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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

It’s not my husbands baby!!!

259 replies

Ashley021 · 08/09/2019 06:35

Hello again everyone, I shared a thread a few weeks back about my situation, I didn’t reply but I read everything and I listened to everyone advice and opinion respectively.

Anyway I’m lost I don’t know what to do or where to go as I done a prenatal paternity test while carrying and the results came back as not my husbands.

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant and my husband still thinks it’s his baby, we already have a little boy together and I’m so devastated about ripping the family apart because of my little boy. I feel so so so guilty, I feel like I have destroyed my life.

The guy who baby I am carrying is a wonderful guy to be honest and has said he wants to be involved and he is very excited about having a little baby girl but at the same time he is very very scared of the future especially because of my situation, and how my husband will react.

So I’m super confused what to do?

Do I tell my husband? now that I know the results so far into the pregnancy? I’m scared his reaction could put me into labour!!!

Do I not tell him and pretend it’s his child to keep my family together?

Do I not tell him YET and wait for baby to be born then do a DNA test?

I’m just so scared myself on what to do, there isn’t no easy way out and I have to suffer the consequences as it was my choice to cheat on my husband. Just not sure what next step to take.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
EmmaLouisLou · 08/09/2019 10:04

I agree you should talk to your midwife about this, they can offer support in this situation (my sister is a mw and this happens more often than you'd think). Could you also talk to your mum about what has happened? Also as others have said pre-natal paternity tests are not that accurate.

If the baby was your husband's would you be able to end things completely with the other man? It sounds like you prefer the other man. When your husband finds out you've cheated do you think he'd still want to be with you? Would you be better off leaving your husband and the other man, getting a place with your mum and son and waiting to do a DNA test once the baby is born? Maybe once the baby is born and you know her paternity you can begin to mend things. Whatever you decide I think you need to come clean now and leave, don't tell dh who the other man is, don't tell him about the test you've already done, just say there is a possibility it's not his daughter. I don't think you can stay and play happy families until the baby is born as the stress will be too much. Stress hormones do affect unborn children, I had a very stressful first pregnancy due to my work trying repeatedly to force me from my job, it was so bad my gp signed me off work with stress. My son has sensory processing disorder which has been shown to be linked to the levels of stress hormones in the mother during pregnancy. Good luck

Beesandcheese · 08/09/2019 10:06

She didn't need the husband's dna, just the side guy's.

Having an affair is a huge betrayal but not actually the very worst thing to do to another human. It's shit, it's relationship ending for 99% of people.
Posters telling you that "this is your punishment" are way to superstitious to go out though Hmm no karma, no God just humans acting as human's do.
It's important for YOUR child to understand their medical/ social history. It would be honest and tough to tell all to your husband. As for fearing his response then get a supportive friend there. If your husband goes off to beat anyone up then hopefully he would be dealt with by the Police as there's no excuse for violence (despite the views of the tarring and feathering brigade on here).
Best of luck for the future.

SlothMama · 08/09/2019 10:07

You shouldn’t have let it get this far, you need to tell your husband he deserves to know. Your poor son, I hope he doesn’t get caught up in this.
However I’d worry about the babies father he knew you were married and that didn’t matter to him. Will he be faithful to you in the long run? I doubt it

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2019 10:07

Well you don't really have a choice, do you, if the father of the baby wants to be involved.
If you don't tell your husband, the father will - so you might as well get it out the way and tell him yourself. The fall out will be bad but not AS bad as if you deceive your husband into thinking it IS his child and THEN he finds out it's not.

What a bloody mess.

SerendipityJane · 08/09/2019 10:11

With all the talk of testing, what if the poor baby needs to know their true parentage in future for genetic treatment ?

Quite aside from blood groupings (and other visible genetic tell tales).

joystir59 · 08/09/2019 10:15

You're loyalty is first and foremost to your children. Then to yourself as their mother. You need to gain control of your life and start having some sensible boundaries and some self respect.

RainbowCrashes · 08/09/2019 10:15

@soupdragon my thoughts exactly!

Gazelda · 08/09/2019 10:25

This will not stay secret. No way.

How were you planning to enable your lover to see his DD without your DH knowing? Would he have any involvement in the name choice? Would he be paying for stuff? You're still having an affair with him, so don't kid yourself that he's going to slink into the background.

The honourable thing to do would be to find somewhere to rent for you, DS, DM and the baby. Then tell your DH the truth. It would be more honest to tell him first, it if you have genuine concerns over possible violence, then I'd move out first.

HollowTalk · 08/09/2019 10:27

Can I ask who paid for the DNA test, OP?

mrsmuddlepies · 08/09/2019 10:29

One in 50 men unknowingly raise another man's child.
www.telegraph.co.uk/family/parenting/one-in-50-british-fathers-unknowingly-raise-another-mans-child/
other sources say 1 in 25
www.theguardian.com/society/2005/aug/11/childrensservices.uknews
Although not mentioned much on MN, it is not that uncommon

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 08/09/2019 10:31

It's almost as if you have gone out of your way to create the biggest mess possible.

NoSquirrels · 08/09/2019 10:34

Does your husband know there is the possibility it is not his? Does he know you slept with someone else?

Your posts are not clear on this, and I think it is the key point.

Perunatop · 08/09/2019 10:36

Tell your husband, he will almost certainly leave, possibly taking his child, or ask you to leave and you can then start planning your new family with your new man.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/09/2019 10:42

I haven’t read the other thread but I’m assuming you cheated on your husband (was it just the once or an emotional affair as well as physical?).

In my personal opinion, there is nothing crueler than what you’re doing to your husband. Your reasons for what to do next are all based around you and that isn’t fair. You absolutely cannot continue to live this lie or think you can salvage your relationship with your husband. You’ve already broken your family apart with your actions so that’s also irrelevant to what happens next. It’s happened and done.

I don’t see an oz of respect from you towards your husband. If you’re worried about his reaction then pack your things up and write him a well thought out letter and don’t allow him to contact you until you’ve allowed some cool off time.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/09/2019 10:45

‘I’m just so scared myself on what to do, there isn’t no easy way out and I have to suffer the consequences as it was my choice to cheat on my husband. Just not sure what next step to take.’

Honesty and respect would have stopped you getting into this situation and the only way out is honesty and respect.

You’ve broken your husbands life apart, he is deserving of the truth and some respect from you.

(I don’t want to be cruel in my responses but it’s a pretty hard hitting situation).

I wish you well in your pregnancy and I hope you manage to do the right thing.

Croquembou · 08/09/2019 10:47

This is your punishment for doing an awful thing to another person

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this situation, I'm not sure this is a particularly healthy view when the 'punishment' is an actual human child. It's going to have a complicated enough start to life without anyone viewing it as a punishment.

converseandjeans · 08/09/2019 10:51

I think you need to tell your husband. He will bond with baby once it's born & it's really unfair on him to think he's the father then for you to announce otherwise.

UniversalAunt · 08/09/2019 10:52

As @Sleepyhead19 & @bionicnemonic posts point out that pre-natal tests are unreliable. It is not absolutely proven that your husband is not the father of your unborn child. Nor do you have irrefutable proof that the OM is the father of the child.

I strongly suggest you find someone (e.g. a professional counsellor) to talk to. Your midwife may be able to signpost you to a service. You need someone to talk to who cannot compromise your confidence in the future.

Maybe consider approaching Relate for 1:1 counselling ?

Your dilemma is your uncertainty & commitment to your OH & your marriage. Couples do stay together after infidelity & sometimes the jolt in the relationship can deepen the commitment on both sides, but often this is not so.

There is a chance your new baby is your husband’s. If you want to stay married, then carry on with this assumption. BUT you need to make a balanced decision about your commitment to your marriage, not a hasty patched-up rushed thing & hence my encouraging you to find a reliable confidential service to talk all this through.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2019 10:56

I married him because I thought he was the one ... then I met the “dad” we work together and we just got on very well, was just friendship nothing more, we had a lot in common and it went from there

Come off it, OP; as with "I tried to stay away and just keep going back", you make this sound like something you had no control over, whereas it's actually been your own choice - and this when you've been married no time at all. The only bit I agree with is that it's just about the worst thing you could do to your DH, so maybe it's best if you "woman up" and deal with it by telling him, so he can make his own decisions

Interesting to see the usual MN double standards at play, though ...

Vendingmachinedisaster · 08/09/2019 11:03

It seems very unlikely the DNA test is wrong if it's matched the other man as father with 99.9% accuracy. That means there was a match between the DNA found somewhere from the sample OP gave and the other man's.

I can see how there would easily be a false negative with prenatal testing but not the other way around.

All the best OP, it sounds like you are in an awful situation and however you came to be there I hope it works out for you all eventually

Roozy123 · 08/09/2019 11:08

@mrsmuddlepies
Like alot of things it might not be uncommon but it doesn't make it right Hmm

DecomposingComposers · 08/09/2019 11:09

OP, I’m sorry you are getting so much grief over this; it’s not the middle ages and this is not “ punishment “.
You did something very stupid and now are showing remorse and want to put this right.

She's considering deceiving her husband into believing this baby is his - on what planet is that showing remorse and wanting to put it right?

Adrianneannanne · 08/09/2019 11:14

OP definitely doesn't deserve sympathy. Cheating is one thing but now paternity is screwed up and this affects both of the children, her husband and another man, as well as herself. And the fact your still talking daily...

Anyway, you just have to tell him. If you're scared, do it in a public setting like a cafe or take someone with you (mum, sis, friend). Definitely do not try and hide this as if the dad wants to be involved it will come out one way or another.

Who's going to be at the birth? You need to tell them both before then!

DecomposingComposers · 08/09/2019 11:16

If you're scared, do it in a public setting like a cafe

Would you really want your entire life as you know it ripped asunder in a public place? Imagine your DH has an affair - would you want him to take you to a public place to tell you?

kkl1 · 08/09/2019 11:57

U need to stop being selfish and do what's right for ur husband he has every right to no why would U tell him when baby is born he might not won't to be around when baby is born ur acting very selfish and already been selfish by having the affair