Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

[CeeP]

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

You can't change how you feel - but you can give yourself a mental boot up the bum and tell yourself to not dramatised it.

Now, an unprofessional approach that was 'gutting' 'devastating' (definitely) 'ruined my day' etc was the doctor who wandered into my dad's hospital room, barely looked up from his notes and said "Mr Fekko - it's XXX. No remission. Terminal" then walked out.

I doubt Op will be coming back but I have to say you do not want to take it further to "prevent this happening to anyone else" you want to hurt her as much as you feel she hurt you by revealing the sex.

@Scrumptiousbears

That's very presumptuous. The OP hasn't said anything of the sort.
She said she wants to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else. The manager said they weren't the first this trainee has done this too. Hopefully a complaint would stop it happening to anymore couples.

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and I know what those preggo hormones do to me - I get upset about smaller issues, and those feelings are still valid!!!

Yeah no, but they’re not. They’re hormonal overreactions. Just because you can’t grasp that how you feel at any given moment is not objective truth, it doesn’t mean that everyone has to pussyfoot around your drama.

Some people might kindly phrase their response as “Oh honey, it’s hard being pregnant, everything seems so important” while others might just say “Jesus kid, do you think this is the first pregnancy ever? Get a hold of yourself honey”, but it all comes down to the same thing. You’re overreacting and you’ll likely be embarrassed about your lack of perspective later.

Sometimes I hate how judgemental Mumsnet is and how only people who have gone through awful experience are allowed to be upset over things!!

OP, it's crap, I get it. I would be utterly disappointed too. You've done the right thing to speak to people there and also report it/file a complaint. Be happy your little one is healthy, you'll get used to not having a surprise anymore and can just look forward to your little one arriving. Don't stress over it, it can't be changed.

@ShamelesslyPlacemarking

Yeah, no, they are.

My pregnancy hormones getting me tearful about someone walking into the living room with muddy feet after I've just hoovered is a completely different ballpark to OP's upset over her baby's sex being blurted out by someone who was told twice not to tell her the sex.
My upset is still valid, but that level of upset is nowhere near what OP must have felt.

Same with the examples of no heartbeat and deformities of babies. Of course OP's upset was not in the same ballpark as the upset of losing a baby. Does not make her upset any less valid? It's about it being relative.

And as we're on the pregnancy forum, not AIBU, I would have hoped she'd get a little bit more support, regardless of anyone else's experiences or her choice of words. A pregnant woman who has told someone twice not to tell her the sex of her baby IS going to be gutted that the sex was blurted out.

It's all still damn valid!

Telling op to "get a grip" etc is just massively unpleasant.

It's all still damn valid!

Upset? Of course. Gutted? Well, okay, it’s your first baby, everything does seem Terrifically Important. “Ruined whole pregnancy”? Ah... no.

This is the sort of person who is going to be crying in a year because her MIL bought her baby a toy she didn’t like. Not every failure of perspective needs to be indulged by strangers on the internet.

The OP makes no mention that her baby is healthy, makes no mention of what a GOOD JOB the ultrasound technician was doing in looking at the ultrasound so closely

Why the fuck would the OP mention that? It's not a 'good job', it's just her job, and it wasn't that good anyway given she fucked it up in a pretty insensitive way that she had been explicitly asked not to, and not for the first time. I agree OP is overreacting a bit but I'm sure most people on here still hide and wrap Christmas presents even though there are starving people with no presents elsewhere.

@AnUtterIdiot

I'm assuming you post is in response to mine. Apologies if not.
If you read my post, I've said that her upset is in a different ballpark to those who've lost babies - of course it is.

And I'm sure after a few days, she will regain some perspective about how lucky she is, but right now, she is allowed to have her upset. This post had nothing to do with baby loss or incompatibility with life. While I am truly sorry that anyone has to go through pregnancy loss (my best friend went through late term loss - I was heartbroken for her), it doesn't disallow anyone to be "gutted" about other things.
This is a pregnancy forum; there are going to be all sorts of issues and worries - some more devastating than others. Criticising this woman's choice of words because others have suffered more is very unfair.

You bet I'd be sticking up for someone who'd suffered pregnancy loss if someone else tried to minimise their loss by saying their devastation was worse!

@AnUtterIdiot 😳

Whoever referred to your story as "poor me" is damn out of order.

Unfortunately I think you're reading my posts and seeing something entirely different to what I'm writing. I definitely don't think that is at all appropriate to say to someone who has suffered a still birth. And if it was the OP that said this then I totally understand your feelings towards her posts, but I'm under the impression that she's just after similar stories and whether anyone has decided to take it further. Nothing more.

I don't think anyone is trying to win a competition, not sure where you got that impression from my post - massively twisting my words/coming up with something entirely different.
I've just said that all feelings in this post are valid, including the op, despite experiences not being in the same ballpark.

Happy to end our conversation though as, despite me feeling like you've misread my posts, I don't wish to upset anyone whose been through what you have any further. Peace?

She is definitely allowed to be upset! Her feelings are definitely valid. I would be furious in her situation.

Is it ok for people to come storming in with their stories of loss? Yes. Quite simply because she commented that her whole pregnancy is now “ruined”. Perspective will be given when needed. Hormones or whatever else may have caused an overreaction but hopefully she will appreciate that her pregnancy isn’t ruined, just her scan experience was.

It's disappointing now but you honestly won't care at the birth. It will be so magical meeting your new baby anyway.

Wow ‘poor me’ who says that about people who have lost babies??

It’s not about feeling disappointed/annoyed; I get that, I would also. But the wording stings, when my 20 week scan was ruined by a heart that wasn’t beating, the idea of someone with a healthy pregnancy dramatizing a minor inconvenience is a bit upsetting.

She was a trainee, so is still learning. Presumably part of the training involves blurting information out to the assessor. Obviously she has to learn to hind some information. Im sure she will get there in the end, everyone needs a chance to learn new skills. The OP needs some perspective though. Pregnancy hormones are no excuse.

I’m not reading the full the thread because people are being so mean!
The sonographer was totally out of line and deserves to face repercussions on this. Especially as she has done it before. I would have been absolutely raging!

@jupiter15 I think you are wise not to read the full thread, I've been following the whole thing and have found it such a depressing example of how woman can treat one another. There are lots of hurt and upset people on here who have had awful experiences, but they are taking their anger out on a poor woman who has had a different kind of experience which has upset her.

I'd like to point out to everyone that her reference to the 'ruining' of the pregnancy - she says she feels like that, at this moment. It's not that she will necessarily feel like that next week and no doubt she knows that. That is how she feels! I can't believe there are people saying that her feelings are not ok. You may think they are disproportionate and they certainly are compared to people suffering loss, however these pages are for everyone and they should feel safe to express themselves without being vilified like this.

@Smellyjo

EXACTLY!

You're far more eloquent than me! Spelled it out in two simple paragraphs!

Exactly, these pages are for everyone so be sensitive with your wording for the sake people who are in less fortunate circumstances.

Women of all backgrounds read these threads not necessarily knowing what the description will be. Regardless of feeling, she still said something very insensitive and rather silly in the heat of the moment, which should be forgiven but I can understand why it’s not excused by being completely ignored.

A lot of you are being ridiculously rude about this woman !
I'm sorry a lot of you had miscarriages etc
But at the end of the day this lady is upset and came for advise .
Sorry she told you the gender but focus on that you can now pre plan things and get extra creative with the baby's nursery etc x