Is the newborn phase really that bad?!

[RoyalGalas]

Hello everyone

Not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is ok!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster so far, especially to start with. Happily, I'm starting to settle in and enjoy it all now.

The problem is, everywhere I turn there are articles, threads, colleagues, my dentist (!), describing the experience of having a newborn baby (or just having children in general) as some endless nightmare. I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on.

It can't be that bad, surely? The horror stories have got to me so much that in my tired and hormonal moments (so basically every evening from 9pm onwards), I start feeling like our baby is a time bomb, which then makes me feel guilty, and the cycle continues. Honestly, at times I feel completely terrified.

So this is a desperate plea for some nice, positive stories of your experiences with your new babies. I know it's going to be really hard, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I need some reassurance!

Thanks in advance, from this scared newbie

No it's not that bad, my favourite part. Toddlers, however....

You know what? You're going to be 100% fine.

We've not had the easiest ride with my eldest. He's had a few niggly health problems and even then he's brought joy to my life that I can't describe. Sometimes my.heart just bubbles with love for him and it's the most incredible feeling.

My youngest is twelve months younger. He's currently 8 months. He's just an amazing baby. He wakes at night but his wakeups are very brief. He naps we'll despite sleeping on my for the first four months of his life. He's pretty chilled and so scrummy.

Your life will change in ways that can't be measured and described but you'll power through the tough bits and enjoy the good bits.

Enjoy the cuddles while you can and let the screaming wash over you if you can because it goes in the blink of an eye. This is coming from a person who's first baby would scream in pain for upwards of six hours

I found it really bloody awful. Some of my friends loved it though. Depends on the baby to a large extent (mine were definitely not babies who ‘sleep all the time’, they were awake more than they were asleep from day 1). On the other hand, I haven’t found the toddler years particularly difficult.

Note I am currently pregnant with number 3 so can’t be all that bad, although I’m already looking forward to this one reaching 6 months

I LOVE the newborn phase but I’ve had babies that don’t scream all night & Ive just adapted to their needs.

First baby wouldn’t lie flat on his back due to bruised head from ventouse so hated pram etc & had a 3 hour sleep cycle at night/day really.
I breastfed so we safety go-slept, he went in the carrier instead of pram & I cut out dairy when breastfeeding.
Very easy, walked loads & was lovely. Cluster feeding was a bit of a shock but other than that was fine.

Second, slept in Moses basket & actually went for 5 hours at night. Breastfed again & we were at playgroup when he was 4 days old. Just used to cluster feed in the carrier instead of being sat on sofa.

New one in Jan will just slot in again. It’s when they start moving, that’s the problem but not for 6 months.

They're all different OP. I found it very hard but others have an easier time.

Loved toddlers.
Newborns are more difficult after long difficult, complicated, painful labours and crash sections.

Mastitis wasn’t fun either. No indeed.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Get an appointment with a physio and lactation consultant asap after the birth.

Accept all the help you can get, and freeze dinners in portions.

Your partner should be doing at least half the domestic chores by now.
He’ll have to step up to 80% when the baby arrives. Seriously.

I never cried as much as I did when I had mine.
Also I has massive rows with my DH - no one’s fault, just tiredness, pain and no unbroken sleep.

Sleep deprivation is a torture unlike any other!

I have a 2 year old and compared to this, newborn is a doddle! Very tiring but less tantrums.

I love toddlers too. The new born stage is mainly a massive shock to the system (Well was for me)

It's not all that bad but the early days/weeks can be very difficult and is a huge shock to the system especially the sleep deprivation. The toddler years were much worse in my opinion.

No I loved it. Wait until they become toddlers. That's the hard part. Give me a newborn every time

I kind of loved it. I spent hours watching my baby on my boob or watching Netflix while my baby was on my boob. Walked with baby in sling; he slept while I listened to podcasts while walking. At nights he slept in a cosleeper so I just aimed the boob at him when he stirred. The first smiles are magic, there's nothing better than holding a happy smiley baby.

Mine was, though he wasn't a screamer. Dark days.

They’re all different. Give me a two year old over a newborn any day (ignores 38 wk bump AND two year old in the room...) but my children were picklish feeders, I had hideous mastitis, and I didn’t sleep more than an hour at a time for months.

Other babies aren’t going to be like that //stares meaningfully at bump// but the best thing about doing it not for the first time is that actually, none of it lasts that long. Even if it’s really really shit, it won’t be for ever. You will be fine.

Newborns are easy imo. Toddlers are a nightmare! But everyone is different and every baby is different. The hardest thing about having a newborn is the lack of sleep...apart from that, they are portable, don't answer back and don't wreck house!

I have such mixed feelings about DD learning to crawl and walk 😁

I have a five week old - my experience hasn't been as bad as you've described.

Yes it's hard waking every 3 hours to feed (feel like I'm on a hamster wheel sometimes) and it can be hard but it's amazing and you'll love every second.

Everyone tells you to enjoy it because it goes so fast, I never really believed them but it genuinely goes so so so fast. I look back at photos and my little girl looks like a different person!! Congratulations and good luck x

Unbroken sleep.. obviously my memory is shot.

If you get into difficulty during labour, just throw the whale song birth plan out the window and get a section.. don’t leave it hoping it will come right.
The worst thing I ever did was put off a perfectly ordinary calm cesarean and ended up with a horrific crash section a day later where we were both nearly dead.

Took me six years to recover from the pain of that one. And no I didn’t get any medals for it.

They are all different. Honestly? I wish people had been honest with me because it was absolutely hell for me.
Mine never slept. Ever. I much rather have a toddler.
But! All different and you do it and you love them and you make friends and talk about how much you need gin. Dont worry, you got this!

I loved the newborn stage - my four year old however.....

The lack of sleep is a challenge, but if you have no other children then at least for a few weeks let the housework slide, take any help offered and just snuggle up and nap during the day. I'd love to go back to that time, I got a bit bored but then I found Netflix and it was great.

I don't know why people are telling her how awful toddlers are as if that's comforting?! Hers will become a toddler too! All that seems to achieve is belittingly those who struggle with a newborn...

I have an 11 week old. Bits of it have been really hard (mostly the sleep deprivation), but overall he is the single best, most amazing thing I've ever done. But I actually think in some ways going into it with low expectations is good - I did (like you I felt bombarded with messages that it would be awful!) and have been genuinely surprised by how much joy there has been in the last three months of my life. No one really tells you about the good bits because it sounds so smug - some people say it's easy, other people say it's awful, but no one says 'sometimes you sit and stare at their amazing, perfect face' because it makes you sound like a twat.

I found it very very hard, but also very rewarding and quite fun. It's really intense, and you are learning so much in such a short space of time, and you can't really control any of it, just respond to stuff that happens and keep on learning and responding better. The things it feels most like from non-maternal life are my university finals in a subject that I loved, a particularly tough hiking experience, and going to school and making new friends in a country where I didn't speak much of the language. It varies a lot from person to person. Tough doesn't mean bad, though.

The descriptions that I've found best describe how it was for me are in the books What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen and H is for Hawk by Helen MacDonald (although that one is actually a description of rearing a hawk, I found it captured the intensity of caring for a newborn better than anything I'd ever read about motherhood).

Found newborn stage easier than the toddler stage! You will be fine. Ignore what everyone says. It's too late anyway 😂

I loved it. All they want are cuddles, milk, sleep and a clean bum. It was all about getting to know each other and cuddling all the time. I loved it!

The hardest thing for me was having to accept that I can rarely put mine down for a nap. I also struggled with cluster feeding and was pretty traumatized because she was ill at birth and I really struggled to breastfeed.

I personally also really hated having to ask for help, such as relying on my DH to fetch me food and drink, do laundry for me etc, I guess that depends on your personality.

I don't miss being able to go out at night because I can be pretty insular and giving up work didn't bother me because I wasn't getting much satisfaction out of it.

Everyone's experience is unique.

I didn’t find it anywhere near as bad as I was expecting or had heard, but I function fairly well on disturbed/minimal sleep and had a straightforward (if quite long) birth so no complications to recovery.

My son was a terrible sleeper at the start, awake every 20 minutes through the night at some points and he had bad wind problems, but no reflux. So not super easy, but equally nothing hugely challenging. We did have a rocky and painful start to breastfeeding, but we got there and I had a friend who’d had similar so at least had been prepared for that being a possibility.

Genuinely, I look back on the newborn days as a kind of blissful haze. It was hard work and we had some tough times, but I loved it.

My top tips, your mileage may vary:

Go on maternity leave early if you can, get everything sorted so there’s no stress and get some rest.

Pinterest is brilliant for advice. I used it like an arsenal for problem solving- try anything that you like the sound of, ignore the rest and move onto the next suggestion if it doesn’t work.

Get out! I had an activity Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings and went even if we’d had a bad night etc. It made me feel so much better.

Everybody says to leave the housework, but doing it right from the start kept me happier. Obviously, it’s not and shouldn’t be a priority but it actually helped me feel normal, capable and more in control. I swear I’m usually the least domestic goddess ever.

If you feel rubbish about your body, treat yourself to clothes even if they won’t last you long, even on a budget. I was shocked at how bad I felt post baby, resisted for ages and was much happier when I finally gave in.

Good luck! Mine’s 15 months now and I’m 14 weeks with the second. Must remember my own advice...