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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My partner's not ready for kids yet

164 replies

Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 15:40

I feel really lost at the moment- like i dont have anyone to talk to about this.
i have been desperate for a baby for well over a year now- all my OH's friends and people we know are having babies/getting pregnant and this is so hard for me!
My OH isn't ready to be a dad yet, i understand but im just so depressed- i wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt so many people around us.
Feel like im suffering in silence as its between me and my partner- he hates talking about it because he sees how upset i get. i just cant help but feel horrible when our friends are talking about their babies/pregnancies.

To top it off, my OH's family are always asking when we're having a baby and there's always a lot of conversation surrounding that- makes me feel awful and makes it awkward for my partner.
I hate having to say to people that i dont want kids just to stop them from talking about it Sad

I've started to be weird about it all- i was addicted to buying pregnancy tests in the hope it'd come back positive- i've even bought baby booties! i'm obsessed and it's not healthy for either of us Sad all i do is watch baby hauls too, cant stop thinking about it.

I love my OH so much, i dont want it to come between us, i just can't cope with keeping it all inside.

any one get any ideas of how i can deal with this?

OP posts:
BirthdayKake · 02/04/2018 18:26

I know, Tot :(

I had two children by 21 so I feel for you. But honestly... I wish I'd waited

JustHereForThePooStories · 02/04/2018 18:26

If you’re surrounded by people constantly haranguing an unmarried 21 year old about having a baby, you need to surround yourself with smarter people.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:27

@sirlee66

we have a little dog, had him for 2 years and he is my baby! he'd love a little baby too!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:28

@JustHereForThePooStories

you cant choose family!

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 18:28

Wow op you need to talk to someone in real life about this its not normal at all. You are 21. Yes being an adult and a young parent is fine. But to the point you are jealous and obsessed and buying things for a baby and pregnancy tests is not normal or healthy. You are 21 even if you have a baby in the next 5 years you will still be young. Child bearing is not a race

NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 18:28

Don't really know what else you want people to say OP?

MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 18:29

The dog does not want a baby...

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/04/2018 18:31

OP I totally get the broodiness, there’s nothing unreasonable about wanting to start a family, it’s primal!

I would suggest using the time before your partner is ready to think carefully about how you’re going to secure yourself financially if you decide to take a career break to raise your child. The simplest way to do this is marriage, but if you’re not keen to do this it would make sense to start your own savings pot now to give you some personal financial security. I’m sure your DP is a great guy but on the off chance you split up in the future, you’d be glad you made plans to you and your child.

Best of luck! Smile

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:32

@MarthaAthur

It's just so embarrassing to talk about! I havent bought any tests for a long time now (well since november) I went through a bad phase where i didnt think i was pregnant but i wanted to be so badly i would test 3/4 times a day, it was awful. Im in a lot better place now, i just cant stop watching bloody baby hauls on youtube!!

I know it's not a race, but waiting for something you want badly is hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:32

@MarthaAthur

It was a joke...

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:33

@KnitFastDieWarm

Thank you

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 02/04/2018 18:34

Have you looked into councilling? That sounds quiet hard and im not here to berate you as i used to be similar except im now 26 and single. I wasnt as bad as you but i did do a few tests that were faintly lined and convinced myself twice i was pregnant when i wasnt.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:35

@NicoleSalski

me neither! didn't quite expect people to be so judgmental though.
It's difficult wanting something the person you love doesnt.
i just want to stop being upset about it, i dont want to make him hate me because i want a family with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:36

@MarthaAthur

i haven't, as i feel a lot better in myself now, im nowhere near as bad as i was 5 months ago, im getting better with it all, there's just little things that i cant control like people asking us, and i cant stop that tiny amount of jealousy i get when i see pregnant people etc

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/04/2018 18:39

Seriously, people are hassling you at 21 to have a baby? Nobody I know in the world of upwardly mobile professionals would ever ask someone your age if they were planning children. You need to widen your friendship group.

Is it really "everyone" or just a couple of people who won't shut up?

Are you assuming that you and your boyfriend will both have the same earnings and earnings potential after you have a baby?

I am left feeling that you are not surrounding yourself with the right role models for your obvious levels of talent and ambition. You must be a driven person whose drive is misplaced into baby making.

Surround yourself with people who are taking jobs in exciting places, who run their own companies, etc and I suspect the baby craziness will fade.

LizzieDarcy1907 · 02/04/2018 18:39

I had my first at 21 and don't regret it for a second. Being a mum was really important to me, more so than any career and I've never felt that I've sacrificed anything.

My only worry about a partner being not ready yet is that are they ever going to be? There are no guarantees. I'm sorry it's making you so unhappy Flowers.

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 18:40

but waiting for something you want badly is hard

This really shows your immaturity OP. It might be better for you to experience life without a baby for a while. There are so many amazing experiences out there that don’t envolve children

ClareB83 · 02/04/2018 18:41

OP you want some ideas to help you stop feeling jealous/awkward/obsessed, so I'd suggest doing some of the things that made my 20s awesome:

  1. Get some counselling on your fear of flying. Overcoming this will open the world to you! Then go see the world. It's amazing. Then you can share it with your OH and in due course your children. You'll have so many different experiences and learn so many things. My DH wasn't that fussed about travelling until he met me (spent his money on computers and motorbikes instead). Now he loves it and loves doing it together.

  2. Think about your career in a more long term way. You say you'll be promoted in 2/3 years. Then what? What will be the next step? What would help you with that next step? Are there qualifications that would help and you could do now? Are there work experiences you could organise to broaden your experience? Please don't say the next job is your forever job and you have no intention of moving up - it's a long time until retirement.

  3. Look into the benefits of home ownership and marriage. We could all tell you but better you research it yourself and consider the pros and cons from your own perspective. It might lead to you buying a house and all the decorating and DIY that involves. Or planning a wedding.

  4. Consider if there are other skills you could usefully acquire eg learning to drive, car maintenance, basic dressmaking, a language.

  5. Volunteer. Great for your self esteem, your community and CV.

  6. Go to the theatre, the comedy, the latest restaurant opening, a gig, a festival, different sporting events.

Please don't say you can't afford or don't have time to do any of these, because a child costs money and eats all your time.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:42

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

It's family, not friends

No im not assuming that, but we have savings and are stable.

Im very much a more family orientated person, i've just managed to work my way up (a lot of hard work) in my career but that is solely with the idea of being able to support a family. i have a good work ethic, but i would drop my job for children in a heartbeat.

OP posts:
ThinkingQueSeraSera · 02/04/2018 18:43

Oh sweetheart

I get it, I get that feeling

But you're so, so young.

Please try to relax and give it some time.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:44

@ClareB83

thank you, i'll look into some of these!

OP posts:
DancesWithOtters · 02/04/2018 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:46

@ilikebread

I know i'm being irrational, that's why i've asked for help.
I dont need people telling me im immature when im asking for help- that is doing the opposite of what i need.

OP posts:
NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 18:47

@Tot0d1le666 do you think counselling would help?

As I said, I went through a very similar thing and completely empathise with you. I actually wrote a 5 year plan with a baby at the end of it. Didn't stick to everything but it definitely helped knowing that I was doing my best for the last 5 years to set up a foundation for my family.

You have no judgement from me. It's hard to be completely honest with your questions but you have been. Well done for being so open with us. Unfortunately, people will always judge. They are also being honest with you. It works both ways.

You'll be ok, you're just going to have to tough it out!

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:47

@DanceWithOtters

It's important to me to have at least my first child in my early 20s, i absolutely despise the idea of being an older first time parent.

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