Unplanned third pregnancy - petrified of telling OH. Advice please!

[TryingToThinkPositively]

As the title states.. I took a pregnancy test last night and again this morning and have found myself with two positive tests now stashed away in my wardrobe.

OH and I currently have a soon-to-be 20 month old and a 7 month old who we are both lovingly obsessed with and would be entirely lost without.

I had an inkling a few days ago that I might’ve been pregnant, so I tested the waters with OH by reading him out a few threads from here about husbands who emotionally blackmail their wives in to having abortions when the woman doesn’t want one. I found myself in that situation 8 years ago with a previous partner, and suffered terribly with grief, guilt and shame for years afterwards - the guilt didn’t actually start to subside until I fell pregnant again with our first DS. Anyway, after talking through the threads with OH and him being aware of my history, he made it clear that he could see how traumatising and downright horrible those sort of situations must be for the woman, but also followed it up by saying ‘that being said, I think a third baby would kill me right now’.

I am so, so scared to tell him. Our second DS wasn’t planned either and I sobbed when I announced that pregnancy - all for it to turn out fine and left me feeling silly for getting myself so worked up. But this time is different. OH was and is adamant that two babies are enough, and 3 under 3 will be insane. Our eldest still wakes up countless times a night and our youngest starts his days at 4:30am so we’re both zombies 99.9% of the time.

I know we’re foolish for not using protection. After we discovered we were pregnant for the second time, OH threw around the old ‘that’s it, I’m getting the snip’ malarkey. I ended up convincing him not to get one as I made it clear I wasn’t done having children (I’m only 25). We reasoned that I would go on the pill and if in 5 years time he still hadn’t warmed to the idea of another baby, he was free to go and get the vasectomy. I didn’t go on the pill, and slowly but surely, we eventually stopped using condoms. For the most part we’ve been using the ‘pull out’ method (not effective, I know!), but this third pregnancy is the result of just ONE incident where it was left in.

I’m torn between telling OH as soon as we’ve got both DS’s down for their nap today, or waiting a while longer to process it more myself. OH is off work until next week so I think telling him this week is probably better, I just have no idea how to go about it and I’m petrified of him asking me to get an abortion.

Anyone been in a similar situation???

I'm definitely leaning more towards a well written, nicely worded letter for OH to read alone and come to terms with by himself with me not right there breathing down his neck.
OH is the sort to say the wrong thing in the heat of the moment, then come back with his tail between his legs a few hours later after he's cooled down, so while I do expect him to freak out, I'd rather avoid having to hear something I wish I didn't have to.

I think letting him process it all alone might be better than me telling him to his face and anxiously sitting opposite him awaiting a response there and then.

Would a letter be a cop out?

I'm scared he'll wind up resenting the child, or me, for having the child

I think this a real risk and its the reason that I think you shouldn’t have let him be such an idiot by not wearing a condom. It’s a 100% his own fault but I suspect he might feel tricked. You are just going to have to tell him. I don’t think there is a good way.

He might need that outpouring of emotion with you therr? Would a letter not leave him to stew on it?

I've not been in your situation lass, so all I can do is wish you luck amd send you a handhold

I don't think a letter is a cop out. My OH needs a little while to ' come around' to ideas and will often react and then do as yours does and come back with his tail between his legs and admit that he was shocked etc and hadn't had a chance to think. I'm the opposite and quickly jump to decisions and possibilities and he needs to stew for a while.

Don't make the letter apologetic though, it's no ones fault.

And actually although you don't feel celebratory right now a baby is a wonderful thing - congratulations xx

I think you probably need to accept he may initially be shocked and not react by scooping you up and whirling you round but you need to tell him (face to face I think, you are a partnership) and then work it through.

You need to tell him face to face.
Not in a letter!

You're a strong woman! Put on your big girl pants and do what you need to do xxx

A letter it is then!
I feel confident that I'll be able to express myself a whole lot better that way, and the added bonus of him being able to read it in his own time is great.

I'm fully prepared for him to be angry, sad, shocked, scared - a whole plethora of emotions and I'm willing to ride it out and be patient with him so long as he does come round eventually!

If he tries forcing an abortion, or hints that he'll leave if I continue with the pregnancy, then I don't really want or need that kind of a human in my life anyway!

Time to start drafting what I'm going to say. Wish me luck ladies and thank you to those who have said congratulations! That does feel nice to hear amongst this 'drama' x

"I'm fully prepared for him to be angry, sad, shocked, scared"

Really? Has no one ever told him how babies are made?

FWIW I just asked my OH and he said he'd receive the news better in a letter with time to digest it and knows he wouldn't immediately be able to give me the response I wanted or support I needed. At least I'll know what to do if I find myself in a similar situation now I've asked him 😂😂😂 (we're both in the 'he's getting a snip after this next baby' camp though!)

I don't think it's about putting your big girl pants on I think it's about being able to express yourself properly without excess emotion and giving him time and space to process his.

For heavens sake just tell him! He knows how babies are made. He has been a willing partner in unprotected sex. It might be a shock but it isn't exactly a bolt out of the blue is it?

I'd not bother with the faff of a letter - he's a grown man with a full 50% responsibility for this 3rd pregnancy. Just tell him as soon as he's in tonight and sitting down and able to give you enough attention to take it in.

The sooner he knows, the sooner he can get his head round it and the sooner the two of you can start planning. (And also planning how not to be in this situation again in a year or so's time!)

Personally I'd just tell him face to face no letter. Just come out with it! He knows what can happen when you don't use protection so it should hardly be a surprise. As you said earlier, it takes two to tango.

I'm expecting him to feel all of those things because I know he isn't simply going to turn around and go 'Ah well! Let's do it!'. Men process things differently to women, of course he's aware how babies are made, but I think there's still an element of shock and surprise whether you're actively doing all you can to fall pregnant or not!

We've had conversations about serious topics in the past (not necessarily pregnancy related), and I know that within our relationship, letters do tend to work better from experience. When he's put on the spot, he struggles to express himself properly and then things have the tendency to escalate. I'm merely trying to make this situation as easy for the both of us as I possibly can, and I do think allowing him the time to think about it alone and digest it by himself will be the better route to take.

I understand that he should be able to take it in his stride and deal with it all there and then, but i really don't think that will be the case.

“I don't think it's about putting your big girl pants on I think it's about being able to express yourself properly without excess emotion and giving him time and space to process his.”

Yeah right. Time and space for the man who says a 3rd baby would “kill him” but who didn’t wear a condom and ejaculated into a fertile woman’s vagina.

OP I am sorry that some people have been critical of you. I really think it's unfair. Both of you chose not to use contraception , why does that make it your "fault "?
Clearly you are very happy with the thought of a third. I'm expecting my sixth and the joy that my existing 5 children bring to each other's lives is immense.
Having said that, I dithered at the beginning of this pregnancy. My husband had a vasectomy reversal last October and I fell pregnant at new year . I hadn't expected to fall pregnant so quickly at 44. I am now overwhelmed with love for my 32 week bump but I did feel uncertain at first as it felt overwhelming.
Just tell him. He may be cross or upset at first . But in a few days time he may feel differently. There won't be a new baby along next week- as other people have pointed out your other two will be 8 months older by then; and I found having another one coming along was a great incentive to be firmer at nighttime with my older ones! (If you can manage it....I know it's hard!)
Good luck for a healthy and happy pregnancy!

Sounds as though you were happy to get pregnant, and your DH should have been more careful if he didn't want a third.

Maybe the compromise is that you have the baby and he can have the vasectomy he wanted.

Men don't 'process things differently'. Really.

My other half is slightly different as he's severely dyslexic so avoids anything written but from my perspective I definitely process things better written down and with time to think so I think you are being very practical. Good luck

If you think men and women think alike and deal with things in the same manner then that's your opinion, mine happens to be different and I know myself and my other half work through things entirely differently to one another! The same came be said for my father and step mother, as well as my mother and step father.

@kitty1013 thank you! I expect to take a pinch of 'cold hard truth' or 'harshness' from people. But you're right, I am happy to be welcoming a new member to the family - again, the fact it's so soon after DS2 is a slight bump in the road, but that doesn't change me looking forward to meeting the little baby, so to be told it was reckless is a little disheartening. Had I been doing everything I could to not fall pregnant, it'd be a different story, but I always was open to one more child so I don't really feel I've acted stupidly to be perfectly honest.
If my OH was 100% dead set against a third child, then the responsibility laid with him to be more careful, and that's that really!
Ps - 6 kids!? You total trooper!! Xx

@TryingToThinkPositively no problem-you came on here for advice and support how to break the news to DH in best way possible- you are clearly both devoted and loving parents- I really don't know what anyone has to tell you off about!

"Men don't process things differently".....erm that's totally not my experience . Maybe not a male/female thing just a different personalities thing. My husband adores all our children and is more excited than me about our imminent (last!) baby. However back 8 years ago when I told him I was pg with DC3 he said "you ARE joking??!!" His immediate reaction was not his ultimate one at all. Xxxx

You need to just bite the bullet and tell him.

It's no more your fault than his, so don't feel guilty. He can't be angry or surprised if he was happy to sleep with you unprotected.
It will be a shock, it always is even if it's planned. So be prepared to give him some space to get his head round it.

Whatever you decide to do just take your time and talk to each other.
You are obviously very fertile so either get him snipped or sort some contraception though before you end up in this situation again with number 4, and I don't say that in a judgmental way, but you do need to both take responsibility.

The guilt thing is weird. I think I'm feeling guilty because I know that I'm okay about all of this and he likely won't be.
I'm definitely going to tell him before the week is out. I don't think I'll be able to hold it in much longer than that.

I'm already adamant in my own mind that this will be our last baby, so I'm confident appropriate measures will be taken going forward. Just crossing my fingers that OH can eventually end up happy too!

DH made it very clear to me that he thought I should (that he thought I would) terminate my last pregnancy.
DS3 will be 4 in November and our marriage survived.
I have since been sterilised.

Eeeeee good luck OP and congratulations! I always say everything happens for a reason x

Just tell him already!! Xx

I'm about to have my second, and I've told him absolutely NO sex until I'm on something. He's adamant this is our last but neither of us are even 30 yet so I told him not to solidify anything with a vasectomy..

Sex happens. You get lost in the moment and it's stupid, we've all done it..well most of us. I don't think he will push for termination or anything because you both know what sex leads to so if he was dead certain he would make damn sure he didn't finish, especially with the constant reminder of baby stuff around lol.

I think my approach would be a letter as I'd be too chicken to see his reaction incase it hurts.

I 100% would make a few points at the end and ask him to mull them over.

I.e - perks of having them close now as opposed to starting again in the future.

• you've obviously worked out finances so I would reassure him that you would manage.

And anything else you think he should know before you sit down and talk about it.

And lastly I would say sorry, for not telling him straight away (I know this would infuriate my OH) but make him aware of why you were apprehensive and hence the letter.

He'll come round eventually, like you said abortion isn't an option (I would feel the same I think) so he's got to suck it up and accept it one way or another..

Lots of luck and don't worry, whether you tell him tonight or in a week the only difference is you'll save yourself a week of stress.