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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My partner's not ready for kids yet

164 replies

Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 15:40

I feel really lost at the moment- like i dont have anyone to talk to about this.
i have been desperate for a baby for well over a year now- all my OH's friends and people we know are having babies/getting pregnant and this is so hard for me!
My OH isn't ready to be a dad yet, i understand but im just so depressed- i wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt so many people around us.
Feel like im suffering in silence as its between me and my partner- he hates talking about it because he sees how upset i get. i just cant help but feel horrible when our friends are talking about their babies/pregnancies.

To top it off, my OH's family are always asking when we're having a baby and there's always a lot of conversation surrounding that- makes me feel awful and makes it awkward for my partner.
I hate having to say to people that i dont want kids just to stop them from talking about it Sad

I've started to be weird about it all- i was addicted to buying pregnancy tests in the hope it'd come back positive- i've even bought baby booties! i'm obsessed and it's not healthy for either of us Sad all i do is watch baby hauls too, cant stop thinking about it.

I love my OH so much, i dont want it to come between us, i just can't cope with keeping it all inside.

any one get any ideas of how i can deal with this?

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 02/04/2018 15:52

How old are you OP? How old is your OH?

Are you married? If not is there any reason you're desperate to have a child first?

What do you both do for work? Are you building your careers/well established?

Are you financially ready for a child eg savings in case you lost your job and for maternity leave, in your own home.

Do you have other goals or aspirations eg travel, hobbies. Both you and OH.

Have you discussed a timeline with your partner for your life goals and what those goals are? Have you discussed how you will share and fund these plans?

HobnobBob · 02/04/2018 16:44

How long have you been there together? How old are you both? Does he want children at all or just not right now?

You can’t have a baby unless both of you are ready. Having a baby is lovely and wonderful but don’t underestimate actually how bloody hard and tiring it is. I wonder if you’re looking at your friends with rose tinted glasses. It’s a real test of a relationship and a total lifestyle change.

MrsGrindah · 02/04/2018 16:51

I think you know you are not behaving rationally. It’s so so much more than “ a baby”. You would be embarking on a lifetime commitment. Both of you have to be ready and actually your behaviour signals you aren’t ready. Work on your relationship first. Enjoying and valuing yourself for what you are , not fantasising about something that you are making sound like a possession.

BiologyMatters · 02/04/2018 16:55

He's right to wait until he's ready.

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 16:58

Yeah he’s right to wait if he’s no ready, it’s his life too x

sirlee66 · 02/04/2018 17:00

As PP's have asked:

  • How long have you been together?
  • How old are you both?
  • Do you have your own house together or are you living with parents etc?
  • Are you financially able / stable and have savings if you were both to lose your jobs?
  • Are you married /getting married, ensuring financial stability (assuming you will be taking time off your career to care for your child)
littledinosaurs · 02/04/2018 17:07

Your OH needs to be ready. Hopefully it's just a case of waiting and not that he doesn't want to? I would suggest throwing yourself into other hobbies and enjoying things you can't do with children - eg. any traveling you need to get out of your system?

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:32

@ClareB83

He's 25 and im 21. Before anyone comments on us being too young- i want to be a younger parent.
We're not married- and have both agreed we'd want children before marriage.
im very anxious about anyone i know tracing this back to me so i'll just confirm we're both in very stable jobs- im at management level.
We're finacially ready for a child.
I know my partner wants to go on a nice holiday but nothing major and nothing a baby would affect? It'd wouldnt be a holiday with me anyway as im terrified of flying!
My partner has said it's something he'll consider in the next few years.

I have no major issues with waiting- im just struggling dealing with social situations as it feel like everyone around me is pregnant- everyone on my facebook is pregnant!

@HobnobBob
We've been together for 5 years, im 21, he's 25
He does want children but he said ideally not until he's 30.

I'm not concerned about not having a baby right away- im just struggling with dealing with everyone else around me that is pregnant, have newborns etc.

@MrsGrindah
I'm asking for advice, im not asking for someone to tell me i'm not ready.
I'm literally just asking for any advice for dealing with my depression regarding pregnancy and newborns etc.

@Biologymatters and @ilikebread
i dont have an issue with him not being ready, my issue is myself!!!!!!

@sirlee66
I've answered some of these above. We have our own place, we've lived together for 4 years- not massively relevant to me though as my issue is myself and how i can personally deal with this! I'm ridiculously depressed. I would never in a million years force my partner into having a baby. i want help with dealing with the social situations i've been facing regarding pregnancies.

@littledinosaurs
i know he does- thats not my issue. i hate travelling! but thank you for the suggestion.

OP posts:
BiologyMatters · 02/04/2018 17:37

Good god 21! What's the rush!?

SomeKnobend · 02/04/2018 17:41

Why would you want children before marriage (apart from the fact that you want children ASAP so don't want to delay)? Getting married will mean that you will be legally protected if you lose out financially from having a child (eg you stop work for a bit and/or go part time at work). All the things you own as a couple will be joint assets and if you split you'll be entitled to a share of them. If you have a child and you're not married, you risk an awful lot financially.

At 25 I'm not surprised he feels he's not ready. Parenthood is really life changing and I don't know many 25 year old guys who would realistically be ready to be great parents and supportive partners to a new mum. Aside from that, tbh, it's difficult to envisage what you're in for - nobody is really ever ready until it happens, but give him a chance to get some of the way there at least!

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:41

@BiologyMatters
I'm an adult- there's absolutely nothing wrong with having children young. i have a good job and am completely able to provide for a child. my age is not a concern thank you

OP posts:
JessTessMess · 02/04/2018 17:43

You need to ask for a counselling referral as it sounds like it’s impacting your life. Your OH is completely rational not to want dc at 25, would it help if he committed to having them at 30? Otherwise maybe you need to split up and try and find someone that wants them sooner?

Most of my friends had kids between 33-38, those were the ages where every Facebook feed was a new bump/baby

BiologyMatters · 02/04/2018 17:46

You've got no idea how much a child will change your life. Nothing is ever the same again, for good or bad. Nobody really knows until they have them. Perhaps he's not the one for you if you want them now and he wants them in 5 years, and he wants to travel and you don't.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:47

@SomeKnobend
We'd both like to get married but it's not a must for either of us.

I understand that- it's just not important for either of us to get married right now, dont get me wrong we want to in the long run but it's not on a list of priorities right now.

I understand why he's not ready- i just dont want to be ready to have a meltdown everytime someone announces their pregnant or asks me when im having kids.

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 02/04/2018 17:49

You did ask for advice yes. And my advice is because of the way you are struggling it suggests you are not ready

sirlee66 · 02/04/2018 17:50

You're in a massively positive position to have a baby - congrats! You're already in a better position than lots of other couples.

On paper, you're ready. I can totally understand your frustration at waiting when you feel ready!!

Your boyfriend hasn't ruled children out. It seems he wants them but not until he's 30? Maybe clarify if that's when you start trying or that's the ideal time to have them for him? It can take up to 2 years for a healthy, young couple to conceive it did with me! I thought I'd get pregnant straight away but nope!

Until he's fully ready, I wouldn't rush him in fears of future resentment and years down the line, he may feel he was somewhat forced to 'grow up' when he could have been partying and going on holidays. I think things like that can contribute to a midlife crisis.

Hang on in there! You will be a Mum one day and you sound like you have your shit together and so will definitely be a fantastic Mum!

It will all be worth it in the end. Good luck!

zippey · 02/04/2018 17:51

Have a few years of fun, sow your oats, and start having children at 25. That’s still quite young.

greendale17 · 02/04/2018 17:51

You sound like you are obsessed with having a baby.

Stop pressuring your partner or find someone that does want kids now.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:51

@JessTessMess
Yeah probably, i just find it so embarrassing to talk about. My issue is that im struggling to cope with other people announcing pregnancies asking me when im having kids etc. I'm jealous, everything in my life is great and there's people in horrible relationship situations etc that are having children, and people who are falling pregnant by accident (these are all friends) and dont want kids, it's just not fair. I know im being ridiculous but thats why i want advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:52

@greendale17
i'm not pressuring him?
If you read my comments you'll see that i've clearly said my issue is my behaviour, not him. I appreciate he's not ready but i cant control my emotions when another one of our friends announcies their pregnancy etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:54

@zippey
I feel like this could be the root of it all- i've grown up too fast, i used to be a pain in the arse as an older teen but since i turned 18/19 i've slowed down and become an old woman! I just feel ready!

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 02/04/2018 17:54

As someone who had her first at 21years old I missed out massively in life. At that age your just finding your feet. I’m interested how you managed to get into management at such a young age. Why not enjoy your time together as a couple? You pretty much been in this relationship from the age of 16 which is nice but you never know what the future holds and I think your partner is sensible in waiting until your more mature. I noticed a big difference in when I was a parent to ds at 21 to being a mum at 26. Me and my ex split up due to the stresses of having a child so young he couldn’t handle being tied down so young and wanted to experience going on holidays and the freedom. He had his next child age 31 almost 10years later, it’s not a bad thing him wanting to wait.

NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 17:55

I am 27 and pregnant. I went through a phase like this when I was 18. I was desperate for a baby. I had also been with EXDP for 5 years by the time we split up eventually, and 5 years later I'm having a baby with a lovely partner, who is far better for me than my ex! I'm so glad I waited, but do understand your longing for a child. For me, it was an infatuation and looking back on it now I am SO glad I didn't go through with it.

You say you have been with DP since you were 16 and he was 20... if he wants to have kids at 30, you'll still be younger than me and I only just feel ready now!

I truly feel like this is infatuation for you. You cannot pressure him. Sadly these are things that require compromise and come 5 years I have a funny feeling you'll be happy you waited...

JessTessMess · 02/04/2018 17:58

I come from a large family where everyone had children young and for generations, we love children - but you have so much more to offer them if you get to the point that you are quite well off and secure career wise when you have them.

Babies are relatively inexpensive compared to teenagers and then there is the cost of university to consider.

Your OH isn’t ready, you need to find ways of dealing with it and tell people to stop asking you as it is not for a good while yet. You can easily end the questions, obviosoly your reaction is harder control.

How can you be jealous of friends in crappy relationships having accidental babies? It’s a bad start in life and a sad situation.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 17:58

@sirlee66

Thank you! i just can't help with the jealousy or being upset when i lie through my teeth saying i dont want kids for a while when people ask us Sad some of our friends that have just had babies/are pregnant are in awful relationship situations, dont wants kids, many other issues- makes me worse cos i feel so hard done to!

OP posts:
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