Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

Maybe he's coming round to the idea OP?

Stand your ground tonight. DO NOT let him talk you into an abortion that you clearly don't want and DO NOT let him fib you off with 'one day maybe'.
Take control of this situation. The situation that he paid a huge part in.

*fob

Your partner had unprotected sex with a fertile woman, despite not wanting any more children, and has now not turned up to an appointment to arrange a vasectomy, again knowing he doesn't want any more children. Unless he has now changed his mind? If he has that's a quick about face from just a couple of days ago.

Honestly, it sounds like he simply wants you to 'deal with it' so to speak. You're the one who needs to arrange contraception, you're the one who needs to go through the trauma of a clearly unwanted abortion even though he willingly had sex with you knowing you could get pregnant. Basically, everything is your responsibility and he should just be able to get his rocks off without worrying about the consequences.

He sounds incredibly irresponsible and immature, and he's 34! You've both acted irresponsibly but he sounds vile.

Oh, OP. You need to take control of your life. Have the abortion, sort out contraception, leave this awful waste of space and get on with your life without him. He is 10 years older than you-but he's behaving like a teenage brat.

O I strongly advise you to get some proper pregnancy counselling before you do anything. It is such a huge huge decision, and you have described feeling all over the place.
You can not do anything until your mind is crystal clear, your decision is made carefully and with time to be sure.

Rushing such a significant decision may lead to such difficult and challenging ramifications.

Have you some friends in RL you can talk to? Ones this can keep quiet and won’t talk? Have someone to comfort you and give you some support. I understand why you wouldn’t want to talk to your family.

I hope it is going okay with oh. Don’t be pushed into agreeing anything

Truth be told, I'm not sure if I'm relieved or annoyed that he didn't go.
Part of me is thinking 'okay, perhaps he's warming to this pregnancy or the idea of a pregnancy happening further down the line' and the other is thinking 'why is it okay for me to have an abortion but he won't have a vasectomy when he's the one that doesn't want any more children'

Obviously I'm hoping he's just come round to the idea.
I've just finished getting our youngest one down and he's in getting the eldest to sleep now. So, not long til I find out what he has to say for himself!

Thinking about it I bet the fucker is going to tell you to have an abortion now and he will have another dc when it's convenient for him. Don't fall for that.

Do NOT have an abortion because he wants you to have one. It's clear you don't want one and having one at the behest of a partner is bound to lead to resentment and may ultimately lead to you two separating anyway.

I'm as pro choice as they come, but that's the operative word. Choice. He doesn't seem to be giving you one.

Yes I can definitely see that he may well go down the route of not wanting a baby right now but later on, but he won’t have the vasctomy.

That’s great, the only problem is that you are pregant now and will have to go through a termination when you really don’t want to, and live with that decision. Why the hell isnt he considering the impact this is likely to have on you and your marriage?

Totally agree with @huha

First off do not have an abortion for any other reason that you know that you - YOU - know it’s the right thing.

The reasons you give are mostly DH based. If it were about disrupting your children’s lives etc i would understand your position a lot more but I think you’d do whatever it took to please him.

Your relationship sounds very worrying; he seems to be a gaslighting dickhead but you also appear to be wilfully trying to drive the bus through a wall - you knew that by doing what you did pregnancy was a real likliehood. Yes we have all had unprotected sex when we shouldn’t but not with a man who’s thrown vasectomy chat around in the past, not with a man who seems like an overgrown teen himself.

Respectfully you both sound really emotionally immature and I’d wager it’s this flawed dynamic that bursts the relationship rather than the strain of a third baby itself.

Only you know in your heart what you should do - NONE of us know you. But on the basis of what you have said the pair of you need to wise the fuck up and bang your heads together for the sake of your children; present and future.

So, an hour after the DC's were put to bed, OH still hadn't brought up why he didn't go to the doctors, so it was on me to instigate the chat which I knew would be the case, but annoyed me nonetheless.

He essentially said he wants 'to leave the door open'. I told him I need a definitive answer as to whether or not he actually wants another child in our future, as I'm not being strung along hoping for a third baby that might never happen. He said he doesn't know.
I ended up going off on one saying that it was unfair on me to have to contemplate the idea of an abortion, then be told that someone who was completely against having more kids now doesn't want a vasectomy, but can't tell me if he definitely wants a third. He said he couldn't see how he was being unfair

He has a few small debts to be paid off which will be cleared within the next couple of months, then I've told him he needs to use the money that was being used towards the debts, to go toward him paying to see a therapist. Both myself and my stepmother (who has a 20 year old son with autism), suspect he might be on the spectrum, and he even said to me of his own accord last year that he thinks he might be too.
He also displays narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies and I just feel like for both his and my sake (and our children tbh) he needs to be assessed to see if/what the diagnosis is.

I'm fed up of going through things and having no support or being shown no sympathy. If there's a genuine problem with him, we'll be able to learn to adjust/cope with things in a different manner. But if he keeps refusing to seek professional advice/help, then I'm just going to keep thinking he's nothing more than an uncaring arsehole.

Sorry that that went off on a tangent ladies!

Putting everything else aside; everything that you've said suggests that he will not support you through an abortion. Whether that's because he can't or because he doesn't want to, only he knows.

So do you have a realistic plan for that; or will you be raising two children while coping with the after effects of an abortion that you didn't want?

Honestly I think that vasectomies and adult autism diagnoses are red herrings here. They may be issues to be dealt with in the future, but they are distracting you both from the issue at hand. The person who needs to speak honestly to a counsellor OP is you, while you - not your dp - figure out how you truly feel about this pregnancy. Don’t rush this decision. You’ve changed your mind once on this thread. If you give yourself time and decide in a week that you want to terminate, then you still have time; but if you change your mind after doing it then you can’t go back.
And please don’t think me harsh, I can just hear the confusion in your posts, and want to reach out, and genuinely hope you can get some real life support.

Totally agree with @ColdTattyWaitingForSummer and also....for God's sake stop blaming his behaviour on autism. Even if he's on the spectrum it doesn't explain nor excuse his behaviour here.

He also displays narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies

The more you tell us about your partner the worse he sounds.

'Stop blaming his behaviour on autism'

Well it may not excuse his behaviour but it certainly could help explain some of it. Apparent inability to empathise and understand how OP sees the situation. He expects her to see things from his point of view but doesn't seem able to see hers. Emotionally immature. Logical rather than sensitive to the emotional fall out.

Ticks a few boxes for me.
I'm not saying he can help it but it could be something to bear in mind.

I find it difficult to believe he cannot empathize given some of the earlier info OP gave on this thread. Of course I cannot say for sure as I clearly don't know him in RL.

I don’t know him in real life either. But I know men like him. He is 10 years older than the OP. He is an arsehole.

Op. Get out. You have loads of life in front of you. Don’t let him destroy it. You didn’t have the chance to grow up at the proper time - but you still have time.

Why not admit that it's going to be a shock and a lot to take on and instead of approaching it with doom and gloom, just make him a prepare yourself hamper.

Put in lots of coffee and chocolate as he's going to need the help to keep going. Put in some new shirts as the spitting up & drooling phase is going to continue on for awhile longer and he will need clean shirts to deal with it. Put in some coupons for your allowed to escape the madness with no guilt events. 4 hours to go out to the pub with mates for a Saturday night between the new babies age of 6 months to 1 year of age :) A coupon for an child free shower & shave with a time limit of 15 minutes. A coupon for yourself where has he has to watch at least 2 of the kids while you go out shopping as a reward for going on the pill immediately after 3rd baby is born.

Congrats!

I just wanted to add that congrats if you decide to go with your heart. I truly believe if you give in to his shock and reasons instead of what you want, your marriage will be over anyway.

You need to stop focusing on making him happy and give yourself time to focus on what you want. You should always consider what he wants but ultimately, if you are forced to have an abortion will you spend the rest of your marriage blaming him?

Forever people have have had children when it's not the perfect time and managed. You have found ways to solve the issues of housing and money already so it really comes down to your husband basically stomping his feet as he's not prepared for all of this.

If you decide to keep your baby, it's up to him if he wants to accept and embrace it or he wants to walk away. Same for you, your choice but can you live with knowing that a baby you clearly want is being taken away from you because your husband says no?

Don't have an abortion because he wants you to. You don't want one and it's your body.

Call Kiki! She’ll solve all your big, gargantuan life problems with a hamper!

I just meant that she clearly said from the beginning that no way would she terminate but now is sort of giving in.

If I made up my mind, it would be this is it, and accept that I won't be forced into something I will regret and hold against you for the rest of your life. I didn't mean this second but if she goes through with having the baby and he agrees to support the decision, down the line, stop looking at the baby as all doom and gloom.

Once you get over the shock, and if you decide that you are happy with the new life you created as you are with the other two, then embrace the chaos and plan for being tired and all the people asking if you are insane for having 3 under the age of 3.

Just from the OP first post she made it clear that her biggest fear was being forced into an abortion and if she's not willing and her husband is giving mixed messages they need to talk as adults and acknowledge how hard it will be but focus getting through the tough times together.