Is the newborn phase really that bad?!

[RoyalGalas]

Hello everyone

Not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is ok!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster so far, especially to start with. Happily, I'm starting to settle in and enjoy it all now.

The problem is, everywhere I turn there are articles, threads, colleagues, my dentist (!), describing the experience of having a newborn baby (or just having children in general) as some endless nightmare. I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on.

It can't be that bad, surely? The horror stories have got to me so much that in my tired and hormonal moments (so basically every evening from 9pm onwards), I start feeling like our baby is a time bomb, which then makes me feel guilty, and the cycle continues. Honestly, at times I feel completely terrified.

So this is a desperate plea for some nice, positive stories of your experiences with your new babies. I know it's going to be really hard, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I need some reassurance!

Thanks in advance, from this scared newbie

DP took paternity leave, he walked around with baby when she cried during the night and took over all cooking and housework whilst I got over the birth and got to grips with breastfeeding.

I was absolutely fine and actually enjoyed the first year with baby very much. DP also ensured there was food in the house for me to heat and eat whenever I wanted too. As we got into a routine I gradually took over the housework and cooking really had fun.

In contrast with abusvie ex I was a mess, expected to sort out the house the baby and ensure he had hot meals including hot fresh lunches he’d take to work. I still wish horrible for him for making my life so hellish when I was at my most vulnerable.

Newborns can be a piece of piss and just sleep all the time. They can always be hugely difficult, particularly if it's your first and you don't have a clue what to do. However, you will have a baby you love more than you ever thought possible. Every day is a challenge with your children, but each phase passes and there'll always be something new to love/worry about. Just try and get some good support network in for the hard days and enjoy the good

Newborns - super easy! Eat and sleep. Mostly sleep. Mine slept so much I was furiously and repeatedly googling how much is normal. Then eat, sleep again. Sleep anywhere - put them in the sling and just go about your daily business. We went to restaurants and everywhere, DC1 happily snoozing.
My newborns were so easy my house was sparkling clean, all closets organised - I simply didn't have anything to do with my time.

Toddlers, however..

No newborn is the easiest stage, eat shit sleep repeat. Im hoping my second is the same haha!! X

Loved it! You can put baby down, nip for a wee, come back, and baby is still there! It's when the little buggers can move 😅

Not read all the replies BUT some babies are dead easy and you'll think you've got a winner and some are absolute nightmare at sleeping and cry all the time and if you get one of them it's all too easy for a new mum to feel like a failure when that is absolutely not true. All these people telling you how hard it is are half bragging how tough they are to get through such an awful time and half letting you know it's ok and normal to be so exhausted you open the front door with a boob hanging out and struggle to find a moment for a sleep never mind a shower.

I've had both kinds of babies and I had no idea what people were on about, make up always done, home made dinner and clean house from day one then the second came and oh my god I didn't know how tired a person could be before dying. You just need to be prepared for everything.

It would be pretty terrible if you had only heard the good stories and then had a tricky one first time

It's so lovely though having a little baby and it can be slightly addictive, those cuddles

I totally agree with MissV, I breastfed exclusively for first few months, had baby in baby sleeping bag and he slept in cosleeper and I changed him on disposable changing mat. I didnt get up at night and that really helped with tiredness. Also when I did eventually change to formula I used to make up the bottles from a flask of hot water and top up with cooled boiled water. Brought everything to the bedroom the night before and still didnt get up during the night. It was fine and I slept during the day while he slept if I needed.

I'm not going to give you a lovely nice story because that wouldn't be fair either. Or a horror story. But I'll give you honesty.

No you won't have sex for a while, we're talking weeks/months. Not forever. It will get better and probably be fine and your sex life will be as amazing as ever.

You won't sleep for a while. The first 12 weeks are HELL sleep wise. Mostly because as much as you love your baby when pregnant you don't know them yet and it takes time when they arrive getting to know them, what they like or don't like. It takes time to follow their lead and build routine. Things improve after that. They will drop a night feed at a time until you have enough sleep to get by.

My eldest is 5, I still can't pee alone, ever. Ever

They don't scream constantly. Not usually unless they have colic or reflux.

They sleep a lot of the time at first. Not at night but in the day. So try and sleep when they do.

Yes all that stuff might sound like a nightmare but it's such a short space of time, it's over in a matter of weeks/months. Enjoy it. Enjoy the nice walks out with the pram and the lazy afternoons in coffee shops, and the catching up with friends and family, the delight in watching them grow. It's not going to be what your life was before but it's still likely to be one of the most gorgeous times in your life.

I so second what others said as well. The newborn stage is the least scary. They don't answer back then 😂

I ended up with one of those babies who would scream whenever put down for the first 3 months which was hard. It got slightly better when she started smiling at me, before that I thought she hated me, and then it got easier when she could do short periods in a bouncy seat.

This

I was so fixated on being pregnant and giving birth that I didn’t really think much about what would happen after giving birth and what having a baby would entail!

So it did end up being a shock, even though people told me it would be. I didn’t really comprehend it.

But in just one day with a newborn you can go through so many different emotions and you are going to have some beautiful moments even if it’s tough.

Your life is about to be changed, not all newborns are the same, but they all change change their parents lives forever.

Until you're it child arrives you don't know how it will impact, so you may as may as well as be as zen as possible about it.

I wish you all the best.

If someone had told me the newborn stage was the easiest when I had a newborn I would have killed myself. Genuinely. I wish people had told me beforehand how fucking awful it can be as then I would have known it was normal and lots of people felt that way and I would get through it too. I don't think we do anyone any favours by pretending it's all sleepy cuddles and walks and Netflix binges.

to you peachgreen and thank you for the nice post to me upthread - I read another thread where you were talking about your PND recently and you are so brave and so strong to have got through what you did.

Also waves to @peachgreen!! I’m with you on “if someone had told me that this was the easiest it was ever going to be I’d have killed myself”. Ok so I didn’t/don’t have PND like you, but if I’d been told in the early days when I was exhausted/sore/hormonal in equal measure that this was as good as it was ever getting I think I’d have ended up with it. I wish there was a word to describe how hard it is- hard doesn’t seem enough. It needs more letters and be vastly more complicated to spell and say. It might then go some way to conveying it.

I know not all babies are difficult- I actually think mine (inability to sleep on a night aside) is one of the easier ones- but I don’t think there’s a baby alive who hasn’t made their parents go “oh ffs what have we done?!” at some point or another. The thing that I struggled with the most was, like @lisasimpsonsbff says, the having to be pinned under a baby on the sofa feeding for hours a day. We live on a farm, I was used to being outside and doing all my usual jobs, but my baby was born in mid Feb when it was absolutely bloody freezing and I couldn’t have sat outside and fed her even if I’d wanted to. Even with all the clothes in the world (which, incidentally, would have made breastfeeding even harder) one or other of us would have ended up cold. So we sat on the sofa for WEEKS and I had to learn to get over the fact that a tiny baby and four foot snow drifts probably didn’t mix so someone else was doing my work. It very nearly sent me batty- especially like a PP says when you would get them to sleep and then start tidying or doing the washing and they would ALWAYS wake up before you were done. I spent a lot of time doing the same load of washing again and again because it had been in the machine two days after it had finished for the last week.

I can’t say I enjoyed the newborn stage, but now she’s 8 months (almost) I do wish she was still that tiny baby who would fall asleep as soon as you put her on your chest. Still makes me want to throw her out the window some days though (I am joking by the way!). One tip I do have is to work out what one thing sets your teeth on edge the most- for me it is an untidy kitchen. It doesn’t have to be sparkling or eat-your-dinner-off-the-floor clean, but if there was washing up piled up, the dishwasher needed emptying and random crap all over the table then it really made my state of mind better. I realised this at 4am when the baby wouldn’t sleep and I started “rage tidying”. By 5 the world was no longer an awful place and the bin was empty! Once I worked that out I knew what steps I (or someone else if they’re being helpful) needed to take to reduce my “wtf have we done?!” feelings.

Wasnt* not was. Random crap on the table is NOT a good thing! Clearly having a baby has addled my brain (if I even had one....)

I found that the people with the most severe horror stories go on to have more children.

I wonder if the logic is that if my first was horrendous chances are the next one will be easier

@NoParticularPattern @LisaSimpsonsbff I remember you both from the TTC after miscarriage threads. Difficulty conceiving / previous loss is a big trigger for PND and certainly was for me - I felt so guilty for not being happy! I think if I'd known how horrendous a lot of people find the newborn stage (and you're right, Pattern, "hard" isn't a big enough word!) I would have felt so much better.

Not RTFT but it's not that bad - yes babies often cry but not constantly and you become tuned InTo what they want usually. Sleeping can be an issue but it gets better and you learn to snooze when you can often when your baby is sleeping - don't feel you have to be super mum just get through it all

What people forget to tell you is that you completely fall In love with your new baby, you'll throw yourself in front of a train foe them and stab anyone who dares consider any harm - I remember having very violent dreams about people trying to to get near to or hurt my baby, even before they were
born - don't worry just enjoy your life changing for ever in a wonderful way

I struggled through the newborn stage but it's also lovely at the same time. Your experience will be your own and you just go with it. Don't worry before it's happened. I much prefer toddler stage whereas so many people don't, I still have a night wakes and we get a few meltdowns but my gosh I'm so full of love for her! 9 months is a brilliant age, that was one the best times of my life 😍

I went out every day to help me cope with the newborn stage and the lack of sleep, it really helped. I never had those 'at home all day' days with a newborn after my DH went back to work, that would have driven me crazy! You'll be fine and you'll find your own way with it all.

Just don't expect to get a full nights sleep for a long time. You might be lucky in which case great! But I think the majority of babies wake throughout the night for many months. My one year old has slept through three times now in his life!