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Original poster

Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

265 replies

CeeP · 13/04/2018 19:00

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

OP posts:
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TheDinosaurRoars · 13/04/2018 23:51

I’ve found lots of sonographers refer to babies as boys throughout scans regardless. The mother is “she/her” and the baby is “he/him” as it makes it easier for somebody else in the room with them to know which one they are talking about. In fairness, they do usually tell you this at the beginning so you know not to read too much into them saying it.

AnUtterIdiot · 14/04/2018 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOtherUserNameIsAUnicorn · 14/04/2018 00:42

@Aprilmightbemynewname me too, talipes at 20 week scan. He's 10 weeks now. Feet looking good but it was a horrible experience. (Nothing compared to some posters on here Thanks)

OP- only you can ruin your experience. Gender is really such a small part of this person you are making. Lots of other things could have stopped it being your partner who told you. I had an emergency c section after 3 days of labour and as they handed me my son I was puking into a cardboard bowl as the anesthetist held my head. Still the best moment of my life hands down. Your perspective will change when you see his (or her) little face.

steppemum · 14/04/2018 00:58

OP, we didn't want to know with any of ours, but with dc 2 and dc3 we had health problems later in the pregnancy.
We ended up finding out for both dc2 and 3 as we were in danger of loosing them. We didn't tell anyone, and they didn't even know we knew, so it was still a big surprise for the family.

Once we knew we might lose them, we actually chnaged our minds and wanted to know the sex, and to chose a name.
We were lucky, they are all now healthy kids.

Nandocushion · 14/04/2018 01:02

This happened to me as well OP and I complained too. The technician who did it to me wasn't new at all, just sloppy. I wasn't crying but I was unhappy with the unprofessionalism. However - I think it's a little much to say your "whole experience" of your first pregnancy has been ruined. It's not going to matter at all in a few months. So I think you were fine to tell the manager but there's no need to take it any further than that.

SemperIdem · 14/04/2018 01:03

If you think being told the sex has ‘ruined your pregnancy’ then you need to have a look at the Pregnancy Choices board on this site.

Get a grip. You have no idea how devastating news at the 20 week scan can be and are lucky.

FranticallyPeaceful · 14/04/2018 01:12

Congratulations on your healthy baby,I’m sorry your entire pregnancy is now ruined Hmm

NorthernLurker · 14/04/2018 01:12

Damn right it's not a competition about who is allowed to be upset. The parents who have posted who have lost pregnancies, suffered devastating experiences and live with a life time of not having their baby can be upset. The op who has a healthy pregnancy confirmed today can pull herself together and pack in the self indulgent claptrap about a pregnancy being ruined.

BakedBeans47 · 14/04/2018 01:15

Wallow, acknowledge your feelings as disappointed then move on.

This.

Ach, OP. I am sure you know only too well how lucky you are and that this is small potatoes compared to the complete and utter devastation some people on MN and this thread have experienced following a scan. I think how you’ve worded it has understandably upset people x

You’ve said your piece, hopefully the hospital will speak to her, and she’ll learn from her mistakes.

Congratulations on your baby and not having found out the sex with either of mine, finding out the sex at birth was probably the least magical thing about having a lovely baby to love and cuddle!

spicerack · 14/04/2018 01:18

this isn't a competition of who's had it worse and OP being upset doesn't make everyone else's bad experiences of pregnancy invalid. She's entitled to be upset, it's her first pregnancy and she wanted her DP to tell her first. If she repeatedly told the girl not to tell her then i'd be annoyed to. Pregnancy is an emotional and hormonal time, let her be upset.

SemperIdem · 14/04/2018 01:34

spice

Being pregnant doesn’t entitle you to be a complete berk. This is a non issue.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 14/04/2018 01:47

Meanwhile, in Syria...

SmallBlondeMama · 14/04/2018 01:49

Aww that sucks!! What are you having?? :)

MrsAET · 14/04/2018 02:22

I can totally understand why you're disappointed. At my 20 week scan I repeatedly told the sonographer that we didn't want to know and at the end he said "well I definitely know what you're having".
From that comment I presume we were having a boy as it sounded like he'd definitely seen something. (I know he could have meant be definitely hadn't seen something but unlikely). We did have a boy. It annoyed me at the time that he made any comment, which I felt was completely unnecessary.

It should be your choice whether to find out. But don't let it ruin your pregnancy, you're doing an amazing thing growing a human.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/04/2018 02:36

I actually feel very sorry for you OP and sympathise greatly.
All posters telling you to remove your head from your arse are being cruel and looking at your disappointment from their own perspective.

I didn't want to know the sex of my first and if someone had accidentally told me I would have been very upset. I love how pregnant women are told all through Mumsnet that their needs and emotions should be first (i.e. how many weeks should I wait to have visitors) but heaven fucking forfend you let something that someone else seems insensitive bother you.

FFS - OP you're not unreasonable and I would have been upset too. You don't need a reality check - you're allowed your disappointment.

One of the greatest memories of my life are DH telling me what we had when DS1 emerged. We all have ideas of how our pregnancies and labors are going to go, nobody else should get to shit on someone else's idea just because they've not had the same experience...

Strokethefurrywall · 14/04/2018 02:38

Meanwhile in Syria

Would you want to post the same comment on the infertility boards??

Fucks sake...

SD1978 · 14/04/2018 03:48

Disappointed- reasonable. Entire pregnancy now ruined- overly dramatic. You need to take it for what it is- a trainee making a mistake. You’ve already complained- she will be talked to be the manager. What more do you want? You need to take a step back. This isn’t a pregnancy ruining event. Finding out your baby is incomparable with life is a disaster. Finding out by mistake if it’s got a or is it a vagina is an irritation at most.

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 14/04/2018 04:00

Would you want to post the same comment on the infertility boards??

Fucks sake...

No, just to someone who is being ridiculously melodramatic about her “whole pregnancy being ruined” because she knows the sex of her baby a bit early. The infertility boards are where people have real problems.

bbpp · 14/04/2018 04:15

The OP reminded me I read about a woman who, I think, sued a hospital as they told the sex of the baby after she had requested they didn't.

They were Indian, and the baby was female, and the husband had it forcibly aborted without her consent (whilst she was under anaesthetic).

Fia256 · 14/04/2018 05:18

I've just read through all this thread and can't believe some of the comments - from those who are offended by the genuinely devastating 20 week scan results?! I would love to live in your worlds!!

OP, I can fully understand why you are upset I really can. It's your first baby, and first baby's most people have so many fantasy's over how everything will be and how they want it etc and your in no way wrong for pinning your hopes up on a surprise. I think I would have felt a bit gutted too if it had been me and that was the biggest worry that day. And also have a right to be angry when you had asked multiple times not to be told. I think majority of us feel for you in that sense

However. While it's obvious what the post is about from the title, its the way half the original post has been worded that takes the actual piss and angering a lot of people! Another one here who's 20 week scan last year showed my baby had died a few weeks prior. I came out sobbing and needed the quiet room. I'm now 20 weeks again and just had a healthy scan thank god but the fear was unreal beforehand and all the way through. It's obviously no competition like some are suggesting, but honestly if I had over heard your reaction after my scan I'd of been even more upset as I'd of given absolutely anything to have been given that news rather than mine!

And as for the comment about it being over the top sharing news about dead babies - welcome to the real world where it's not just gender reveals and happy surprises!!!!

PopcornDawn · 14/04/2018 06:09

A pp has said that she didn't want to know the sex of her baby, and was upset because the sonographer stayed around that area for ages.

Why, if you were so adamant not to know the sex, did you make sure you didn't look at the screen until the end, when I imagine the sonographer would've been more careful to show you your baby from the waist up?

The sonographer's job is purely to assess whether your child has any problems, and not to concern herself with worrying what you may see!

As for the OP, well I agree with everyone who thinks your post is highly insensitive.
Just thank your lucky stars your baby is healthy! .... I would bet anyone, even your family and friends, who've had to listen to you whining like a 'special snowflake' over this, would think you're behaving like an absolutely selfish, entitled idiot.

Get over yourself and be grateful for what you do have.
Finally, don't report the sonographer. you'll just make yourself appear spiteful, and would make you look even more ridiculous than you probably did when you had to have a 'place to sit down'.

davidbyrneswhitesuit · 14/04/2018 06:51

The OP's choice of phrasing was very unfortunate (I know several friends who've had devastating news at the 20 week scan and had to terminate pregnancies then, so I have some idea of the toll that kind of news takes Sad).

However, I think it's a real issue if this sonography trainee can't do the scan and remember not to tell. IIRC, there are some hospitals where they are very keen not to tell patients because of cultural risk of abortion of unwanted girls.

Equally, sonographers will need to be able to hold back on communicating other information during a scan which needs further investigation/dealing with sensitively. I'm guessing this is all part of the training, but I'm not sure a trainee should be let loose on real patients if they haven't mastered this aspect. It might be worth raising formally with PALS so that you can ask for more detail of how it will be prevented from happening again, as the context might be more serious next time (I'd focus on that aspect in any PALS communication, rather then the "gender reveal").

AlbertaSimmons · 14/04/2018 07:42

Agree with davidbyrne that this speaks to other issues of competence and professionalism that may be more serious, especially as the clinician has done this before. However - the sex of your baby is never a surprise. It's either a boy or a girl, everyone knows that Hmm. It's only a question of when you find out, not whether you find out and there are lots of circumstances in which you won't give a final push, your husband will scoop up the baby and declare "Oh well done darling, it's a boy/girl".

runningoutofjuice · 14/04/2018 08:01

Are they actually called 'gender' reveals?

keepingbees · 14/04/2018 08:10

We didn't want to know the sex at our 20 week scan, and although we weren't told, the sonographer made no effort to hide it and in fact repeatedly hovered over that area and we came away knowing. Yes it ruined the surprise but we never thought to cry or complain. I understand the disappointment but your baby being healthy really is the most important thing. And there's no knowing how your birth will go, your partner might not be able to be the one to reveal the sex you can't plan these things. Don't put so much emphasis on this, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and healthy baby.