Is the newborn phase really that bad?!

[RoyalGalas]

Hello everyone

Not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is ok!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster so far, especially to start with. Happily, I'm starting to settle in and enjoy it all now.

The problem is, everywhere I turn there are articles, threads, colleagues, my dentist (!), describing the experience of having a newborn baby (or just having children in general) as some endless nightmare. I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on.

It can't be that bad, surely? The horror stories have got to me so much that in my tired and hormonal moments (so basically every evening from 9pm onwards), I start feeling like our baby is a time bomb, which then makes me feel guilty, and the cycle continues. Honestly, at times I feel completely terrified.

So this is a desperate plea for some nice, positive stories of your experiences with your new babies. I know it's going to be really hard, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I need some reassurance!

Thanks in advance, from this scared newbie

PS - I always pee alone, I now get more sleep than before DD was born and my relationship with DH is wonderful - how he supported me during labour and the difficult weeks after was overwhelming, and I feel like we are a brilliant little team.

I think it’s hard to “get” how hard it is until you live it. I too “knew” that I wouldn’t get much sleep, that I’d be tired and sore and hormonal but it wasn’t until I actually lived through it that I understood just how bloody hard it is. I had a relatively straightforward birth (after the induction situation) and was home quickly. DD took to breastfeeding quite well and although she lost quite a lot of weight she hasn’t had any real problems. I still found it hard. I still DO find it hard some days. Lack of sleep and trying to master new skills don’t reallt go hand in hand with recovering from childbirth/major abdominal surgery, add hormones into the mix and it really is a terrible combination. The good news is though that you soon forget those really early days.

You will manage to shower/sleep/have sex etc etc again but I think until you’ve been there it’s really hard to understand

Depends on how lucky you are! Boils down to that. I was very lucky and loved the newborn stage - especially with my first. I had nothing else to do all day but cuddle and feed my baby who was healthy and happy. I was lucky enough that he took to breastfeeding easily and so tiredness wasn't too much of an issue because I would just pull him into bed and he would feed happily there. Best time of my life tbh! BUT... I have very good friends who had a difficult time. Nothing they could have done differently just bloody luck.

I just reread the OP and am sorry that your plea for positive stories had turned into all of us saying how hard it is. Pretty much the opposite of what you asked for!

Please don't be terrified. I think I was scared too for the same reasons as you. But, for most people it really is not anything to be scared of and, even during the hard bits, there are sublime, magical moments that you will remember for the rest of your life.

My favourite newborn bits were feeling the warmth and weight of him in my arms and the way he clung to my shoulder and snuggled his head into my neck like a tiny little monkey after a feed. The way he just felt 'right' in my arms.

On a wider scale, even when it's tough, there is can also be an underlying pleasure and satisfaction in knowing you're doing a good job keeping him fed and safe and clean and loved. Also the feeling that you are stronger and more resilient than you ever thought possible (cluster feeding especially taught me this).

What would be brilliant, and really useful for other anxious, expectant Mums reading this thread in the future, is if you could come back and add your own thoughts after you have had your baby and emerged from the newborn stage. Was it as scary as you worried about? What bits were best/worst for you?

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly (I, weirdly, loved the last trimester, had loads of energy and felt on top of the world!). Here's wishing you all the best with your own newborn when he/she arrives

Actually I’d like to change my earlier post. It’s not 100% the baby, a bit of it is you as well.

For me I hate not feeling on top of things so really struggled with the house being a mess, or getting the baby to sleep and deciding to get the hoover out only for the baby to wake up part way through the first room. As much as I wanted to just enjoy sitting and feeding and cuddling, I always felt like I should be doing other stuff.

Whilst I can ignore a toddler whinging and crying I find it really hard to let my newborns cry, so either didn’t do stuff if I put them down and they cried or did it getting really stressed listening to them. Other people seem to cope better with letting them cry while they shower or load the dishwasher or whatever, I found it really stressful.

So a lot of it is how content the baby is and how happy they are to be put down, the rest of it is how well you cope if you end up with the type of baby that doesn’t like to be put down or is generally unsettled!

even during the hard bits, there are sublime, magical moments that you will remember for the rest of your life.

Sorry. Nope. Not the case for me, and I'm sure not the case for everyone either. The truth is I found DS1's early babyhood so difficult that I remember very little of it and what I do remember is by no means positive.

I don't know what the answer is wrt to what to say to expectant mums, except for people to share their own truth as honestly as they care to, and what helped them.

I have an 8 week old and I can remember crying myself to sleep in pregnancy because I was dreading having a newborn thanks to all the horror stories I had been told.

Guess what, she is a bloody dream of a baby, I expected the worst and got a better newborn experience than I could ever have imagined.

I run my own business and had no idea how I would cope juggling baby plus business, its been fine, my husband works away, I have a business to run, I have a dog to walk and a newborn to take care of. I manage to eat 3 meals a day, drink hot drinks, take showers, wear makeup and even get out the house to see friends and go to yoga.

I'm sure a lot of it depends on the baby you get but I do think preparation is key, read a lot about newborns (baby whisperer is my bible), buy the baby stuff which will truly make your life easier (sleepyhead, ollie the owl, a dummy, ergobaby carrier). I surprised myself and have been an incredibly chilled out parent, I thought I would be a constant worrier but weirdly I'm so relaxed and I just take each day as it comes.

Wishing you all the best!

Honestly, it's different for everyone, depending on your personality, your baby's personality and your personal circumstances.

For me, it was like a holiday. I slept far better than in pregnancy, I had a pretty content newborn and it was an absolute joy. Im not joking when I say I enjoyed it all. Best time of my life.

Early toddler hood (as far as I've got) is also a joy, but a different kind. It's a lot busier, but I find it about 80% fun and 20% work.

It's like anything else I'm life - some people will enjoy any job more than others some people will enjoy bits others hate, some will find it comes easily, others not quite as much. Parenthood is no different really.

I'd expect it to have its tricky bits but keep an open mind that it may be very different from you expect - for the better or worse.

"Again, I do think it must be a personality thing too - all the very active and high-achieving women I know have told me, without exception, that they didn't like the tiny baby bit and found it much easier once they interact with you more. "

That I disagree with. I've got a very demanding career, and would fall into the 'high achiever' bracket (though writing that makes me shudder). Maybe I would have been bored sat at home, but I went out a lot with a newborn. I'm not sure I ever spent a day watching Netflix, as I was always catching up with friends, going on trips, walks, sightseeing etc, just with a baby strapped to my front. I spent lots of time catching up with friends I hadn't seen in ages and good quality time with my husband. Hence it really did feel like a holiday. Also after using my brain a lot, having a 'brain holiday' was surprisingly relaxing, as it was the first time in my adult life I could just relax and do what I wanted without work getting in the way.

CountessVonBoobs you and me both. It's actually quite painful and sad for me to try and remember. I feel awful for that.

I loved the first few months. DS was a decent sleeper (he still woke a couple of times a night to feed, but he went back off to sleep pretty easily). I am great at power naps so wasn’t too tired. And he was lovely and cute and portable. I could still do pretty much everything I did pre-baby (trips away, meals out, long walks with him in the sling). I thought I had totally cracked it at four months!

He’s still lovely and cute as a toddler, and I love watching him develop (toddler jokes are adorable). But we can’t really take him out for meals like we used to (won’t stay still), and he won’t put up with being strapped into a pushchair all day either so our trips out have to be toddler-friendly. He’s also on the go non-stop, and wants me to join in with all of his games so it’s hard to get anything done. He’s much more tiring now than he was as a baby.

Thanks everyone again for your responses - I really do appreciate hearing your experiences. Obviously I can see that some of you have really struggled, for others it's been easier. What I've really realised though is firstly that you all absolutely adore your babies - even those who've had a terrible time - and, crucially, that you've all got through it. Hell, loads of you have done it more than once - it can't be that bad! I'm still amazed by being pregnant, and I can't wait to meet this little person.

I'm a naturally anxious person, and I tend to expect the worst outcome from almost any situation, so I suppose my terror about having a newborn isn't entirely unexpected! I'm a bit of an introvert and a total homebody - the baby is due in February and in many ways, I'm looking forward to hibernating and getting to know our baby and settle in as a family of three. On the other hand, I also need to be outdoors and get fresh air and have adult conversation. I hope I'll be able to find a rhythm eventually, but I'm going to try to just stay as open minded as possible. I'm lucky to have an amazing partner and an incredibly supportive family nearby, so in that respect I'm sure I'll get the help I need. I know how fortunate I am to have that.

I am particularly nervous (sometimes bordering on obsessive) about the sleep side of things, especially as I want to BF. I've never functioned very well with little sleep (please keep fingers crossed that baby takes after me and can sleep for England!) and my mood and mental health can really take a nose dive when I'm sleep deprived. I guess there's nothing I can do about that now though, and I'll try to remind myself that worrying about it isn't going to provide any solutions! I'm going to try to learn how to sleep during the day (something I've always struggled with), invest in some blackout blinds, and I know my partner will split the load overnight where he can, and we have family close by.

I'm just going to try to make sure I'm feeling calm, that we have everything practical that we need, and that I don't put too many expectations on myself. The rest, I guess, is down to luck!

Thanks again everyone for sharing your experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly. Mums really are magic. I'll definitely come back to this thread in Feb and let you know how we're getting on.

Even if you are an introvert, you need people around when you are on maternity leave. I am an introvert but I lost the ability to just be happy alone with my own thoughts - because you aren't alone and you can't necessarily engage with your own thoughts. Being around other mothers really helped lighten things up for me - this is uncharacteristic. In other contexts I have never been the sort of person to think "I need people - any people". usually I want soulmates or no one. So think about making some local mother friends if you don't have a network of people who will be around in the day already.

Both things are true: it can be very very uniquely difficult; and you will be completely fine anyway.

Things that jumped out at me about you that are true for me: need sleep; a bit of an over-thinker; an introvert. These things are all reasons for you to get your partner tuned in to the idea that you are doing something REALLY REALLY HARD. I am saying that not to scare you - you will be fine; but you need to make sure he knows you are well out of your comfort zone in a way that he will never be carrying on doing his job and coming home in the evenings. All normal conventions are off in terms of how you normally recipriocally look after each other. he needs to look after you like a warrior in a constant war zone. No bellyaching about anything from him. If he's miffed that his life is 35% less comfortable than it was before and trying to claw that comfort back at your expense, you need to absolutely read him the riot act. Because you've basically moved to Vietnam. I'll give you my number. Tell him to call me :)

Just don't panic that one night represents what they'll all be like from then on. One bad night doesn't mean that's it and your baby will never sleep again. So try to relax and actually go to sleep whenever you get a chance.

If it helps @RoyalGalas, I have exclusively BF both my babies and I think it's helped with the lack of sleep rather than contributed. My husband wouldn't have been able to help overnight anyway as he works a high stress job and needs to be well rested. BF has meant I don't get out of bed at all - we have a red lamp in the bedroom so I can see, baby is in a cosleeper and I literally sit up, feed her, change her bum if needed (on a mat, on the bed, still with the duvet wrapped round me ha) and put her back down. Did the same with my son. Didn't have to get up and make feeds, would go to bed at 10pm and stay in bed until 9am most mornings with my son, harder now because of the toddler but I still go to bed 10pm and get up at 6.30am with maybe two night feeds? I know that's not everyone's life, I know some struggle with BF but wanted to give you a positive version of things!

I actually find the toddler part far easier than the newborn stage. I expected to be a really natural mum but I felt absolutely clueless with a newborn for the first few days. I was scared to pick him up, to feed him, to change a nappy - I remember thinking that the midwives must've thought I was useless! And then he developed colic a few days after we were home and that lasted a few weeks, he used to scream the house down every night from 8pm to 11pm before being able to sleep, I didn't handle that well at all and just felt like the least competent parent and that all other mums must be so much more natural and patient than me! At about 6 weeks it got SO much better for me and I can say I've found it fairly easy since! Some settle in better than others, it's a BIG adjustment! Good luck x

@YeahCorvid - that made me get a bit emotional (it's been a very, very long week!) and laugh all at once. You're right though, I do need to have that conversation with him, and I will. Thank you.

@MissV - so nice to hear a good story about breastfeeding. A lot of what I've read so far have ended up in me concluding that it's either BF or sleep/mental health. Not the greatest decision to be faced with! It's a relief to hear that it doesn't have to be like that, so I'll keep my fingers crossed we have a similar experience.

Oh yes, bf-ing can be completely fine. as an overthinker it gave me a real break from thinking: if you're prone to agonising about variables it's something you don't need to think about (right brand? right amount? right temperature? etc - none of this applies)

all the very active and high-achieving women I know have told me, without exception, that they didn't like the tiny baby bit

I did! I liked the enforced holiday - there was no question of “just writing up one more paper”, my time was entirely mine for an entire year! Complete bliss.

DS loved the sling though, so I went out walking most days. I do like walking by myself, it gives me time to think. And we live somewhere where there is lots to do/lots of places to visit that I had never had time to do pre-baby (I spent ages in the British Museum, visited St Paul’s, did the Capital Ring walk, loads of stuff while he was small enough to just sit happily in the sling looking at things).

I was lucky to have a very placid cheerful baby who would do that for the first six months. He wouldn’t do it now! I agree I would have gone stir crazy if I had been stuck on the sofa all day. I also went back to work 3 days a week at a year so there was always an end in sight. If I thought I had 18 more years to go, my outlook would have been pretty different.

To be fair to Lisasimpsonsbff, she did not say that this was characteristic of the women in this category that she knew and had spoken to, not all active & high achieving women generally - and I'd put myself in that category and my experience matches. We're all different and we get different babies.

Bf-wise, I think I probably got more sleep by doing it in the early months. I coslept and barely even had to open my eyes to feed. If anything, the fact that breastfeeding went well helped me deal with the fact that I was struggling in other areas.

She DID say, rather.

And yes breastfeeding is hard to get the hang of initially, but by 6-10weeks the baby knows what to do and once they have some head control they do the work for you (DS climbs up on me and tries to get into my bra, which is actually pretty annoying, but when I think back to my anxieties about his latch in the beginning it is crazy how quickly things change!)

It’s far quicker than sorting out a bottle, far cheaper, much less stuff to carry (you can go out for the whole day with just a couple of nappies and a packet of wet wipes).

And I am the kind of disorganised mother who has left the house without nappies or some other vital thing so many times. I can’t exactly forget my breasts, so DS has never risked going hungry.

I think it depends on two things, what your baby is like, and what your expectations are like. Oh and a third, what your OH is like........

My oh was useless. My baby wanted to be permanently, so I felt like I say down feeding him for about 12 weeks. But my expectations were that my life was going to change and I'd have a baby to prioritise. Once I got over feeling like I was doing nothing , when in fact I was looking after a tiny baby, it was fine.

Countess I know, I wasn’t criticising her post! Just explaining why I actually did like that stage.

I think it depends a lot on the baby you get. DS had one night after his 8 week imms where he just would. not. stop. screaming, and after just one night of that I have endless sympathy for anyone whose baby has colic. It was horrific, anyone would get PND after a couple of weeks of that. And as I said, if I’d been stuck indoors with DS I wouldn’t have enjoyed that much either.

Maybe I would have been bored sat at home, but I went out a lot with a newborn. I'm not sure I ever spent a day watching Netflix, as I was always catching up with friends, going on trips, walks, sightseeing etc, just with a baby strapped to my front.

But that's partially luck in itself - after my stitches came out early and got infected, my GP told me it was because I'd been doing too much physically and I had to sit down every time my stitches hurt - which meant I couldn't walk further than the corner shop for the first few weeks. Since I've been able to get out and about it's been so much better - I went on a two hour walk with DS in the sling after posting earlier and we were both so much happier for it. I didn't even have a particularly bad birth injury, 'just' a pretty average second degree tear, though obviously I was unlucky it got infected. So, like just about everything else, whether or not you can start doing long walks a few days after birth is very luck of the draw!

My comment was a little bit bitchy, and I am sorry for that, now that DS is content again and I feel less frazzled! I don't actually think there's anything wrong with being someone who loves spending a day (or a week, or a month) on the sofa watching TV. I do think it makes things like cluster feeding easier if you have a high tolerance for doing nothing (or, to put it more positively, if you're good at entertaining yourself).