child and I can absolutely see that it would have a big impact on how you experience TTC again. It sounds like your GP is supportive, which is good.
Ignoring the pregnancy was one of my coping mechanisms in the 1st trimester. You've got to do what you've got to do.

My MW appointment went well today. BP is fine which is a relief. MW said around this time you get another surge of hormones which can make muscles and ligaments stretch and be really uncomfortable.
Baby G is 4/5 'pp to brim' (for other first-time-mums, it means she could feel 4/5ths of the head, so she's slightly in the pelvis). But she did say that she could move position and it doesn't really mean much... Which did make me wonder why they check this and make a note of it...
Growth scan tomorrow. Fingers crossed for good growth and healthy placenta!

Hi ladies I’m just over 8 weeks pregnant. I have 3 children 12, 10 and 8 also had a stillborn baby girl. I was 27 week when I lost her. Her name was Cherry Blossom. I am scared to death. I am 37 so no spring chicken! I had pre eclampsia with all my girls they were born 5/6 weeks early. I have high blood pressure anyway so I’m high risk. Also I went for a scan at 6 weeks and they found a 7cm cyst in my ovary! It could go up or down. Any one else ever had this? Xx

@Tazzle2007 welcome to the thread, sorry to hear about the death of your daughter.

@Pandora71 I think any loss makes us more aware about what can go wrong. Are you doing anything to mark her birthday?

@Knitkitty good luck with the move this week and growth scan today.

@Twittlebee how is your ds now? Has everyone else avoided it? It's ridiculous that you weren't given help to move.

Hi ladies. So annoying, had a whole loooooonnnngggg post typed out yesterday morning on my commute into work and then lost it all when I hit "post". Can't remember now what I wrote to you all and I was far too exhausted on way home to attempt to type it all up again. So apologies in advance for anyone I miss on this post.

@KnitKitty good luck with your growth scan and for the house move! Thank you for the list. Between you and @Rubyroost list I feel I have a decent shopping list now.

@Twittlebee everything that needs sorting I need to do .......if I want it done right. Hope you didn't catch the sickness!

@ReeRi lovely to hear from you here. Fx you join us soon with a BFP.

@VenusStarr sorry to hear about your second mc. It's just horrible. Fx though that you get a BFP soon and can join us here.

@Laney79 wow you're so close now! Really not long to go!

@Squiff70 glad to hear Ava is making progress. That's disgraceful how they spoke to you. My EPU offered me a pad both times for both my mc's when I went in. You'd think your maternity unit would be prepared for situations like yours.

@Mistymeow maybe wait for some offers in the new year for a spa break babymoon. Some spas do special mum to be packages. I always get a good offer at Champneys.

@Bluebelltulip anniversaries are always so hard. I hope your DH can still enjoy his birthday.

@janey15 over half way! The planned episiotomy sounds like a sensible plan.

Sorry I'm posting a bit at a time. Don't want a repeat of yesterday morning and losing an entire post.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue how are you enjoying the maternity leave? Hope you're putting your feet up! More central line problems this morning! On my way in now as it's running again after being suspended Epping to Woodford in peak rush hour. It's hideous.

@Tazzle2007 sorry to hear about your daughter. Welcome to the thread! The ladies here are massively supportive.

I'm 31 weeks today. DH and I went to the full day NHS antenatal class on Saturday and we found it really informative and extremely well run. So pleased we chose to do that one. Lots to take in, thankfully it's all in the handbook they gave us too and glad that they made it all relevant to the hospital and birthing unit for our Trust. It's been a super busy weekend and I'm exhausted. Really struggled at work yesterday because I'm so tired and today I'm feeling no better. I'm also really emotional and tearful. Think I'm feeling really overwhelmed, thinking about the two I lost last year and how this should be their first Christmas, petrified of something going wrong and losing Bubsy and also if things are okay then how unprepared I am ..........I was the only one in the class that has bought zilch. All the ladies were 2-5 weeks ahead of me but still, I have nothing but still too scared to buy anything. We went to the local Asda afterwards to pick up the free bounty pack and they were all out and I thought that's a bad sign. Head is just all over the place. I've got tonnes of presents to wrap this coming weekend and feel like I've not got enough time to do it all. DH is away for work tonight so I'm scared something will happen and he'll take ages to get home. I'm just in a bit of a panic.

@InDreamland those people are most likely very lucky to not know the pain that you know as so feel able to get prepared. They're only stresses are most likely not being prepared enough still. Honestly, I wont be buying anything (beyond a pre made birth bag at 20 weeks) until we are on our way home. We will stop off at whatever supermarket and buy what we need from there. There isnt anything a baby needs that you cannot get hold of quickly and easily, thanks to supermarkets and prime or even friends/family/neighbours. So dont be worrying about that (easier said than done I know!)

@Tazzle2007 welcome to the group, I am so sorry about your baby girl.

Good luck @VenusStarr - I hope you are back here real soon

DS is all better now, he seemed to perk up last night so really was only a 48 hour thing thankfully! I am worried I might come down with it, I feel like crap this morning but I havent had any S&D or temperature yet so hoping maybe its just pregnancy symptoms making me feel like crap. DH has avoided it too lucky as he has his work party today and then his close friend's funeral on thursday so he really cant be ill for that.

10 days until the start of my infection and scan checks start up. I was feeling positive about these being scheduled in when they first got mentioned but now the DR has said she doesnt think either will actually

Actually @InDreamland I have just remembered a conversation I had with my MW about exactly that. She said how it is recognised problem for those who have gone through baby loss and so at my hospital they actually have a bag for for new babies born after loss that contains everything they will need for first couple days of life. Midwife said all I need to worry about is my own birth bag stuff and she will hand me my baby's birth bag stuff if need be

Thanks @KnitKitty and @InDreamland -
Had my 16(17) mw appointment yesterday and she did offer to listen to baby's heartbeat. Found it pretty instantly and I did appreciate hearing it as I wasn't totally sure I was feeling baby or gas! By where she placed the Doppler, it is baby I am feeling so that's a relief. I thought it would make it more... real ? For me, but I still don't feel like I am getting to grips with there very likely being a baby here come May. Maybe the 20 week scan will do that for me, or maybe I'll change my goalposts yet again 🤷🏻‍♀️
I'm having a very busy time at the moment, should be able to relax a bit from around mid January. Perhaps that will help too

Hi ladies hope you're all doing well! I had my 20 week scan last week and everything is fine. Had my first kick just before the scan and now feeling pretty regular movement though dh can't feel it yet which he's a bit disappointed about. Is anyone else's little one a night owl? She mainly seems to move in the evening, especially 9-10.

Had a horrible nightmare about losing the baby last night 😞 woke up so sad but relieved to realise it was just a dream.

@Twitwooo I'm 21 weeks and I'm only now starting to feel like it's real, I think because I can feel her moving properly. Up until the first proper kick I knew I was pregnant but didn't really feel like there was an actual baby in there! 😆

Welcome to the thread @Tazzle2007, sorry to hear about the death of Cherry Blossom. What a sweet name 💕

@Pandora71 welcome to the thread, and sorry to feel about your loss. It's normal to feel anxious during pregnancy after loss, even if you have no rational reason to worry. Grief is irrational by nature. I tried to not get my hopes up and to avoid thinking about the pregnancy too much until 12 weeks after previous mcs, and it helped for me.

Good luck with the house move @knitkitty!

@Squiff70 sorry they were so rude to you. I am 21 weeks and haven't bought anything, let along maternity pads! They should have some spares just in case! Hope Ava is doing okay x

@Dimblebimble Thankyou I called her cherry blossom because it’s a flower and I have 2 daughter called Daisy and Poppy but also as she was born when the cherry blossom trees were blossoming in April. In Japan they say that the cherry blossom symbolises tenacity that only loves for a short while. As they only blossom for 2 weeks of the year xx

Evening ladies,

Sorry, selfish post.

Had my growth scan today and it wasn't 100% positive. The really good news is that Baby Girl has grown steadily since my last one two weeks ago and is moving well, so I think she's healthy, so I'm holding on to that...
The not-so-good news is that I have practically no amniotic fluid left now... apparently only approx. 2cm!
And also my blood pressure was a bit higher and I had a bit of protein in my urine.
So, I have to go in for monitoring on Thursday... They will check urine and BP again and also monitor Baby's heartbeat for a while. I am likely to be signed off from work so that I can take it easy if BP is still raised (although consultant wasn't concerned enough to tell me not to work today/tomorrow). And I'll need monitoring again next week too.

And basically it boils down to this; my next growth scan on 31st December will be to determine if baby needs to come out then (I think they would give me steroids first and then whip her out), or if they can keep her in there for another week... Either way it means she'll be a bit early at 36 or 37 weeks (assuming she doesn't make an appearance before that).

Her estimated weight today was 4lbs6 (was 3lbs8 last time). I'm just hoping she can chub out a bit more before she makes an appearance. I think I might have to find some prem/tiny-baby clothes for her...

I also have the usual worries regarding her arriving early... Hoping she won't have any breathing difficulties etc...
I have to say I've been really freaked out by it all and my head is spinning a bit. I went to work this afternoon but ended up going home early because I just could not concentrate.

I just feel really bad that she's in there all dried up!
And it feels like even more pressure having to keep a really close eye on her movements and for any unusual symptoms. This pregnancy malarkey is really hard.
I had a bit of cry with a colleague this afternoon... After the 4 losses last year it's really hard not to feel like it's inevitable that I'll lose this precious little bundle as well... Trying hard to hold on to the positives from today, but really not feeling good emotionally.

@Twitwoo glad your appointment went well.

@Dimblebimble congratulations on your scan and movement.

@Tazzle2007 lovely name and sentiment behind it.

@KnitKitty I'm sorry it didn't go as well as hoped but as you said her growth is good which is really positive. Seems like monitoring will be thorough and I hope things stabilise so that you get to 36/37 weeks.

@InDreamland it's not uncommon for parents after a loss to find it difficult to prepare in another pregnancy, have you spoken to your midwife about it? I know I would have struggled much more if I didn't already have DD1's things.

@KnitKitty that's so bloody nerve wracking. You must be so worried, but I guess they'll be monitoring you and whipping her out of necessary. I can't imagine how worried you are. Hope you can/she can hang on until the end of December 🤞

@InDreamland it is ok not to buy anything. There are only a handful of things you “need” to give birth and nothing that can’t be Amazon Primed. Being “unprepared” doesn’t mean you care any less about the baby. All of here just know we can’t count our chickens, and for me, not even once they’ve hatched.

@Twitwooo scans might make it feel more real or it might not. Don’t worry to much about that and try to look after yourself physically and mentally.

@KnitKitty did they tell you any signs to look out for in regards to the fluid reducing? Would you just go into spontaneous labour?

@Dimblebimble glad your scan was good and you are getting kicks now.

@Tazzle2007 I love your flower names. I was in Japan a few years ago in April and it was truly spectacular. What a wonderful thing to name your daughter after.

I’m not sure what we are going to do for DD’s would-be 1st birthday. I think we’ll walk down to the tree where her ashes are spread, sing happy birthday and have some cake down there. Then maybe just spend the day looking at photos and videos and trying to hold on to those happy memories. I can remember exactly how I felt this time last year - massive and overdue, excited, restless, energetic. Full of anticipation. It’s so painful to look back at my former self. Not quite “carefree” but happy.

Oh @InDreamland that is a real worry. When my waters went, I still had 6cm left (just for comparison). I am so sorry you have this stress. Can you ask if they give you those steroids earlier in case she does make an earlier appearance? Will you need magnesium too?

Sorry ignore that @InDreamland!!! I was confused as thought you weren't quite that far along! Saw the green OP colour and thought it was you (you were OP of last thread!)

@KnitKitty please see what I wrote above to InDreamland and apply to yourself! So sorry

@Pandora71 sounds like a nice way for you to celebrate. Do you have any other support, i.e. a hospice? Just wondered as our Hospice has been giving us lovely suggestions regarding celebrating our son and including him in things.

@twittlebee No. DD wasn’t ill. She died in her sleep for literally no apparent reason. There was a very thorough post mortem and they found nothing. She was a big, healthy, BF baby who died sleeping safely. It is very difficult to accept and digest, and how I live on with a potential new baby after this experience I just do not know. Everyone knows bad things happen all the time with no warning but nobody lives their lives as if they are about to experience it. There is very little support for situations like ours. DH and I support ourselves and each other.

What support did you get from the hospice? How did your DS die? I’m not always finding everyone’s backstory in the thread as I’ve just recently joined.

@Pandora71 you're right there is such shit support out there for grieving families who have lost a child. My son was 5 days old when he died (sepsis took hold of him, hospital failed to spot he had an infection when he was born). Hospice stepped in and filled that gap of having no support after Roy died. I'm just wondering if you're able to self refer for support; our son's consultant recommended us there for support. The Hospice holds about 6 events a year for bereaved families (not all due to sick children, appears from talking to other parents most are there after sudden and unexpected deaths) but also continual counselling support if we need it.

For example of something they help suggest we do; as a way for us to include our son and our daughter we miscarried at christmas they suggested creating this box wrapped up like a present and each year at christmas we can write a note to our children and store them in the box.

Thank you @Bluebelltulip, @Rubyroost, @Pandora71, @Twittlebee.
I'm really glad I'm going back in to PAU tomorrow as I think I'll talk to them about how I'm feeling.
There's been no leak from my waters, the levels have just decreased, so there's not really any symptoms to look out for... I'm not sure I'd even notice leaking 2cm of fluid now either. I'm not sure if I'm more likely to go in to spontaneous labour or not...
Magnesium wasn't mentioned. I think as they're hoping I'll reach 36 weeks they want to avoid giving steroids too early.
I took my last progesterone pessary last night... I guess the drop in hormone in the next few days might have an effect...? It's just a waiting game at the moment.

Baby Girl was moving a lot last night as though she was trying to reassure me.
I just feel really bad that she's in there without a nice snug water bath. Trying to avoid Googling too much as I don't want to come across horror stories, but my mind is worrying about all sorts of things. (Surely she can't practice swallowing/breathing/peeing...?)

My manager told me to come in to work late this morning to take some time to relax so I'm just slowly getting ready now. It might be my last day of work...

Sorry not to reply to individuals today. I've been reading all your posts and sending hugs to you all. You're an amazing bunch of women and such a huge support. Thank you. xxx