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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone expecting and not having visitors after the birth?

85 replies

ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms · 07/02/2019 19:18

I’m 39 weeks and DH and I have decided that we didn’t want any visitors for the first 5 days. It was more DHs decision than mine but I want to establish breastfeeding etc and I don’t want to do that in front of parents (prudish I know but that’s just how I am). I also don’t have a great relationship with my parents either and I know they will just sit and demand cups of tea and want to hold the baby.

I can’t imagine we will be in hospital that long either (hopefully anyway!) so haven’t said yes to any visitors.

Anyone else doing the same?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SnuggyBuggy · 09/02/2019 14:07

A. a recently post partum woman doesn't "owe" any nuisance relatives time with her baby

B. Babies have passive immunity from antibodies crossing the placenta and if breastfed from their mother's milk.

Justus22 · 09/02/2019 14:25

@cathf bit harsh, i agree to an extent when it comes to close friends and family who won't out stay their welcome but 5 days isn't excessive alone time. I purposely wait to be invited by our friends and family when they've just given birth now because I know how it feels to be overwhelmed, I will go with the flow in terms of visitors again this time but first baby we were totally bombarded. I guess it also depends on your friends and family. It's a bit self absorbed/ungrateful to be completely inflexible about visitors but it's also pretty selfish/self absorbed to not respect the space of new parents and just turn up whenever you like, we all recover at different rates too, I had anemia and piles after one of mine I was a walking zombie in a Lot of pain just focussing on resting and looking after baby for the first few days, was ok with close family around but not everyone is close.

burritofan · 09/02/2019 15:41

Not allow g anyone to see your new baby is controlling and a bit weired, frankly.

But it's not only about the baby; it's about the new mother. I can be as controlling about who sees me as I like, particularly when I've just gone through childbirth for the first time. People can wait to see a baby – the baby won't know any different and it's not like they do something fascinating on day one that they won't on day five or ten.

elliejjtiny · 09/02/2019 15:52

I wish I'd done this with my first. I should have slept more in the daytime too.

sollyfromsurrey · 09/02/2019 17:16

ineedtostopgooglingsymptoms
My mum said she understood at the time when we told her face to face but I’ve since received a message telling me it’s unreasonable and that I’m horrible. (Her neighbour had a baby a few months back and they didn’t have any visitors for 2 weeks and she was totally cool with that and said it was a good idea*

Message her "dear Mum, I am terribly confused by your recent message in which you called me horrible. As you were fine when I told you of our plans in person, it puzzles me that you are now calling me unreasonable. You were very supportive of your neighbour when they chose not to have visitors for 2 weeks, infact you said you thought it was a very good idea. It is for these reasons that I am mystified by your recent aggresive text and complete turn around of opinion. I'm going to choose to assume that you were overtaken by some peculiar emotion that led you to call me nasty names and go against what you previously thought was wise. As discussed, I will let you know when we will be ready to accept visitors".

helpamamaout · 09/02/2019 18:39

I wish I was brave enough to do this! Sounds bliss!

cathf · 09/02/2019 19:18

The self-importance and entitlement on this thread is simply breathtaking. I think the world has gone mad.

Lookingforadvice123 · 09/02/2019 19:24

I do understand, but I think I would allow immediate family (ie grandparents and aunties/uncles) one visit just to meet the baby, then leave you to it.

I'm 38 weeks with my second child and my in laws were a nightmare with my first, but we were so sleep deprived and confused we just went along with it. They came the first night we were home from the hospital - fine. But then came EVERY DAY for over a week. And like your parents basically expected hot drinks made for them and cuddles, whilst making it clear how uncomfortable they were with me breastfeeding! Not this time. They can come once - quickly - then leave us to it for a while. At least a week!

SidSparrow · 09/02/2019 19:29

Your baby, your rules. If I could go back I would say no visitors for the first week. I had people I barely new wanting a piece. It's actually bizarre, people just want to be close to a newborn, like they are reliving when they had a baby. My folks would come round and were clueless. They brought drink the first day we got out the hospital. Were up again the next day just hanging about, they didn't offer to do anything, just sat and stared DD1 like she was some sort of exhibit whilst I ran about making tea and coffee etc, all whilst I was trying to establish breast feeding. I hid in the bedroom and silently screamed "F@@k Off". I was in tears. They're still clueless! And sadly not the type you can be honest with since they're easily offended. (Ggrrrrr)

It depends on your visitors but I would politely say no visitors for a week. It's a challenge a day and last thing you want is your house feeling like a costa.

Best wishes for baba's arrival!

ahaoho · 09/02/2019 19:33

@cathf nope, just you. heaven forbid women make choices that make them most comfortable when they've gone through childbirth and establishing breastfeeding.

I'm pleased more people aren't afraid to put restrictions in place to make them most comfortable. Mum and baby are priority, everyone else can wait.

Good luck op! I didn't allow any visitors for 2 weeks with dc2 after the horrendous experience we had with dc1 and it was the best decision we've ever made. So lovely and peaceful and breastfeeding went really well too in comparison.

RuthW · 09/02/2019 19:41

I agree about general visitors but would be gutted if I couldn't see my grandchild for five days and support my daughter.

QueenAnneBoleyn · 09/02/2019 19:44

I wish I’d been able to have this sort of quiet time after giving birth.
We said in advance that we didn’t want any visitors to the hospital and we would let people know when they could visit once we were home. My family were very accepting of this. MIL was horrified and argued the toss.
Fast forward to the birth - I had a rough time and it was all a bit traumatic. Within hours of giving birth MIL was on the phone to DH about wanting to visit and then making him feel guilty. He broke under the pressure and the next thing I had 4 members of his family rocking up. Photos were then later put on FB by one of them of me in hospital bed looking awful. Not impressed.

SidSparrow · 09/02/2019 19:46

@RuthW I get that. When and if I get to be a Gran I too would be gutted but after DD1 I would respect and understand her decision. It really does depend on your own relationship. Some families are not so close.

SidSparrow · 09/02/2019 19:53

@QueenAnneBoleyn Oh god that is awful and so disrespectful! It's weird that people can't wait a week or two. They just want fresh baby. I think they get something weird out of it, like maybe some kind of deep psychological mental stuff that being close to new life gives them a lease of life or energy. They need to be close to new life. I found it super odd, people I hadn't seen in years or never heard of coming round. People aren't interested in you (well no one was interested in me) they just want a hold of the baby and I suspect a sniff. They're actually not interested in the babies needs just their own curiosity.

vdbfamily · 09/02/2019 20:29

I am another one who thinks you might get a bit bored. They don't do much ,new babies, they just sleep, look and feed and having friends and family around broke the tedium. With my second , he was born the week before Christmas and was 2 weeks late. He had starring role in our church nativity and my poor dad thought he might not arrive in time, but at 5 days old, I swaddled him tightly and laid him in a manger filled with straw and he slept all the way through the carol service. I guess what I am saying is that if you have a straight forward birth you may even be out and about within that time.

vdbfamily · 09/02/2019 20:29

Look was meant to say poo

Curlywurlywooo · 09/02/2019 20:47

@cathf at the risk of appearing rude, from your posts on this thread I get the impression you had your children a good few years ago...things have changed. Once upon a time dads didn’t get paternity leave and didn’t attend the birth, they are a lot more involved now. There is now more attention paid to the mental well-being of the new mother and this is a good thing. If new mum decides having some quiet time with baba is right for her, then that’s her decision. No one is going to hide their baby from the world forever, it’s literally a few days out of a lifetime..

Firstdateschannel4q24s · 09/02/2019 22:51

I wish I had been able to say no to visitors. When I had 1st DD by emergency cesaerian I was very poorly afterwards and it was 3 days before I was actually aware that I had had her. However, MIL and SIL arrived within 40mins and told nurses she was my mother ( I've never called her mum) was allowed in the room whilst I was 'out of it'. Whenever family talk about babies being born etc she will bring up that, ' it was a good job she came cos I wasn't fit for anything and was like a zombie.' It has always hurt me when she said it. She doesn't know that the senior midwife explained the circumstances of my EC and that both DD and I had effectively died and were so lucky to be here. I've never said anything to her cos too much time has passed (25years) but it still hurts just the same. As a side note my mum and dad were told to 'come back later.

fiadhflower · 10/02/2019 12:23

Like some others have said, I think it’s worth waiting to see how you feel. I recently had a baby. And beforehand I didn’t know how I’d feel about visitors and trying to breastfeed in front of people in the early days. This was complicated by the fact that the majority of our family and friends live several hours’ drive or a flight away, so we knew they couldn’t call around for an hour.

I’m the end though, it was lovely to have close family and friends visit in those early weeks. My baby was feeding constantly for the first two weeks and I basically couldn’t move from the sofa all day. Having people to chat to while she was feeding really lifted my spirits. And they were so delighted to meet her in the rare moments she was off my breast. I think I would perhaps have felt quite down without those visits.

Good luck whatever you decide.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/02/2019 15:10

Personally I loved showing off my babies to friends and family - and neither birth was easy.

Having said that, none of my visitors was a PITA, or likely to be.

However think it's reasonable to ban anyone who's likely to stay for hours, or be critical, or to expect to be waited on, or to stay overnight, UNLESS you have plenty of room and it's someone who's going to make themselves thoroughly useful by doing all the non-baby stuff, thus leaving you to feed/cuddle/eat and sleep whenever poss.
That will usually be your own DM, if you're lucky enough to have one like that.

Also, the best visitors are those who, besides any present for the baby, also bring a meal that can easily be heated up and eaten in peace - after they've gone.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 10/02/2019 15:30

Each to their own I suppose. I loved having visitors and my mum was a godsend and actually I have no memory of anybody being inconsiderate when visiting. They all made their own tea and didn't stay too long. I think most wanted a quick cuddle if possible though.
Perhaps it helped that I was one of the last of my friends to have children so they all understood the protocol when visiting or maybe I just have lovely friends and family !!

upsidedown13 · 10/02/2019 15:49

As a health visitor we actually advise that you spend at least a few days after baby arrives to establish breast feeding and get used to becoming a family unit. This is yours and your partner's time with baby, to bond and learn. Sometimes parents want to show baby off straight away and that's fine too, but if you are unsure about visitors do as above, only you your partner your baby and a daily midwife to support and answer questions!

All the best for the future with your little one!

2019Dancerz · 10/02/2019 16:32

I would imagine having a visitor who had breastfed could be very helpful - more so than just having your dp there.

themostouting · 10/02/2019 16:41

I have a fantastic relationship with my parents and they visited in hospital about 4 hours after I'd given birth to DD. Then I got married the day after so all of both of our families were able to see her, give gifts/best wishes and then, aside from my parents and PIL, we had very few visitors for the following week or so. This worked for us and we were both happy with the situation.

If it works for you, and given the fact that you have mentioned your strained relationship, then you shouldn't worry about anyone else. Enjoy your baby and your new family unit.

mckenzie · 10/02/2019 22:00

I was told not to open the door to anyone unless

they were bringing dinner for that night, or 2) they were collecting the contents of the laundry basket, or 3) they were returning said laundry now clean and ironed or 4) they were armed with cake.

and any visitors who should be with you in the immediate period after birth should know you well enough to get on and make their own tea and coffee, and make you one too of course.

Enjoy that special bonding time in whatever way works for you. There is no right or wrong way.

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