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Original poster

Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

265 replies

CeeP · 13/04/2018 19:00

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

OP posts:
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Charlotte2101 · 14/04/2018 22:11

I doubt the op will be back after how she has been spoken to here 

@Smellyjo I agree.

I am new to this forum after a group of women who met on this forum came to my work with their 8 month old babies who all now met regularly. I thought lovely that's exactly what I want when my baby is here. Now I'm thinking otherwise after some of the comments I've read on here.

It is awful hearing what some of you women have gone through, reading them have had me in tears, but it's clear that OP was emotional (and probably hormonal!) when writing her post and was looking for some words of support, not a backlash of comments that will no doubt be making her feel worse. I thought forums were about supporting eachother through our journeys not about been judgemental and horrible.

I agree with you it hasn't ruined her pregnancy, she's lucky to have a healthy baby but she can still be upset about what happened to her, I imagine soon she will look back and see that it hasn't ruined everything, but in that moment of writing that's how she felt, whether rightly or wrongly.

I personally am having a surprise and I would be upset if someone broke the news the way OP has had.

If you are reading these comments OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.

bertielab · 14/04/2018 22:17

I’m sorry you asked not to know and were told but .... it can really help to look at the positives -
You have a ‘special’ secret the two of you
You can bond and talk to a ‘he’ or ‘she’ rather then an ‘it’
You can have fun winding people up as you can say ‘if it is a boy we are calling it .......’ lots of horrendous names knowing of course you are having a girl or vice versa ....

I’m sure there are other silver linings remember you might know the gender but you will feel all that melt away when you baby is put in your arms - I promise.

MrsG01081401 · 14/04/2018 22:24

It was clear from the op's title what this post was about. It's not a competition about who has been through the worst pregnancy experience.

Op, you are more than entitled to feel disappointed about the way the sonographer handled your request about not finding out the gender of your baby and as other pp's have stated, I would detail your experience through PALS as this could impact other patients in a significant way.

You have received quite a lot of negative comments regarding your post but the title of your post is clear so some people really need to get a grip and stop posting their poor me stories on a post clearly about a healthy pregnancy which experienced a negative comment from a health professional who should have known better.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 14/04/2018 22:52

'Poor me'Hmm

MrsG01081401 · 14/04/2018 22:59

Yes poor me as the title of the op's post is very clear yet people feel the need to comment unnecessarily about their own experience trying to belittle the op's experience.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 14/04/2018 23:03

Comparing the death of their baby to learning the sex when you didn't want to know? Oh that's exactly the same thing.

MrsG01081401 · 14/04/2018 23:09

But why look at this thread when it's clear what it's about? It's clearly about finding out the sex when the op didn't want to. It's not a competition about who has been through the worst experience.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 14/04/2018 23:12

It's about perspective. Her life hasn't been 'ruined' and she won't be grieving a lost child.

It's hardly on a par with 'my new shoes pinch my feet' 'well you are lucky tohave feet because mine got chopped off in a freak water skiing accident'

Onceuponatimethen · 14/04/2018 23:14

MrsG I am actually very sympathetic to op and had a somewhat similar experience to her so can empathise.

But having also had a mmc discovered at 12 week scam and which was handled very poorly at that scam and had to be dealt with by PALs and now finding scans nothing but upsetting, I do think it would benefit op to understand that her feelings are in no way in proportion.

I still agree she should report to pals

MrsG01081401 · 14/04/2018 23:16

You are right that her life hasn't been ruined, However, a lot of people have come on this post to comment purely because they have been through a worse experience almost in competition with the op not to provide a constructive response.

anyfreeusernames · 14/04/2018 23:19

oh my days some of the comments on this thread are pure cruel!

yes OP has overreacted a bit but there is really no need for the way she has been treated you all really ought to be ashamed of yourselves

Onceuponatimethen · 14/04/2018 23:20

I think people came on to comment on the thread not expecting the level of upset (going to the quiet room, tears, ph ruined) and it is the hyperbole that has produced the response.

Tbh I felt quite upset reading the op, even though I can see why she was sad.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/04/2018 23:20

That was to mrsg

lollipopjones · 14/04/2018 23:26

Upon hearing that the sonographer was inexperienced, my only thought would have been - will she be able to accurately tell whether my baby is healthy?

As someone who can't understand why you wouldn't want to know the sex, I'm afraid it's not something I'd get worked up about.

LeighaJ · 14/04/2018 23:30

CeeP

The baby's gender is a surprise no matter when or how you find out, I've never understood how it's more of a surprise after the baby is born. It defies logic.

It's certainly annoying this happened and very unprofessional from the tech, but you're not going to get much sympathy since your baby's healthy.

I read a story awhile back about a woman in labour who was in excessive pain and berated by NHS staff for being "a drama queen", I think it turned out she had placenta abruption, later she stopped breathing, they put an oxygen mask on her that wasn't even hooked up, she and the baby both died.

And you want to know whether or not to try and escalate things against the gender revealing tech "to avoid this happening to anyone else." Really? Hmm

MrsG01081401 · 14/04/2018 23:32

But the op is entitled to be upset as her choice was taken away from her but that does not belittle other people's experiences . It shouldn't ruin a pregnancy but who is to say that she shouldn't feel upset or use the quiet room when she has experienced unprofessionalism from a health care professional. Like I have said, it is not a competition and everyone has different experiences. The title of the thread is clear.

ChiragGoopta · 14/04/2018 23:43

This kind of thread epitomises everything I hate about mumsnet.

Honestly, posters are angry at her and reporting the thread because their situation was worse than hers and she's used the word 'devastated'?

Fucking ridiculous.

moofeatures · 14/04/2018 23:44

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ChiragGoopta · 14/04/2018 23:45

Not even 'devastated' but 'gutted'...

AnUtterIdiot · 15/04/2018 00:33

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AnUtterIdiot · 15/04/2018 00:37

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AlbusPercivalWulfricBrian · 15/04/2018 00:47

These comments are awful. The sonographer was very unprofessional, full stop. And no, the OP wasn't belittling anyone else's experiences.. She was just hurt that what should have been her decision to make was taken away from her.
It was clearly stated in the title of the thread!
Some of these posters need to take a long, hard look at themselves, just because you've been through something does not give you the right for you to be nasty to other people. It's not a competition.

Angharad07 · 15/04/2018 00:59

I understand why this is upsetting for you but I think you’re being very dramatic in saying that your first pregnancy is “ruined”. You can’t ruin a baby that’s going to grow, who you can love and cherish for the rest of your life.

She needs to be reprimanded and it’s unacceptable. However, I feel very angry with you. My first pregnancy was ruined when I miscarried and so was my second. I’m on my third and recently went for 6 weeks scan and they found nothing (fingers crossed it’s just too early). You have absolutely no idea and are being totally naive to what a ruined experience feels like. I will never enjoy early pregancy (and maybe the whole thing) now, and have never been given the opportunity to. You have a healthy baby, suck it up. These are 1st world problems indeed.

Angharad07 · 15/04/2018 01:06

Also, for everyone else’s comments saying that’s it’s not a competition- I agree. Some perspective may actually help this lady. She might focus on how lucky she is instead of feeling down (I don’t want her to feel bad).

I’m sure her upset may last a few weeks and her anger about this may last a lifetime. Nevertheless, I myself felt like crying when hearing a woman call her healthy pregnancy “ruined”. I would give anything for one and I just wish people wouldn’t be so blaze about healthy pregnancy. There’s so much joy and heartbreak surrounding the subject.

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer · 15/04/2018 07:20

Completely shocked by most of the posters on this thread! The OP has clearly left due to the lack of support.

I get that lots of people get bad news at scans, and that is truly heartbreaking. However, the title of this post was clear - an unwanted reveal of the sex of her baby by a professional who was asked twice NOT to reveal this information.

It's all relative folks. Comparing this post to scans where a baby has either died or is not compatible with life is completely unfair.
The OP's feeling are totally valid, and while she might calm down in a few days and actually count her lucky stars she has a healthy baby, right now she's upset.

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and I know what those preggo hormones do to me - I get upset about smaller issues, and those feelings are still valid!!!

Op; I doubt very much that you are still reading this but if you are, I'm really sorry you found out the sex of your baby this way. I hope the trainee sonographer is spoken to and any complaints you choose to make are justified. It's unlikely she'll lose her job but she needs to learn very quickly how to keep her mouth shut!

Take care and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

Oh, and she could be wrong!!! X