Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

Have you actually read the whole thread YeTalkShite? (You certainly are.) And my previous posts? Your patronising comments are unnecessary and unwarranted. I have said that I am sympathetic to OP's situation but her refusal to take any responsibility for her part in it is extremely unhelpful to everyone concerned.

He should have taken responsibility but so should OP. She is in a crappy relationship, struggling financially and has PND. Both another baby and a termination have the potential to negatively impact her mental health and her existing kids so OP shouldn't have been so casual about creating a life either. I don't see why she is the victim and he's the awful one, they have BOTH been utterly reckless.

@TwitterQueen1 Bottom line, he knew I was fertile, he knew I wanted more children, he knew I wasn't on any birth control.
He chose to ejaculate inside me knowing full well he didn't want any more children, He's aware I've had an abortion before and the repercussions that followed it - when you look at it like that, how on earth can you say he's the one that's been manipulated?
With all due respect, you don't know enough about my life to say who's manipulating who. There isn't even any manipulation going on and frankly I don't need to defend myself or this situation to you.
Though I do stand firmly by the fact that I shouldn't have to remind him to wear a condom. He's a grown man that understands biology.

@TwitterQueen1 Bottom line, he knew I was fertile, he knew I wanted more children, he knew I wasn't on any birth control.
He chose to ejaculate inside me knowing full well he didn't want any more children, He's aware I've had an abortion before and the repercussions that followed it - when you look at it like that, how on earth can you say he's the one that's been manipulated?
With all due respect, you don't know enough about my life to say who's manipulating who. There isn't even any manipulation going on and frankly I don't need to defend myself or this situation to you.
Though I do stand firmly by the fact that I shouldn't have to remind him to wear a condom. He's a grown man that understands biology.

Also. I didn't come here to be judged or scorned. To be told I was 'reckless' or that somehow my OH is less to blame than I am.

I came here to seek out any women that may have found themselves pregnant and didn't know how to tell their partners/how it went when they did inform them/what the result was.

It's a sad world when a woman finds herself in a difficult and upsetting situation with no positive outcome regardless of which route she chooses, and others take it as an opportunity to push her down either further.

But thanks to those who have been supportive nonetheless

Also. I didn't come here to be judged or scorned. To be told I was 'reckless' or that somehow my OH is less to blame than I am.

I came here to seek out any women that may have found themselves pregnant and didn't know how to tell their partners/how it went when they did inform them/what the result was.

It's a sad world when a woman finds herself in a difficult and upsetting situation with no positive outcome regardless of which route she chooses, and others take it as an opportunity to push her down either further.

But thanks to those who have been supportive nonetheless

But you knew all of those things too OP. Why are you not equally responsible? What difference does it make what he did when you are the one now in bits at an abortion clinic? It is you that ultimately has to go through either the pregnancy or abortion so you should have been protecting your own mental health and prioritizing the wellbeing of your existing children.

Does you OH pursuing a vasectomy make any difference to your current thought process? If you have an abortion because now isn't the right time, you won't be able to have any more babies ever with this man. ..

I've made my bed with the fact an abortion is happening and I'll be having no further children. I've literally nothing more to say about it. I can't force OH to want this, or any other subsequent children and that's just the way it is

an abortion is happening

It's only happening if you choose to go to the clinic and let the doctors have go ahead with it. You don't have to 'let it happen'. You can choose between:

The fucker got me pregnant and is forcing me to have an abortion even though he knows I my mental health will suffer and I'll get depressed, repeatedly pissed and go out a lot to cope with it.
or
"We were careless and stupid and now I'm expecting. Neither of us feel we can cope well with another baby right now so even though this is a very sad and difficult decision we feel a termination is the best option for our family at this point.

OR
You can choose not to have an abortion at all and go ahead with the pregnancy. You have choices OP.

Unfortunately it doesn't really matter how it why this has all happened. You BOTH let it happen and now you both have to deal with it. Unfortunately it looks like it's going to effect your kids too.

I know I have choices and like I just said, I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
Is it a shit situation that we've both found ourselves in? Of course it is. Will it hurt mentally? Yes. Will thoughts of resentment creep in? Possibly. Will I get over it in time? I'm hopeful.

Abortion isn't an easy choice, even for those who know from the moment they find out that they're pregnant that they don't want to keep the baby. I just need to hope my OH doesn't expect me to get over it quickly and is willing to help me through this difficult choice. In the past, things have happened in which he has expected me to be over it, simply because he is and he's fed up of hearing about it. This isn't a decision made lightly whatsoever, so I'm going to need him with me every step of the way offering constant reassurance and comfort in the days, weeks and months following.

Make a sign. It says this was a big deal to me. You didn’t have the abortion. I did, and I’m a long way from being over it. You wanted this abortion and you need to support me. Then just give him a copy of it and walk away every time he is insensitive .
And if he doesn’t care personally I think you should destroy his favourite things and tell him to get over it. I do get it, my dh can be hurtful or selfish and forget about it instantly as he wasnt the one hurt.

Once you've had the abortion, and he has his vasectomy, do you think you'll reach the time you want another baby and leave him for another man?

I mean my dad having a vasectomy was a contributing factor to my mum leaving.. she went on to meet someone else and have a baby some 3 or 4 years after they were done...

Im sorry no one has a crystal ball that we can show you how it will pan out, I wish I did so you could base your decision off it. But whichever route you do take I hope your OH is supportive and thinks of you. Although from what you've said he will probably just go out for hours on end or ignore your pain..

I think you need to step back and allow yourself a little bit more time if you can before you make any rash decisions. I think you are making decisions to make others happy and are not thinking about what you want. Try and give yourself as much time as possible. You need to have some counselling individually and as a couple before you do anything drastic.

Op as you’re so early on in your pregnancy, would it not be an option to sit down with a counsellor and talk this all through before you go ahead? Not someone attached to a clinic, but someone completely impartial.
Just on this thread you have gone from someone excited about your pregnancy and looking forward to being a family of five, albeit nervous of telling your oh, to someone definitely getting a termination. I just think you need some real life support, and to be very very sure before making a life changing decision.

@TryingToThinkPositively I really think you shouldn't make a rash decision based on what HE wants, you've already stated you want another baby! so why shouldn't you have this baby? me and my OH wanted a baby soso badly, my first two pregnancies ended up being MMC's and they where the most painful experiences I've been through in my life, I'm currently 20 + 6 weeks pregnant with a little girl, and the way I see it, is that this is my third baby, you have a baby inside of you, a real living little person, and that little boy or girl does not deserve to have their life taken just because HE doesn't want you to have the baby, he sounds like a highly selfish person, and I have no idea how ANYONE can even condone his behaviour, do what you feel is right, if you generally don't want this baby, that is your choice, but please don't make a decision based on him and what he wants, because it really will eat you up one day.
I generally hope your situation gets better, and I hope people stop calling you irresponsible etc. because that's not true

Slightly different situation but I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with dc3. My then boyfriend did not live with me, did not want anymore children (he had 2, I had 2) but refused to get a vasectomy or use condoms even though he knew my current contraception wasn't suiting me and I needed to come off it in the near future. I did want more children, not necessarily with him (I knew it wasn't going anywhere with him) but definitely felt I wasn't "done" yet. I finished the relationship then found out a short time later that I was pregnant. I dreaded telling him. He was horrified, didn't even respond for weeks. Then said he'd hoped I'd get an abortion, that he'd considered killing himself, that I was selfish as he'd have to pay maintenance and it would mean he couldn't afford to live buy new games and consoles and take aways and fags. I ignored him completely as I had no intention of having an abortion. The thought didn't even cross my mind until he mentioned it. I now have a beautiful son who brings such joy every day. His dad has no interest in him whatsoever and that's the way of it. I'm a single mum of 3 and have had ante and post natal depression with all 3 but I've no regrets whatsoever about having my baby. I don't view my son as his at all. That might be wrong in some eyes but the reality is he's not in his life at all. My rather long winded point is  that you can do this on your own just fine. Lots of us do. It's scary as fuck at first but soon it's just your life and you get on with it. What is very clear from your posts is that you WANT this baby and if you don't have him or her then you will never have another child with this man. So if you wanted more children in the future you'd have to leave him anyway. I think you'd regret a termination dreadfully from what you've said. This is not his choice. It's yours. Your body, your baby, your choice. Others may disagree on the your baby bit however. This man is showing you who he is and I don't like the sounds of him one bit. He's not got your back. He's only interested in what he wants and how it affects him. You come first here. I hope everything works out for you @TryingToThinkPositively and that you find peace and happiness once all the shock wears off

How can you honestly expect "constant" emotional support from him following the abortion when he's offering you absolutely zero emotional support now? He's showing you his true colours OP. Believe him. If you have this abortion you will deal with the aftermath of it alone.

And that may still be easier than dealing with three babies alone, but really, do not expect his compassion and patience once this is done. He has none. As shown by the fact that he's responding to this life changing situation like a two year old who's dropped all his sweets.

Dear OP, I am not here to judge nor sway you, so much of that has been happening in this thread already but you really need to consider if having the pill to terminate the pregnancy is better than being put to sleep. My coil fell out 6 months into my degree in the early stages of my relationship with my DH and I had the pill and it was quite traumatic. It was very much like bleedinh after birth but with alot of cramping and clots. If your husband can't even support you in the build up then going through that alone with two young children really might not be the best path to take if you are already concerned how you will cope mentally with enduring it. I hope to God I never have to make that choice again (will have the coil put in again as I don't want my tubes tied or hubby to have a vasectomy incase of any risks) but if I had to then I wouldn't go through that again. I am so sorry if I have upset you but I feel you should know all the gory details before committing to a particular path

So glad to hear you managed to keep it all together through that horrible time @PerverseConverse and I'm happy you found a way to make it work, but I just don't think I could cope with three totally on my own.
OH hasn't once suggested that he'd leave if I have this baby, but he has made it sound like our lives will be absolutely awful if I do. He has his logical reasoning which I'm starting to understand, and of course, the pure and simple fact that he doesn't want a third.
Regarding the vasectomy, that's become somewhat of a confusing issue for me. After our first, he said we wanted no more, then baby number two came along, and back Came the 'I don't want anymore, I'm getting the snip'. This talk went on for months and months without him picking up the phone and calling the doctors/doing anything about it, until I eventually told him not to bother as it didn't seem like he truly wanted one otherwise he'd have done something about it, plus the fact I wanted more children. We discussed the vasectomy last week and he blurted out that he "never said he didn't want any more children, he said he didn't want another right now". None of that is true, he made it quite clear he wanted to completely stop at one, then he was definitely done at two. I ended up asking him, with that in mind, if should our financial situation change in a few years time, would a third child be on the cards and he said he doesn't think so. So many mixed signals. Anyway, his doctors appointment is this afternoon to discuss the vasectomy and if that's what he wants, I can't stop him, it's his body.

@Vampyress I didn't realise the pill was the worse option tbh! I had the surgical one before, and spent hours on the ward waiting for my turn, all the while listening to the women go in and out before me and coming out sobbing. It was heartbreaking. The fact it was a medical procedure made it feel so much more 'real' IYSWIM. I've told OH that he'll need to be at home when it 'passes' as I also don't think I'll deal very well the moment it happens if I'm alone with my babies. I've got until Friday to completely wrap my head around it all and while I'm still very upset, it is slowly getting easier to come to terms with.

@TryingToThinkPositively please have a look at the Freedom Program online. Even the bits you can access for free are helpful. Think it's £11 for the full course. This man is now gaslighting you and pressuring you to do what HE wants you to do.
Everyone thinks they won't cope alone with their children but thousands do and so will you. I personally couldn't stay with such a selfish man. As pp said, he won't support you after an abortion, he's shown you that already by the lack of support now.
Take your time, maybe go away for a few days so you're away from his negativity and gaslighting, and think about what YOU really want.

all the while listening to the women go in and out before me and coming out sobbing

That sounds awfully... dramatic, to be honest, unless these women were actually having an ERPC after a miscarriage rather than a termination. I had a surgical termination and there was no sobbing by anyone, either before or after. Most women who have a termination are fairly fine about it afterwards, because it's their choice. Which procedure you choose is your preference, although I'm still not sure what is actually going on with this whole situation. And I can't understand why, if you were so vehemently against a termination before, you are even contemplating having one and staying with him.

@QueenAravisOfArchenland I asked the nurse who was on the ward at the time if everyone was there for an abortion and she said it's usually mixed, some abortion, some miscarriage. So yes, there were tears. I cried after mine, so there's no saying the hurt I could see and hear on the ward was purely from those who had a miscarriage.

I'm starting to come round to the idea I guess because, at what point do you think purely selfishly about what you want, and at what point should you stop and consider the person you're with and the life you currently have with them.
It's far from an easy decision for me, but I'm hoping that at some point down the line, I'll be able to look back and truly know it was the right move and feel little to no negativity about it. It's going to be a rough ride. Even if I was 150% certain, I think I'd still find it difficult, so all I can do is hope OH steps up to the mark and supports me afterwards.