Anyone expecting and not having visitors after the birth?

[ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms]

I’m 39 weeks and DH and I have decided that we didn’t want any visitors for the first 5 days. It was more DHs decision than mine but I want to establish breastfeeding etc and I don’t want to do that in front of parents (prudish I know but that’s just how I am). I also don’t have a great relationship with my parents either and I know they will just sit and demand cups of tea and want to hold the baby.

I can’t imagine we will be in hospital that long either (hopefully anyway!) so haven’t said yes to any visitors.

Anyone else doing the same?

I would reserve the right to change your mind! I was lucky enough to have a (relatively) easy birth, and the baby slept A LOT in the first week, during the day anyway 😉. The weather wasn’t great and I didn’t really feel confident or well enough to go out by myself. So I was keen to have visitors!

I thought I’d be like this but honestly, just see how you feel.

My birth was fine, we had plenty of rest at the hospital and I couldn’t wait to show my new baby off to visitors. They were all respectful though. Only stayed for an hour and didn’t demand too many cuddles.

I have my mum coming the day after as she has the carry cot part of the travel system and I want to use it for downstairs naps and just to see I'm ok and baby is ok, but will literally be here for a hour or so then go off to a B&B. If she hadn't got the carry cot bit we wouldn't be having visitors either! I'm similar to you I want to work out the whole breast feeding thing in my own company rather than with others around as I'm quite nervous about it all (FTM)
Good luck when your little one arrives!

We had every intention of at least having a few hours after our planned home birth, which indeed went to pot, ended in an EMCS and mother and brother were waiting outside the bleeding ward when we came from recovery, followed half an hour later by MIL. Next time nobody will come near me for two weeks. I BF and the MW covered us with a towel for a bit of modesty whilst I was wheeled to the ward but like you I'm prudish and it was just awkward. Baby needed feeding so I did, but it made me uncomfortable and I feel hindered binding, which in itself had been further delayed given the fact I was out of it on G&A in theatre as they stitched me up so my OH had done skin to skin and I'd missed it all. All other visitors politely waited until I invited them which wasn't for a week or so, but mother and MIL are still a nightmare. They both turn up at the same time and it's just awkward because apparently they can't share and I have the overwhelming urge to help GIVE ME MY CHILD BACK! I absolutely lost it the other day as well when the umpteenth present turns up, if Sheila, one of my mother's customers, who I have never heard of let alone met, and apparently I'm expected to find time to write all these random strangers thank you cards. Also, nobody seems to care when you say you have only had two hours sleep and are going to bed, they're like oh okay and then just linger honestly what you're suggesting is the most sensible of ideas and you won't regret it, and it will be what I do next time, including parents!

This depends entirely on your family circumstances and is a very personal al decision.

It feels a lot of people these days are having a no visitors policy and part of me feels sad about that.

DS was a NICU baby and only DH & I could view him in his incubator. When DD came along my parents came to the hospital with my DS when she was about 4-5 hours old. They allowed DS to come in first to meet his sister. The love and happiness on their faces when they met their granddaughter was very special and a moment I treasure.

We went out for lunch with some close friends when DD was 4 days old.

Different strokes for different folks but I personally loved seeing the love that other people had for my children.

I think no visitors is fine if that’s what you feel comfortable with. I do sympathise as my parents turned up unexpectedly in the hospital and stayed for over three hours. It was lovely to see them and I totally get that they wanted to meet their grandchild but I was hand expressing colostrum hourly at that point and doing lots of skin to skin to try and get breast feeding going (missed it at the beginning as he was in SCBU) and there was no way I could do that with my dad in the room. I ended up totally stressed out and upset.

If I did it again I would be a bit firmer about setting limits on visits in the first week - say an hour max and only close friends and family.

It think it’s a totally individual decision based on so many factors. People on this thread are going on about controlling parents and ILs, but I think it’s equally controlling to state categorically before the birth exactly what you want to do and how you expect people to behave. You might have an easy birth, quickly establish breastfeeding and want to show your baby off - I agree with gnushoes posts in that respect. I would wait until the baby is born and then play it by ear (which is actually the best advice for so many things once you have kids - there’s rarely a one-size-fits-all solution to any of the challenges you will face). Reasonable people will understand a reasonable request - if parents, ILs etc are unreasonable then that’s a different kettle of fish, but be wary of becoming the unreasonable one yourself.

I can understand your concerns about wanting to establish breastfeeding but be prepared for that to take more than one week. Things aren’t always that straight forward and I speak from bitter experience. It took me weeks to establish bf with both children. With one I gave up after several months pumping and with the other one it took until baby was five weeks. What would you do if that were to happen? Would you van all visitors during that time? I think it’s a bit mean to say immediate grandparents have to wait a week to see their new grand child. Surely a ten minute visit would hurt and they don’t have to hold the baby.

• wouldn’t hurt

“There’s also good reasons for delaying visitors that you can use when people kick up a fuss - one is that baby’s immune system isn’t mature enough til about 4 weeks so limiting exposure to germs is important.“

Except that is not remotely true, is it?

If anything a small baby still has antibodies from mums blood at that stage.

Obviously some germs should be avoided. My poor DM had to delay meeting DD as she had shingles. I'm grateful she didn't throw a hissy fit and try to insist everyone else waits to see the baby in order to "be fair" like some of the bratty grandparents you hear about on MN.

I had parents and in laws visiting at the hospital and then wider family the day we got home & the rest of the week. They didn't stay long, made themselves a cup of tea or didn't have one. It wasn't massively intrusive on me and for them, they got to see their nephew / cousin when he was really tiny. My second child was clearly less of a novelty and just the grandparents saw him in the first couple of weeks. They brought dinners round for us though so it was really nice.

New grandparents and anyone who cares about you will want to see you all and share your joy. We let four lots of family visit in hospital, obviously all short visits. Grandparents did want to visit later the following week but I don't think it was too long. Have a comfy chair in another room for you to feed the baby.

I had two hours of stitches but we were out locally shopping/meal out the day after being discharged from hospital - it's a bit nerve racking but good to get into a normal routine.

Either way, enjoy your little one

Pre birth i thought it would be great to have lots of early visitors. Wanted to share the babe.

I had a hard birth and was in hospital for a few days and, although we did have lots of visitors as planned, I did find it really draining, especially when people came as whole families.

BF was an issue too in that for the first days it’s was much easier to do while basically totally naked. Took me a couple of weeks to be able to do it discreetly with the appropriate clothing.

Just see how you feel. Some people bounce back much quicker than I did.

In retrospect, I would still have wanted grandparents around in the first few days. There is something special about meeting a brand brand new baby. But I might have put a few other people off til later.

Good luck! xx

Does anyone remember the days when having a baby was regarded as a normal life stage, and not some massive event with the new parents issuing orders from above to control their pesky relatives?
Still at least it shows them who's boss and baby can be used as a way to control them.
I personally can Imagine nothing more tedious than being holed up for a fortnight with just a new baby for company.

I personally can imagine nothing more tedious than being holed up for a fortnight with just a new baby for company
Completely agree with this statement. I enjoyed having visitors, can't imagine saying 'no you can't come'. Though I would probably have asked them to leave if they stayed too long and I was getting too tired.

God forbid new parents should be allowed to say no to nuisance visitors

@cathf thank god everybody is different and we're not all the same. One persons idea of hell is another's bliss.

Lots of things were different "back in the day". Many used to leave children in Prams outside shops, drug their children to sleep, not bother with car seats or seatbelts, let their children roam the streets. Times have changed a lot. We live in a world now where everything is available on demand 24/7 and people don't like to wait for things.

I really don't think wanting to spend a few days as a new family and making time stand still is a) unreasonable or b) anybody else's business.

I do think though that if you don't want visitors, don't announce your birth as soon as it happens. Wait a day or two and enjoy your peace and quiet if that's what you want. It makes for a lot less drama. We've been giving out a false due date the whole pregnancy just so people don't pester us in the last few weeks.

youre baby youre rules if they dont like it tough with my daughter with both grandaughters i waited to be asked to visit because as a mum myself i wanted to give her time to establish a bond not be stressed trying to breastfeed when i did visit i made my own cups of cofffee tidied up a bit got the older one dressed took her out or just watched them both so mum could grap a nap or shower

I have no one, not one person, who can visit to see my babies.

I should be very careful what you wish for, having someone to hold your newborn and tell you that they are beautiful is wonderful and worth making cups of tea for.

Personally, I absolutely loved having my entire family come to visit within minutes of being home. I feel really comfortable around them and we are all very close, so couldn’t have imagined any different. However saying that, you should definitely just do what you feel most comfortable with, and what would be best for you personally. You’re perfectly within your right to not feel up to visitors, after squeezing an entire baby out of your body!!

Nuisance visitors? I used to wonder if real people were honestly so self-absorbed but reading this, I realise the answer is yes, but I they are.
I would bear in mind that at some point to be arbitrarily decided by the new parents, they might need support/help and they might well be bitching on MN about how disinterested their parents are in their baby.
I think when you are pregnant or have a new baby, it's easy to slip into thinking that you are the centre of the universe and everything revolves around you and your baby.
You are not and it does not. Not allow g anyone to see your new baby is controlling and a bit weired, frankly.
In re life but not on mn

With our first, the constant stream of visitors were a bit much at home in the first week however I look back at it as a nice celebratory time, but I didn't mind visitors to hospital at all, it's nice that people want to meet the baby when brand new, it's their grandchild too. That said, if you don't have a good relationship with them then that's different.

Loads of random predictive text and odd spellings in there, apologies

@BertrandRussell
“Except that is not remotely true, is it?”
Would you let someone visit your newborn if they had a cold? Babies aren’t born with fully functioning immune systems and that’s a fact