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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Scan Gender reveal after asking not to be told

265 replies

CeeP · 13/04/2018 19:00

Hi All, sorry if this is long but I am just so upset.

My partner and I went for our 20 week scan today. We were shown into a room by a lady who said she was a trainee, asked us if that was ok, said the department manager would check at the end. She then said she could tell us the gender if we wanted to know. We said absolutely not, we are very keen for a surprise etc.

She then proceeds to scan, and starts to get to the area where she can tell, we ask her again to please not tell us. Then she just blurted out the sex! I just burst into tears and asked her why on Earth she said that? She then tried back tracking saying it’s not always accurate etc.

We left the room then and went and spoke to the receptionist, who was very respectful and went out of her way to give us somewhere quiet to sit, and went and got the manger who finished the scan.

The manager then mentions that it’s not the first time this lady has done this and she will be spoken to again.
I feel I want to take it further to avoid this happening to anyone else.

I feel as if my whole experience of my first pregnancy has been ruined. I really wanted my partner to be the one to tell me what our child was, and am gutted this special moment has been taken from us.

Has anyone else had a similar experience and did you take it any further?

OP posts:

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eggcellent · 13/04/2018 19:54

How did she manage to blurt it out after being reprimanded for doing the same thing to someone else? What an idiot.

Smellyjo · 13/04/2018 19:55

I am shocked at the angry responses you are getting. Of course everyone does not share your feelings and that you could have had so much worse news at that scan like some of pps have had, but this person has taken an experience from you without your consent and it sounds like that felt violating to you. Of course complain if you want to. I'm sure like others have said that you will enjoy your baby no less. People who are angry at op having these feelings- I am very sorry for your losses, but this post is about op's feelings. She is allowed to have them and express them without being vilified.

MrsGloop · 13/04/2018 19:57

I understand entirely, OP, I’d have been crushed as well.

greendale17 · 13/04/2018 20:01

So you want to potentially ruin someone's career because she ruined your surprise?! Grow up OP.

^Completey agree. No need whatsoever to complain to PALS either.

riddles26 · 13/04/2018 20:01

To be fair to the OP the title is v clear as to what she is upset by and a professional clearly went against their wishes (and surely it’s not that hard not to say)

As someone who has suffered with infertility and loss, I couldn't agree with this more. If she had written devastating scan as the title then gone on to write about gender revelation, I would join the majority to condemn her but she has made it very clear what she is upset about.

The sonographer was unprofessional without a doubt. If someone has requested more than once that they do not want to know, then they should examine the genatilia without commenting further. As HCPs, there are lots of occasions when we know something and can't comment for various reasons, we don't all go blurting it out. If we did, repercussions would be unthinkable. As it's not the first time it's happened, the individual should be pulled up and made accountable for their mistakes

OP, write your complaint to PALs then let go and move on. Leave the hospital to deal with the rest. Focus on the fact that you have a healthy baby who is developing normally and enjoy the pregnancy. Congratulations

Notonthestairs · 13/04/2018 20:01

I think people are reacting angrily because the Op has said that this has spoilt the whole of this pregnancy - which IS an over reaction.

I do appreciate that the news wasn't broken to you as you'd have liked but try to put it to one side and enjoy looking forward to your future Op. There are, I hope, many amazing moments ahead of you and your family.

to all those that have experienced terrible news at scans.

TheImprobableGirl · 13/04/2018 20:03

yes smellyjo she is entitled to have experiences and feelings

the poor person conducting the ultrasound was spending a thorough amount of time checking the organs, checking the extremities, checking the genitals and mentioned that the baby was one gender or another. The OP makes no mention that her baby is healthy, makes no mention of what a GOOD JOB the ultrasound technician was doing in looking at the ultrasound so closely that - yes - she may have accidentally blurted out some information that the OP did not want to hear.

And now the OP's pregnancy is RUINED, RUINED?!? For knowing your baby is one sex or another? Ruined by being told her baby is HEALTHY??! Yes she is entitled to her feelings, as I am also entitled to tell her to get a fucking grip

UrgentExitRequired · 13/04/2018 20:03

I get that what happened is annoying, but I think you need to chill a little bit. I agree that what she did was wrong but nothing can be done now, just try and calm down. I'm not sure about taking it further either, I think that is a waste of your energy.

PinkAvocado · 13/04/2018 20:03

But why contact PALS if she has already complained?

antixboxwife · 13/04/2018 20:04

Similar situation happened to me with my now 11 month old. I went by myself to the scan and when the sonographer asked if I wanted to know the sex I told her I wasn't sure and to put it in an envelope and if I wanted to know, my partner and I could look at it together ((I was in the US, him in the UK). Afterwards I took photos of the scans on my phone to send him and she had written female in grey font on one of the photos and I didn't realize until I had zoomed in. I was a bit disappointed that I found out sitting at my desk at work but I l loved knowing that I was carrying a little girl. I definitely feel like it helped me bond more with her. Like other people have said, be thankful you have a healthy baby, and now you can buy cute outfits instead of all the greys and yellows!

Onceuponatimethen · 13/04/2018 20:05

Anti that’s a bit similar to how I found out - very weird isn’t it!!

PerfectPenquins · 13/04/2018 20:06

I can’t believe you left the room and cried ffs you sound like such a drama lama. So what your baby’s sex was exposed you don’t even know for certain as some do get it wrong. Focous on the fact your baby is healthy and stop with the ridiculous drama.

Bluebirdsky · 13/04/2018 20:07

I can completely understand why you would be upset; you had expressed your wishes and they should have been respected.
However you have complained to the manager who has told you it will be followed up with the trainee is there really a need to take it further?
Try to focus on the positives from the day and that is you have a healthy baby that you got to see on the screen and maybe wait a few days to see if your feelings change before making any definite decisions about taking it further.

FairfaxAikman · 13/04/2018 20:07

When you say blurted out, did she say "it's a girl/boy" or was she just using gender specific pronouns?
If the latter that may just be habit, my friend's sonographer said "he" repeatedly ( as opposed to saying "it") and it was a girl.

That said I do think your OP is a hyperbole. Annoying or disappointing but to say it's "ruined the whole pregnancy" is massively insensitive to those who have had bad news.
At the end of the day you can still look forward to finding out what your baby is like as a person - they are not the sum total of their genitals.

Amazingalice · 13/04/2018 20:08

Do you think she did it deliberately op? Or like she blurted it out and was genuinely sorry about saying it.
It seems odd her manager said she’s done it more than once.

TheImprobableGirl · 13/04/2018 20:09

Although you did say first pregnancy, so maybe your new surprise could be how much contractions really hurt? HTH :)

SparklyMagpie · 13/04/2018 20:11

"But OP I think take a moment to mourn the loss of your partner telling you and move on with the rest of your pregnancy"

Mourn the loss of her partner telling her the sex of her baby?

Seriously, after all the posts on here about mothers having genuinely heartbreaking news at their scans, I think coming out with that comment is out of order!!

OP has nothing to mourn!!

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 13/04/2018 20:13

Fgs, it's not like you weren't going to find out anyway. It's unfortunate, but you've said your piece already. Let it go.

Pregnancy and birth are fundamentally not controllable experiences and this is not the last thing that will not go the way you visualised. Learn to let it go now. I planned a homebirth for my second and ended up with a heavily medicalised, high risk induction. Shit happens.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2018 20:13

To be fair sonographers need to be sensitive and respect patient wishes. Blurting it out is unprofessional.

The OP is OTT but her complaint is correct

PurpleSnails · 13/04/2018 20:15

What she did was wrong (and really weird) but your reaction was massively OTT. It's upsetting if something doesn't go the way you want it to during your pregnancy but it's really not the end of the world. Some people get real bad news at the 20 week scan ...

twer · 13/04/2018 20:15

Yes would be interested to know if the sonographer actually said "it's a boy/girl" or if they just slipped in a "he" at some point.

However, not sure Op will be back to fill us in on the details now

YorkieDorkie · 13/04/2018 20:17

Congratulations on your healthy baby OP. Your pregnancy has not been ruined, your ego has. Now enjoy the rest of it for goodness sake!

Grandmaswagsbag · 13/04/2018 20:20

It must be really hard for sonographers not to accidentally refer to the baby as he/she if they know. I’m sure this must happen quite often. Your reaction was OTT. Just be thankful that you have a healthy baby and free healthcare.

Isadora2007 · 13/04/2018 20:23

Fourth baby and I’d “had a surprise” with the other 3 so had dutifully waited to find out this one as well. Reach 38 weeks and midwife says she thinks baby is breech. Young guy with portable scanner pops in, gel on top of bump, scanner on... says “yup- he’s definitely bottom up!”
🙄
I didn’t tell anyone else as I pretended like he maybe said “he” out of habit rather than he because he clearly just had a clear view of my baby boys scrotum!

There are far far worse things that actually ruin a pregnancy than finding out baby’s sex. I really hope you don’t ever experience them OP.

firsttimebabybirther · 13/04/2018 20:24

The 20 week scan , as pointed out by previous posters , is a very important health check not about the babies sex so it probably wasn't top of her priority list as a trainee.

A very minor problem in comparison to other posters but I needed one of those quiet rooms due to some bad news at 20 weeks and I'm really quite angry that they're given to people who found out the gender of their baby?

I totally get some people make a big deal out of the gender but in reality , there is only two outcomes , so how important can not knowing really be ? If this ruins your pregnancy I think you maybe need to evaluate your priorities.

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