Is the newborn phase really that bad?!

[RoyalGalas]

Hello everyone

Not sure where to post this, but hopefully this is ok!

I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster so far, especially to start with. Happily, I'm starting to settle in and enjoy it all now.

The problem is, everywhere I turn there are articles, threads, colleagues, my dentist (!), describing the experience of having a newborn baby (or just having children in general) as some endless nightmare. I'm told that baby will scream constantly, they'll never sleep, I'll never sleep, my relationship will be ruined, I'll never have sex again, I'll never pee alone again - the list goes on and on.

It can't be that bad, surely? The horror stories have got to me so much that in my tired and hormonal moments (so basically every evening from 9pm onwards), I start feeling like our baby is a time bomb, which then makes me feel guilty, and the cycle continues. Honestly, at times I feel completely terrified.

So this is a desperate plea for some nice, positive stories of your experiences with your new babies. I know it's going to be really hard, I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I need some reassurance!

Thanks in advance, from this scared newbie

I found this whole 'just you wait' attitude really unhelpful when pregnant especially as I was already terrified that I wouldn't enjoy motherhood. Bottom line is, it's not a doddle but then no big changes are in life are they? First day at school, first day at new job, falling in love, being heartbroken. Life is about change and having a baby is one of the biggest but we all adapt (and if that change is too hard then seek help ASAP). You will love some newborn bits and hate some, you will love some toddler bits and hate some. You will love some teenager bits and hate some. But you will always think your life is so much better after they get here

It took me a couple of weeks to get used to lack of sleep and how to get out of the house whilst remembering everything baby needs but otherwise, newborn phase is really easy. Toddlers on the other hand... lol no I'm only kidding I love having my daughter and I'm expecting my second now so it can't be all that bad or I wouldn't be crazy enough to do it again. Trust me the good times outweigh any bad

I found this whole 'just you wait' attitude really unhelpful when pregnant

It's hard. I think a lot of people genuinely do want to try and prepare new mothers. I certainly do, but I've given up trying (apart from this thread, apparently ) because I don't think anything anyone can say can really prepare you, you have to live through it to get it.

Although I did smile wryly when I saw someone post on here a while ago "people ask if it's your first because they're trying to decide how sorry to feel for you".

Look, having a baby is a bit like setting a bomb off in the middle of your life. Massive upheavals happen and we parents deal with it with our dark humour.

Yes, it's a sleep deprived chaotic time but it doesn't last forever. It settles, you adapt, you grow together.

And you do it all for love. Pure, unconditional love that you've never felt before.

This time next year you'll be muttering dark humour with the rest of us!

Good luck!

I thought it was, until I'm now doing the toddler stage whilst 31 weeks pregnant. For us, the toddler stage is definitely harder. But everything is just a stage/phase that will pass.

I was terrified after reading all the awful stuff and dare I say it at some points in my preganancy I wondered if I'd made the right choice. It's absolutely the hardest thing I've ever done in the world but it is also the best. Some days I lay in bed and think what a lovely day I've had and go to sleep feeling all smug and other days, like last night, I go to bed at 8.00 with a big glass of wine and a family size bar of galaxy. Everything is just a phase, days pass really quickly and before you know it you're onto the next phase.

Before having my first I had no experience caring for babies or little children, but when I got pregnant, I picked up a couple of babycare books and we got by. When I say, no experience, honestly neither of us had even changed a nappy before and had to be shown how to bathe our baby. There's nearly always someone to ask if you worry about something. We were lucky in that our firstborn was healthy and pretty straightforward to settle.

Took a photo of our bedroom a week after baby came home, my DH is usually such a neat freak, we totally had to let things go and prioritise better.

And I PROMISE you no one is getting it right. No one knows what they are doing. Do NOT look around and think they are all doing ok and you are not.

It’s hard, it’s boring and can be lonely. But you won’t remember a time when you didn’t have your child. Take what help you can.

If it was awful we wouldn’t do it more than once.

Na, newborns are the easy part.

My eldest was a dream, followed routine beautifully and has always slept 12 hours - I could reason with her.

My youngest, has never ever slept more than 2 hours in a row. He will never be put down, he laughs in the face of routine. He has pretty much been attached to my nipple for the 9 months he’s lived.

The peeing thing however, is absolutely true. Just yesterday I had to jump up mid-shit as the baby was crawling towards the hoover and was above to pull it onto him (saw him via the open door of course, never have a closed door in this house) , at the same time the eldest opened the front door ready to bolt. Don’t even know if I remembered to wipe - too tired to Care.

You’ll be fine op, it all turns into one big blur of exhaustion, guilt, losing yourself but overall happiness and love.

I have a 6 and a half week old daughter. She did nothing but eat and sleep for the first 4 weeks, she's more awake now but doesn't cry endlessly and is honestly a little angel. I've never felt I can't go somewhere with her, we go to the pub as and when we please and just take her with us, I travel to London to see friends (i used to live there, is now a 40min train ride away) by myself, we went to a yoga class this morning... etc etc.
She is only awake for 10-20 mins every 3-4 hours at night to feed and will go back to sleep as many times as I like! (Sometimes I get up and she lies in even longer - I'm talking up to about 11.30am!
I know we're lucky and not all babies are this way, I also know it won't always be this way - buuuut there is hope and it's possible I promise so don't worry!!

They are truly all different so it’s the pick of the draw in all honesty. If they never grew up into raucous toddlers, grumpy children and even grumpier teenagers, I’d have ten of my first DC . He was a wonderful baby and I was oh so smug until DC2 came along... She was the example of the baby that stops you peeing or showering alone.

It all depends but one thing is certain, you’ll survive .

It's a complete roll of the dice. Luck. Or bad luck.

Our first was hard work
Didn't sleep, breastfed constantly, colic, clingy, didn't nap (and so was super grumpy a lot of the time)

Our second was a piece of cake.
He sleeps fairly well (1-2 feeds per night), never cries, will happily lie on playmate or bouncer for 30+ mins, naps like a dream, super smiley.

Just go with the flow and don't have any expectations and you will be fine

My dd was a nightmare baby (milk allergy and silent reflux) so was awake screaming a lot. BUT it's not stopped me wanting another and I still loved her being a tiny baby. She's 2 now and just awesome.

I had many friends who admitted to having dream babies who slept well and were rarely grumpy. Plenty of babies are 'good' and sleep well etc.

Yes you'll be knackered and snappy at times, but you'll also be filled with love and joy. If parenting was so shit why do so many families have more than one child?!

My DD was super easy for the first 5 months, latched on immediately, breast fed like a star, rarely screamed, just cried longer enough to alert me to her being hungry and then resettled, 3-4 hour afternoon nap from about 5 weeks.

Had a more difficult period from 5 to 7 month, in hindsight I think it had a lot to do with dropping from 3 naps to 2, now settled back down again, and regularly complimented on what a smiley, happy baby she is.

My eldest was/ still is the best sleeper. He is calm none fussy and very happy boy. My parenting had nothing to do with this I feel. He was born with his own routine and if I watched the clock and prepare everything, he would not cry at all. I actually got bored watching him as he loved his sleep and would only stay awake for a little while and keep himself entertained. He loved other people including strangers. My youngest is a complete diffrent story, involving reflux and losing a lot of hair because of the stress or sleep deprivation on my side. But he loved watching the washing machine more than the tv. He still loves it as a two year old. Children are weird and easily amused. Imagine laughing at washing machine for doing its job. I miss that predictable laughter as he no longer laughs when it spins.

I loved the newborn stage - much less stressful than toddlers!

I had dream newborns / babies.

Both slept through by 6 weeks and previous to that were firmly in the 4 / 8 / 12 routine so fed once then would go straight back down.........sadly theyre only babies for a very short time. Toddler / teen stages have been another matter entirely !!!

Entirely depends on the child.

DS1, hungry all the time, fairly miffed about that, didn't sleep well, but was walking early (which is good. It's good when you can put them down)! And once he hit his toddler hood he was super simple to look after and feed, obedient, friendly, kind - just easy to deal with.

DS2 was easy as anything - ate, slept, watched the world go by, weaned himself at night by 5 months, and onto real food by 8 or 9 - barely noticed I had a second one in fact! Never tantrummed as a toddler but much fussier eater, and is much more stubborn than his brother.

They're people, with their own personalities, and it's just luck of the draw (combined with working with their strengths, and being consistent)

Completely depends on the baby. I'm on my 4th newborn right now, and generally like the newborn bit - but if they were all like #2 I'd be a hollow eyed shell of a woman 😊 However my trickiest newborn was my easiest toddler... They all have their moments.
The newborn stage is much much better if you get enough sleep. Yes, this is easier said than done if you get a restless baby, but if you can prioritise going to bed at 7 and letting your DH take charge after the baby is well fed, or having an afternoon nap, it is SO worth it. And definitely get a sling. When the baby is sleeping, either sleep or do something fun or urgent - I've always done my tidying and most cooking with the newborn in a sling, watching and listening to you is plenty of stimulation for them.at that age.

DD was an awful baby. Not her fault - she had CMPA and the doctors wouldn't help us until she was about 4 months. By that point she'd got into a terrible sleep pattern and it took months to sort. Much happier in general afterwards. She was an angelic toddler for the most part though. And now at 4 she's mainly well behaved, with just a bit of an attitude!

DS is nearly 12 weeks and has been fine so far, but no CMPA this time. He sleeps fairly well, which is honestly all that matters. It could all change suddenly, though! And I'm expecting a more "normal" toddler as he's already desperate to get moving, whereas DD was extremely lazy, and therefore quite trustworthy. So we're probably in for a shock this time!

You'll be fine OP.

With hindsight, it's kind of the easiest bit. However you paint it, it's not pretty. But it's the shock and the sleep deprivation, unfortunately it's unavoidable. You'll get through it fine though, you have to!

I can remember going into the bank one day looking like death and the woman said 'don't worry, it all changes at 3 months' ... she was right as well.

Just remember you're not alone. Get out and about and talk to people, it tends to feel a bit isolating x

My DS is 19mo now. It was, and still is hard work, but it does change and will every time they go through a nightmare phase, just remember that’s its only for now and will end!

Ahh you're all great! Despite the lack of sugar coating here (which, to be fair, I didn't want either!) for the first time I feel like, actually, we will be fine. It's nice to be reminded that this won't be just any baby, it'll be MY baby, and that's what makes it all worthwhile (sounds so glaringly obvious, but I keep forgetting this part).

I'm so glad I wrote this post, and really grateful for all your honest responses. For the first time, I feel pretty empowered. Thanks everyone for reminding me that I will adore this baby, that I am stronger than I think, and that we're going to be just fine. In the meantime, I'll prepare for a reflux-y screamer while keeping fingers and toes crossed for a cheerful little sleeper!

Gosh, mothers are superhuman!

I'm desperately trying to get my 17 month old to sleep and I can tell you, newborns in comparison to toddlers are a doddle.
They sleep most of the time. They don't have tantrums. All they want is feeding, to be clean, warm and loved. You will be fine op!

Honestly new born was easier than 6-12mths. Then the sleep deprivation really ramped up. Dd slept more as a newborn than at 8 mths! I was on my knees.