Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

I'm starting to come round to the idea I guess because, at what point do you think purely selfishly about what you want, and at what point should you stop and consider the person you're with and the life you currently have with them.

I think you need to be thinking less about what's best for you and your idiotic partner and more about your two children and what is best for them.

If he doesn't get the snip then what happens next time?
He doesn't sound like he's too into getting snipped nor does he seem to be a fan of actual methods of contraception other than pulling out, which he appears to not be able to do well either.
Either it will lead to this happening again or you have to go on contraception you didn't want to do.
Though after an abortion, if he really wants no more kids the bare minimum he can do is have a snip

I have no doubt it was a sad experience for you, OP. But the point I'm making, in part, is that most women having an abortion aren't being dragged in, heartsick and sobbing. They're voluntarily availing themselves of medical services because they've decided, on balance, that they would rather not be pregnant right now, and although they might have some sadness or complex emotions about the decision, they feel they've made the right choice for themselves.

You've been all over the place in the course of this thread, and I'm concerned that you're constructing a narrative of helplessness for yourself, and seeing yourself as being dragged in sobbing. I don't know what is right for you, I really don't, but something seems off here.

I've been all over the place in real life too, which is why it's come across that way on here.

I'm not going to be dragged in sobbing. I'll be walking in voluntarily but still upset that this hasn't worked out, and will likely still feel sad about it for some time afterwards.
And you're right, I do feel a bit helpless, as I've outlined a few posts down, OH hasn't really supported me so far so I do feel like I'm dealing with this entirely on my own, it took two to make this baby, so it should take the two of us to deal with the repercussions.

OH is discussing a vasectomy this afternoon with our doctor. Booking a doctors appointment is more than he did last year, so clearly he wants it. If he ends up deciding that he doesn't and still won't wear condoms etc then obviously I'll have to use birth control

@TryingToThinkPositively I don't think either option is ideal for the person going through it due to the sadness and guilt but for me I didn't fully comprehend what a medically induced miscarriage would be like and I found it very difficult when things got started and ramped up. I spent the best part of that day in the bath tub with the shower on me and seeing it was alot harder than I can imagine a surgical procedure would be. I knew it was the best choice for me and my son and I don't believe I made the wrong choice but if I had any doubts whatsoever I think going through that experience would have broken me and given what you have said I really don't want you to endure that without being absolutely certain it's the best option for you emotionally.

OP I hate to say it but from what you've put it sounds like he wants more kids, just not woth you. I hope you get some answers at the appointment this afternoon. Are you going with him?

@Bobbiepin Funnily enough, I did say last week when everything blew up that I'd be devastated if I terminated this pregnancy, then we wind up breaking up, and he goes on to meet someone new and has a child with them. He said that won't happen, but then, no one would admit to wanting/thinking that might happen, would they. I don't know what his reasoning is for putting it off for so long when he's known in his heart of hearts that he wants no more kids. It just doesn't make sense and I can't seem to get a straight answer out of him.

I'm not going with him, no. He's going straight from work and I'm at home with the babies at the moment. I don't know if doctors take in to consideration how the man's wife/girlfriend feel about a vasectomy prior to agreeing to it, do they?

I agree that he is keeping his options open as he thinks in the future he might want more kids but with someone else. Otherwise if he feels as strongly as he does about not having more with you then he'd be straight to get the snip. My most recent ex refused too and on his dating profile (how we met) he'd put he might want kids. Yet told me definitely not. He was holding out for someone "better" to come along imo. Men frequently want the sex but not the responsibility of contraception or the babies that are a result of that.
This situation is very much only yours from what you've said. I too think something doesn't add up and I think you're being emotionally bullied into a termination by him. I hope the doctor you see can see that. I certainly think they'll have their doubts as to whether or not you are as happy as possible to have a termination. They might suspect coercion. I think they'd be spot on.

I just wish I could understand why he chose not to go through the motions of getting a vasectomy put in place last year 'because of me' when all the while he knew he didn't want any more children.
If I was the one that was adamant against having any more, I'd have done whatever I could to have ensured a pregnancy didn't happen. I can't wrap my head around it. Why would you take the risk of getting someone pregnant if you're done having kids!?

I realise no one other than OH can give me the true answer to that, but I can't even get a proper answer from him, so I'm left to think up my own reasons I guess!

Because he's a selfish prick is the answer OP. The sooner you see that he only cares about himself the better.

My DH went through the motions of having a Vasectomy last year. After his initial appointment with the GP, he had an appointment set up with the surgeon who would only go ahead after speaking to me to make sure I was happy. I'm not sure if this is standard practice or surgeons discretion though.

OP, please please please take time to think about the abortion. I sense from your posts that you are being forced into it and you don't want it.

I got pregnant with dc3 at the worst possible time. Like you, my DH knew I was super fertile and chose to finish inside me. We had sex one time in that whole month. DH's business was in dire condition, he was up to his eyeballs in debt, and I knew I needed a plan. I did eventually tell him and his reaction was similar to your DH's, other than he came around a little faster. He struggled though the entire pregnancy, even admitting later he had cried several times (he NEVER cries) at work. We made it work. Money is super tight. We moved (abroad) but we both cannot imagine our lives without dc3 now (he's now 3). Can you work from home to bring in extra money? Is your partners career moveable to other parts of the country? Have you spoken to your family? Please please speak to a close family member before going through with anything. A bunch of people on an Internet forum should not be advising you on what to do as we don't know you or your partner.

He isn't going to have a vasectomy.
He's going to encourage you to have an abortion, knowing he can leave you whenever he wants & have more kids with someone else. How will you feel then?

Oh bloody hell OP.
I literally want to scream at you through my phone to please, please reconsider a termination!!!

Early on in the thread you said that although it wasn't great timing, you were looking forward to being a family of 5. Now you seem almost resigned to an abortion BECAUSE YOUR PARTNER WANTS YOU TO!

The partner who didn't want any more children but still had unprotected sex with you.
The partner who hasn't supported you one iota since finding out you were pregnant
The partner that you've nearly split up with already in the past year or so
The partner who you're not convinced will support you after an abortion
The partner who you will feel utter resentment towards.
I think you should re-read your early posts and do what YOU want to do.
Having said that, I imagine it will be incredibly hard with three children so young close together but there have been posters on here who have done it and there will be thousands and thousands of others who managed.
The first years until nursery/school will be a challenge but then you'd look back and wonder why you ever questioned it.
Then just wait for the teenage years .....
My heart goes out to you, it really does. Just don't rush in and regret. Please.

At my DH's pre vasectomy appointments they just asked his circumstances and if I was happy with it etc. They never asked to speak to me. It's up to the individual to be honest I don't think they base it on the wishes of others, they could lie if they wanted to anyway.
I think some men put off having the snip because it's a big scary life decision and most men don't want to do it if it can be avoided. It's easier to bury their head in the sand, carry on getting their leg over whilst hoping nothing happens. My DH was happy to have it, it was his idea in the first place, but he did put it off for a long time, and yes he was happy to take risks (stopped by me) even though we had agreed we didn't want anymore children. I had to put my foot down in the end before we had an accident.
Men can be more blasé because it's not them that have to go through the resulting pregnancy or termination. I suspect if they did they might think twice.

I can't believe he's 34. He comes across as early twenties.

I would have the baby and let him leave tbh.

Well, I'd sent OH a message earlier this afternoon basically saying that although I can't stop him from doing something he wants to do, it's his body and his choice after all - I'm not happy about it. I told him although I love our two DC's with all my heart, i still see and want more children in our future and I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact I'd be done having kids at the age of 24.

He ended up coming home 10 minutes before his doctors appointment.. he was supposed to be going straight from work.
I asked him why he didn't go, and he's told me we'll talk about it later.

I don't know whether to prepare myself for a positive or negative chat now.

Pregnancy choices counselling services are available.

This is solely your decision, taking into account yourself, your relationship and (importantly) your DCs’ circumstances.

Your DP seems unlikely to support you emotionally whatever you decide. By far the most likely scenario is that you will break up in due course and be a single parent of two or three. Given that you’re not married and don’t WoH money and housing would likely be a problem, especially with 3DC.

Agree with PPs that you have been and still seem passive. Take some personal responsibility for your actions and upcoming choice.

Some men don't want more kids/any kids but also want the sex without a condom and / or not have to go through an operation for a multitude of reasons. It's simple really.

So he didn't even go to his appointment?!!!! No, no, no.
He's willingly having unprotected sex. He knows you'd like another child.
He's now bizarrely having a hissy fit because shock horror, you got pregnant from the unprotected sex.
He's very much 'hinting' at an abortion even though he knows it's absolutely not what you feel in your heart and now he hadn't gone through with his vasectomy appointment???!!!!!!
What a peach

But the thing is, it's always been him saying that he wants a vasectomy. If it was me constantly putting the idea forward, I could understand him being hesitant - regardless of whether or not he was done having kids.

He's told not only myself, but both his and my family that he wants a vasectomy. Why make it so abundantly clear to everyone that you want the snip, then not go through with it, year in year out.

I guess I'll find out later!

I have briefly skimmed these comments so I may be commenting on something already addressed.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I aborted a baby, especially if it wasn't my true intentions. Yes you are in a predicament but I do believe that your OH is being very selfish and should have addressed having a vasectomy way before now if he truly didn't want another baby, even more so knowing you aren't on any contraception.

Take it this way, you have 9 months to prepare for this baby.. you mentioned your youngest is 7 months so will be almost 1 and a half when baby is born. Bottles can be reused/breastfeed.. Moses basket/crib/cot are all reusable and the youngest can share rooms etc. Clothes can be washed and basic bits bought. I think men do go off on a tangent sometimes and they do believe they are thinking rationally but most of the time they are panicking and not looking at the bigger picture. For example, your mental state after the abortion, your relationship towards each other afterwards, any regrets you both may have.

I think 24 is very young to wholeheartedly say you're done having babies. I'm 22 with a 6 month old and my partner already knows I want another 2/3, he's not keen on the idea but I've been honest from the start.

Hopefully you two have a good chat and work through things (he's sees sense) ;)

Obviously where our first two are so close, we didn't need to buy anything other than a double buggy (which thankfully, my mum helped us out with) and we've only just got round to ordering a second cot for the nursery so in essence, having them so close together actually saved us money - as if we'd had a bigger gap, we likely would've sold a lot of things and would've needed to re-buy.

The main issue is we'll need to move and we can't afford a three bed property in the area we're in and OH really doesn't want to move. I can understand where's he coming from, we've only been in our current home for two years, we love it here and we're in the catchment area for some amazing schools.

Though with that being said, I'm simply not done having children at my age. I always saw myself as having three children, whether that's right now, or another 5 years down the line.

I'm hoping the chat goes well, but I'm not holding my breath as I don't want to be even more disappointed.

Sounds like he's all talk and no do. Very big of him to chicken out of the vasectomy each time yet happily tell you to go through an abortion like it's nothing.
I hope your chat is productive but this doesn't sound good from a relationship point of view.

I can't believe he didn't go!!! After all that!!!
Let us know how it all goes