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Original poster

Should you expect your in laws to help with buying baby stuff?

313 replies

Peonyblush1 · 19/01/2019 12:42

Hi all, I’m 31 weeks today and still have a lot of the big stuff to buy for baby we’re kind of waiting for the baby shower to see what other friends and family will be getting us.

My mum and I have done most of shopping we’ve bought all the clothes and small bits and she’s buying my pushchair which is Expensive!

My in-laws have just bought two blankets and a few slogan vests.
I still have the cot, bouncer, car seat base etc to buy ..
We can afford these of course but I feel like they’re not bothering at all, it’s their first grandchild and they have a lot of money (but they’re tight) lol.

I just don’t think it’s fair that my mum is buying one of the most expensive items and they’re not bothering at all or asking us if we need anything :/
I always mention to my MIL that I still need to buy this and that but she still doesn’t seem to ask or anything ..

I don’t know if I’m expecting too much but I just thought they’d be more helpful because they always help other family members and strangers but not their own children .. bizarre?

OP posts:
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grinchypants · 20/01/2019 08:02

Oh op you sound so self aware & mature

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/01/2019 08:03

If you don't have good enough friends that would throw and host a baby shower for you ... then who exactly would you invite to it?!

OurLove · 20/01/2019 08:04

I don't see baby showers as grabby either.

I never had one but from my understanding you wouldn't get more presents. You would simply get the presents before the baby is born instead of afterwards. I don't think people would go and buy a second present if they went to the shower.

Torsz · 20/01/2019 08:05

I don't know of people officially arranging their own baby shower, but I do know that they're generally very involved and tend to instigate the arrangements 😂

I actually messaged my sister lightheartedly saying 'so when's my baby shower?' and she was really pleased to be asked to arrange it (and said several of my friends had asked her about it already).

I hope I don't sound 'grabby' - I couldn't care less about gifts but I want to get my friends together to eat cake and play games, as we've done each time one of them has had a baby!!

MyBreadIsEggy · 20/01/2019 08:05

OurLove
Because the whole point of a baby shower was for a friend/family member to organise a gift-giving party (which is what a baby shower is) because they want to give gifts to the mum-to-be and baby.
Organising your own baby shower is like saying “You are invited to this party where your only purpose is to come give me presents”

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 20/01/2019 08:09

You are a CF like it or not. You may have to change your expectations in life to avoid disappointments.

Pootle40 · 20/01/2019 08:09

I can understand your perspective and this will one of many occasions when you discover grandparents are different with son's children v daughter's children. That is quite common.

Battenburg1978 · 20/01/2019 08:10

Wow, we only have my mum left and she sent over some lovely clothes but would never have had the expectation of anything more. However I do remember that when a friend's brother had a baby there was nearly an family rift over which side of the family would be allowed to buy the cot/pram so it clearly is a 'thing' in some families for grandparents to purchase a large item.

TheDowagerCuntess · 20/01/2019 08:19

The point of a baby shower is to 'shower' the expectant mum with gifts.

You don't ask for gifts or presents. This is really bad form. So hosting your own baby shower is just not the Done Thing.

Obviously, in this day and age of gift lists, people now think that asking for presents is OK. But it's really not, which is why anyone with any cop on doesn't include a wedding gift list in with the invitation.

It's about as unaware and cringey as it gets.

MsSquiz · 20/01/2019 08:26

Based on the thread title, YABU to expect in laws to buy things for your baby.

Yes, it would be lovely for them to say "we would like to buy our grandchild a cot/pushchair/whatever". It you cannot just expect that.

You also say your DH never even had birthday cakes from his parents - so why would you then expect anything from them?

My in laws have spent lots of money on our nephews and niece over the years, but I would never expect or assume they would do the same should DH and I have a child.

Maybe they think you and your DM have it all sorted, so are trying not to be overbearing in laws taking over? You did say in this thread you'd rather buy your own as you're specific on the brands/makes you want.

Sometimes people just can't win...

MsSquiz · 20/01/2019 08:29

Also, I've never known anyone to rock up to a baby shower with large gifts (like cots or pushchairs, etc) but I am in the UK.

The few I have been to, people tend to buy gifts for mum (bottles of fizz for once baby's has arrived, fancy toiletries, massage vouchers, that kind of thing) and small gifts for baby like clothes, small toys, or books as people also tend to buy the baby a gift when they are born too.

Heyha · 20/01/2019 08:58

I must say I've taken one thing front his thread and that's a reason why my MIL is being so blasé...I suspect she is disappointed that first grandchild is coming from her DS not her DD. Equally she knows she isn't likely to get any at all from DD but she is borderline obsessive about her even as an adult so I guess that could be it. Good job FIL (separated) is being amazing otherwise I think it would break my DP's heart

Dumbie · 20/01/2019 09:45

I actually rtft
Read your op. And the title

Totally different responses if you'd started with 'my in laws don't appear to be interested in their soon to be born grandchild'.

AppleBlossomArseCheeks · 20/01/2019 09:57

Yabu people buying you gifts is a treat not an entitlement

TrickyKid · 20/01/2019 10:01

OMG is this really how it is now? People expect relatives to automatically buy stuff for the baby. And you're waiting to see what you get out of the baby shower. You sound like an entitled cf.

grinchypants · 20/01/2019 10:04

Apparently anybody who thinks this is cf behaviour is a "hater" and has given the op lots of LOLz
That will include her in-laws then. Presumably she calls them haters too?
Just waiting for the massive drip feed where op reveals she is 15 and then it all makes sense

SoyDora · 20/01/2019 11:02

Heyha OP with name change fail?

Frazzled2207 · 20/01/2019 13:50

Personally I think it's a bit odd to buy anything for anyone else's baby until it is actually born.

My dm definitely bought a few bits but none of the "essential" stuff- we bought pram, car seat, cot etc.
I don't recall my MiL buying them anything at all before they were born and even then not much.
She has helped us enormously in childcare though which helps an awful lot more than extra clothes would.

I think yabu. Incidentally as you will discover babies are quite cheap. They become ridiculously expensive when they are older.

howlerr · 20/01/2019 14:11

"We're kind of waiting for the baby shower to see what other friends and family will be getting us"
*
"I'm just doing a baby shower to make memories"
*
Do you realise people can read?

Knittedgnome · 20/01/2019 14:13

@MsSquiz Also, I've never known anyone to rock up to a baby shower with large gifts (like cots or pushchairs, etc) but I am in the UK.

I'm in the States and have been to many, many showers and never seen it either.

Heyha · 20/01/2019 14:17

Oh no @soydora 😂 definitely not, I'm no CF. In my first reply I mentioned that MIL apparently has no interest in her first grandchild on the way and the responses the OP has had since have (charitably) suggested it might be because the grandchild is coming from the DS not the DD. I hadn't considered that in our case but having seen a few people mention it I can see it might be why, as MIL idolises her DD. Not that it'll make my DP feel any better but it's made me rationalise her behaviour a little so I'm less annoyed about it.

And by no interest I mean doesn't even ask how we are, not that she hasn't paid the deposit on the dear grandchild's first house yet 😂😂😂😂😂

SoyDora · 20/01/2019 14:25

Apologies Heyha!

Heyha · 20/01/2019 14:28

No worries @soydora can't be offended by someone with a cool username 😘

BettyReeceHello · 06/07/2020 22:54

Absolute BS if my child was expecting a baby I would firstly say let me know what you need I want to help you buy something. So yes they should opt to ask you if you need anything. It is their granchild at the end of the day!!!! I would hands down buy them
What they needed !!!!!!!

Pea1984 · 07/07/2020 07:50

Just read this entire thread Shock

Anyone else desperate to know what gifts the OP got at her baby shower and if her IL’s ever showed any interest (i.e bought loads of lavish gifts)???

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