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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone expecting and not having visitors after the birth?

85 replies

ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms · 07/02/2019 19:18

I’m 39 weeks and DH and I have decided that we didn’t want any visitors for the first 5 days. It was more DHs decision than mine but I want to establish breastfeeding etc and I don’t want to do that in front of parents (prudish I know but that’s just how I am). I also don’t have a great relationship with my parents either and I know they will just sit and demand cups of tea and want to hold the baby.

I can’t imagine we will be in hospital that long either (hopefully anyway!) so haven’t said yes to any visitors.

Anyone else doing the same?

OP posts:

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CaseofEllen · 07/02/2019 19:52

Hello! Similar to you we are not having any visitors except my parents and sister for the first week. We have a good relationship though! You and DH have a good plan I'd say x

Surfskatefamily · 07/02/2019 20:01

Hi not expecting but i did this. First two weeks just me n hubby. Apart from initial hello for babys nanna.
I needed not to feel pressure and it helped me be more relaxed and just focus on learning what to do.
Congrats and good luck xx

JamesBondFire · 07/02/2019 20:06

Didn't do it myself but if I ever have another I will be. Totally get why you're delaying visitors. Hope your families are understanding of this. xx

DevonshireDarling · 07/02/2019 20:06

I feel the same as you, we are quite far off from the birth yet but I've said I'd rather not have any visitors for the first few days, for reasons you give. I also don't know how I'll feel after the birth and may want time to recover in peace. Even if others don't agree with you, it doesn't matter, what you want is what matters, visitors can wait, they'll have plenty of time to have cuddles etc. it's such a special moment with a newborn, make the most of the quiet time then welcome them to your family and friends when you're ready. Just put your foot down and don't let people pressure you into having them round until you're ready.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/02/2019 20:07

I think thats sensible.

Tobebythesea · 07/02/2019 20:14

I’m definitely doing this for my second. We had so many visitors with our first. We were totally exhausted, overwhelmed and run ragged.

Next time I’m going to delay visitors and set up mugs, tea, coffee, biscuits etc and tell people to help themselves!

Original poster

ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms · 07/02/2019 20:18

Thanks all!

My in-laws were totally fine with this. It’s their first grandchild although they live a 3 hour drive away.

My mum said she understood at the time when we told her face to face but I’ve since received a message telling me it’s unreasonable and that I’m horrible. (Her neighbour had a baby a few months back and they didn’t have any visitors for 2 weeks and she was totally cool with that and said it was a good idea etc 🙄).

I was starting to second guess myself

OP posts:

curlywurlywooo · 07/02/2019 20:19

I’m expecting my first and I told DH I want no visitors for the first 2 weeks. Thing is when I say visitor, I don’t include my mum in this as she and my DH will be my support system - first time I’m giving birth and luckily mum and I very close. I’ll let PIL visit to say hello to baby after a few days but no longer than an hour or so. This might seem unfair, but they aren’t my parents and I’m not that close to them. My mum will be there for ME, the woman giving birth, not there as first dibs on grandchild etc. Obviously as I’ve never experienced childbirth I’m apprehensive of everything - how much pain will I be in after depending on how it goes, will I be knackered or will I be alright, will I struggle with breastfeeding or will I and baby get used to it quickly - there’s so many unknowns and I want to enjoy that special time just us three, and allow myself the privacy and space to recover. If after a week or so I feel up to visitors then I may well change my mind - but for me I feel it’s better to say NO now and then allow myself the room to change my mind depending on how it goes and how I feel

curlywurlywooo · 07/02/2019 20:24

There’s also good reasons for delaying visitors that you can use when people kick up a fuss - one is that baby’s immune system isn’t mature enough til about 4 weeks so limiting exposure to germs is important.
Thing is a newborn wants to sleep and feed so in my opinion nobodies going to miss out on anything - but I feel as a new mum you will miss out on that magic of having quiet time just you partner and baba

gnushoes · 07/02/2019 20:50

To play devil's advocate - visitors can be a lovely lift after a full on experience and there's something so special about newborns and people cooing over them and you. Think you do risk losing a bit of goodwill and also a nice experience. I remember visitors being lovely to have (except my mum who asked loudly why I still looked pregnant). You won't miss out on bonding with a few visitors, honest.

gnushoes · 07/02/2019 20:52

And I forgot - it's cathartic to relive labour for both parents and get it all out of your system a bit.

Justus22 · 07/02/2019 20:53

I didn't even consider this with my first and actually I ended up having no choice as both of our parents and my husbands sister and her partner turned up within an hour of me giving birth and I just sort of went with it. Felt fine about my parents seeing me in that state, not so much my in laws but I'd never have sent them away and allowed mine in I think that's really sad. I then found lots of friends and family just showed up when we came home from hospital and when we went to stay at my husbands parents a week later (our new house wasn't quite ready) we had a huge amount of people waiting including my mil's work friends I'd never met. Second time round we were prepared though and whilst we didn't put a ban on visitors we were quick to put people off for the first four days. Parents and siblings we didn't mind but they weren't too much and very helpful. You have to do what's best for you but if people do visit and out stay welcome just say you're going up stairs to put baby down so will say bye now in case you're not down before they leave (polite hint lol.) x

burritofan · 07/02/2019 21:01

I'm having my dad come to stay ASAP after the birth but like a pp said, not as a visitor but as a support system – he's definitely not a "hold the baby and demand tea" type parent. (I'm thankful DP's parents live 100s of miles away, aren't massively interested and will need to organise a dog-sitter before coming down – they're welcome and I want them in the baby's life but they are monumentally difficult and wouldn't lift a finger. They will sit silently and refuse to take their shoes off and I know I'll have to hide in the bedroom to breastfeed.)

All other visitors, including siblings, I'm playing it by ear – we're planning on cocooning ourselves for a while, but I'm open-minded, might be a physical wreck, might bounce back, might want company, might not… I have no qualms about putting time limits on visits, though.

Mommaof2x · 07/02/2019 21:23

I think this is a good idea
But it’s a hard one as it’s also lovely when visitors come and show you and baby so much love.
I wouldn’t have a choice as I have a huge family and they would be offended but if I did I think a welcome to the world/baby arrival afternoon is a nice idea eg when baby is a week old? Or maybe just tell very close people like even friends they can come.
Sometimes it’s nice to have a conversation and tell everyone how things have gone the birth etc

ALongHardWinter · 08/02/2019 17:15

I can totally understand this OP,and wish that I'd done it when I had my DD many yeas ago. But be aware that there is always going to be at least one person who just turns up anyway.......

sweetmarie · 08/02/2019 17:17

Surely the easiest way to achieve this is to just not announce the birth until you're both ready.

spinabifidamom · 08/02/2019 17:25

We had a strict no visitor policy the first week. The only visitor I allowed was my mom.
She brought me food and kept me from going crazy.
She was my support system post birth. My mom made countless cups of tea and complimented me. She was the designated person who fielded questions and calls from other family members.
I was grateful to have her.
My oldest closest friend also came to visit me during the first week. She thoughtfully made both children a lovely hat to wear. And she had cards.
She even acted as a temporary childcare provider. DS and DD were in the NICU after birth for days.

Deeedeeee · 08/02/2019 17:58

OP it should be your (and your DH's) decision and you should not have to make excuses. You might change your mind after the baby arrives and that's fine. You might not want visitors for longer than the first five days, and your family should respect that. Stick with what you and the baby need, even if it means miffed relatives - they're grown ups, they'll cope.

ChrisPrattsFace · 08/02/2019 18:04

I don’t want any in the first few days - me and DH haven’t really discussed it yet. We both have overbearing family - so we really want to avoid the smothering feeling!
Do what’s comfortable and right for you!

Bobfossil2 · 08/02/2019 18:09

I honestly think if I’d have done this I could have established breastfeeding. In hindsight I might have done first meetings and then no other visits for about five days.

iggi999 · 08/02/2019 18:15

It does sound a bit precious, given you haven't had a bad experience of them being controlling or outstaying welcome - if so, that would be different. I let the people who would go on to love my dc visit very early - grandparents and their godmother and an aunt and uncle. Other friends or relatives can wait a bit. I am concerned that you day this is your dh's preference - I can't see why he gets the main say.
There will be things you don't know how to do and times when having support is good for you all. And a massive desire to show off your amazing baby. In the end it's your choice obv but don't imagine that visitors are all pain and no gain.

SonEtLumiere · 08/02/2019 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helsvamp · 08/02/2019 19:26

I hate it when people just turn up when don't want visitors

Triskaidekaphilia · 08/02/2019 20:00

I can't decide. My parents and ILs are lovely and I'm fine with them seeing the baby, but don't really want people staying over- thinking we could pay for them to stay in the hotel round the corner, it's cheap but also not an expense we need. I'm happy for them to see me BF once established but worried it'll be harder if I have people in the house which tends to stress me out.

ICJump · 08/02/2019 20:22

I love having visitors post birth. My friends and family gave brought gifts and food. Chatted to me and my older DS’s.

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