Is the newborn phase really that bad?!

[RoyalGalas]

Hello everyone

Not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is ok!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster so far, especially to start with. Happily, I'm starting to settle in and enjoy it all now.

The problem is, everywhere I turn there are articles, threads, colleagues, my dentist (!), describing the experience of having a newborn baby (or just having children in general) as some endless nightmare. I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on.

It can't be that bad, surely? The horror stories have got to me so much that in my tired and hormonal moments (so basically every evening from 9pm onwards), I start feeling like our baby is a time bomb, which then makes me feel guilty, and the cycle continues. Honestly, at times I feel completely terrified.

So this is a desperate plea for some nice, positive stories of your experiences with your new babies. I know it's going to be really hard, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I need some reassurance!

Thanks in advance, from this scared newbie

Try to take it in your stride i.e. don't have rules that your baby must sleep though by x weeks etc. Have a nap when you can. Chocolate is allowed. Baths are essential.

It is a BIG adjustment, but it doesn't have to be a negative adjustment. I found I struggled most when I made too many demands of myself. Don't expect a 'routine' early, and if you are BF, expect to feed A LOT in the first 2 weeks, then a little less after, with growth spurts. Go find some books that you really want to read and read while feeding. Or lots of box sets. Or learn to BF in bed on your side and you can have a nap. You are supposed to take it easy in the early days, so do. God knows there will be enough demands on you soon enough.

But newborns are yummy. I didn't ever mind the early days with any of mine. (Hated being pg though, that was some kind of bizarre purgatory).

Enjoy and congratulations

I loved the newborn stage! Felt amazing, I never got that pregnancy glow everyone talks about but once I'd given birth everyone said I was glowing. Found him easy and such a joy. He's 11 months old now and I had my first ever bad night with him a couple of days ago, and I am tired. Am beginning to understand what all this tiredness talk is now.

I would never normally tell an expectant mother but you asked. So, yes it is a shock to the system. Nothing can ever prepare you for it.

BUT it can also be an amazing experience. I wouldn't give DS back! I love him more every day. I have cried with happiness when he giggled and smiled at me

The fact that you are worrying about this and asking tells me that you have the good sense to realise that it won't be easy. If you expect the worse, you mightn't find it so bad after all.

DS is only six months and I am enjoying him so much at the minute. I was at a baby/toddler group today and I can't say I'm looking forward to him crawling and walking lol

All babies are different and all parents are different. My experience is that people often talk about the worst bits of everything - it's like it shows they're in the club or something.

Personally, my first slept like a dream and my second didn't. My second nearly broke me. Feeding was a struggle both times.

Try to take people's negativity with a pinch of salt.

The first couple of weeks for myself both times was do what's needed to survive. Once id got more mobile after birth and more confident with a tiny baby it was so much easier. I didn't have nightmare kids either time and the second had reflux. Every child is different.

You'll be fine but it is really tough and challenging. Looking back with a toddler, I'd rather take the newborn!

Basically, it's the reality that makes it so hard I think. You can read as much as you like and feel as prepared as you like but nothing prepares you when that baby is here. Also, you have your hormones to deal with which are not to be underestimated! Your life completely changes from day 1 and it's a shock, it's difficult. Also if you have any issues like colic, reflux or allergies to deal with that's another obstacle to overcome. A crying baby, YOUR crying baby is one of the worst sounds. Not just because it's frustrating (although let's be honest, it is, when you're tired and have tried everything to no avail) but you also feel guilt along with it.

You'll be absolutely fine and get through it but I actually always said I wish someone had told me how hard it could be as I was naively expecting sunshine, rainbows and Disney films and had a massive shock when DS arrived

Good luck x

They’re all different and experiences of labour and recovery are different, so it is hard to predict.

Best thing to do is get as ready as possible on the basis that you’ll need time to recover/cluster feed etc. So batch cook and freeze stuff, declutter, get the baby’s room set up, make sure your partner (if there is one) knows they need to step up and look after you and baby for a while. If it turns out to be easy then preparing won’t have done any harm, and if it’s hard then having some meals ready etc will make it more manageable.

When I was pregnant with dc1 everyone liked to tell me horror stories like you've been told, op. I could never figure out why people did it. Eg 'oh you're pregnant wow congratulations, mind you, you're never going to get a minuets peace again and forget about sleeping, haha, aw but congratulations again.'
People are strange, smile and just say thank you.
You will still sleep, you will eat, you'll be fine.
Congratulations on the pregnancy!

Depends on the baby. DS is 3.5 months and is relatively easy and I do it 100% solo because DH left when I was pregnant. I don’t find it exhausting (95% of the time) or very stressful. He has his fussy periods and last night he decided sleep was for the weak but we’re sort of breezing through this at the moment if I’m being honest.

I found the newborn days lovely but I did have a sleeper! He literally woke (or was woken) to have his nappy changed and be fed for the first 10ish weeks. I literally snuggled him all day! Ds is 12 months now and I haven't found any stage particularly bad yet but I do have a very supportive partner who massively does his fair share. And those newborn snuggles are just the absolute best!

I think many people remember the worse bits of newborn days more vividly than the good bits. They come later. That may be why you are reading a lot of negativity about parenthood. Having a newborn is hard work but so rewarding and very very short lived.

My experience with my DD1 was textbook and she slept and fed like an angel. As a teenager she was a nightmare with hormones, moods etc. My DD2 was a difficult baby but very easy going as she got older. My 2 DGDs are both completely different too. You just don't know until your baby arrives but you will cope and the good bits will outweigh the bad. Have just watched a video of my 5 month old DGD2 chuckling and it just melts my heart.

@RoyalGalas

"I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on."

That's pretty accurate from my experience and that of many of the Mums around me.

The best advice I can give is whatever relationship issues you and your partner have, no matter how small, work them out NOW. You will not have time with a newborn and sleep deprivation isn't good for relationships or health in general, all those little issues you've both pushed to the side will explode out like candy out of a pinata.

Strengthen your relationship now while you're pregnant and discuss your parenting styles if you haven't already and how you will handle things when you both have different ideas on tackling the same baby related issue.

Oh also do pelvic floor exercises if you're not already and try not to gain too much weight cuz it can be a PITA finding the time to exercise once baby is here and you may find yourself early on just grabbing whatever is quick and easy but not necessarily healthy to eat.

I also think which bits you like depends on what sort of person you are. Lots of people love the lounging on the sofa with a newborn bit - I hated it, made me feel imprisoned, and I actually got an infection in my stitches from trying to do too much physically too soon (so don't do that!). I was so much happier once I was pain-free (took about six weeks) and could go for long walks with the pram, etc and now make sure I'm out of the house for a minimum of two hours daily. I'm also much happier now feeds only take about 10 or 15 mins, not up to an hour. I'm just not a 'sit around watching Netflix' person, so I didn't find that relaxing or fun, I found it boring.

It's hard. But from 5ish months onwards it gets less hard and they get more and more hilarious which makes the hard times easier. It's hard, but worth it! Cliche for a reason!

The real truth is that it depends on so many factors.

Birth can be straightforward or a drawn-out, complicated, traumatic ordeal.

Babies can be placid and sleepy or high-needs and demanding. (And sometimes they spend up to 4 months not sleeping more than 45 minutes at a time and screaming almost constantly.)

Mothers can be prepared, unprepared, relaxed, unrelaxed. Coping well or struggling terribly. Every combination of circumstances is unique.

My truth is that I found adapting to being a mother very hard. Birth went great but my baby was clingy, didn't sleep easily and I was utterly crushed by the relentless nature of caring for him, the sleep deprivation, and the knowledge that the buck stopped with me. As an EBF mother there was literally no one else who could tell me what to do or take over for me, and that was so frightening and overwhelming. I got through it and fell in love with my baby and went on to have another, and because I know what to expect I've found my second about 100 times easier, psychologically. I finally understand why people enjoy babies. But I would be lying if I didn't say that many people, probably most, find it a hard adjustment, unless they have a very chilled baby who sleeps through from a few weeks.

The big secret about motherhood is that we all get through it and cope because there's no other option. You will too.

I hated being pregnant and having my baby was the most amazing relief! She rarely cried but didn’t sleep. Here’s the thing it will be hard, in ways you can’t really imagine until you’re a Mum, so it’s not worth worrying yourself silly now. You’re life will change, but some of those changes will be brilliant. You will totally fall in love with your baby, maybe not straight away but over the first few months. It is like when you fall in love romantically, you will be giddy with it, and that will get you through when you’re dog tired and the baby wakes you for the third time that night.
The other thing to remember is that everything is temporary, sleepless nights, nappies, pooing pants on the school run AGAIN, tantrums, strops, holding your hand, falling asleep on your chest, giggling at you playing peekaboo. It’ll be mostly fine, some days will be awful, some will be amazing.
You’re life will be tougher but much richer (in experience, obviously not cash).
All the best x

Obviously my command of English has nose dived. Still blaming baby brain 10 years on.

If you have a high needs baby it’s hard
If you have a relatively easy baby and you are a flexible easy going person it’s fine.
If you are a control freak it’s hard whatever your baby is like.

I loved the newborn phase, have never been so much in love. But however you find it, things change quite quickly even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time. So even if 6 weeks in it feels hard, no sex, no sleep etc that will feel a bit different again a couple of months later often.

I have twins. There have been some really tricky bits and I found the sleep deprivation hard when they were newborns. They’re nearly three now and every phase has presented some challenges, but equally I have found something to love at every age. I have often wished that they wouldn’t get older because the stage they are at is so great, and then the next one comes along and it’s great as well. I do have the benefit of a wonderful, supportive husband who absolutely pulls his weight, which I’m sure makes it easier, but in my experience it wasn’t as bad as everyone suggested. And expecting twins, I heard a lot of horror stories! We’re about to do it all again with number three, so it can’t be that bad.

It’s not that bad. I found it a bit boring to be honest. I fed ds, he went to sleep. I changed his nappy, he went back to sleep. All he did was sleep.
I redecorated the house

I had pretty easy babies (didn’t sleep much but didn’t cry/scream) and am a flexible, easy going person but I still found it hard. As CountessVonBoobs says, it was the fact that the buck stopped with me. I couldn’t just disappear for a day or 2 to recharge (EBF). My time wasn’t my own. It was so bloody relentless.

Also if you have an unsupportive partner or mental health difficulties it’s hard

I had this my baby was easy she slept 10-6 at 4 weeks old I suspect when the time comes baby no 2 will be horrific!

Mine are teens now.

The newborn stage is wonderful.

My advice is to follow your baby’s lead for the first six weeks at least. Buy some nice comfy lounge wear. Aim to shower daily, brush your teeth. Do your shopping on the internet. Buy a sling.

It’s a massive change. Take it easy, be kind to yourself.

It was hard (I had four very close together, and the first on my own). But it was also wonderful.

The main things are: Feed and gaze, feed and gaze. Repeat.