Pressure to breastfeed.

[Kitcat159]

This is prob going to cause arguments but I'm just looking for some actually advise....
I don't want to breastfeed. I never have. I have discussed my reasons with my husband and he is happy with my decision.

My mum however is constantly pressuring me to breastfeed.

I still don't want to BF but as a compromise, what about if I express for the first couple of weeks?

I don't know how that would work in the hospital tho. Will I be pressured to BF?
I don't know if it would be appropriate to want to express in the hospital?
Should I just stick to my guns and bottle feed instead?

The midwife said someone will help me to breastfeed and when I said I am going to bottle feed she said they will send someone to help me BF anyway. Feel a bit pressured.

Is expressing from the word go an option?

Fed is best. Do what you want it is your body. My son also failed to thrive after EBF. Much happier baby and Mum after I stopped fighting. It was exhausting, I tried for weeks and weeks - way, way too long and baby was distressed almost all of the time. If breast feeding works for you, great, the milk is best for baby, but if not, for whatever reason, you should not be criticised for it. Your body, your baby. It's no one else's business.

EVERY medical prof I came into contact with was BF obsessed. Had all the mixed advice, baby being shoved onto my boob. The whole experience was horrific tbh. So he prepared to be assertive and insistent. Multiple times.

@Grandmaswagsbag but it’s attitudes like that that are the problem. It was a “beautiful experience” FOR YOU. For others, it’s a crushing, PND inducing, heartbreaking failure, and it’s important to recognise that. My mother tried to persuade me otherwise too and vulnerable as I was having just given birth, coupled with the fact I had really wanted to BF, I pushed on doggedly for weeks with both my son and I in utter misery. It is your place as a mother to support what your daughter wants, not to push her into something she isn’t comfortable with.

Just keep stating your decision to formula feed to any HCP that asks you. Refer them to what's written in your notes if necessary. HCP that haven't met you before might assume that you intend to try to breastfeed, as about 80% of women intend to breastfeed to some degree, even if for one or two feeds. But of course that means that 20% of women don't breastfeed at all, and give formula from birth. By 6 weeks most women are either mixed feeding or fully formula feeding and this increases to nearly all women by 6 months. So you will be in a majority of women who use formula. It's very very typical, so don't worry about people judging you, in real life anyway.

Your body your decision.

Don’t let anyone pressure you otherwise, what makes mum happy, makes the baby happy.

You are absolutely right, fed is always always always best.

@Grandmaswagsbag but it’s attitudes like that that are the problem. It was a “beautiful experience” FOR YOU. For others, it’s a crushing, PND inducing, heartbreaking failure,

Sorry, I didn’t even make the original comment either, before you accuse me of giving my daughter pnd (she’s currently 3) but that is my viewpoint so I can sympathise with where the OPS mum is coming from. It’s attitudes that everyone struggles and breastfeeding will be unpleasant that causes lots of women to have zero belief in their own bodies and miss out on what can be an amazing part of motherhood. Women who have family support are far more likely to manage to breastfeed. Sadly IRL the overwhelming majority of women I know have had pressure form family to FF. you can harp on all you like about the ‘breastapo’ giving women depression but outside of a few medical professionals it doesn’t translate to RL at all, given the vast majority of babies are ff.

Thanks for explaining grandma. Do you not really think though that it wouldn’t be any of your business really?

Yes because we all just stop worrying and being involved with our children’s life choices once they’re 18 don’t we? I’d want the best for my daughter, and as I loved breastfeeding it was definitely the best choice for me and her.

Just say no, you don’t want to. You will be in a significant majority in this country anyway.

Try to avoid getting yourself into a mind set where anyone even suggesting you try starts to feel like pressure. Some women who do want to bf and don’t manage to feel they have been let down by lack of support - it can be a bit of a tight rope for HCPs. So just quietly and firmly say to anyone that asks “No thank you, I’m bottle feeding”

And maybe a bit less quiet with your mother. If she has called you a “disgrace” I would tell her to bugger off and leave you alone.

@bobstersmum I asked my Midwife this in the depths of despair when DD was about a week old (bleeding nipples, thrush, tongue tied baby) and she gently told me it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I gave her a bottle. She said women who wouldn’t or couldn’t BF would have to just watch their babies die, it was certified as a failure to thrive. She told me what a wonderful thing formula is for lowering infant mortality rate. It really did give me a bit of perspective when I needed it most. We combi fed DD for a little while then but I did eventually go back to mainly EBF and still am now, but I have no qualms about DH giving her formula if I’m out or in the bath or whatever and she needs a feed. OP once I relaxed to all the options, and realised it was totally up to me, I bonded so much more with DD because I was happier. The old saying “happy Mum, happy baby” was really true for me. I just do a bit of all the feeding options and it works for me.

Your decision OP. Do not feel pressured into bf if you don’t want to. You will be tired, emotional and uncomfortable so why add pressure to express to your worries?

She told me what a wonderful thing formula is for lowering infant mortality rate.

Sorry but this is a bit shortsighted. In the U.K. formula is a satisfactory substitute, however it would be nice if parents didn’t have to pay criminal amounts for a cheap product simply or they can be marketed to more parents, but that’s another thread. Worldwide formula use increases infant mortality. Estimates are about 1 million children die per year due to unsafe formula use. Please let’s not forget this and turn a blind eye to unethical marketing practices just becasue it doesn’t effect us here.

We women give each other and ourselves a hard time...in everything. Do what you trying is right. People with strong opinions on formula or bf need to back off. Having a newborn is tough enough without judgement, criticism and lectures.

I didn’t know this @grandmasswagbag, not trying to perpetuate false info, just repeating what a Midwife told me (although I know they don’t always get it right.) I was so shocked that BF wasn’t as easy as I imagined, and mortified at the idea of giving DD formula. So when the Midwife reassured me it would be ok it was such a relief. I think the gist of my post was we are lucky it exists and I guess she meant the rate in the U.K. not worldwide?

Ps sorry to go off topic OP. Maybe show your mum this thread and the support you’ve had from total strangers! She might see how pushy she is being x

It doesn’t matter how much you love your daughters and grandchildren, as a grandmother you have to step away from interfering. You did it your way and now your off spring are adults. you have to remember that and let them get on with it.

Icky I get that but being 100% honest If my own dd said to me I ‘don’t want to breastfeed’ I wouldn’t just smile and say ‘ok then dear good for you’. I’d want to discuss her viewpoint and reasonings. I wouldn’t call her a disgrace but I’d probably try to influence her choices, yes. IME you need advice more than ever from your mum when you’re a new mum yourself. I hope I have a similar relationship with my dd as I have with my mum! She voices plenty of opinions and I don’t mind in the least, if I’m 100% comfortable with my parenting choices I’ll simply argue my POV, if I’m pondering her Imput is valued. No one falls out or gets upset but perhaps we are very lucky in our relationship.

You have a lot to learn Grandma

Yes because we all just stop worrying and being involved with our children’s life choices once they’re 18 don’t we?

You might not stop worrying, but you certainly should stop being “involved” once your kids are adults. Giving advice and offering opinions is one thing but trying to pressurise and steer grown adults towards a decision you’d prefer them to take isn’t really on IMO.

I'm sorry but all this nonsense about breastfeeding being a wonderful.experience that you wouldn't want your offspring to miss out on is, in many cases, nonsense.
You don't create some magical bond woth your child because he's breastfed. It's there because he's your baby and you adore him. It's no less magical gazing into your daughters eyes whilst you feed her a bottle than it is when you're breastfeeding her.
I feel so strongly about this. I did develop PND after not being able to feed my son. This was mostly down to my own guilt inside of me but I can tell you that the judgemental people I met at mothers groups or in the Facebook group I had joined when I was struggling to BF did not help.
Formula is great stuff, the formula companies are unethical and it's a shame the industry isn't looked after better but in the UK, where we have access to good hygiene it does a great job. My son was dropping centiles at an alarming rate and was a miserable baby. Formula allowed him to thrive. Using language like "adequate" makes mothers feel like they've failed their children and they haven't. People need to be less clumsy with their language when discussing potentially triggering subjects.
My girls have been breastfed from the word go, we lived in an area with much better BFing support for their births and it has been a success. We've saved a fortune and I don't have to sterilize tonnes of bottles a day or worry about supplies when we go out. Those are major benefits but it's not an amazing loving experience that my son has missed out on. Loving and nurturing them all has been wonderful regardless of feeding methods.

I have no intention of even trying to breastfeed. I have my reasons and anyone that tries to tell me otherwise will get a very sharp response. I really don't care how anyone else births or feed their babies so long as it is done with love.

I have had enough of women bullying and picking on each other over these issues. Plus I don't appreciate backhanded complements such as "well, breast is best but I totally respect your choice". If you can't think of anything nice to say then don't say it. The same goes for judgements against breast feeding mothers.

So please everyone, lets change the tide on this. Lets love and respect everyone and stop these issues dividing us as women. Together we are stronger.

I think it's wonderful that some people have a magical experience breastfeeding but that's not the case for everyone.

I had an easy breastfeeding journey from a physical perspective. Ds went from the 19th percentile at birth to the 50th very quickly on my milk alone. Despite having a fairly dubious arrival, he latched as soon as he was given access. We managed to keep going through a NICU stay including time in an incubator and as he got that little bit older he'd stare up at my face for hours whilst feeding.

On the other hand, I found it repulsive, revolting and disgusting. I felt physically sick every time he latched. I began to resent and hate him especially when he wanted to comfort feed for 6 hours at a time. I asked (begged) for help from the midwives, the health visitor, the GP, the peer supporters... it will be get better they said. It didn't, it got worse. When we reached the 3 month mark and I'd ignore him crying for food for the first few minutes, then hate myself even more, dh went out and bought formula.

Between having him and getting pregnant with this baby, I looked for answers and no one could give me one other than "try, it might be okay" and "you can't have given ds breastmilk but not give this one any".

Based on that and the fact that formula made no difference to ds, this baby will be formula fed from birth.

My friends feed their babies in a mix of ways, one is still breastfeeding a 4 year old, others breastfed to 18-24 months, some combo feed, some express and others went to formula within days. They all had their reasons. Looking at the children you can't tell, not even whose child was re-admitted to hospital having lost over 25 percent of their birth weight because their mum wasn't producing any milk.

I'm sorry but all this nonsense about breastfeeding being a wonderful.experience that you wouldn't want your offspring to miss out on is, in many cases, nonsense.
You don't create some magical bond woth your child because he's breastfed. It's there because he's your baby and you adore him.

In my case it’s certainly not nonsense. I didn’t bond with my baby for several weeks to the point that I felt I’d made a big mistake in having her. I can say with 100% certainty if I hadn’t b/f I would have found it much much harder. I could physically feel the oxytocin rushing through me with every feed and with every early feed I ‘loved’ my baby more. It’s amazing the tricks nature has up its sleeves. And very few people actually make the effort to make bottle feeding akin to breast after the early days, normally as soon as a baby can hold it themselves their left to it. At least that’s what I’ve witnessed. Why on earth am I not allowed to say breastfeeding was magic for me if everyone who hated it is allowed to say that all over this forum? It a valid a pint as any. Of course I’ll be imparting my experiences with all my children if they have their own kids one day.

Worldwide formula use increases infant mortality. Estimates are about 1 million children die per year due to unsafe formula use

Where did you get that information from Grandma

Why on earth am I not allowed to say breastfeeding was magic for me if everyone who hated it is allowed to say that all over this forum

You're allowed to say it. It was magical for me too.

Neither of as are allowed to assume it will be magical for everyone else however, nor to try and persuade other women to do it when they don't want to.

@Grandmaswagsbag You can think and feel whatever you like. The point people are trying to make is that whilst it’s been magical FOR YOU, the same may not be the case for your DD, and you should let her make her own choices because believe me, I speak from experience, when you are exhausted and overwhelmed from giving birth, and terrified you aren’t doing things right, your mother trying enforce their point of view doesn’t lead to any kind of robust discussion at all - it makes you feel even more vulnerable and miserable. I’m sorry you didn’t bond with your baby straight away, and I’m glad you got there, and that you feel breastfeeding helped you to do so. I loved mine fiercely from the get-go even though I didn’t succeed with breastfeeding - the two things aren’t a direct correlation.

You really don't need to breast feed. How many Oxford graduates were breastfed? the 2 oldest men in the world at 110 - were they breast fed? Maybe but maybe not.

It seems breast is best but all babies get ill and although people are quick to say that if you'd breast fed 6 year old Johny he wouldn't have a cold now, it really doesn't make a difference.

As a food resource for the world it is free so we should use it. If women in rich countries are seen BF then third world or poor women in general might be more inclined to give it go.

It will be assumed you are breast feeding so make sure you and your support network know you don't want to. Read up on formula milk and make sure you take what you need into the hospital as they don't keep huge supplies.