The Graduates of TTC after pregnancy loss thread #2 "The Penguin Huddle " 🐧🐧🐧

[InDreamland]

Hello Ladies

Starting a new penguin huddle thread as the first one is getting very full. This is for those of us who've graduated from the conception boards.

Getting a BFP after pregnancy loss is not necessarily a happy time so this is a safe place to vent, worry and share news (good, hopefully, or bad).

I hope you are all here for the long-haul. But you are welcome no matter how briefly.
Others who are pregnant after loss but who weren't on the original thread are of course welcome too.

Let's start the roll call:

Me:
No living children, 3rd pregnancy, currently 8+3. Had early scan at 7 weeks that showed baby measuring right for 7w with a heartbeat. Got another early viability scan booked in for this Tuesday at 8+6. Really scared I've lost this one again.
2 previous pregnancies ended in mmc at 12+3 (baby stopped growing at 5 weeks) in July 2018 and mc (CP but hate that term) in November 2018. Before then had been TTC for 5 years so our journey has been 6 years since starting to TTC.

@KnitKitty @Yukka @rubyroot @Bluebelltulip @MyHeartisBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue @Amanda81 @boboelephant @Newbie21

Who have I missed?

Thanks @InDreamland thanks for the tag.

Just checking in.

Age:29.
DD1: 2.5.
DD2: stillborn January 2019.
EDD: 9/01/20.

Sorry I've had chance to comment today, I'm visiting people so not got much time.

Thanks for adding me to the new thread, Sorry to hear of everyones losses, but also lovely to see the 12 week scan pics at th end of the last thread. Fingers crossed for everyone.

I'm 36. 2nd pregnancy. MMC at 12 week scan in April 2019 with medical management. Current DD 28 Feb. Still relatively few symptoms and still faffing around deciding about an early scan, think I'm gonna book in for 15th when I'll be 8+3. Trying not to think about it too much till then.

Due date 28th feb, not darling daughter! Not got hang of this yet!

Scan on 22nd, not 15th!

Thanks for the new thread @InDreamland.

My stats.
Age 35
DS1 age 5
MC at 9.5, CP at 5.5
DS2 age 2
MC at 12
Currently 15weeks

I might just check in then disappear for a while. My tests at the 12week scan came back as high for DS so I'm anxiously waiting for the results of the IONA test (same as the harmony test). My DS2 who has no issues tested high for DS too, in fact higher as he was 1:30 vs 1:56 but part of me feels I can't get lucky again. Also, this time my PAPP-A is very low which may indicate an issue with the placenta. I may be fine but there is a risk of restricted growth, late miscarriage, premature labour or stillbirth so my anxiety is through the roof and I'm not sleeping well so trying not to think too much about anything baby related at the moment.

Glad to see some new faces and some returners @rubyroot and hope everyone is having a relaxing weekend.

Hi another worrier here, have 2dds (now 8 and 5) but have had 2 miscarriages while TTC dc3 so far. Now pg and due March (just before my 40th birthday!). Last 2 miscarriages were at 9-10 (although probably happened earlier) and 6-7 weeks, so hopefully things will go better this time around.

Not sure whether to go for an early scan this time of if that just adds to the worry/heartache. Also had early bleeding with dd1 so know not to lose hope straight away if there are signs of trouble. Good luck everyone

Thanks @InDreamland for the new thread.

As for me, I'm 40 in a couple of weeks. TTC #1. This is my third pregnancy -two mmc's last year diagnosed March and September. Both didn't grow past 6 weeks but weren't found until early scans at 9 weeks.

Currently 14+5 with this little one who's already been scanned 4 times! All looking good so far, screening tests low risk and at my last scan the sonographer noted "active baby" on the report! Keeping anxiety at bay, and dealing with the exhaustion (which is ever present) are my current biggest challenges! Grateful for mrs positive pants @Yukka and her words of encouragement (and I've just realised your big induction day is my 40th birthday!) xxx

Hi all, not sure if anyone will remember me but I spent some time on the thread last year during two miscarriages and was so grateful for the support I received.
@InDreamland I can't tell you how happy I am to see you are pregnant again and doing so well, congratulations! Your messages were really kind and helpful while I was struggling last year so it's really nice to see you on the other side

As for me, I have one DS aged 8, was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and then had a MMC in August 2018 and natural MC October 2018. My TSH levels were around 3 during that time, I then brought them down to 1.5 and am currently 26 weeks pregnant with another baby boy.

Glad to see so many of you on this thread!

@theAntsareMyFriends I'm so sorry for what you are going through and I hope very much you get good news from the tests xxx

@rubyroot keeping fx for you that this is your rainbow. If you feel toy still need to POAS I won't judge, I think I must have taken about 50 HPTs this pregnancy. ICs are great for the addiction and need for checking the are still pregnancy hormones nice and strong.

@Amanda81 I didn't know your backstory, goodness you're so amazingly strong. Thank you for sharing. This will be your rainbow and will be so precious. You've really been through so much.

@sadtoday21 I know the feeling, I actually still have my yellow pregnancy notes booklet and massive folder they gave me from my booking appointment for pregnancy #1. Can't bring myself to chuck it as it's the only thing I have for pregnancy #1.

@theAntsareMyFriends sorry you're high risk. I really hope that the results all come back clear. Stay strong! Sending you a hand hold.

@mostimproved lovely to see you here. I do remember you. Wow you're well over half way through your pregnancy, so exciting. How are you feeling now? Hope this one hasn't given you too much anxiety.

@Yukka thanks. Yeah, I remember feeling like it was intense when I went for pregnancy #1. I don't really want to go tomorrow, feel like what's the point. I went through all that with pregnancy#1 and lost the baby, all that discussion about birth plans was just unnecessary so early on when you're nowhere near the safer zone. I am still firmly in the danger zone and expecting this one to go the same way as the last 2. I still don't believe in this baby. Maybe a positive scan on Tuesday might help but I almost don't want to go to that either because I'm just so scared of hearing those words again.

I'm trying to be positive but really struggling to be. I'm just keeping busy and hope distractions help but it's hard when every second of the day I'm feeling like I'm about to start bleeding.

I'm good at dishing out the positivity to others with anxiety but I can't seem to listen to my own advice.

Welcome @milkjetmum lovely you have joined us. Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you can I would book in for an early scan, the lovely ladies here convinced me it was the best thing to do and they're right. I won't lie, it helps with the anxiety for a few days but you do back to worrying again. It is good though to know that there is a baby with a heartbeat in there.

@theAntsareMyFriends I'm so sorry you are going through this stress lovely. I hope that you get the results back quickly and in the meantime we are all here if you need a safe space to worry and vent. Virtual hugs xx

@mostimproved - I think we miscarried at the same time last year after also going to the same scan place! I was due with the baby I MC last summer in March 19 and we were on the same March thread together. Sorry if I am dragging up horrible memories and double sorry if I have you confused with someone else! If it is you it's bloody amazing to see you here and congratulations!

Also @mostimproved I have name changed since then but for the life of me can't remember what my name was last year! I've had a few MN aliases!

@theAntsareMyFriends that sounds very bloody stressful. I don't know about papp a, but I do know the NHS tests for downs are pretty unreliable.

For me it was clear from the fluid round the baby that it was chromosomal and the nuchal was 5.8mm.

I know loads of people who have been high risk on NHS test and low risk on harmony.

Fingers crossed everything goes well for you and that you can enjoy at least some of your pregnancy.

Hope to see you pop back with good news.

@InDreamland not long now til your next milestone. Let us know how scan goes on Tuesday.

I am also expecting bleeding to start, I just can't imagine myself being lucky enough again to have a successful pregnancy.

Here's to all of us on here for being strong bloody women, we're so much stronger than men aren't we?!

So I have been awake since 5, can't get back to sleep. Feel like I have back ache and crampy. It seems a bit consistent which does worry me, but it is fairly dull.

TMI probably but woke needing a pooh again- this also worries me at progesterone normally slows down my poohs and constipates me.

My boyf doesn't know, he thinks my period just a bit late due to previous chem pregnancy (still makes me feel better to use tht word) I don't want to tell him as I don't want him going through it again, I can deal with this on my own.

I might try and go back to sleep.

How's everyone else today? Feel like I'll just be a frequent returner to this board for some time

@InDreamland thanks for setting up the new thread

Age: 38
1 DS - 3yrs next week!
3 MCs last year - first MMC diagnosed at 11 we harmony scan. D&C, 2nd - MC at 5.5 wks, 3rd - MMC - diagnosed at 8 weeks - blighted ovum.
Current pregnancy - 10 weeks today 
Harmony test + scan on Thu 18th 🤞

@theAntsareMyFriends best of luck for your results of your test. The NHS test really isn't accurate for some ladies. I've told my midwife I don't want it as it will cause potentially unnecessary anxiety. I have my harmony test this Thursday. Midwife told me that she agreed and couldn't understand why NHS wasn't doing harmony scan - she was told they were rolling it out this year but they just haven't. Fingers and toes crossed for you x

@rubyroot I have had back ache and slight cramps for about 5 weeks now. Think it's normal unless very painful (although my back has its moments I'll be honest). How far along are you? I was constipated then had a week of feeling crappy and like I had a stomach upset then one day of diarrhea then it went back to constipation again - diarrhea happened about 6 -7weeks. Hope you managed to get back to sleep.

Well my feet and back are killing! Took DS to Legoland yesterday together with his cousin as early 3rd birthday celebration for both of them. It was a really fun day but my feet are throbbing and back still sore! I'm not the fittest person but I've done legoland a few times this year and never felt like this so I'm going to take it as a pregnancy symptom so I think positive rather than moan about my aches and pains.

@milkjetmum I’m also due in March, if the baby hangs in there. I know what you mean about the early scan - it’s hard to decide because scans are terrifying and even if you do have a good early scan it can all go wrong later. I didn’t have any scans in my last pregnancy and the mmc wasn’t detected until the 12 week scan. I regret that now because I was carrying the baby for three weeks without any sign anything was wrong. For this pregnancy, I’ve decided to scan every two weeks from week 7, if it lasts that long, because I want to know sooner than later, even though I will be trembling like a leaf before each scan.

@InDreamland you don’t sound negative at all, you’ve just been through a lot and know too much about what can go wrong. You seem incredibly strong to have made it this far. I know what you mean about the booking appointment seeming pointless - I realised that my last baby had actually already passed during my last booking appointment. It was useless and I am not doing it again until after my first scan. I’m also afraid they will ask whether this is my first...not sure how I’ll be able to respond to that one. Fingers crossed that all goes well for you next week. Thinking of you xxx.

@rubyroot I haven’t told my DH yet either because I’m also afraid of another chemical. I haven’t told anyone yet in RL. How are you doing today? Tbh, I’m not as constipated either as I was with the last one, but every pregnancy is different so I wouldn’t take it as a bad sign. Plus we are still both really early. The cramps are terrifying though and I can’t bring myself to check the lines on an hpt. I just keep telling myself that my emotions won’t impact the outcome and I need to just breathe. I hope all is well and you find some peace today.

@Newbie21 how far along are you no idea. Chem preg on the 13th June stopped bleeding on 21st June and had regular sex from then on. I'd ran out of ov tests and had to order some by the time they arrived I tested and no sign of pink line on July 3rd- they gradually get lighter after ov don't they.

I seemed like I had the right cm forever so that's not a clear indicator of when I ovulated. I knew I was pregnant on Monday.. I posted on here saying it felt like it. I tested on Thursday. I'm guessing I was about four weeks on Friday. The lines on the tests have been stronger this time round though. I didn't quite get to five weeks last time.

@sadtoday21 sorry you're I. This limbo too. It's not nice, but strangely comforting to have someone understand completely what you're going through.

Boyfriend asked where my period was today, think he's getting suspicious us. I explained that after a miscarriage it takes a while for period to arrive.

@sadtoday21 I'm with you on the scans. I had a scan last time around and saw heartbeat and 9 weeks ( was on holiday prior) so when they told me at 13 weeks there was fluid all around baby I was in massive shock.

As you say there's no guarantees. 😢 But at the same time I feel that if baby is not okay it's easier to find out say at 7 and nine weeks, than 12 weeks. I had mmc at 6.5 weeks but didn't find out till 9 so I cimeteky understand why you'd want scans.

@rubyroot I know what you mean, I also feel its easier to find out sooner than later (although terrible at any stage, even really early on). That must have been a terrible shock for you to have a good scan at 9 weeks and then not make it to 13, I'm so so sorry. Even if I am lucky enough to get a good scan or couple of ones, I will always expect the worst at the next one.

How are you planning to tell your bf? My DH isn't suspicious yet, even though he keeps offering me soft cheese and beer and I adamantly refuse haha! I think its because I told him there was no chance this month, with him being out of the country during my fertile window. Still, I can't keep it to myself for much longer - planning to tell him in a week if I make it to 6 weeks. I want to tell everyone, but I am too scared right now.

I made this list/mantra a few days ago when I was really struggling to control my anxiety and thoughts about this pregnancy. I don't know if its helpful to anyone, but it helped me to write it down and remind myself that all of this is out of my control. Maybe writing a mantra down would help you too? Here it is:

Take one day at a time.
This time is different than last time.
There is no point in being sad.
Happiness is a choice.
My emotions won’t impact the outcome.
Just breathe.
Don’t waste time - focus on more important things than fear.
Don’t put your life on hold - live as normally as you can.
Treat yourself every week.
Monitor closely (every 2 weeks) and have a plan if things go wrong (early - medical, late - dc, lots of alcohol/france).
Let people help you.

@sadtoday21 made it to 13, but had to terminate. Fluid all round baby under skin, which is sign of problems with organs later on. I was told I would miscarry anyway and opted for termination. Found out results of cvs when I went into hospital for medical management.. T21. Then had medical management and delivered foetus and then operation as placenta would not follow and was bleeding a lot.

So you can probably see why I'm shitting myself! A loss is a loss, but I do believe it gets tougher later on. My Chem pregnancy was a walk in the park in comparison, but it was of course still very difficult.

And my friend had to deliver her 24 week old after a tfmr at a bloody maternity ward, I can't even imagine.

And to the ladies who deliver a stillborn around their due date.. I can't even imagine. How on earth can you recover from that?!

It's just so bloody scary.

One think my Dr said when I got fobbed off was that it was a miracle humans could have babies at all.

Anyhow, in the meantime I have become a poas addict. @InDreamland I am such a hypocrite as I remember telking you to step away from the tests.

Thing is I wanted to resist so haven't bought any pregnancy tests, I'm using ovulation tests instead. I need to stop. Just wish they'd give me an hcg test. I might ring my women's ward up tomorrow (where I went for tfmr and missed miscarriage) and see if they can help, but I'm pretty sure they'll say I need a Dr's referral.

@sadtoday21 I think we are both in denial, I bet the men in out life have probably guessed. I'll let him know when he pops the question, t+he must be getting suspicious at all the wine free nights!

Ahhhh @Newbie21 are you doing anything else for your DS birthday? Well done for surviving Legoland! We went to Westfield shopping centre today and a few hours there positively killed my feet! I am finding it so hard being pregnant with a toddler let alone doing outings as well! The exhaustion is real!

I tremble before each scan too @sadtoday21 and cry every time positive experience or not. I think once you've had a bad scan it's so hard to forget that. I had to be scanned this pregnancy at 5 weeks as my last one was ectopic. Then I've had scans every two and a half weeks. My way of thinking is that I would always rather know sooner rather than later.

I really like your mantra though. I feel like I need to write some of these things on my bathroom mirror!!

When I panic about all the things that can go wrong I try and look around me at people going about their lives or think of everyone I know. I tell myself that all these hundreds of people have been born ok, without problems and it helps me to see that the odds are in my favour.

Also, today I bought a baby grow and a hat from Next. I figure that it is nothing big or expensive to jinx things and I am going to look at it every time I feel worried. Hopefully it will give me something tangible to hold on to when I feel down and anxious 🤞🏻

Saw this and thought I would post xxx

I agree with @rubyroot, @sadtoday21 and @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I would rather know sooner than later even though it's hard at any point. DD2 showed no signs of her heart condition until 27 weeks, I'd always assumed everything was detectable at 20 weeks but apparently not. Her heart condition caused hydrops too @rubyroot. I like your idea of something tangible to hold @MyHeartIsBrokeButIHaveSomeGlue I think I might do the same after my next appointment. I have a bear which I cuddle when I want to think about DD2.