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Original poster

Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

265 replies

CeeP · 13/04/2018 19:00

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

OP posts:
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Justanotherzombie · 14/04/2018 08:11

OP, it’s annoying she did that. It will take time to get the perspective that it really doesn’t matter.

LadyLancelot · 14/04/2018 08:11

You seriously need to get a grip. What on earth are you going to do if the birth isn't the magical "experience" you hoped for?

Fevs · 14/04/2018 08:23

Everyone’s response to this is going to be very different depending on their own personal experience so understandably I think some are quite upset by your dilemma.

It is a shame that she has told you this but in the grand scheme of things what she revealed to you could have been far far worse.

I would issue a complaint because part of her job is to be discreet and she hasn’t been. That does need to be addressed.

However in terms of your mental head space, now that youve had your time at being upset focus on the news that you have a healthy baby inside of you. You are very lucky, this is an extremely precious gift and look at the positives. You can buy specific clothes and focus on names for one sex and start really picturing your beautiful baby boy/girl.

I’ve had two babies, one the gender a surprise and one we found out and in all honesty knowing what you have when the baby is delivered really does not affect your experience. All you want is for the baby to be ok.

I would also be mindful about who you talk to about your disappointment as if it is someone who has experienced far worse news at their scan they may understandably get very upset.

Be happy and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Onceuponatimethen · 14/04/2018 08:25

Fevs I think that’s a very important point as many people still keep their miscarriages confidential

KalindaBlack · 14/04/2018 08:39

Wow some really harsh comments on here, and yes I've had miscarriages too which are devastating and can sympathise with the critics too.

Op the sonography was really in the wrong, you told her twice, when once was enough, that you did not want to know the sex. You are perfectly well within your rights to be upset. Now these things can be wrong, make your complaint, and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy Thanks

bastardkitty · 14/04/2018 08:44

I'm sorry people wrote horrendous comments on your thread OP. That was wholly inappropriate behaviour for a healthcare professional. I haven't read the thread because of the horrible comments, but please do make a full written complaint detailing how clearly you stated that you did not want to know the gender and also your efforts to stop her telling you, which she ignored. Good luck with your pregnancy.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 14/04/2018 08:56

*When you say blurted out, did she say "it's a girl/boy" or was she just using gender specific pronouns?
If the latter that may just be habit, my friend's sonographer said "he" repeatedly ( as opposed to saying "it") and it was a girl. *

^^
This.

With ds2 I didn't want to know the sex but due to problems in the pregnancy I was scanned twice a week from 25 weeks onwards. At one of the scans the sonographer said "he's growing really well". I then said "so it's a boy?" And she responded that she herself had sons and called every baby "he" out of habit. I didn't really believe her and my baby indeed turned out to be a boy. Was I cross with her? No, I recognised how hard it must be to see the sex but not mention it. I also appreciated that the scans were to check that my baby was doing fine. It didn't occur to me to complain.

Your baby is healthy and that's the main thing op.

allthatmalarkey · 14/04/2018 09:04

I totally understand why you're upset and I do think you should formally complain. However, I think it's a little unrealistic to think you can have so much control over the process of childbirth that you can be sure your partner will the one to tell you your baby's sex. So many things can happen. 1 in 300 babies have an intersex condition. You have a 1 in 8 chance of an emergency c-section and more than a 1 in 3 chance of a theatre delivery. After 24 weeks, 1 in 170 babies are stillborn, although a healthy scan for your baby brings this chance right down (at 40 weeks the chances are still something like 1 in 400). I'm not trying to scare you, but perhaps try to see this a little less ideally. If you have a second baby you'll laugh at how perfectionist you're being about this.

Chunkamatic · 14/04/2018 09:25

This happened to us. Was a bit annoyed but soon over it, after all you find out in the end!!! If baby is healthy and there's no concerns then that's what you need to focus on

PinkAvocado · 14/04/2018 10:01

Those saying the OP should make a complaint...she has already!

spicerack · 14/04/2018 10:11

@SemperIdem it's not a non issue for the OP though, is it? You can't dictate wether someone is allowed to be upset or not.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 14/04/2018 10:17

It's not the end of the world - better a 'oh he is doing fine' than 'ohhh - I need to go and get my boss to take a look at this (sympathetic look as they back out of the room).

Focus on the baby not your own hurt feelings. It really doesn't make any difference to your baby does it?

If you are like this now how are you going to feel when people tell you that they don't like your baby's name, or think she's not pretty /fat/skinny, argue about your choice to vax/breastfeed or not...

Really life is too short for all that.

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 13:22

Get over yourself. You’ve got a healthy baby. Unlike many desperate women out there.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/04/2018 13:23

The infertility boards are where people have real problems.

I agree - although try telling that to the people of Syria.

Every thing is relative.

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 13:26

An ectopic ruined my first pregnacy. I also nearly died from internal bleeding. I remember crying in little rooms too.

I wish my worst problem was knowing the ‘gender’.

Oh and by the way the word you are looking for is sex, not gender.

bastardkitty · 14/04/2018 13:57

Why do people think it's okay to do this? Do people come on the fertility boards and say 'why are you moaning about not being able to have a baby - I'm terminally ill'. I really hope not.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 14/04/2018 14:02

Because in the great scheme if things, its just not something to be wailing and gnashing your teeth about.

AskBasil · 14/04/2018 14:08

OP you're entitled to be upset. Just because other people have worse problems, doesn't mean you're not allowed to care about your own smaller problems.

What's awful about the HCP's behaviour, is that it's not the first time she's done it - that strikes me as being very strange, either malicious or so paranaoid that she'll screw it up again, that she screws it up again IYSWIM. If it's the latter then I feel a bit sorry for her as well tbh.

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 14:14

I think it’s useful for OP to know that others have it worse - it makes her realise that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter.

Woman die in pregnacy, I feel lucky that I survived and because of this knowledge I try not to make such a drama of what happened to me.

RLOU88 · 14/04/2018 14:19

I’m sorry your disappointed in the service you received, but the outcome would remain the same. You have a healthy baby girl/boy (didn’t read whole thread). Just be lucky to receive the service and great care we get given throughout pregnancy in this county. I do think that “finding a quiet room to sit in” is a bit ott
Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly

AskBasil · 14/04/2018 15:08

" think it’s useful for OP to know that others have it worse "

Really? What makes you think the OP isn't already aware of that?

I start from the premise that everyone is an adult and therefore fully aware that other people have problems I don't have. They don't need me to lecture them like some self-righteous prefect. They know that others have it worse and that sometimes makes them feel even worse about the fact that they're upset.

It is absolutely OK to be upset by something that isn't as bad as something else. It is not necessary to lecture grown adults that some people are worse off.

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:12

AskBasil I think it was the way she was overreacting to what happened.

What happened to her is irritating - it’s not a cause to be lead in to a special quiet room because she’s so distraught

mellowyellow2018 · 14/04/2018 15:13

She must be a deeply unhappy person if she gets so upset by little things like this

SpaceDinosaur · 14/04/2018 15:23

For all the other posters and women who have had devastating news at your 20 week scans, I feel for you. I am so so sorry for your losses and shocks.

Yes, the OP has been very very fortunate that the scan revealed a healthy baby.

But a medical professional went against her express wishes. These wishes were expressed not once but twice.
Revealing the baby's sex is absolutely nothing to do with the reason for the scan.

Sounds to me like this sonographer is on some kind of power trip.

If you asked someone to not do something twice and they did it anyway, you'd be hacked off too.

I would complain. Verbally, in writing and to PALS. Disregarding a patients express wishes for no medical purpose is a red fag offence. And to those who say "don't ruin someone's career" of this person doesn't have the intellect listen attention to a patient's wishes and to keep their gob shut then perhaps they're in the wrong job.

Congratulations on your baby OP.
You needn't tell anyone what you're having, it can still be a surprise for the family and friends.
Your DH can be there for many of your baby's firsts. Give him the first nappies to change 😘

Enjoy your pregnancy

RD15 · 14/04/2018 15:25

I agree with you @AskBasil. Perhaps the OP could have worded her post a little better, but I think it’s really unfair for people to try and make her feel bad by saying that they or others they know have had far worse problems. If we all lived like that, none of us would ever be justified about being upset about anything, as there is always someone who has had a worse problem than you. Everything is relative. We live in a developed country, with the NHS, where we (for the most part) receive great healthcare. Women in underdeveloped countries often don’t have scans and access to comprehensive maternity care, and therefore don’t get the chance to make an informed decision about their pregnancies. Does that mean that women who get bad news at their 20 week scan don’t have a right to be upset because women in other countries have it worse?

I think this thread has become unnecessarily nasty at times. It was clear what the post was about from the off.

In spite of that, I was very sorry to read some of the truly tragic things that have happened to people.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well OP.