The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread #2 "The Penguin Huddle " 🐧🐧🐧

[InDreamland]

Hello Ladies

Starting a new penguin huddle thread as the first one is getting very full. This is for those of us who've graduated from the conception boards.

Getting a BFP after pregnancy loss is not necessarily a happy time so this is a safe place to vent, worry and share news (good, hopefully, or bad).

I hope you are all here for the long-haul. But you are welcome no matter how briefly.
Others who are pregnant after loss but who weren't on the original thread are of course welcome too.

Let's start the roll call:

Me:
No living children, 3rd pregnancy, currently 8+3. Had early scan at 7 weeks that showed baby measuring right for 7w with a heartbeat. Got another early viability scan booked in for this Tuesday at 8+6. Really scared I've lost this one again.
2 previous pregnancies ended in mmc at 12+3 (baby stopped growing at 5 weeks) in July 2018 and mc (CP but hate that term) in November 2018. Before then had been TTC for 5 years so our journey has been 6 years since starting to TTC.

@KnitKitty @Yukka @rubyroot @Bluebelltulip @MyHeartisBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue @Amanda81 @boboelephant @Newbie21

Who have I missed?

Just slept for 2 and a half hours and woken up with the worst nausea and dizziness. It's what a holes for early on so I won't complain. I am struggling to eat though, everything I have cooked the past few days I have eaten and enjoyed but afterwards the thought of it has made me ill. At this rate I'll have nothing I like left to eat soon 🤢

My early scan is just over a week away now and it seems like a lifetime away but terrifyingly close at the same time.

*what I hoped for. Frigging autocorrect.

@rubyroot I hope you are here for the full 40 weeks now. Have you told your boyf yet? If you feel you need to POAS then do it. Even if just to believe you are pregnant.

@sadtoday21 I'm not feeling strong at all. Fx you do have a very sticky bean and rainbow in there.

@Newbie21 I don't know where you find the energy for Legoland. I am just so exhausted at the moment. Keep having afternoon naps.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue shopping is also so energy zapping. Lovely that you bought something for baby though. I'm still way too scared to get or do anything baby related.

@Amanda81 so much truth in that, just easier said than done.

Had booking appointment this morning with same midwife I had last year. Assessed as low risk but she offered to put me forward for consultant led if I wanted it because of how I'm feeling due to 2 mc's. When she explained the difference I decided to stick with her because I am really comfortable with her and don't think I'll get much from consultant led plus she said she'll leave it open for me to change my mind if I want further on down the line. I can't help feeling like I've jinxed this now I've been to the booking appointment. Have a really bad feeling about private scan on Tuesday.

@Bluebelltulip I also bought a cuddly toy on baby#1's due date which I cuddle and will probably buy something Tuesday for baby#2.

@Frillyfarmer great you're getting strong symptoms. My food aversions change every day. It's really annoying.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue That's a great mindset to have and wonderful that you were able to buy some baby things today. I really admire your courage to do that and its great that you can hold it when you feel anxious. I'm with @Indreamland for now, not able to buy anything for the baby and probably won't. I never did for my last one either. Do you have a scan planned soon? 15 weeks is so exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time! Xxx

@Indreamland glad to hear the booking appointment went as well as can be expected, it's so nice that you already know the midwife. I know what you mean about feeling afraid to jinx things - I'm already afraid I will have to cancel my booking appointment (2 weeks from now) and/or scan. Now on to the next milestone! Are you planning a scan before 12 weeks?

@rubyroot I'm feeling all kinds of twinges and cramps too - not sure if its in my mind or a bad sign :(. Hope we both make it through this to the other end.

@sadtoday21 had a long and fretful day today. Feels like time is slowing down.

I feel quite stitchy which is another preggo sign apparently. I keep pressing on my belly and I think it feels generally tender. God I'm over thinking everything.

I need to just relax and deal with whatever happens when it happens.. Its easy to say that tho

I've been busy this weekend so just catching up.
@InDreamland thanks for the new thread.
I'm phoning epu in the morning to book the scan. Bought crystallised ginger cuz my sickness was bad the other day. Nothing really today, I began to panic that my symptoms were fading then reminded myself that they come and go.
@rubyroot I agree with you that I think losses would be harder the further you are but my cp in April was hard though not as hard as my MC at 8 weeks.

@rubyroot I totally understand the overthinking every twinge, feeling, symptom. I'd love to say it gets easier but at 10 weeks I'm still not there yet. I've had a lot of cramps feelings today which I think is bowed related but I can't help worrying. I'm pretty sure your symptoms are normal but regular scans will likely be the only way to get comfort all is progressing well.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue it's his birthday next Sunday so we plan to go to Hever Castle for the day. I feel a little bad as my DH would like his father to come stay and for his sister and family to come over and all my family but I had a big meltdown about having a big family thing since the timing would be 3 days after our harmony test and scan so if we had bad news I'd be in a terrible place so having to host family was not what I wanted. DH understands but it's slightly unfair as we live near my family so they can see my son whenever (and my sister has invited herself with her family to Hever Castle which I'm fine with but it is a bit double standards which I hope doesn't annoy DH). I think if we got good news in the test and scan and I could plan something for a few weeks after that, it would be fine but then it is a birthday party for my other niece (DH's sister's youngest) so we will see his family then anyway.

@Newbie21 sorry you're finding it tough. I guess we all are, but I'm just so anxious at the mo I'm voicing it more. I guess my last Chem preg was not so far away and so I'm exxoecting it all to happen again. But yes you're right, you pass one hurdle and then it's next.

Sending my love and thoughts to all you strong lovely ladies on this thread. Hope you can enjoy your pregnancies in between the inevitable anxiety

Hi everyone, any space for a small one?

I'm @DuvetCaterpillar, named for my tendency to form a cocoon in bed. I'm 34, no living children, TTC#1 since Sept, with an ectopic pregnancy in Feb 2019. @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue, I remember you from when we had ectopics at about the same time, I'm so pleased you're here and things are going OK!

I'm so sorry for all your previous losses. @Amanda81 in particular must be an absolute warrior from her earlier post, but frankly I think it's remarkable anyone ever has the strength to try again after that kind of pain. Thanks for the thread @InDreamland, and good luck for Tuesday's scan.

AF went AWOL for fourteen days (!) of BFNs before I had a very faint BFP pink dye test on Sat am, so it's been a weird run up to this. I had a slightly stronger one on Sun am, so that feels moderately hopeful. The one I took on Sun evening was fainter again, but that was one of the Sainsbury's blue cross ones which I've heard aren't great, so I'm choosing to ignore that one because I don't like the answer!

The fainter Sunday evening test does mean that I have now firmly convinced myself it'll be a chemical pregnancy/ very early miscarriage though, so am trying not to get too hyped up for the moment. Because of my previous ectopic, the EPU will want to see me for an early scan to check it's lodged in the right place, so I am probably going to go into denial until that point - I'll give them a call as soon as they open later this morning. I'm also up wandering round the house in the middle of the night like the first Mrs Rochester, which I suspect is going to be a feature until the tests feel a bit more solid. Am just scared of it going away again.

Solidarity handholds to @newbie21 and @rubyroot on the cross examining every twinge thing - I'm exactly the same. Currently my lower back hurts, I've got fluttery light cramps in my lower belly and my toe hurts (!), all of which I am treating as harbingers of doom until proven otherwise.

Not sure if it's a great mindset @sadtoday21 or just an attempt at being positive! I never bought anything when pregnant with DD until after 20 weeks but i have said one thing, just to look at and hold when I'm having a moment - which is frequently as I keep wavering between petrified and positive!

@tinatsarina try Gin Gins sweets for the nausea. I have found them great. You can get them on amazon or Holland and barrat. Hope you get a scan soon.

@Newbie21 I think your plan for DS birthday sounds great. You need to look out for yourself right now not try and people please. Planning something for after your scan and test sounds a much better idea, hopefully it can then be a double celebration.

Hi @DuvetCaterpillar! Sorry you had an ectopic too, I found it soul destroying, especially after MMC last year. Did you have surgery or medical management? I had an early scan at 5 weeks this pregnancy and all they could see was a sac, but that was the first hurdle for me and all I wanted to see. Another MC would be awful but loosing my last tube would be devastating. What tests are you using? If you're going to do line comparisons it's definitely best to do it at the same time of day and use the same test, I prefer FRERs, but even then only HCG tests will really tell you anything. How many weeks or DPO should you be now?

Hope everyone else is ok?

Ps @Yukka you can now say you're having a baby NEXT WEEK!!!!! So excited for you!

@InDreamland glad your booking in appointment went well, I think a familiar understanding person makes a big difference.

@tinatsarina good luck ringing the epu.

@Newbie21 your plans for DS's birthday sound nice, it's hard planning things close to scans. I never used to worry about making plans but now both me and DH do it. He was invited on a night out a week after the 12 week scan and didn't want to give a definite answer until after it.

Welcome @DuvetCaterpillar best of luck to you.

@sadtoday21 I have another scan tomorrow afternoon when I should be 8+6 if I don't start bleeding before then. How far along are you now? Can you get an early scan in before your booking appointment?

@rubyroot hopefully the stitchy feelings are a good sign. Fx for you! Done any more tests?

@tinatsarina good you're getting sickness. Nausea is horrible though. I'm using those travel sickness bands which helped in first pregnancy but not sure they're helping this time around. Hope you get your scan booked in.

@Newbie21 understand it looks like double standards but it is different so don't worry about it. My immediate family know but DHs don't know. I actually said to him can we tell his dad after baby is born. I don't mind his sister knowing but if the nieces find out FIL will too. FIL stresses me out as does his awful girlfriend so I don't want them knowing because I know they'll say inappropriate things. He doesn't know about the 2 mc's last year.

@DuvetCaterpillar welcome to the group. Everyone here is so supportive. Hope you're here for the full 40 weeks.

@Bluebelltulip it certainly does help. Unlike last year she didn't talk about birth plans and where I would give birth. Think she just knew I wasn't in the place to discuss it and it's not important at the moment. She is supportive and understanding but tried to reassure me that the last scan was a positive one which is already further than I've got with the other 2. I just told her anything could have happened since then though. So she definitely knew I'm just trying to get through each day.

Welcome to the thread @DuvetCaterpillar
Hey everyone I'm a bit constipated 🎉🎉🎉

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue @DuvetCaterpillar sorry to hear about both of your ectopics. That must be hard losing a baby and a tube all at once.

Funny you should mention ectopics, I've no convinced myself I have one myself as getting pain in same bit all the time- my left ovary.

Tho I do remember having to go for early scan during my successful pregnancy as was getting aches and pains--can't remember if it was consistently in one place tho

@Indreamland missed your post must have posted at the same time.

Good luck for your scan tomorrow, I know it'll be incredibly scary for you but the first scan was good news, this could easily be your time x.

I'm worried because just before I had my Chem I had a nap and remember sleepily worrying about cramps and then low and behold...

But I guess these pains are different at least and I've had them for a bit and no bleeding as yet.

Did another ovulation test and this one looked darker. Now much much darker than the control line.

Now I'm worrying about a possible ectopic, ridiculous I know. Just weird how it feels like my pain is left ovary. But it could juat be pooh related too as isn't stomach on left side.

Or perhaps it's even the luttle blastocyst really bedding itself deep into my lining. God that was almost a positive thought!

Ok so phoned my epu and they say they can't scan me unless I'm having problems or I've had 2 or more losses. Does that mean I have to wait until my booking in to potentially find out it's a MMC?

Pisses me right of @tinatsarina. There's too options for you and you might not like the idea as you probs wouldn't feel comfortable doing the first.

1. Lie.. Say you have problems, eg severe cramping or
2. Pay for an early scan. It costs around 60 round here for an early reassurance.

@rubyroot after I got off the phone I got upset spoke to my mum and she said sure it was ok waiting until the 12 week scan with my first and he was ok. She just doesn't get the fear of waiting about.
I'm gonna have to pay for one £70-£79 here for private scans. I'll have to wait until Thursday though I don't really have the money but needs must.

@tinatsarina it's hard with a previous mmc isn't it.

Good luck with your scan, chances are you'll be fine. Though I'm better at giving advice than taking it. I had my first and only after a mmc.

@MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue my dh just said the same thing....aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!

How can it be?!!! Mixed emotions at the moment between excitement and mild fear, but going to stick to my plans, make the most of this last week as just us (....whilst checking knickers every 5 mins for a show....oh yes the knicker checks have returned, at least with a different purpose) my god I'll be glad when the knicker checking stops for good. I know we all will.

Glad you managed to buy something, it helped me to have something to look at now and again, and is now packed as babies first wear :)

@InDreamland As tough as these appointments can be, just keep reminding yourself that your doing it for the baby, you're pushing past your own emotions for what is best for him/her. Keep doing that xx

@Frillyfarmer If your struggling with meals, just snack on whatever you can frequently x

@Amanda81 Your picture... yes, exactly that!

@theAntsareMyFriends Keep us posted with those test results, I understand the worry. With the condition I have the pregnancy risks are the same as yours could be, but we've managed them like any milestone. When I started out the major goal was to get to 32w at which point if any issues had shown they would have induced and incubated. But we've got past every possible risk so far other than the placenta detaching pre birth, the birth itself or late pre-eclampsia. I only have 10 days to go. These things are not likely to happen and I won't let the fear of them happening take over, as I have a healthy baby to deliver and that needs all my focus and energy, Sitting here typing, I can see baby practice breathing, as my tummy moves in and out when s/he does it. Our babies and our bodies are strong, with medical care you can and will succeed in high risk pregnancy. Understand if you step away for a while, but equally here if you want to vent ❤️

Sorry for those I've missed, and welcome to the new joiners, congratulations - you'll find lots of support here xxx

@tinatsarina private scans are better in my opinion anyway. Their equipment is newer and their in less of a hurry. Check out the stats post from before tho re the likelihood of another mmc/mc if it might help you.

@rubyroot yes there was a tiny glimmer of positivity there! I've not had an ectopic but pains to the left and right are common and can be round ligaments. Ectopics are not as common as we think I believe, but if you're feeling unsure just call the epu. They often say to follow your instinct, if you think the twinges feel ok - not like period, no bleeding, then you probably are fine xx

Well done on going through with the booking-in appointment @InDreamland, it's great that you know your MW and she understands your feelings. I have everything crossed for your scan tomorrow.

Hey @sadtoday21 around 5 wks and 8wks I had cramping also. The session of cramps at 5 wks (might have been just before actually) was like a really bad period. Has the cramping passed today? Mine was there for a couple of days, and like I say it returned st 8 wks. However, the cramping at 8 weeks I think was linked to pushing a weighted trolley around Tesco...hate steering shopping trolleys 🛒 xx

It felt like every day was a week @rubyroot during the initial weeks. Time has started to pick up, but still is going incredibly slow. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep through it all.

Welcome @DuvetCaterpillar - this group of ladies are wonderfully supportive. Everyone is at different stages which is very helpful for support.

Great news on buying something @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue - I plan to do the same after my 20 week scan (if all goes well). I can't bring myself to buy anything before that time, but have started knitting a blanket. I'm not a fast knitter, so it will be ready for her 2nd birthday no doubt 😂😂 my mums already knitter her an entire wardrobe (bless).

@tinatsarina - this just shows how strapped the NHS are for resources. Perhaps try and book a private scan if you can, it will help the anxiety reduce.

Just loving your mentality @Yukka - and wow 10 days to go! Amazing 🤩

So currently sat by the pool having slept for a couple of hours. I do like sleeping outside. I think my belly is starting to show??? My DH said yesterday that he could see the back of my belly button - which apparently he hasn't seen ever. I've never put much thought in to my belly button, but clearly he has. This got me stood in front of the mirror trying to see the back of my belly button, which I repeated today as I put on the bikini. He's right, it's there! I am quite a small (but I guess average) girl at 5ft 4. My torso is short, but not oddly so. I can see that my stomach is starting to gain a curve at the bottom, but fairly flat as it travels up my body just under by boobs. I guess that's my organs getting pushed up as she sets up home in there. I'm allowing myself to get excited about this, but do feel a little hesitant, you know...just in case negative nancy is correct. A question for any of you ladies who are at the bump stage (or beyond) - when did you notice the bump? Mine seems to get bigger and firmer as the day goes by.

In other news...I think I may be one of those girls who becomes a horny goat during the 2nd trimester 😂😂 sorry if that is too much sharing! My dreams are full of hanky panky! I know I shared previously that I couldn't bring myself to dtd for the fear of making something go wrong, but these hormones are something else.

@InDreamland Best of luck for your scan tomorrow!!! I have everything crossed for you that you see a beautiful strong hb. I have a scan booked at the EPAU for 7w5d the day before my booking appointment. I figure if the scan is bad, I can cancel the booking appt - although I am not sure it will be conclusive by then if no hb? Or maybe it would be. Just received a letter in the mail from the hospital offering me another scan at 8 weeks to screen for chromosomal abnormalities with a scan and blood test, it seems. I would have thought it was too early for that, but it might be because of my last partial molar pregnancy. Anyone know? Is this the harmony test or way too early and not on the nhs, right?

@Amanda81 I love that you are starting to show, congrats!! That is so wonderful and great that you are back in the mood with dtd. I also get a bit nervous about dtd in early pregnancy, even though I know the docs say its ok - but you said you had some bleeding? Hope you are all cleared to get close with your DH now!

Thanks also for your words on the cramps, it may just be tummy issues, but I'm overly sensitive to every twinge for fear of another cp, like @rubyroot. When do you guys think its been long enough that not likely to be another cp, so I can get on with worrying about the next thing? hahaha I'm only half joking here.