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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

265 replies

CeeP · 13/04/2018 19:00

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

OP posts:

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Rockandrollwithit · 13/04/2018 20:28

Congraulations on your healthy baby OP.

I mean this in the nicest possible way - please try to see this in perspective. It's not the end of the world. My second pregnancy resulted in a critically ill baby who needed surgery and was blue lighted 100 miles away. He will live with the effects of this for the rest of his life.

Your pregnancy is not 'ruined'.

SparklyMagpie · 13/04/2018 20:30

I would be miffed but complete overreaction
I just still can't get my head around you both needing a quiet room!! I actually think that's appalling you'd been given one! Considering what those rooms are used for...for mothers and fathers who have received news that I am so greatful I wasn't given with DS

If I'd just received devastating news,I'd be the one complaining at the fact you got one for being told the gender of your healthy baby

ToothTrauma · 13/04/2018 20:31

Mate. Your whole pregnancy is ruined? Get a grip.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 13/04/2018 20:34

Congratulations on your healthy baby.

That's amazing news to get at an anomaly scan.

You really need to focus on the important things, like your baby being healthy, and forget about the slip up which you won't remember or care about this time next year.

liquidrevolution · 13/04/2018 20:39

What's done is done and can't be taken back. Yes report just so it doesn't happen again. There are worse things to hear at a scan but I can understand why you are upset. You will get over it though.

In the meantime why not keep it to yourself and your DH and then you can both have the fun job of announcing to grandparents etc after the baby is safely here.

If it helps we did not find out but when it cames to DHs turn to announce he said it was a boy when actually we had a DD. He literally had one job...

Chardonnay73 · 13/04/2018 20:43

I get that you're upset. But you must realise that pregnancy and birth cannot be controlled and it's not always going to be like you thought it would be.
I had DS1 under GA as I had an EMCS.
I will never get over the fact I didn't see my first child being born.
But he was healthy and that's all that mattered.
I promise you OP, you will look back on this and give your own head a wobble!! It really is trivial in the whole pregnancy/birth experience.

shakeyourcaboose · 13/04/2018 20:45

And clear out of the bad news room in case someone who actually has received bad news needs it this

AnUtterIdiot · 13/04/2018 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toasterstrudle · 13/04/2018 20:47

That's a shame, I'm sorry that happened to you and that it's happened before, you were right to complain. Her attitude sounds terrible.

I don't think it's right that people are telling you to get a grip or telling you to count your blessings. The thread title clearly states what this is about so the op hasn't misled anyone. I am truly sorry for everyone who's had horrible news at the 20 week scan though.

Also, op I do think this is disappointing, but try not to see it as devastating. You're having a healthy little boy or girl, the biggest surprise will be when you meet your baby for the first time. I knew we were having a boy and it was still wonderful.

YassQueen · 13/04/2018 20:53

I think people are focusing too much on the gender reveal aspect (there's always some weird debate between find out and don't find out on MN which is baffling, just do what you want and let others do what they want ) and not enough on the real issue.

A health care worker ignored a request by a patient, not for the first time, either deliberately or accidentally but either way, showing unwillingness/inability to listen to the patient's wants and needs.

Will she say "Ooh that's a massive tumour?" to someone having a scan on their ovaries etc? Or "Wow, I don't like the look of that shadow" to someone having a lung x-ray for a chest infection? Would she be able to stop herself from "blurting out" insensitively if a pregnancy scan revealed missed miscarriage or a fetal abnormality?

If she can't stop herself from blurting things out when she is supposed to be acting in a professional capacity, it is absolutely right for the OP to speak to PALS. More training is clearly needed for that trainee before she "slips up" on something more dire than the sex of a baby.

Neptunesgiraffe · 13/04/2018 20:54

I was told quite a bit earlier than 20 weeks. I wasn't expecting to find out as I thought it was too early and I hadn't even thought about if I wanted to know.

I felt a bit meh for the whole evening. Mostly because I hadnt felt thrilled when the doctor told me. I've no idea why I reacted like that.

And then, the following day I was sooo excited! You'll be excited too if you let yourself!

Atticusss · 13/04/2018 20:54

Wow, you are being really harshly attacked here. Just because you weren't given bad news doesn't invalidate the seriousness of this incident.

Did it seem to be an accident? We're they instantly remorseful? If it didn't seem like an accident and they deliberately disregarded you, you still don't know the sex of your baby. Someone who does that could easily be playing mind games with you.

In my last pregnancy, the sonographer accidentally said 'he/she' moments after telling us to look away. Then awkwardly corrected herself. So I felt it was given away also, but I didn't really know for sure.

Caspiana · 13/04/2018 21:00

I mean, it’s not great on her part but I do have to agree it’s not the end of the world. I want a surprise but am having to have weekly scans due to concerns about the pregnancy. I close my eyes during the scan and say to the sonographer that I want the scan to go well but that if they remember, I’d appreciate them not mentioning the sex. I’m more worried about them focussing on the scan than stressing about accidentally saying he or she.

If it was deliberate by this sonograoher then that is unprofessional, but far more likely is it slipped out.

MrsTylerJoseph · 13/04/2018 21:02

I do think what happened was shit but the manager has said she’s going to deal with it. I’m sure the trainee will get whatever action the manager feels necessary. A pals complaint will make no difference to this.

MrsTylerJoseph · 13/04/2018 21:04

Do you think she did ignore your request though?

Ie; did she say “it’s a boy/girl”

Or did she say something like “he has all his toes”.

Massive difference.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 13/04/2018 21:04

The OP is literally not going to survive the rest of her pregnancy if she has a meltdown requiring the use of the "quiet room" because her fantasy of the "finding out moment" didn't come off. She's already raised the issue of the woman's professionalism; what's the point of doing it again? Whereas having a rigid, elaborate fantasy about how any aspect of your pregnancy and childbearing is going to go is a recipe for disaster. For her own good, she needs to get a serious grip.

isadoradancing123 · 13/04/2018 21:04

I agree with the majority of posters, however she went against your express wishes and should be spoken to about this

Chickpearocker · 13/04/2018 21:08

This is like a red rag to a bull.

PoshPenny · 13/04/2018 21:09

I think your reaction is a bit ridiculous frankly OP. You sound like a spoilt brat. If that's the only thing "wrong" at your scan, then you need to get a grip.

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/04/2018 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NukaColaGirl · 13/04/2018 21:10

Yes the sonographer cocked up and yes it’s not good that it’s not the first time, but...

Devastated? Really? Get a grip.

I sobbed after my 20 week scan with my second baby. As it happens that child is now almost 10, but only by the skin of her teeth. I took that walk a further two times with subsequent pregnancies that I miscarried.

Scans with my fifth and sixth pregnancies that resulted in DCs 3/4 and witnessing other women go into the same room that I did was devastating because I knew exactly how they felt and I was petrified of having to take that walk again myself.

M0reGinPlease · 13/04/2018 21:12

And clear out of the bad news room in case someone who actually has received bad news needs it this

She said 'somewhere quiet to sit'. Don't jump to conclusions.

Enough OP bashing on this thread already.

Pixie2015 · 13/04/2018 21:13

You will get an amazing surprise when your baby is born - a lot have us have had terrible scans with devastating outcomes that will never leave us hopefully you will be able to smile when your baby is born.

TokyoSushi · 13/04/2018 21:15

So, what are you having then?! You might as well tell us now you know!

Smellyjo · 13/04/2018 21:17

I doubt the op will be back after how she has been spoken to here

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