Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

Completely agree with the previous few posters. You've been asking if the doctor will refer you for an abortion if it's obvious you don't want one. If you don't want one don't have one! You need to take responsibility and make your own decision.

I suspect though that this is exactly what you want so you can present the doctors refusal to your partner as a fait accompli

How did your appointment go OP? X

FWIW OP I think terminating in your situation is the responsible thing to do no matter how hard. Having to move to crappy area with shit schools puts the burden on your elder two children. Like it or not your chances of SEN are higher with spacing this close together. If you're barely coping now with a history of PND how would it be for the other children to have a sibling who required lots more of your already stretched resources? You're not married. You and your current children are in a precarious position. Sorry OP. I'd terminate and look for some counselling.

I had the appointment and I'm to go back next week with a clearer mind as emotions got the better of me today.
Ultimately, I will be having the abortion as I can't see any other way. OH is still yet to show me any real support or reassurance on the matter.

So there we go. I'll be getting it finalised next week.

You are better off without your OH. I'm so sorry that he is leaving you to do this on your own. You deserve better.

Thank you @Caramelsalt
I've sent OH to the shops with our eldest DS whilst our youngest naps 1) so that I can have half an hour peace and 2) to buy me doughnuts, hotdogs and anything I can throw an abundance of melted cheese on.

Comfort eating to the max and some awful movies should help me relax a little and hopefully stop me from constantly thinking about the appt next week

OP you need to just do what’s right for you , but please in the future it might be a good idea not to be so passive about your life and future and leave it in someone else’s hands , allowing yourself to get pregnant and ending up having to abort and relying completely financially on a man puts you at the mercy of others . Protect yourself and the children you have just now in the future .

Why on earth are you going to go through with it if it isn't what you want??? Id rather be on my own than abort a baby I wanted to keep. Your going to have an abortion and your relationship is going to break down anyway????

My third DC was unplanned but I was on the pill and never forgot to take it. I think our eldest was 20 months and youngest 6 months so pretty much the same as your DC. The major differences were I was married to their Dad and I was also working towards a degree/I worked part time. I then completed said degree and went on to gain a career. Our marriage ended 3.5 years ago and my DC are now 6, 7 and 8. When we split, I kept the house and everything in it as it was all in my name so my DC had that stability.

Despite this, it has been hard. Obviously financially I took a hit going down to one income but at least I worked, you would massively take a hit suddenly finding yourself on benefits. My XH barely sees the DC (his choice) and he pays bare minimum maintenance, it really is pittance. This is despite being a great dad when we were together... it soon changed once we split. So I have taken on the lions share of parenting since we split and it has been really, really tough and that was without having a newborn on my own! Looking back, as much as I adore DC3, it was the straw that broke the camels back. We were also very young like you and we struggled to make our marriage work with the pressure of three small children and work commitments. I would never go back and make a different decision because she is great but has it made life that bit harder having three vs two? Yes, definitely.

Things you have to consider are: is the house in your name and could you stay there if you split?
Could you survive on benefits?
Could you cope being a single mum of three under three?
Do you have family/friend support to get you through?
Are you prepared to lose your relationship?

The thing is, whichever way you go there will be some form of resentment from one of you. If you abort, you will become depressed and resent him for ‘making’ you do that. If you keep the baby, will he even stay with you? Who knows but he will resent you for ‘making’ him have a child he didn’t want.

Could enter into tit for tat about him wanting a vasectomy but do you have the money for one? The NHS are very, very reluctant to give them to a man of any age but one of his age, I doubt it would happen. And yes, he should have used condoms but there’s zero point arguing over it now the deed is done... I don’t think anyone can win here unless one of you manages to wrap their head around the other ones thinking and come to terms with it.

Horrible situation OP, I wish you all the best.

Thank you for your perspective @Mousefunky Much like what happened with you, I do wonder if a third would eventually take its toll on us. I read somewhere ages ago that a lot of couples split in the first year of having their first baby together. I didn't believe the statistic until three women on my Facebook got pregnant, then around a year/Just after year later, their relationships ended and that's with only one baby, let alone three.

I know I wouldn't cope with three on my own, so I'm starting to see that it wouldn't be fair on anyone involved to continue with this pregnancy. Yes, my mental health will be put at risk, but that's a risk I've got to take.

As far the housing situation goes, we currently rent and both our names are on the tenancy agreement.
I cracked today and told my step mum about the situation after I'd been in the doctors. She essentially echoed what everyone on here has said - that it's my choice and I need to think long and hard about it.
OH also has an appointment booked on Monday to get the vasectomy process rolling. He doesn't want anymore children and I guess I can't force them upon someone who doesn't want them

Try to come to a decision together but please make sure it's what you feel is best. Take care OP xxx

Bloody hell! Anyone would think that all the posters on here are personally responsible for the outcome of this pregnancy. “Soooo irresponsible”. Get a life, good sex sometimes results in irresponsible behaviour, it’s human nature. Stop giving this lady a hard time and give her good advice instead!

Do what you want op but be sure not to romanicise what will be a very difficult reality. I had an unplanned pregnancy and keeping it cost me my marriage. Do i regret it. Yes.
I love my baby who is now 2 but the reality of my life is shit. I dont regret the end of my marriage though. It showed him for what he was, but having another, alone, has broken me. I cannot get back on top. When pregnant there is always a little live for whats growing but that would be forgotten eventually. Or minimised, at least.
If you look what successful people do, they plan. They stick to 2 kids in general and keep a career. You need to make sure youre solvent and go from there. Good luck x

Love not live

I'd actually take as a good sign that your partner is taking control of his fertility and thinking of the two children he has. If it doesn't work out between you then at least he won't be having anymore and complicating the lives of your two. Kids only get more expensive and need more of your time. If you're barely coping now then adding another isn't going to improve your mental health either. It's a hard situation OP.

Slightly off topic but a few posts saying you can't get nhs vasectomies anymore... my mid 30's DH recently had one on the nhs very easily with a very short wait
But anyway OP I hope it all works out for you and your DH whatever you decide. I hope you manage to work through it together one way or another.

The NHS are very, very reluctant to give them to a man of any age but one of his age, I doubt it would happen

My mid-30s DH is having his in a month and he only asked a few weeks ago. No attempt to dissuade or prevent him at all.

I’m baffled that you’ve had two unplanned pregnancy’s that you would be so risky not to use contraception! Why would you tell him your going on the pill did he know you didn’t go on it in the end? I’m extremely fertile so I went and had the implant to make sure no accidents happened.

Sorry just read that he was aware you weren’t on the pill so he is equally responsible.

Whether you have the abortion or not (and it reads like you will seriously regret it if you do) you need to get rid of this awful, toxic man.

I hope you are feeling a small bit better today op xx

The OH is not an "awful toxic man" at all. He has said:

"I think a third baby would kill me right now."

OP convinced him not to get a vasectomy as "I wasn't done having children"

OP has said:
"I'm definitely OK with having a third child"
" I won't use birth control - I think the responsibility should be on the man anyway"
"yes, I didn't want you getting a vasectomy, but I didn't mean for you to do the deed inside as and when you please""

"I've told him of the repercussions that will follow me having a termination. I'll be beyond depressed, I'll want to get drunk a lot/go out a lot/do just about anything to take my mind off of it. I'll be a nightmare to live with."

"He knew I wanted more children but was against the idea himself, so he either should've had the vasectomy because that's what he wanted, or he should've worn condoms to prevent a pregnancy that he didn't want happening. "

"I shouldn't have to remind him before we start having sex that he doesn't want a kid so he should wear a condom."

OH has been well and truly manipulated and continues to be whilst the OP is blaming him for her mental health, PND, drinking and everything else.

What a very sad relationship.

He is an awful toxic man. He does not want a 3rd child but he ejaculated into a fertile woman. A woman who he knows does want another child, and who he knows suffered depression after a previous abortion. He is 10 years older than her-it's not as if he's a carried away teenager.

TwitterQueen1

I’m actually really saddened by your interpretation of it. That you’d make an emotionally abusive man seem like the victim. It’s mind boggling and very sad indeed.