It’s not my husbands baby!!!

[Ashley021]

Hello again everyone, I shared a thread a few weeks back about my situation, I didn’t reply but I read everything and I listened to everyone advice and opinion respectively.

Anyway I’m lost I don’t know what to do or where to go as I done a prenatal paternity test while carrying and the results came back as not my husbands.

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant and my husband still thinks it’s his baby, we already have a little boy together and I’m so devastated about ripping the family apart because of my little boy. I feel so so so guilty, I feel like I have destroyed my life.

The guy who baby I am carrying is a wonderful guy to be honest and has said he wants to be involved and he is very excited about having a little baby girl but at the same time he is very very scared of the future especially because of my situation, and how my husband will react.

So I’m super confused what to do?

Do I tell my husband? now that I know the results so far into the pregnancy? I’m scared his reaction could put me into labour!!!

Do I not tell him and pretend it’s his child to keep my family together?

Do I not tell him YET and wait for baby to be born then do a DNA test?

I’m just so scared myself on what to do, there isn’t no easy way out and I have to suffer the consequences as it was my choice to cheat on my husband. Just not sure what next step to take.

Thanks for listening.

@DecomposingComposers Have you not seen how many posters have advised OP to not tell the truth? It's sickening. Here's hoping she finally does the right thing and for once chooses honesty over deceit.

I couldn't read through all the shaming and vitriol. What a judgmental bunch of harpies! The OP knows what she did wasn't great but I strongly suspect her H is an abusive person and therefore, not all that surprising that she turned to someone else for comfort. But comfort wasn't all she got, clearly!

If I were in such a situation, I'd be freaking out big time. I escaped from an abusive marriage and I would recommend OP does the same.

DO NOT tell your H, OP if you believe that there's a chance he will harm you and your unborn child! Get away, take DS with you and cite "irreconcilable differences" and "abuse" (if he has already shown himself to be abusive or whatever it takes to ensure your safety.

The children come first, always. And the mother too, if she's pregnant.

Leave the judgments at the door and lend this poor woman your support.

DecomposingComposers Have you not seen how many posters have advised OP to not tell the truth? It's sickening. Here's hoping she finally does the right thing and for once chooses honesty over deceit.

I have and I agree it's sickening. I'm can't believe anyone thinks it's ok.

Get away, take DS with you and cite "irreconcilable differences" and "abuse" (if he has already shown himself to be abusive or whatever it takes to ensure your safety.

He hasn't been abusive though has he? So why does he deserve to loose his son because of what op has chosen to do?

@shiveringtimber So you suspect someone is abusive on what ground exactly? Because he has a penis? The OP herself has multiple times said her husband is a good man and not abusive at all and does not understand why people are commenting that he is. All she has said he would be angry at the truth, and I suspect most people bloody well would be. Not once has she even stated he has been abusive to her, not ONCE.

Perhaps give the thread a good read and put yourself in this situation if a partner deceived you in such a way.

Stop trying to victimise her when she is not a victim here at all and even herself admits it. Are some of you incapable of putting blame on a woman even when she is wrong?

Seriously, some people on here..

@shiveringtimber I'm guessing that you missed OPs post above where she said she'd misrepresented him and he's not abusive or aggressive, and would probably just leave her, but that she was scared because surely anyone would react angrily?

Sorry, sorry - I did say I hadn't RTFT. So no abuse. But this is a done deal and all the blaming and shaming isn't going to help, is it?

You need to come clean now, he deserves to know and he will find out anyway as other people know. The longer you leave it the more it will hurt him. Be cruel to be kind and tell him. You slept with someone else and in doing that theres always the possibility of pregnancy. You need to be an adult and own your actions and its concequences.

Just read that you're scared what he will do to the biological father, seriously op that's not really your concern. Baby daddy needs to man up and grow a bigger pair.

I've been reading this thread to see how the OP manages the situation but I've had to comment on the amount of vile hatred that has been directed at her.

Let me say first of all that I do not condone her behaviour and thinks she should be honest with all interested parties.

BUT. This is not a place for you all to spew anonymous internet troll hatred. She asked for advice on how to deal with a difficult situation. She knows what she did is wrong, she is remorseful and I'd trying to forge a path forward.

Regardless even if you think her morals are loose, she is already down in the dumps yet half of the comments here are just posting to continue kicking her when she's already at her lowest.

So in summary, if you don't have any constructive advice to help her navigate this very difficult situation (regardless if it's of her own making) then stay silent and find another outlet for your cruel words.

@Ashley021 I truly hope that you find the courage to be honest with your husband. The sad reality is regardless of how it happens, the road ahead is a painful one for all involved and I'd encourage you to surround yourself with people who truly love you and can help you and your family heal from the fallout of what's to come. Regardless, remember that this mistake doesn't have to define you if you chose now to act differently. Good luck ❣️

Despite you being in the wrong OP, I do feel for you. It's a terrible situation and when you fall in love with someone else and have kids, it's terribly complicated. Your mistake was not falling in love with someone else (it happens), but how you handled it. I'm sure you're well aware of this now, so I wont bang on about it!

It will all come out in the end. You can't keep the other man away. So it's best your partner and son know now,rather than later where it really will hurt them. You need to think about how you will explain this to your son as well as your partner. Unfortunately, I know you feel ashamed about everyone knowing, but you have to just face it now and hold your hand up and admit you were totally in the wrong. People will be more sympathetic if you act in this way.

Agree that you need to speak to someone who will be able to have DS for a few days at the weekend who is understanding of what position you're in. He really shouldn't be around when you come clean. Have a bag packed for yourself ready and somewhere you can stay for a few nights prepared too. Tell him, answer his questions, but if it gets heated, leave, as you need to consider the health of your baby too. Warn the other man too. He may want to book a few days off work in case husband shows up.

The difficult thing is you can't really move jobs now either as you may miss out on mat pay, so if your husband is forgiving, you both being in the same building all week may cause issues.

I hope everything works out for you and hope the pregnancy goes well for you.

" I strongly suspect her H is an abusive person and therefore, not all that surprising that she turned to someone else for comfort."

Is that some sort of joke!!!????
Twice now OP has had to point out her husband IS NOT ABUSIVE!!!!!!

HE IS THE VICTIM.
How some pp have twisted it that her husband deserved to be cheated on, lied to and a baby bought into the world with him thinking it's his blows my mind!!!!
Not only that, she's sleeping with someone unprotected and then going back to her husband!? All of it is disgusting.

This poor man.. made out to be abusive yet op has stated he isn't but god forbid a woman was just a liar and a cheat ... oh no.. defo the husband's fault! 😠🙄

@Roozy123 Yep, and all these women feeling sorry for someone who has continued to sleep with her husband whilst having unprotected sex with another man, but poor her. Yet men are called every name under the sun for the tiniest things on her, but so many posters are unable to hide their bias and agenda, they never can see a woman being wrong and will twist anything to make her be a victim.

----

No one has "trolled" the OP, they've called her action out and told her to tell the truth. Not one person has actually been rude or nasty to the OP either, and if they had - report the post and let MN deal with it. Just because some won't feel sorry for the OP and talk to her as though she's some poor helpless woman does not mean they are being vile and so forth.

This thread is further solid proof of the double standards of many women on MN and it quite frankly is not only sickening but embarrassing and disgusting.

Most of the posts here have told the OP to continue to lie and deceive and have made it seem as though the OP is a victim of abuse when she is not. They have tried to twist it on her husband when in fact the only victims in this mess are the OP's husband and son who will be torn apart if she ever has the courage to do the right thing.

As I said before, we all can screw up, but having an affair for 6 months and behaving as though you couldn't help yourself and then only stopping the affair because you were pregnant? It speaks volumes and all were conscious decisions to deceive and manipulate.

Now is the opportunity for the OP to begin to make amends for the wrong she has done and face the consequences of her actions. I imagine most of you would not be so understanding if you were on the receiving end of such deceit.

Not only has OP cheated on her husband, she has opened him up to sexual diseases by having unprotected sex with another man.

There are some lines we know not to cross in life, and we all have the opportunity to decide what sort of person we wish to be. We certainly make mistakes as humans but if we own up to our wrongs and take responsibility and decide to do better, we can learn.

I have said what I would to any friend, or acquaintance had they given me the same information. I for one do know women can be absolutely vile, we are human after all. You do no one any favours when you try and minimise their wrongs and attempt to paint them as a victim when they have done things to cause so much pain to others. Honesty seriously does matter and if you care for someone you will be honest to them so that they can make better choices.

I've gone off on one, but I sincerely hope you do tell the truth OP and that when you do, you do not try to minimise your actions, but be open to your husband and tell him everything and answer his questions truthfully. You never know, some people are more willing to forgive than others, but how you present yourself will be a huge factor in this.

You owe everyone in this scenario honesty and that includes yourself.

@shiveringtimber You did not state you didn't read the full thread, just that you could not read all the supposed vitriol. Not that I see any. Then called posters judgemental harpies, seriously? The only one who has appeared judgemental so far on this thread is actually you, and you haven't even read the thread properly.

I hope you learn from the post you've made because you made such strong accusations out of nowhere and it is wrong and shameful. Have a re-read of what you wrote and perhaps take this as a lesson to actually read at least OP's post before you post. Suspecting someone is a victim of abuse out of nowhere and based on nothing..

You talk to this other guy daily and you are very close? If so, your DH is going to find out about this affair and come to his own conclusions anyway.

Sorry mumsnet. I don't actually remember what I put in that comment, onviously not acceptable though.

Agree with dreamingdaisy...the op asked for advice not judgy comments!! She knows she is knee deep in shit ,all of her own making and doesn’t need to have it rubbed in !! She obviously is not asking for a pat on the back either!!

@ASeriesOfUnfortunateEvents nothing that you have said about this situation is untrue however your unkind tone is not helping anyone.

As I said in my post, the OP is fully aware that she is in the wrong, is not asking for sympathy but advice.

There is such an unkind tone in your message throwing around words like "disgusting" and "pathetic" that do you think she will take in anything you've said?

Regardless of what you think, your message is not helpful because it's unkind. It doesn't matter if you'd say the same to a friend or family member - you'd still sound unkind.

We've all done things we regret to varying degrees and thus likely relied on others to help us see the right path or to deal with it. It has nothing to do with double standards. She's in the wrong. But seeking help. I would say the same of any man who did the same and was seeking advice on how to deal with it. So either help her or stop throwing nasty words at her.

No one is beneath being showed some kindness.

Another one here saying that the OP has come here for advice. She is beating herself up enough and wants to know how to sort it out for everyone's sake involved. She can hardly turn back the clock and I'm sure she would do things differently if she could.

She is 25 weeks pregnant remember and she is stressed out about this enough already.....she needs advice, not abuse. Give practical suggestions, not opinions.

Tell your husband, he will almost certainly leave, possibly taking his child, or ask you to leave and you can then start planning your new family with your new man.

How is that good at all? I’ve seen a few posters saying he will take the son or get custody etc, but why? He would get shared responsibility but why would op lose her child? That seems ridiculous to me and an attempt to scare.

So not only are you probably feeling smug but like the previous poster says, you only care about this child you created being what can only be described as a home wrecker, great! I dont feel sorry for your daughter I feel sorry for you son and husband! Hope they both leave you high and dry its dreadful what you have done!

Wow, you do realise the baby girl is completely innocent in all of this. Why the fuck would you call her a home wrecker? That’s on her mother surely. What’s a nasty way to talk about a baby that isn’t even born yet. Go and have a word with yourself.

You talk to this other guy daily and you are very close?

Ironic, isn't it, considering OP also insisted that it "all stopped" when she found out she was pregnant

Hard to see what chance there is of her being honest with her husband if she can't even be honest with herself

I can’t believe how lenient posters are being on here.. I’ve seen others crucified for nothing, compared to this! 😳

I think op struck me and maybe others as very young and unusually frank about failings. I felt a slight gentleness for her in her predicament whilst also totally saying she had behaved awfully and needed to fess up
And take the consequences. Poor dh !