Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

[CeeP]

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

Askbasil by the fact that she needed to use the bereavement/ bad news room and the fact that it is enough to " completely ruin her whole pregnancy", that's a hugely insensitive comment on a board where other women are daily posting devastating news.
It sounds like she's not aware of much outside of her little world.

Also she was annoyed the sonographer was looking around her child's bits, regardless of the fact she could easily of looked away or that the sonographer might need to take measurements from that view!

The sonographer telling her hasn't been clarified, if she blurted out its a boy/girl, then, yes the OP being disappointed that her romantic idea of her partner holding up baby and declaring a boy/girl is gone, but there was a good chance it may not have gone like that (intervention/ cs etc).

If she refered to him/her it may not have been a reveal, at my 9 week scan the sonographer refered to "him" I asked if she could tell and she replied it was a turn of phrase and better than calling baby "it".

She has complained to the trainees manager, she should leave it there to be dealt with, but reading her post it sounds like she'd have her sacked!

At any other point in history, and still in many places around the world, pregnancy would be the most dangerous point in life. A “ruined” pregnancy would be death or disfigurement.

Sorry for this disappointment. But if this has “ruined” your pregnancy then I suggest a nice warm cup of cop onto yourself.

YANBU for being disappointed that your surprise was ruined, YAB massively U to suggest that this has ruined the rest of your pregnancy. I’m sure after a few days you will calm down and be more focused on how lucky you are.

What are you having OP?

I think it’s really unfair for people to try and make her feel bad by saying that they or others they know have had far worse problems. If we all lived like that, none of us would ever be justified about being upset about anything, as there is always someone who has had a worse problem than you.

People always come out with this on the gender disappointment threads, too. The thing is, there's a difference between 'having a genuine problem that isn't the worst problem in the world' and 'having a non-problem'. You will never see people saying 'some people have it worse' on threads where, for instance, someone discovers their unborn child has a serious but treatable condition. It is used exclusively for situations where just getting over it is genuinely the best option, and I think there it can actually be helpful for people to put things in a broader perspective and to count their own blessings a bit.

There is nothing that’s going to ruin the moment when you are handed your baby. Having my second was not any less momentous for having given birth before, so knowing the sex is not going to matter to you once the baby is born. In fact, the whole pregnancy and birth is pretty much forgotten as soon as you have a baby to look after for most!

Maybe if the OP met another mum in the 'quiet space' and had a conversation about why they were both there she might have gained some perspective. I can't see many mums sitting there wringing their hands over finding out the sex of their baby (unless there was a genetic reason why one would be bad).

It might be irritating or annoying but it's not a matter of life and death. She needs to stop stressing about it - not good for her or the baby.

I understand what you’re saying, I just don’t think some of the harsh comments on here were really necessary that’s all. I think people have been unduly cruel to the OP which is probably why she hasn’t been back on the thread.

I guess people can be pretty blunt when the person isn't standing in front of them telling then their story.

If it was a friend you would probably smile, give them a hug and say 'your baby is healthy though - that's the main thing isn't it? Come on gloomy gus, cheer up, this is good news!'

by the fact that she needed to use the bereavement/ bad news room

Read the OP! This is not what she said! If you're going to berate her at least berate her for what she has ACTUALLY said. And to be honest, if anyone comes out of a scan crying, for whatever reason, do you really want them sobbing in the waiting room?

What do you think the quiet areas are forever then m0regin?
I've sat in them more than once, and they don't have "bad news room" on the door, but it's pretty clear what they are for.
She refers to the receptionist needing to find them a quiet space to sit, they're the only quiet spaces around the scan waiting areas I've been to and 'm not the only one who's read that from the OP.

The manager could be in trouble too, discussing a trainees prior performance with a stranger. That would be unprofessional and enough to get the manager in trouble where I work.

I think that for me it would depend on what was actually said and how it was said.
The use of a pronoun might not necessarily mean anything this is often done to avoid referring to the baby as "it".
In the OP you say there sonographwr asked I you wanted to find out and you said please don't tell us. Was it that you said "please..(it's a boy!/it's a girl!) don't tell us",
Or was it "please don't tell us" (it's a boy!/it's a girl!)
Hope the baby is healthy anyway.
I accidentally found out on my first too. I was a bit miffed but it wasn't the end of the world.

She was a trainee. It was likely an error on her part and she will be dealt with and hopefully she will improve.
I understand your annoyance OP but think yourself lucky. Lots of us here DID get horrible news at a scan. I would have killed to be told that my baby was a girl instead of "sorry your baby has Edwards and it's incompatible with life". Your extreme overreaction is a bit offensive to mums hat have lost a child.
That said, congratulations and just try to enjoy your final weeks. Xx

zaalitje so would you have preferred her to cry in the waiting room? Forget why she was upset or whether you think this was justified or not, the fact is she was crying and everyone saying it's inappropriate for her to 'use up' a quiet area, would you all have had her sobbing in front of the other people waiting for their scan?

Some of the replies here are really some of the nastiest things I've read on Mumsnet in a while.

I think people need to realise that this kind of unprofessional “blurting” is REALLY not on for a sonographer.

Okay look.

A 20 week scan is a big deal, there's a lot to look for and she obviously just forgot herself. That needs to be worked on but count your lucky stars that everything is well with your baby.

I know too many people who have had their lives shattered in a 20 week scan. You just know the "surprise" a bit sooner than expected.

And btw the NHS is haemorrhaging radiologists who will do ultrasound so think on that before you complain too loudly.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

How utterly bloody soppy. Get a grip. A big one.

What @HoldMeCloserTonyDanza said!

And btw the NHS is haemorrhaging radiologists who will do ultrasound so think on that before you complain too loudly.

This is no excuse for unprofessional behaviour. If she can't be discrete about the sex of a baby how will she act when she scans a baby with serious or life-threatening problems.

What @HoldMeCloserTonyDanza said!

^ precisely

you need to have a laugh about it and move on. This hasn't ruined your pregnancy. The only thing that could do that would be something potentially devastating for your baby's health. You need to get a grip.

m0regin you're right, there have been some nasty replies on here.

A lotof them aimed at those of us who've had losses or other bad news.someone earlier said there was no need to bring "dead babies" into it, who are offended at the OP using insensitive and provocative language "ruined her whole pregnancy" for example.
I tried to explain earlier on that she was lucky if this was ruined, my version of ruined, after multiple miscarriages, and several serious health scares for both myself and the baby is that i finally have with what looks like it might be a sticky bean. I also have extreme anxiety, and a complete disbelief that this might happen. Yet I know I am lucky, and I know my journey is, so far, a lot easier than many.

But should she have cried in the waiting room? No. But you'd hope she wasn't that self involved to be as distraught. Maybe her and her partner could have taken a few minutes outside if they needed to compose themselves, that room or crying in the middle of the waiting room weren't the only options

Christ I know is frustrating but honestly it’s not a big deal not finding out on the day there’s so much going on when you give birth . The sonographer will probably face a disciplinary now and no harm is done at all .

I understand that you are a) very hormonal right now and b) things haven’t gone as you pictured / expected. That can be difficult to process at the time, especially with hormones all over the place, but I hope that with a small amount of time and reflection you’ll realise that this is not devastating and has not ruined your pregnancy. The thing with pregnancy is that very rarely do things go as you predicted and you have to roll with the punches.

I suspect this trainee is so used to telling the sex and so focussed on the hundreds of checks and measurements she needed to make that she’s made a mistake. I do think your reaction was disproportionate - you were right to bring it up with her supervisor but beyond that I think you need to take a deep breath and realise that this is not that big a deal.

I too had visions of delivering my baby, my DH cutting the cord and handing them to me, me feeding them, etc etc. None of that happened. Instead my twins were born by emcs, immediately taken away to be resuscitated and taken to nicu. I didn’t even get to lay eyes on them. I wasn’t allowed up to see them for nearly 7 hours, or hold one of them for days, and he stayed there for two months. I find it very painful to look at photos of new mums holding their new babies, so happy. But mainly I’m just so grateful that my son is alive. There’s a chance that the dream you had wouldn’t have happened anyway, for so many different reasons. You absolutely cannot let these things destroy your happiness over what is wonderful news.

I doubt the op will be back after how she has been spoken to here 

@Smellyjo I agree.

I am new to this forum after a group of women who met on this forum came to my work with their 8 month old babies who all now met regularly. I thought lovely that's exactly what I want when my baby is here. Now I'm thinking otherwise after some of the comments I've read on here.

It is awful hearing what some of you women have gone through, reading them have had me in tears, but it's clear that OP was emotional (and probably hormonal!) when writing her post and was looking for some words of support, not a backlash of comments that will no doubt be making her feel worse. I thought forums were about supporting eachother through our journeys not about been judgemental and horrible.

I agree with you it hasn't ruined her pregnancy, she's lucky to have a healthy baby but she can still be upset about what happened to her, I imagine soon she will look back and see that it hasn't ruined everything, but in that moment of writing that's how she felt, whether rightly or wrongly.

I personally am having a surprise and I would be upset if someone broke the news the way OP has had.

If you are reading these comments OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.