It’s not my husbands baby!!!

[Ashley021]

Hello again everyone, I shared a thread a few weeks back about my situation, I didn’t reply but I read everything and I listened to everyone advice and opinion respectively.

Anyway I’m lost I don’t know what to do or where to go as I done a prenatal paternity test while carrying and the results came back as not my husbands.

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant and my husband still thinks it’s his baby, we already have a little boy together and I’m so devastated about ripping the family apart because of my little boy. I feel so so so guilty, I feel like I have destroyed my life.

The guy who baby I am carrying is a wonderful guy to be honest and has said he wants to be involved and he is very excited about having a little baby girl but at the same time he is very very scared of the future especially because of my situation, and how my husband will react.

So I’m super confused what to do?

Do I tell my husband? now that I know the results so far into the pregnancy? I’m scared his reaction could put me into labour!!!

Do I not tell him and pretend it’s his child to keep my family together?

Do I not tell him YET and wait for baby to be born then do a DNA test?

I’m just so scared myself on what to do, there isn’t no easy way out and I have to suffer the consequences as it was my choice to cheat on my husband. Just not sure what next step to take.

Thanks for listening.

How did you get your husband's DNA for the test?

Your dh deserves to know you have cheated and deserves to know as soon as possible the baby is not his. He will already be bonding with it which is spectacularly cruel if you allow that too continue.

Your dd deserves to know who her real dad is.

Your ds doesn't deserve any of this. But too late to change that now.

You deserve to suffer the consequences of your actions. No sympathy from me, but you need to do the right thing now and not make the people you profess to care about unknowingly live a sham of a life.

"@BrokenWing

Your dh deserves to know you have cheated and deserves to know as soon as possible the baby is not his. He will already be bonding with it which is spectacularly cruel if you allow that too continue.

Your dd deserves to know who her real dad is.

Your ds doesn't deserve any of this. But too late to change that now.

You deserve to suffer the consequences of your actions. No sympathy from me, but you need to do the right thing now and not make the people you profess to care about unknowingly live a sham of a life."

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 100%

You need to start owning your shit. You are quite bizarrely being treated very kindly here, as though you've made some silly little mistake. You had an affair over several months. That is not a silly little mistake, it is an extended deliberate betrayal. You cannot undo that, all you can do is limit the damage by stopping the lies right now. It is not fair to your husband for him to continue to believe the child growing inside you is his when you know full well it is not. It would be beyond despicable to deceive him into raising the child in the believe she is his or to have the child grow up thinking wrongly that he is her father. If your husband goes after your lover that is for them and the police to deal with and frankly if your husband is that sort of asshole all the more reason to end this marriage. There are no fairy godmothers or magic unicorns that are going to fix this shit. You need to fix it by being honest and getting the inevitable over with.

I love all the poor you youre dh sounds abusive-if i told my dh i was carrying a =nothers man child hed ant to kill him too-ffs

You were seeing another man for ages and now poor you its gone the wrong way-just leave your dh you dont deserve a happy family

Imagine this thread was a husband;
"I've cheated on my wife for 5 months and got my other woman pregnant, I don't want to tell my wife just incase she beats up my other woman" OMG the comments that would come from that!!!

Yet THIS she's willing to add in the fact she's keeping her options open and one is to allow the husband to believe , and his family believe that he's having a daughter.

🤯 You don't deserve sympathy or things being turnt on your husband - YOU DONE WRONG and you're willing to drag it on longer! The right thing to do is tell your husband... yet you're on here asking what to do and explaining it in a way "oh I love them so much etc" "the dad is scared of my husband" WELLLLL he couldn't have been that scared to have has sex with the man's wife!!! And you couldn't have cared to much about ripping everyone's life apart when you were letting him.

Tell your husband so him and your son can start building their life back up from what you're about to tell them.
Stop being selfish.

OP I know this has all happened because of your doing but I really do feel for you - you are well & truly suffering the consequences now but you completely have come to terms with it & sound remorseful 💐

I don't think she's remorseful at all. If this hadn't happened she'd still be shagging the OM, as it is she's still carrying on the affair just without the sex. She's just sorry she got stuck in this situation.

OP, you have to tell your husband, to do anything else is massively unfair. You say you wanted your son to grow up with both parents, well if you keep quiet your daughter will be growing up without her father.

Even if you keep quiet now it will come out sooner or later (especially as the OM knows), and the fall out will be 100x worse.

The fact that you told the other man makes me think you were hoping he would step up and want a proper relationship, and let you and son move in with him, but I'm guessing he hasn't suggested that.

Start with telling your mum and have her there as back up when you tell your husband in case he does lose it.

To all those saying to keep quiet and not tell the truth, I'm going to give you my experience from the other side. I was the result of my mum having an affair, her husband knew I wasn't his so slightly different to OP BUT they decided to not tell me that he wasn't my dad until I was 19. Although I'll always see my (step) dad as my real dad as he brought me up the same as his other children, and I have no interest in my biological dad, I still would of preferred to know the truth and it caused some family tension for me. In short, the OPs baby deserves to know the truth, and she should come clean once and for all.

he knew I was married

More to the point - so did you.

So you're having an affair with this man; you don't still have to be having sex to be having an affair. If you are still speaking to him daily then you are having an affair.

For the sake of everyone involved you need to tell your husband. It would be awful to carry on otherwise. If you think he may become violent then you need to think carefully about how and where you do this.

I’d be pragmatic about it. Assume your marriage is over and decide if you a) have any future with the other guy or b) how you will set yourself up as a single mother.

You should tell your husband you had an affair, if he doesn’t know. I’d be concerned about violence to you and the other man’s child if you told him you about paternity. Can you talk to Women’s Aid for advice on how/when to do this? It’s bad you were muddled over dates because whenever it comes out, that’s another big thing you’ll be confirming was a lie. Remember domestic violence is more common in pregnancy, without things like this to fan the flames. I agree with PP; speak carefully for now and get on with setting up your new life. If he did express any interest in staying with you I’d say you think it’s best you separate for now. If he pushes to know why say you think it would be best for the baby and that you can talk again after she’s arrived.

@Plsnomorepeppapig the ‘what’ was unkind but people are free to express their contempt for OP.

I was on your other thread. I’m astounded the baby has turned out to be the OM’s. I’d definitely do a post both DNA test.

In the meantime you only have the first test to go on, so....

Your DH sound a bit scary - do you actually want to be married to him (irrespective of the baby). If you weren’t pregnant but had to choose DH or the OM (or neither) what would you choose?

If you want to stay with your DH, I think I would tell DH that I was incredibly sorry about cheating on him, and that I’m concerned the baby might not be his. I wouldn’t mention the test. Get a test done when she’s born.

If you want to be with the OM then tell DH you’re sorry you cheated on him, but the baby isn’t his.

I think irrespective of which man you want to be with you have to tell your DH for his sake, but also yours (you’re too much of a worrier (me too) to keep this to yourself you’ll be permanently worried he’ll find out), plus I think your DD has the right to know who her biological father is (if you want to stay with DH and he wants to stay with you, she can have both men in her life, a kid can’t have too much love)

The MOST important thing here though is that you stay safe! Your DH sounds scary & so you need to have someone there (big bloke not just your mum) when you tell him and the OM needs to be careful too. Though frankly fucking someone else’s wife - he deserves to be feeling a bit scared. Yes, I’m aware that’s hypocritical because I’m worried about your safety, but ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

As for your little boy...it’s too late to be hand wringing over disrupting his life, but he’ll be ok.

You tell him sooner, today sooner. You owe him that. This is no longer about you or what's best for your situation, but your husband. Can you imagine him being at your side during labour, seeing 'his' baby being born, then being told it isn't? That is heartless. He'll already be bonding in his own way, tell him today.

I’m pretty sure he would pack up and leave. not beat her 🙄

OP has not said once he's been violent toward her or is a woman beater so why people are making out the husband is a bad man is beyond me!???

She stated he would probably want to go after the other man and the other man is scared of this...

She doesnt need domestic violence help.. she needs help with her morals, loyalties and telling the truth.
How people twist it so the man is at fault when he's not the one that's having an affair!?
His life is about to get ripped apart because of her.
His sitting there right now thinking he has another child on the way while the last 5 month's she's been having sex with another man.

But yes.... please, get away from this man he sounds so so bad for you. 🙄😒

OP, my mother was in your situation circa 40 years ago. She told my DF before I was born and it was agreed that he would raise me along with my older siblings. My real father was appointed my godfather. So I had a relationship with him for many years without knowing who he really was.

They completely fucked up.

I always knew I was different. I always knew there was something not quite right about my ‘special godfather’. The strain of this broke up my parents marriage. She drank heavily as the secret took its toll and told me the truth when drunk when I was 15 and ill-equipped to cope. She swore me to secrecy and refused to talk about it again. Both fathers died in quick succession in my early 20’s without me ever having resolved this with them. I have half sisters who don’t know about me. I’ve been in therapy for years.

You have got to be honest. NOW. Own your mistake and don’t let an innocent child suffer the fallout. Your unborn child has as much right not to have “their life destroyed” as your existing child has. Everyone has a better chance of emerging unscathed if you are honest now, declare the truth, and Let your DH know that moving forward will involve your DD having her real DF involved in her life. Then you have to respectfully accept his decision and deal with it.

We all make mistakes. I accept my parents made what they was the best decision at the time. But I’m telling you now, it was the wrong one and I paid a very high price for it.

I just want to say, those prenatal dna blood tests are VERY unreliable! Please look through the reviews of how many people have done second tests when the child is born and it was completely wrong. Unless it was done with amniotic fluid, and tested in the UK, it may not be correct! Most blood test dna samples are sent to the US. They are damaged in the process. If you got your husbands dna, I know the only way you could’ve had this tested without him knowing is to send it to one of the many companies which are based in the US despite claiming to be in the UK. Our laws do not allow dna to be tested without permission and that is how the companies get around this.
You can only know it’s your husbands if a dna test is done after birth and sent to a reputable UK company.

You know you did wrong and having to live with this secret must be crushing you. The stress and living with that guilt really isn’t good for you or the baby. You don’t need another lecture. I think you would feel better if you told your husband rather than keeping this to yourself. I know you are scared of the consequences but it’s best to deal with this now than later. You’re pregnant and vulnerable. Imagine how you are going to feel when the baby arrives with everyone visiting and meeting it, particularly your husbands family. You will have to sit there in the knowledge that child is nothing to do with them.
I’m concerned that your mental health will suffer if you have to deal with much longer. You will soon have two children to take care of and you need to consider yourself and how you will cope looking after them if you are in a depression because of this.
The other guy knew you were married. He knew there’d be consequences if your husband found out and he will have to deal with that as you do.
I don’t think I could live with the secret without getting myself into a terrible state.
Good luck x

Tbh you sound completely selfish.

You don’t want to tell him so he constantly sees you growing this baby.

You are still having an affair with om even if not having sex . He is the one who you are talking to relying on.

You have done not stopped calling using him.

Your dh has a right to know. It is awful another man knows all of this and your dh does not.

Tbh I am still reeling from the news that you had unprotected sex, how dumb is that -- and that you didn't get a morning after pill or a very early abortion without telling anyone!

You will need to tell him

For mostly the sake of the child

So how did you conduct the prenatal test?
Did you ask your DH for a sample? To compare.
Did you take a sample from your DS.
This article is quite old but suggests prenatal testing isn’t always totally reliable.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.newscientist.com/article/mg20827893-200-the-danger-of-unreliable-paternity-tests/amp/

You cannot cannot let your husband bring up a child thinking it’s his. It is the cruelest thing you could possibly do. I don’t know how you can even consider it. He will find out, you are very confident your other fella won’t tell but you wait until the jealousy of you playing happy families with your hubby & his kid kicks in. He’ll tell.

I’m sorry, you’ve made your bed. Take the consequences. You’ve probably ruined your family and destroyed everything your husband loves about his life. You & his son. I feel so sorry for him.

I had an affair in the past (no children involved). I’d been with my then partner since I was 18 and we’d been together 7 years. I met someone else at work and I wrongly I cheated. I’m not proud of it. That said, it took my three weeks to realise I was completely wrong & I couldn’t live the lie. I took sometime to evaluate my relationship & realised I wouldn’t have cheated if I was happy. So I ended the long term relationship. It was rough but I knew straight away I’d done the right thing. I also ended with the OM and took some time to myself. 6 months later, I went on a date with same OM & we’ve now been together 8 years with children. I’m so happy with him, I wouldn’t even look at another person. He’s my best friend, my absolute other half.

Tell the truth. Be a grown up and face up to your actions.

Leave your husband! You don't love him and seem scared of him and are not faithful to him. Don't get into a relationship with the affair partner either. You seem very confused and scared and would do well to focus on yourself and your children for the next 5-10 years and forget about men. Be single. be honest.

I have watched a similar scenario play out with a friend of mine and it was not pretty. But it was made worse by the fact she continued to lie even when the baby was born. It was quite obvious to everyone when her little girl arrived after a few weeks it’s wasn't her husbands. His whole family questioned constantly for around 2 months before she finally told the truth. She lost absolutely everything. It was the continued deception that was the catalyst, she destroyed him and the backlash was huge. I agree with other posters........assume and plan a life as I single mother and try and get yourself as financially secure as you can. The truth will eventually come out. You have a responsibility to your little boy and baby and above all you need to face up to your deception. You made a choice to have an affair and you’ve also gone ahead and told the other man it’s his baby. You really have no other option.

No sympathy from me I’m afraid, you caused all this by sleeping with someone else, having unprotected sex, not getting the morning after pill or an abortion, you could have prevented all this happening. Your dh deserves to know the truth and you deserve to face the consequences, yes he’s likely to leave you (I’m sure you would if it was him who got another woman pregnant) but you have no choice, you can’t continue to live a lie and let him believe the child is his when another man knows that it’s in fact his child?

OP, I’m sorry you are getting so much grief over this; it’s not the middle ages and this is not “ punishment “.
You did something very stupid and now are showing remorse and want to put this right.
If as pp’s have said; the pre dna test is not reliable; you need to test again when the baby is born.
Shit as it’s going to be; you still have to tell your husband that you had an affair and there is a strong possibility the baby is not his. He needs to have all the facts to make a decision.
I do however think you need a professional outside this situation to guide you. I’m assuming you can afford some marriage counselling ( if you could pay for the dna test) you need some neutral emotional support and you and your husband need some guidance through this mess.