Anyone expecting and not having visitors after the birth?

[ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms]

I’m 39 weeks and DH and I have decided that we didn’t want any visitors for the first 5 days. It was more DHs decision than mine but I want to establish breastfeeding etc and I don’t want to do that in front of parents (prudish I know but that’s just how I am). I also don’t have a great relationship with my parents either and I know they will just sit and demand cups of tea and want to hold the baby.

I can’t imagine we will be in hospital that long either (hopefully anyway!) so haven’t said yes to any visitors.

Anyone else doing the same?

[samG76]

We had a party Friday night, and asked prospective visitors to come to that rather than dropping in randomly. That worked very well, especially as we had the food brought in....

[SquidgeBS]

I think it should be up to you and your partner, so whatever you want at the time just tell everyone. Make sure it is what you want as well though, not just your partners preference. When my son was born my family arrived at our home as we got home from hospital and I personally loved it as I got to show off my incredible little human! My in laws live 160 miles away but came up when he was 2 days old and stayed at a local hotel as I preferred for nobody to stay at our home. I loved visitors but also valued my front door when we got tired!
This time I'll see how we feel but my son will meet his sibling before anyone else.
Go with how you feel and just enjoy every moment

[outpinked]

I wished I’d done it with my first DC so made sure I definitely put my foot down with DC2, 3 and 4. It was far better not having to worry about visitors imo. I’m introverted enough as it is but when I felt like shit, the last thing I wanted was family visiting .

[Mmmmbrekkie]

Also having visitors (if they are the right ones!) is great for slightly diluting the intensity of those first few days. I showered, dressed and put on a bit of make up before they arrived and it felt good.

[Mmmmbrekkie]

I loved visitors!

Mind you, small family and very close and they are all so considerate and loving

And then our very close friends that we have had for years.

No pressure, I made tea (I offered, there’s only so much sitting down I could do!) and we loved sitting around, chewing the fat and gazing at this beautiful newcomer in to our fold.

However that is what I liked. Nothing wrong or weird about you doing what you like.

[higgyhog]

You really don't know how you will feel until the baby arrives. With DS1 i was still in hospital as he had jaundice and we were not home until he was 5 days old, so with a couple of days to get ourselves sorted he was a week old before we could even think about seeing people.
DS 2 was born at home, i cooked dinner the day he was born and fetl a bit sad it was only us. When he was 3 days old we sere out shopping for presents for the community midwives who delivered him and I wanted the whole family to meet him. As i only had 6 weeks off work (self employed at the time) there was a lot of social stuff to fit into those first weeks.

[snitzelvoncrumb]

What ever you decide is fine. Just a suggestion but maybe don't tell people you don't plan to have visitors. Delay announcing the birth, that will give you a day, then just say oh I'm possibly coming home that day and don't know where I will be. Then just arrange visits for a few days time, if anyone just shows up don't answer the door. This should get you around five days, and no-one will get upset at being told they have to wait, it's less likely to become a battle of wills. Don't feel bad about wanting space, you may be tired and not want to spend the early days making cups of tea, it's also nice to have your boobs out when feeding in the early days.

[Nat6999]

The morning after I came home after having DS all my husband's family came round to visit, I was knackered, tearful, my blood pressure was still high, I was bleeding heavily, I flooded whilst they were there but I was too embarrassed to get up & go to the toilet to change. I just wanted everyone to go away & leave us alone except for my mum & dad. We lived round the corner from my in laws & I used to take over from early morning & bring DS downstairs so my husband could get some sleep, my bloody mother in law used to be knocking on the front window as she went to the paper shop at 6.30 in the morning, I never got a moment's peace. It was no wonder my blood pressure shot back up to dangerous levels.

[BertrandRussell]

In the 1940s, my mum’s doctor told her to buy “lots of lovely negligees” so she could “lie on the sofa looking pretty with the baby when visitors come to worship”

[Chickoletta]

I couldn't wait to show my babies to the people I loved.
You will 't really know how you feel until you're in the situation, but I think this is pretty selfish if you have grandparents who are excited and keen to meet their grandchild. Up to you, of course, but do remember that newborns sleep most of the time.

[mckenzie]

I was told not to open the door to anyone unless

1. they were bringing dinner for that night,
   or 2) they were collecting the contents of the laundry basket,
   or 3) they were returning said laundry now clean and ironed
   or 4) they were armed with cake.
   
   and any visitors who should be with you in the immediate period after birth should know you well enough to get on and make their own tea and coffee, and make you one too of course.
   
   Enjoy that special bonding time in whatever way works for you. There is no right or wrong way.

[themostouting]

I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and they visited in hospital about 4 hours after I'd given birth to DD. Then I got married the day after so all of both of our families were able to see her, give gifts/best wishes and then, aside from my parents and PIL, we had very few visitors for the following week or so. This worked for us and we were both happy with the situation.

If it works for you, and given the fact that you have mentioned your strained relationship, then you shouldn't worry about anyone else. Enjoy your baby and your new family unit.

[2019Dancerz]

I would imagine having a visitor who had breastfed could be very helpful - more so than just having your dp there.

[upsidedown13]

As a health visitor we actually advise that you spend at least a few days after baby arrives to establish breast feeding and get used to becoming a family unit. This is yours and your partner's time with baby, to bond and learn. Sometimes parents want to show baby off straight away and that's fine too, but if you are unsure about visitors do as above, only you your partner your baby and a daily midwife to support and answer questions!

All the best for the future with your little one!

[whathaveiforgottentoday]

Each to their own I suppose. I loved having visitors and my mum was a godsend and actually I have no memory of anybody being inconsiderate when visiting. They all made their own tea and didn't stay too long. I think most wanted a quick cuddle if possible though.
Perhaps it helped that I was one of the last of my friends to have children so they all understood the protocol when visiting or maybe I just have lovely friends and family !!

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Personally I loved showing off my babies to friends and family - and neither birth was easy.

Having said that, none of my visitors was a PITA, or likely to be.

However think it's reasonable to ban anyone who's likely to stay for hours, or be critical, or to expect to be waited on, or to stay overnight, UNLESS you have plenty of room and it's someone who's going to make themselves thoroughly useful by doing all the non-baby stuff, thus leaving you to feed/cuddle/eat and sleep whenever poss.
That will usually be your own DM, if you're lucky enough to have one like that.

Also, the best visitors are those who, besides any present for the baby, also bring a meal that can easily be heated up and eaten in peace - after they've gone.

[fiadhflower]

Like some others have said, I think it’s worth waiting to see how you feel. I recently had a baby. And beforehand I didn’t know how I’d feel about visitors and trying to breastfeed in front of people in the early days. This was complicated by the fact that the majority of our family and friends live several hours’ drive or a flight away, so we knew they couldn’t call around for an hour.

I’m the end though, it was lovely to have close family and friends visit in those early weeks. My baby was feeding constantly for the first two weeks and I basically couldn’t move from the sofa all day. Having people to chat to while she was feeding really lifted my spirits. And they were so delighted to meet her in the rare moments she was off my breast. I think I would perhaps have felt quite down without those visits.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Firstdateschannel4q24s]

I wish I had been able to say no to visitors. When I had 1st DD by emergency cesaerian I was very poorly afterwards and it was 3 days before I was actually aware that I had had her. However, MIL and SIL arrived within 40mins and told nurses she was my mother ( I've never called her mum) was allowed in the room whilst I was 'out of it'. Whenever family talk about babies being born etc she will bring up that, ' it was a good job she came cos I wasn't fit for anything and was like a zombie.' It has always hurt me when she said it. She doesn't know that the senior midwife explained the circumstances of my EC and that both DD and I had effectively died and were so lucky to be here. I've never said anything to her cos too much time has passed (25years) but it still hurts just the same. As a side note my mum and dad were told to 'come back later.

[Curlywurlywooo]

@cathf at the risk of appearing rude, from your posts on this thread I get the impression you had your children a good few years ago...things have changed. Once upon a time dads didn’t get paternity leave and didn’t attend the birth, they are a lot more involved now. There is now more attention paid to the mental well-being of the new mother and this is a good thing. If new mum decides having some quiet time with baba is right for her, then that’s her decision. No one is going to hide their baby from the world forever, it’s literally a few days out of a lifetime..

[vdbfamily]

Look was meant to say poo

[vdbfamily]

I am another one who thinks you might get a bit bored. They don't do much ,new babies, they just sleep, look and feed and having friends and family around broke the tedium. With my second , he was born the week before Christmas and was 2 weeks late. He had starring role in our church nativity and my poor dad thought he might not arrive in time, but at 5 days old, I swaddled him tightly and laid him in a manger filled with straw and he slept all the way through the carol service. I guess what I am saying is that if you have a straight forward birth you may even be out and about within that time.

[SidSparrow]

@QueenAnneBoleyn Oh god that is awful and so disrespectful! It's weird that people can't wait a week or two. They just want fresh baby. I think they get something weird out of it, like maybe some kind of deep psychological mental stuff that being close to new life gives them a lease of life or energy. They need to be close to new life. I found it super odd, people I hadn't seen in years or never heard of coming round. People aren't interested in you (well no one was interested in me) they just want a hold of the baby and I suspect a sniff. They're actually not interested in the babies needs just their own curiosity.

[SidSparrow]

@RuthW I get that. When and if I get to be a Gran I too would be gutted but after DD1 I would respect and understand her decision. It really does depend on your own relationship. Some families are not so close.

[QueenAnneBoleyn]

I wish I’d been able to have this sort of quiet time after giving birth.
We said in advance that we didn’t want any visitors to the hospital and we would let people know when they could visit once we were home. My family were very accepting of this. MIL was horrified and argued the toss.
Fast forward to the birth - I had a rough time and it was all a bit traumatic. Within hours of giving birth MIL was on the phone to DH about wanting to visit and then making him feel guilty. He broke under the pressure and the next thing I had 4 members of his family rocking up. Photos were then later put on FB by one of them of me in hospital bed looking awful. Not impressed.

[RuthW]

I agree about general visitors but would be gutted if I couldn't see my grandchild for five days and support my daughter.