My partner's not ready for kids yet

[Tot0d1le666]

I feel really lost at the moment- like i dont have anyone to talk to about this.
i have been desperate for a baby for well over a year now- all my OH's friends and people we know are having babies/getting pregnant and this is so hard for me!
My OH isn't ready to be a dad yet, i understand but im just so depressed- i wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt so many people around us.
Feel like im suffering in silence as its between me and my partner- he hates talking about it because he sees how upset i get. i just cant help but feel horrible when our friends are talking about their babies/pregnancies.

To top it off, my OH's family are always asking when we're having a baby and there's always a lot of conversation surrounding that- makes me feel awful and makes it awkward for my partner.
I hate having to say to people that i dont want kids just to stop them from talking about it

I've started to be weird about it all- i was addicted to buying pregnancy tests in the hope it'd come back positive- i've even bought baby booties! i'm obsessed and it's not healthy for either of us all i do is watch baby hauls too, cant stop thinking about it.

I love my OH so much, i dont want it to come between us, i just can't cope with keeping it all inside.

any one get any ideas of how i can deal with this?

I totally had to google what a baby haul was.

The only advice anyone can really give you is firstly to tell your family that the time isn't right for you, and to please stop asking because it's upsetting you.

Then unfortunately you're just going to have to get your head around the fact yourself that the timing isn't right - you know you can't force your OH to change his mind, so it's just not going to happen right now. Try to find something else to focus your mind on, or else it's going to drive you crazy. I know it's easier said than done, but it'll make the fact that now isn't the right time easier to swallow if you can get your head straight. Focus on the things you can change (i.e. mindset) rather than the things you can't (your OH's wishes). Sometimes life is all about learning that you can't always get what you want, when you want it - it sucks but it's the way it is.

Stop focusing on how other people are living their lives as you're wasting your life doing that.

No one can really give you any more advice than that I'm afraid.

I don’t think this is a reaction to being desperate for a child, I think this is a reaction to your grief following your miscarriage.

I had two miscarriages last year and despite already having three DC, it made me unbelievably desperate for another child. I found myself beyond envious of pregnant women and women with newborns, sometimes I would burst into tears when I saw them or even baby clothes in stores. It was horrendous.

It sounds to me like you need counselling. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a child at 21 but this goes beyond ‘normal’ broodiness, you are obsessed and it’s unhealthy.

Your OH isn’t unreasonable to want to wait. I would talk to him, set a time frame for trying (so, say three or four years) and see what happens. Anything could happen in that time, you could realise you want different things and separate for example. Make a list of things to accomplish in that time and focus on those instead. Three years may seem like a long time but in reality, it isn’t. You are fortunate enough to have two decades of fertility ahead of you (if everything is ok).

If your OH decides he doesn’t want to try once the time frame set is up and you still want to, then I would suggest separating and finding someone on the same page as you. It’s sad but you can’t lose precious years of fertility to a man who doesn’t want the same thing as you.

Actually I think UpOver might well be right. Is it your only company are family members who have focussed on having dcs, so you want to join in?

Work on building a network of friends who aren't family and are at a similar life stage to you - in a job and relationship, but not parents.

So look outside of work, join groups, go learn a new skill, build a non-family based social life.

It will help you "wait" until your DP is ready to start thinking about a family.

I think the problem is that it is hard putting off something that you really want, for a number of years. OP has to do that because of her OH. I think, if you are really broody, then 5 years to wait will be torture. I'd say a year is long enough to put your dreams on hold for. And if your OH isn't ready in a year's time, then find someone who is. Or at least be single, so you can concentrate on yourself and making strong friendships etc.

Good god I’m 23 and completely understand where he’s coming from. How is everyone around you having babies at 21??

if you have a child between now and that promotion... you likely will not get it.

My mum gave up her excellent job to be my mum and when she went back to work 10 years later ... she could only get MW retail jobs because the technology had moved on, her experience was old and there were many young bright things to take her place.

Consider carefully whether you want this ... they’re only babies for a few years.

To manage this I would watch videos of the bad sides of parenting - sleep deprivation, childbirth, projectile vomit. Then, I would show myself what it is to be young ... learn to dance, go travel, enjoy the peace and quiet.

Why do you want to become a mum 3 years after you have become an adult?

I would strongly recommend getting that promotion, getting a house and getting married before having a child.

Also enjoy your 20s, have the holidays and enjoy them. Holidays with babies are not much fun IME

I wanted children from aged 17 it took 8 years 6 years fertility treatment

Personally I think your stuck here as he’s saying he wants to wait until he’s 30 - 5 years is that a never ending time line just to shut you up or is that true ? What happens if you wait and he gets to their magical age and he tells you sorry I want to wait until age 35 then 40 etc ?

It won’t work unless you w at the same thing my friend stayed with her man 12 years he never wanted more children he had one with an ex my friend really lived him but in the end she left him as he simply refused to have anymore she’s been alone now 5 years and is heading to 40
Childless

Personally if you aren’t in the same page you won’t work - yes your young but so are millions of others and what if you have fertility problems

Then you can look at it like what if your SO has fertility problems and waits years ?
What if you leave him meet someone with fertility problems

Children aren’t a right they are a gift and you want some ASAP so if I was you I’d be leaving him as there are obstacles TTC. Believe me I’ve had late baby loss with my now husband we left ttc a while then I was too old after losing baby lily at 5 months pregnant to ttc again so we haven’t xhukdren together although we do separately

What my reply is saying children aren’t always going to come for everyone
But if your that in want to have them don’t wait
Thing is you may not meet anyone soon who feels like you do ?

It’s a tough position to be in

Sorry I disagree with some people on here unless they have had a maternal need to be a parent they can’t understand .... I hate holidays to me a waste of money you can holiday with a child and anyone can lose a job at any age.

wiccan given most of us are parents, I think we do understand that desire or need to be a parent. Just most us realise that 21 is not the ideal age to have a baby if one partner isn’t into it.

Op, i became pregnant at 21 after wanting a baby for so long but it was an awful pregnancy. Serious ill health, being unable to work, nearly resulting in the death of me and DS,premature baby, 5 weeks in the NICU and now dealing with DSs health problems and disabilities. I can't work due to my mental health and my son's health.
Like you I was working in a good job and on the path for promotions. That's all gone now.
I love DS more than anything but it's very hard. Being a parent isn't about having a baby and cute outfits ect, it's about no sleep, a constant cycle of feeds, changes, comforting and so much more. And it gets more demanding as they get older.
I know you desperately want a baby but seriously think about it and seek counciling because the way you're speaking is concerning and not normal. Do you have a child free friend who you could confide in?

I get the feeling the OP won’t be back

I don’t want to patronise you as I had my son at 22 but I’d wait till your partner is ready , having a child so young puts enough strain on a relationship as it is I’m 37 now and on baby number 4 and a far better parent than I ever was at 22 , don’t wish your life away you still have nearly 20 years of child bearing years ahead of you . There’s absolutely no rush and being broody isn’t a reason to make such a big step in life .

This looks to be the topic of conversation on The Wright Stuff this morning

I'm 21 and pregnant (albeit unplanned), so don't think 21 is too young to have a baby. It's not like you're 15.

However, just from your replies, you seen quite immature and incapable of of accepting criticism (and that's nothing to do with age, there are immature 40 year olds).

Your partner doesn't want a baby right now. Simple as that. If you're that desperate for a baby that you cannot wait, you could always leave him and find someone else who wants a baby as desperately as you do (though that kind of plan is bound to end in disaster). However, if you love him and see a future with him, surely you could wait a few years until you're BOTH ready? Pressuring someone into doing something as irrevocably life-changing as having a child when they don't want it is completely heinous IMO.

You're still young, even if you waited ten years you'd still only be 31. You have many years of childbearing ahead of you. If you're still determined, how about getting a part time job babysitting? That way you could fulfill your baby craving without making a huge commitment.