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Original poster

It’s not my husbands baby!!!

259 replies

Ashley021 · 08/09/2019 06:35

Hello again everyone, I shared a thread a few weeks back about my situation, I didn’t reply but I read everything and I listened to everyone advice and opinion respectively.

Anyway I’m lost I don’t know what to do or where to go as I done a prenatal paternity test while carrying and the results came back as not my husbands.

I’m currently 25 weeks pregnant and my husband still thinks it’s his baby, we already have a little boy together and I’m so devastated about ripping the family apart because of my little boy. I feel so so so guilty, I feel like I have destroyed my life.

The guy who baby I am carrying is a wonderful guy to be honest and has said he wants to be involved and he is very excited about having a little baby girl but at the same time he is very very scared of the future especially because of my situation, and how my husband will react.

So I’m super confused what to do?

Do I tell my husband? now that I know the results so far into the pregnancy? I’m scared his reaction could put me into labour!!!

Do I not tell him and pretend it’s his child to keep my family together?

Do I not tell him YET and wait for baby to be born then do a DNA test?

I’m just so scared myself on what to do, there isn’t no easy way out and I have to suffer the consequences as it was my choice to cheat on my husband. Just not sure what next step to take.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Chocolatedaim · 08/09/2019 07:52

Do you have to tell your DH who the other man is? Do they know each other? If you are worried about him beating him up, can you just not be vague about his identity?

Do you have somewhere for you and your son to go if DH wants you out of the house?

Whenaretheholidaysover · 08/09/2019 07:52

I don’t think any man would take this well would they? (Understatement.)

Do you want to stay with your husband? In which case are you expecting him to raise the child as his own? What do you want to come from telling him?

I would have concerns for your safety tbh.

Have you thought of leaving him and raising both the children alone?

Ginger1982 · 08/09/2019 07:56

Sorry but if you and your affair partner are very close and talk daily, you're still having an affair, even if the sex has stopped.

You definitely need to tell your husband and let him decide whether he still wants to be with you. Sounds like you want to be with the OM.

Original poster
Ashley021 · 08/09/2019 07:57

@Chocolatedaim

No I don’t have to tell him, but he will 100% want to know and could put a lot of pressure on me.

No not right now because also my mum
lives with us as well (things get worse) but I’m pretty sure he would pack up and leave. We are just renting at the moment no mortgage.

OP posts:
FAQs · 08/09/2019 08:00

Putting all the adults aside, your daughter ought to know who her biological father is.

daffodilbrain · 08/09/2019 08:04

Think the sooner you face up to your responsibilities the better. No good will come of waiting. The fact you've had an affair so early in your marriage speaks volumes. Your marriage will not survive long term regardless. You have to face facts your children will have 2 different fathers and you will be a single mum. It sounds harsh but these are the facts you just need to crack on and tell you DH. Good luck

Wonderland18 · 08/09/2019 08:05

I can’t help but feel awful for your DH. It’s cruel to let him get that bond with your baby and then the biological dad regrets keeping quiet and pops up a few years down the line and it would shred your DH.
It would tear a hole in him much worse if it happens after your daughters born. Tell him now

SexTrainGlue · 08/09/2019 08:06

Just think his much worse it would be for everyone if all this came out after the OM's DD was born and he had been tricked into believing she was his.

It only gets worse if you leave it, because you get the fear for longer. And it is significantly shittier for him.

Dillydallyalltheway · 08/09/2019 08:12

You are saying that you never wanted to have his parents separated, I’m sorry but you should have thought about that when you had an affair and slept with another man. I genuinely don’t mean to sound so critical of your situation but personally I don’t think you can lie and not tell your husband, if your husband is violent then it would be much safer for you and your son to get out of the house. You also need to consider that the baby may not look like your husband or son. It really isn’t fair not to tell him, the man that you are having an affair with may well not be able to keep it quiet that it’s his baby when it’s born, even if he doesn’t tell your husband, I imagine that he will probably tell some of his friends and family. Good luck.

Theredjellybean · 08/09/2019 08:13

I am going to go against the thread here and say.. One and possibly your best option is do not tell.
But you absolutely must end you relationship with other man. You must explain to him that you love your dh more, and your little boy and you want to stay married and raise your family within this marriage.
He was part of creating thus mess, he should respect your choice and leave you alone.
But there's no chatting, no slipping him photos of the baby, no meeting as friends.
You need to change jobs so you don't work with him anymore.
In summary you do what a cheating spouse needs to do to make amends.
As for children needing to know their biological parents.. I disagree, your daughters daddy will be the man who rocks her to sleep, who changes her nappies, who teaches her to ride a bike, goes to school plays, helps with homework, drives her to her first prom etc etc.. A daddy is more than just the sperm who created her.

However OP... That above scenario is definitely dependent on you wanting your marriage to work, irrispective of your children.
It sounds like your ambivalent about it. You are actually discussing options with the other man. I guess many involve you and him being together.
The baby aside you need to decide what you want or are going to do about your two relationships.. Your affair and your marriage...

Dillydallyalltheway · 08/09/2019 08:14

Sorry, first sentence should be you never wanted your son to have his parents separated.

TanMateix · 08/09/2019 08:15

I think you are trying to have your cake and eat it but the cake was gone the moment you got pregnant.

You need to stop lying, tell your husband, deal with the consequences of your actions and reconstruct your life the best you can.

mrssunshinexxx · 08/09/2019 08:15

@Ashley021 could you not say it was a one night stand and you don't have his number or anything ?

mrssunshinexxx · 08/09/2019 08:16

@Ashley021
You are implying your husband could kill this man so I think you need to think long and hard before you tell him what you are going to say

Does the other guy have a wife or is single

Villageidiots · 08/09/2019 08:19

So you used a dna swab from the other man and not your husband in this test? Or did you get a swab from DH without his knowledge? Just curious as I work in this area.

Toffeecakes · 08/09/2019 08:21

Tell him now, waiting will just delay the he inevitable and when it does all come out there will be questions around why you waited. What’s done is done. I’d have people with you when you tell him, yes he’ll probably leave but lying is very unfair.

ballsdeep · 08/09/2019 08:23

Tell your husband. You're not even sorry, only sorry you're pregnant with another man's baby. You still speak to the om daily and say you're very very close. Your poor husband. Married for a year and shagging someone else for nearly half of it and now pregnant with someone else. Tell him so he can make a choice. You are continuing to lie and deceive him.

Sorryandstressed · 08/09/2019 08:24

Oh op! You need to tell your husband it's only fair. Brace yourself for raising the new baby alone. You'll be fine, you'll manage but you owe it to everyone to tell the truth

Sparkle0109 · 08/09/2019 08:27

The fact you were trying for a baby with your husband and having an affair at the same time is bad enough. Sorry to say but you weren't thinking of your family when you were sleeping with this other guy for several months so IMO stop being selfish and tell your husband before baby is here and has already bonded

wheretonow123 · 08/09/2019 08:27

Maybe I am reading too much into this but why did you need to say to your husband that the child was his? Surely this is something that is automatically assumed. When we had our children it was just assumed that I was the father.

It is an awful position for you to be in. I was just wondering if anyone else knows about your affair, your mum, a friend or a work colleague? Even though the other man might not say something another person may make the link.

It is such a difficult position to be in and the probability is that your marriage has very little chance as this happened so early on. Was there a reason that you strayed so quickly? Or was it just that you totally fell for this new guy?

I think you should wait until the baby is born and then do a confirmatory test and then tell your husband. You need to separately decide what you want to do. It might not work out as you want (husband might not agree) but at least it might clarify in your mind.

This could be incorrect advice but is there any really close friend that you could speak to about this? A close friend who understands your family dynamics and who could be there for you in planning the timing etc of your communication with your husband and providing advice on what you say, taking your other child when you are telling him etc. I think you need some support for when you do this.

Aridane · 08/09/2019 08:28

You need to put the child first, not you or either man, and tell everyone

I disagree.

OP - you need to put yourself first and your own safety. You sound very frightened. Your mother lives with you and I think telling her would be a good first step.

Given you have already told the other man the child is his and the general tone of panic in your posts, I don't think you'll be able to pull off pretending the child is yours.

And I think you have to accept that the marriage is most likely over

Maryann1975 · 08/09/2019 08:29

@Theredjellybean but she has already told the biological father. He wants to be involved. Why would he give up on his child to save the marriage of the woman he was having an affair with. Presumably he wasn’t bothered about the husband when he was shagging his wife, why do you think he will care now? You can not trust the other man to keep the secret for you.
The secret will come out eventually, even if you manage to keep the secret now, what happens in a few years if (worst case senario) the child needs a transplant or something and medical people do dna tests. The truth will come crashing out then.

Yeahnahyeah1 · 08/09/2019 08:29

You’ve already made up your mind really, you just need the courage to do it. You know you don’t want to be with your husband anymore, partly because you had an affair in the first place but partly because if you wanted to stay with your husband, there’s no way you’d have gone running to OM, telling him how the baby is his and discussing all your options (wtf?). You’re still having an affair with him, don’t kid yourself. You just need to be brave and leave your husband. You’ll have to be honest and say you don’t think the baby is his, and have a definitive test when the baby is born. The consequences of that will just have to be dealt with as and when they happen.

DampInTheLakes · 08/09/2019 08:29

Personally I think to not tell him is betrayal of the highest order. Try and put yourself in his shoes and imagine how you'd feel if you were led blindly into believing that this baby was yours when it wasn't. I can see why you'd not want to tell him of course, but it's bound to come out at some point so the sooner the better. Can you perhaps tell him in a neutral place where there's other people around? If you're genuinely scared for your safety then I would be making a plan, and also warning the other guy when you're going to tell DH so he can plan too. As another said, perhaps say it was a one night stand and you don't know his name or whereabouts? This is an awful mess and I don't envy you. Good luck xx

SquintEastwood · 08/09/2019 08:29

@Theredjellybean - the child AND the biological Dad have every right to be recognised and acknowledged by being a part of each others lives, especially when he is willing to play his part. You cannot legally or morally deny that just because the Mother decides it's inconvenient!

Yes, if the OP tells her husband and they are willing to make a go of it he can do all the things that a Dad does but that does not mean the biological Dad can't be a good co-parent alongside them if he wants.

OP - you need to stop this now, it's cruel to string your DH along.

Think of your daughter, yes it's a crap situation for your son but that obviously wasn't such a big consideration to you before and it's too late to start caring now. She deserves to know who get Dad is and if he wants to play a part he will whether it's now or a few years down the line - I can pretty much guarantee that he will want people to know as she grows and he sees a real little person.

In all honesty, if DH cheated on me and got someone pregnant he probably should be scared too. I would've thought anger would be a normal reaction tbh!