Is the newborn phase really that bad?!

[RoyalGalas]

Hello everyone

Not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is ok!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster so far, especially to start with. Happily, I'm starting to settle in and enjoy it all now.

The problem is, everywhere I turn there are articles, threads, colleagues, my dentist (!), describing the experience of having a newborn baby (or just having children in general) as some endless nightmare. I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on.

It can't be that bad, surely? The horror stories have got to me so much that in my tired and hormonal moments (so basically every evening from 9pm onwards), I start feeling like our baby is a time bomb, which then makes me feel guilty, and the cycle continues. Honestly, at times I feel completely terrified.

So this is a desperate plea for some nice, positive stories of your experiences with your new babies. I know it's going to be really hard, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I need some reassurance!

Thanks in advance, from this scared newbie

Depends what baby you get.

This, in a nutshell. I found it very hard - not the brand-new newborn stage, as adrenaline seemed to carry me through for a couple of months, but I had a non-sleeper and it really was pretty bad. But a wise friend told me when I was pregnant 'everything's a phase' and she's right...some phases are longer/worse than others though! I prefer it now he's a real little person, albeit one who Knows His Own Mind!

I agree with PPs that it is easier to handle if you start with very, very low expectations.
Over the past 10 years, I have seen most of my friends enter into new-parenthood. I have also read a lot of MN posts of the 'I just had a baby. Everything's shit, what the fuck have I done?' variety. So I think I entered into it with fairly realistic expectations.

I was looking forward to having my baby but didn't entertain any of the 'sunshine and rainbows crap' about becoming a mother. I have found that I have accepted the hard parts a lot more quickly and painlessly than some of my peers who were expecting it to be the happiest time of their life. Quite a few have been said they feel confused, guilty and disappointed when it turns out motherhood is pretty much 95% slog.

I am 4 months in and to be honest, for me a lot of the time it's been more like having an extremely demanding pet rather than an overwhelming, all encompassing maternal love experience.

But when those smiles hit at around 6 weeks oh boy is it worth it (for those few seconds at least ) and I am loving seeing my little one develop new skills each day.
Even though it's hard work and often not very much fun, I'm excited for the future with him in my life.

I thought it was hard at the time, but now I have a 3 year old and it is much harder!

With this baby, I'm definitely going to make the most of having a newborn and being able to spend my days doing not a lot other than feeding and changing nappies. Yes, there are hard days and nights, and it all depends on how well your baby sleeps but after the first 2 weeks, we had a semblance of a routine (a very loose one) and I was able to go about most daily activities with relative ease.

I have one child with another on the way. Honestly, people like winding you up when you're pregnant. "OMG you think you feel like shit now, wait til XYZ happens!". Just ignore it. The first few weeks will be a period of adjustment -- some babies need more adjustments than others. Don't worry, just go with it, and definitely don't let other people's comments worry you like this.

I was lucky and got two very good babies.
There will be times when I think what have I done?! but they are rare. I do remember one of the first nights home he just would not settle and I was absolutely shattered but it was only at the start and he’s been sleeping through for a while. He’s 4 months now and is so cute, his little giggle is adorable. Currently has a cold and projectile vomited all over daddy’s shoulder and the floor last night which wasn’t great and it’s things like that that can be a little scary but he was smiling right away after then went back to growling and trying to eat the towel he was wrapped in.

I just put him down to go the toilet, he sometimes whinges but he’s fine. If I go to the toilet with my 3 year old I get a thumbs up and well done for going on the toilet! Enjoy your baby, I agree with the pp’s about toddlers being a bigger challenge. My daughter is a pain in the bum but also funny and I wouldn’t change anything.

I think some people just get a kick out of telling you what terrible time you’ll have, no idea why. Good Luck with everything

I found my newborns joyous. Three has been the most hideous so far, and early puberty. Enjoy your newborn, it's really the easiest bit.

Enjoy your newborn, it's really the easiest bit.

Do you honestly think that's helpful? I've had a tough day with my baby today and hearing that this is the best it'll ever be and that it's really easy (so why am I struggling - I guess I must be really weak) is really hard - so will it be for OP when she's having a tough day (which she will, sometimes). It's exactly this sort of 'it's the best bit' that leaves a lot of mothers devastated when it turns out that looking after a tiny baby isn't non-stop joy.

Enjoy your newborn, it's really the easiest bit

For you, maybe. As LisaSimpsonsbff says, do you think that’s helpful to people who have struggled or will struggle with a newborn?
I’ve found ages 2, 3 and 4 a doddle. I found having a newborn really bloody hard. I wouldn’t presume that everyone has the same experiences as me.

Newborn might be the easiest stage for Ixnay, but definitely not for me. Hang in there Lisa.

Again, I do think it must be a personality thing too - all the very active and high-achieving women I know have told me, without exception, that they didn't like the tiny baby bit and found it much easier once they interact with you more. Spending all day sitting on the sofa with a newborn who doesn't do anything is only bliss if you're the sort of person who would normally choose to do nothing if you could. I spend a lot of time with my one year old nephew and I'm in no doubt that he's a lot harder work than my 11 week old, but he's also so much more interesting and rewarding.

Thanks, countess - as I said, I've had quite a few people admit to me that they also found this stage either hard or just a bit boring, so I'm not too worried! Overall I'd still say I'm pretty happy - I do love DS so, so much - but I've been so much happier in the last few weeks as he's started doing a bit more (he found his hands yesterday!) and I spend less time stuck in the house on the sofa, so hearing that that early bit is universally the best is a bit upsetting and alarming!

I bloody hated being stuck on the sofa under a breast feeding baby! I don’t really watch TV and struggled holding a book and turning the pages one handed. It was dull dull dull.

I loved the newborn stage if you are able to just embrace it, lots of snuggles and netflix, walks with the pram etc. I think motherhood in general is hard though and most of the hard newborn stage is because of that change and adjusting to the new life, particularly with the first when you've been used to the freedom. All babies are different though and some sleep/feed like a dream!

I think it depends on the baby, like everyone else has said. My baby is 14 weeks and tbh I was expecting the worst so when she slept through the night from like weeks 8 til week 12 it was amazing and we were all doing so well. Now she wakes more than as a newborn - anywhere from every 30 mins to 2 hourly on a night for her dummy, and only has a few 30-45 min naps in a day, and whinges and cries most of the rest of the time. She can full-throttle scream her head off for up to an hour at a time sometimes for no discernible reason. Now that she's not sleeping at night it is really, really hard. I don't have any friends with kids, I'm stuck at home on my own most of the time listening to her cry and whinge and then I cry too. I think if you have a baby like mine then your experience is going to be miles different from say my auntie, when my cousin rarely cried, didn't BF so no problems there, and slept from 5-5 every night without waking from being around 10 weeks old . I can't wait for my baby to be a bit bigger as I'm hoping she will be happier when she can entertain herself a bit and do more.

I do love her though. She can laugh now which is just the cutest thing!

I love the newborn phase. I think it helps that I have zero expectation on myself - if the house gets messy or I don't manage to get anything done all day because we are having a bad day well that's ok and there's always tomorrow. Same with sleep - any sleep is a bonus! So my baby waking twice a night feels absolutely fine where my friend is wishing for her baby to sleep through and twice a night is bothering her.

I also have a toddler and I would definitely say newborn (especially when you don't have a toddler too) was easier for me. I spent a lot of time on the sofa feeding and cuddling with my first; my second it feels more frantic as I'm trying to juggle a three year old who needs meals, stimulating, help with the toilet etc.

You'll find a way, honest x

You see I much preferred having a toddler and a newborn (20 month gap) as it meant we had to get out of the house every day regardless (or DD1 would have gone stir crazy) and I wasn’t just stuck to the sofa.

I'm with you, SoyDora. I'd rather have my second again even with having to chase the toddler around than go through the newborn period with my first - #2 slept a bit better, we had a routine that was good for my mental health, and I just got used to trekking baby round with us in the Caboo/learning to feed one-handed whole sorting toddler out.

Plus, I actually understood babies :) so we didn't have the weeks of mutual anguish before we figured out why my first was so unhappy all the time (overtiredness and overstimulation - nobody ever told me that you might have to actively manage a baby's sleep).

Well I’ve got 3 dc, with the oldest being 3 years old.

I sleep, all 3 of mine were fantastic sleepers
I have sex
I go out child free
I certainly wee on my own
My relationship got stronger not weaker

I’m sure some babies are hard work but none of mine have been and if your relationship is strong & happy now having a baby will strengthen that not break it. Basically it all depends what kind of baby you get my love!

For me it was the breastfeeding that was the biggest issue. It was just so relentless, I got no respite, had to do all the night shifts. He was a big comfort feeder.

That combined with him refusing to be put down until he could sit up. Car journey's were a nightmare, he'd scream until he stopped breathing. The moses basket, playmat, bouncer seat and pram went completely unused as he would scream the instant I put him in them (and I mean scream, not whimper and eventually settle). As long as he was being held he was a very happy and contented baby, rarely cried and slept a lot. But holding a baby for 20 hours a day gets very tiring very quickly.

For me it was hell. Way worse than I could ever have imagined. But I had PND, so. And anyway, it's okay - I didn't have a child to have a baby, I had one to have a family, so making it through the newborn stage was all I needed to do. She's 7 months now and it's not hell any more. Still tough but worth it.

Oh and the really good thing about babies is that nothing lasts forever. My daughter just went through a fortnight long phase of insisting on having her bedtime bottle while lying in her cot. It was screwing my back bending over to her and then she pulled herself to standing so we had to move it down. I said to my husband "I've no idea how I'm going to give her her bottle in her cot now" and that same night for the first time in two weeks she took her bottle normally in my arms. Things have a way of working themselves out, you just have to hang in there until it does.

@LisaSimpsonsbff The newborn stage is bloody horrible. Relentless and boring and anxious. I found it especially hard because I'd miscarried and struggled to conceive (and I know you had your own issues there too) - I'd longed for this baby SO MUCH and yet I wasn't happy every single moment, in fact I was miserable a lot of the time, what an awful person I must be etc etc. And I'm quite a contented homebody so watching Netflix all day would be lovely. My baby never let me do that though. She wanted walked around whilst being carried. Not the sling - not the buggy - carried. All. Day. Long. I shudder when I think of those early days! She's 7 months now and a million times more fun AND much more independent and able to entertain herself while I get on and do other things. I'm beginning to feel like a person again. Hang on in there. You're doing a great job and it's all worth it in the end.

@LisaSimpsonsbff
"all the very active and high-achieving women I know have told me, without exception, that they didn't like the tiny baby bit*
You say that it's harsh for people to say they enjoyed the newborn bit most but happy to say this? If it helps, I am an exception. Normally I work full time and have 4 DCs, so having time with no computer and just childcare to think about is surprisingly blissful (and the sleep is still better than trying to work around the DCs).

Op, newborn time can be fab or not, depending a lot on your baby, your expectations (lower is generally better!), your support network, and some totally unpredictable outside factors like the weather - outside is always better than in, in my experience. Like a lot of things in life, some people are very lucky, some are very unlucky, but most of us muddle around in the middle somewhere, and you will get what you choose to make of it. It can be a lovely time - and if it isn't, at least in hindsight you'll see it as a very short one! Congratulations and good luck

It 100% depends on the baby.

My friend doesn’t understand how people can have messy houses, unwashed hair, be in a rush getting somewhere with a newborn because in her experience “newborns just get fed, changed then sleep while you get on with stuff”

I have three and none of mine have been that easy as newborns but they have been varying degrees of hard. I’m hoping no4 is going to be one of those really placid ones that’s happy to just watch the world go by.

It’s the lack of sleep that’s the killer I think. Especially as your sleep is entirely dictated by someone else.

It depends on you and your baby. I found the first months really, really hard, and in those first weeks wondered what the hell we had done. I struggled with the reality of sleep deprivation and breastfeeding.

Now, DD is nearly 17 months and it is so much better. Hard work in a different way, but I find it far more enjoyable.

I found that after the first couple of months, things started to get better and better every week. Now I love it!