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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

It’s not my husbands baby!!!

259 replies

Ashley021 · 08/09/2019 06:35

Hello again everyone, I shared a thread a few weeks back about my situation, I didn’t reply but I read everything and I listened to everyone advice and opinion respectively.

Anyway I’m lost I don’t know what to do or where to go as I done a prenatal paternity test while carrying and the results came back as not my husbands.

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant and my husband still thinks it’s his baby, we already have a little boy together and I’m so devastated about ripping the family apart because of my little boy. I feel so so so guilty, I feel like I have destroyed my life.

The guy who baby I am carrying is a wonderful guy to be honest and has said he wants to be involved and he is very excited about having a little baby girl but at the same time he is very very scared of the future especially because of my situation, and how my husband will react.

So I’m super confused what to do?

Do I tell my husband? now that I know the results so far into the pregnancy? I’m scared his reaction could put me into labour!!!

Do I not tell him and pretend it’s his child to keep my family together?

Do I not tell him YET and wait for baby to be born then do a DNA test?

I’m just so scared myself on what to do, there isn’t no easy way out and I have to suffer the consequences as it was my choice to cheat on my husband. Just not sure what next step to take.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Aridane · 08/09/2019 08:30

Here is the OP's other thread

Jesse70 · 08/09/2019 08:30

@villageidiots

She said it was just because she got the dates wrong that she told her husband that it was his but no actual test has been done

Plsnomorepeppapig · 08/09/2019 08:31

Do you mean “deserves to know WHO he is married to?”. She’s not an it.

WillLokireturn · 08/09/2019 08:31

I know you're worried about yourself OP, your lover, your DS and baby's future in losing the family unit.

Just flip the situation for a minute. DH is overjoyed, his second baby, a girl, is on the way with his wife. He's about to be a dad for a second time.
It's all a lie as she's not his biological daughter.

You'd be cruel not to tell him quietly and apologetically as soon as possible. The rest of what happens is up to him, but you owe him the truth.

NiceAnd · 08/09/2019 08:31

What an awful situation for everyone involved.

stucknoue · 08/09/2019 08:34

Does your husband have an inkling about the affair? If not I would come clean about that first and tell him about the dna test 2 weeks later. Allows it to sink in, but be prepared to leave the marital home straight away and don't be surprised if he wants custody of your son (and a dna test!)

courtlee · 08/09/2019 08:36

The bit on the side will not keep quiet. Once the baby is born he is not going to want to be kept in the wings he will change his mind 100%. If you wanted to pretend it was DH baby you shouldn't ever have told the affair it was his! You will need to tell DH the truth

WillLokireturn · 08/09/2019 08:36

Let alone what your DD will feel as she grows up, if she finds out Mum lied to her and "Dad", and prevented her knowing her biological Dad.

How long would you keep it up? To when she's a teenager? A young adult? A parent herself?

Children don't need identity crises saved up for them or regret.

NorbertHerbertGruntfuttock · 08/09/2019 08:38

Can you see a future with the OM? If your marriage is rocky could you leave now for the OM and let the truth come out in due course when you are in a protected environment? I'm worried DH will go ballistic and injure or kill you OP. Despite everything I think you have to look after No1 at the moment and get into a safe environment.

What were the circumstances where you told your DH that the baby is his? Like a PP I am struggling to understand why this was even raised. Did your DH suspect you of having an affair. In 99% of marriages it is assumed the DH is the father. Not judging but just trying to get the full picture.

I'm worried for yout health and safety.

aliensprig · 08/09/2019 08:40

Regardless of how upset this news will make him, your husband has no right to "go after" or physically harm the other man involved. If he can't take it calmly like an adult then I would reconsider being married to someone like that if I'm honest. You shouldn't live in fear of people's reactions, that's shit.

Ghostpost · 08/09/2019 08:42

How does the OM expect to be involved as much as possible when the baby is born? Won’t your dh think it’s a bit odd?

You have to tell everyone. You continue to meet this man and deceive your husband even whilst pregnant. For the sake of the child come clean.
You won’t harm the baby or go into labour early; healthy women have been pregnant and given birth fine through worse trauma like wars and family deaths. You’ll be fine.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 08/09/2019 08:46

You got married in August, had an affair 4-5 months before getting pregnant and are now 25 weeks pregnant. So you strayed 2months after getting married?????

katewhinesalot · 08/09/2019 08:47

It would be cruel not to tell him soon, I agree.

You are going to turn his world upside down but he needs to know as he will be getting more and more attached to your baby the closer it gets to the birth. You have to give him time to come to terms with the fact it's not his, well before the birth.

Make sure there are people nearby when you tell him who can intervene if they need to.

Alexel · 08/09/2019 08:47

As much as I agree truths need to be told etc - ask your midwife. Maybe she'll have an idea of how to keep you relaxed depending on decision you make (meds maybe) maybe she'll help come to a decision. Maybe she'll find a service to help.
I don't care about morals atm.

What is important is that you're pregnant, you are growng life. Now, whats important is no one puts your lives in danger. So that you don't get over stressed by arguments whilst pregnant, just do what it right for kiddo and you. Hell girl, run away for the rest of the pregnancy to a friends or parents lol just as long as you're not becoming unwell from the stress.
When baby comes it'll all work out. It always works out.

Write a letter when you're gone maybe and see what response you get. Have someone else read it before you do to see if it's worth for you to read it so that you're not exposed to unnecessary stress. That is if you tell him whilst in a safe location.

Staying with him during that time and lying it's his baby I think is a step too far for my morals, might stress you out. I basically wouldn't bat an eyelid as long as baby is born healthy and safe then leave baby with granny, and you and husband can let all hell break loose for all I care lol. In a different house to baby obviously.

Think about pros and cons of telling him during pregnancy or after, babies safety. Consider it all before you listen to mumsnet.

Otherwise if you tell him etc keep as healthy as you can, make sure you have a support system, have a safe place to sleep that is stress free neutral ground, remember the stress, pain, drama is temporary. Don't bother arguing too much, baby doesn't need that. Good luck.

katewhinesalot · 08/09/2019 08:49

I'm amazed at the easy time you are getting on here tbh. People are ripped to shreds for far less than this

Nothingcomesforfree · 08/09/2019 08:50

You are not the first and you won’t be the last woman to be in this situation. Doesn’t excuse you but it makes you human.

Be honest and do it immediately. Of course it’s going to massively upset your DH. But him at least he can trust you to be honest. How can anyone deal with a liar? In fact I bet your affair he never knew about will be as much an issue as a child that isn’t is.

I think you need to prepare to be in your own and I think you need to tell your DH this. If you want to stay with him, I’d give him the room to make the decision himself. Begging him to stay with you will probably have the reverse affect.

SoupDragon · 08/09/2019 08:51

Of course you have to tell your husband and you have to leave him. You are still having an affair!

Babycakes1989 · 08/09/2019 08:56

OP I know this has all happened because of your doing but I really do feel for you - you are well & truly suffering the consequences now but you completely have come to terms with it & sound remorseful 💐 if I’m completely honest it sounds as though your confused as to who you want to actually be with. You surely would not of had the affair if you had been happy in your own relationship ?and you wouldn’t still be talking to him if you were 100% committed to making things work with your husband. Do you think maybe it would be best for your boy and unborn child if you had some time away from both men if you can to get your head straight, de stress and think about what you really want going forward? You have an awful lot going on!

I do think you should tell your husband the truth straight away things will only get worse if you don’t. Does your mum know? Are you close enough that you could ask her to be in the house when you tell him incase he does go off on one or become angry so she could be there for support or to ring police etc if it gets messy?

Try & remember that once you get this bit out the way by telling the truth as hard & stressful it’s going to be for a while - in the future things will all turn out for the best. Good luck x

TheCatsACunt · 08/09/2019 08:57

You need to tell him.

You’ve had unprotected sex with two men so could have given him and STD which could have huge ramifications for him in the future, say if he remarried and wanted more children.

You and the other man need to be tested too.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 08/09/2019 09:00

So, the real question is how are you going to tell him? He sounds volitile. You need to ensure that your son is not around for the day, that you have somewhere to flee to if necessary for a few days and that you either tell him somewhere public so that he can't attack you or people will protect you if he does. To be honest, given his possible reaction, I would plan to take your son away for a few days (can you go on holiday/stay with a friend for a weekend? - maybe go away for half term? Then I would leave him a really long heartfelt letter being completely and totally honest. It will give him time to think and the space to handle his reaction. If he demands to know who the father is, refuse at this stage. Explain that if he goes around and beats him up or worse, it will only cause even more hurt for your son, esp if police get involved or that he could even go to jail and then would be separated from his son too. A letter gives you the opportunity to put everything down in writing and say what you want to say. You also need to be very honest with yourself and consider whether you are still in love with the other man. It sounds as though you are still in a relationship, albeit not sexual at the moment. You need to have a plan - how to keep yourself and unborn baby safe, how to keep your child safe, how to keep the father safe, and how to stop DH from ending up in trouble. You need to speak to the father and consider whether you have a future together. You need to decide where you are going to live and how to afford the rent. You need to have all this thought through before you tell him. Tbh, if your husband is an angry man, I doubt that he'll ever forgive you, so for the sake of your son, splitting up is probably for the best anyway.

WitsEnding · 08/09/2019 09:01

You have to tell your husband, with whatever support you need, and move out. It is all very well saying you want DS to live with both his parents but the new baby deserves just as much - so you have effectively made this impossible for both of them. They are both likely to end up as shared custody kids and you must facilitate this in the very best way you can.

messolini9 · 08/09/2019 09:01

Hold on.
You HAVEN'T told your husband - but you HAVE told 'Mr Wonderful'?

You need to come clean, & make sure that you have good friends or family close by when you do.

You won't need to make a decision then - your husband can decide what he wants to do. And then you'll need to discuss how you care for your existing child.

I'm sorry you have got into this mess, but to have a 4 or 5 month affair with a man who you describe first as 'wonderful' & later as 'not keen', you can't have been happy in the marriage. Maybe it's time to ditch both of them, & focus on how you are going to support your 2 children.

SoupDragon · 08/09/2019 09:05

Are you sure you aren't Sharon Mitchell, OP?

Roozy123 · 08/09/2019 09:06

I don’t wanna tell my husband as bad as it sounds he would give me peace for now anyway. We can’t see the future but as of now it is still a option.

Well it shouldn't be an option!!!!
You tell him before the child is born!! Out of all this fuckery telling him is the RIGHT and HONEST thing to do.

Why would you want to lie even more and wreck his life even more!? Because leaving it.... that's exactly what you're doing!!
Why would you even think to allow your husband to be at the birth thinking he's having a daughter. It's sick.