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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My partner's not ready for kids yet

164 replies

Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 15:40

I feel really lost at the moment- like i dont have anyone to talk to about this.
i have been desperate for a baby for well over a year now- all my OH's friends and people we know are having babies/getting pregnant and this is so hard for me!
My OH isn't ready to be a dad yet, i understand but im just so depressed- i wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt so many people around us.
Feel like im suffering in silence as its between me and my partner- he hates talking about it because he sees how upset i get. i just cant help but feel horrible when our friends are talking about their babies/pregnancies.

To top it off, my OH's family are always asking when we're having a baby and there's always a lot of conversation surrounding that- makes me feel awful and makes it awkward for my partner.
I hate having to say to people that i dont want kids just to stop them from talking about it Sad

I've started to be weird about it all- i was addicted to buying pregnancy tests in the hope it'd come back positive- i've even bought baby booties! i'm obsessed and it's not healthy for either of us Sad all i do is watch baby hauls too, cant stop thinking about it.

I love my OH so much, i dont want it to come between us, i just can't cope with keeping it all inside.

any one get any ideas of how i can deal with this?

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 02/04/2018 18:51

Ooooh careful OP... most of us on here are what you're calling an older mum. Don't poke! 😆

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:51

@NicoleSalski

I like the idea of making a plan (maybe not 5 years though, im too impatient for that!)
Maybe its something me and my OH can do together? mini bucket list before having a baby?
Thank you for you advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:52

@ClareB83

Dont want to offend! It's just not for me, some people prefer it!!
My mum had me young, and i feel we just have a much better relationship now im older than we would if she was old (experience from friends parents) obviously not necessarily but just my opinon :)

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 02/04/2018 18:54

OP...you don’t seem to react very well to those of us who are telling you not what you want to hear.You say you want help and advice but it is important to point out your thoughts and feelings seem extreme. You yourself use words like “ depressed” and “ obsessed” so you KNOW it’s not healthy. Saying you’d despise having your first child in your thirties is bizarre. Strongly advice you to talk to your partner and get some anxiety counselling before you have a baby. And try to step away from the social media for a while, and practice saying “ No offence but that’s my business “ to the people who ask you why you aren’t pregnant yet.

NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 18:54

@Tot0d1le666 a 5 year plan is short! Go for it though. It is very liberating.

All the best.

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/04/2018 18:56

OP I had my first when I was 27 which was a perfect age for me - I was one of the youngest in my antenatal class. How would you feel about setting a date to start trying, say 24 or 25? Then you could think, right I’ll be starting in x years so here’s my financial/career/personal life plan to achieve by then? Might help you feel a bit more in control?

KnitFastDieWarm · 02/04/2018 18:58

For example, Me and DH decided that we wanted to be married, have bought a home, and have been on a big child-unfriendly holiday before we started trying. Having those to tick off really helped and meant that by the time DC did come along we had a secure marriage and a lovely house and a lot of great memories.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:59

@MrsGrindah

I find it very offensive being called immature. it's not bizarre, a lot of people prefer having babies when they are in their 20s. I have clearly said it's not healthy? I just feel there's a lot of judgment on this thread and a lot of people jumping in without reading properly. You can't understand how im feeling without you being in my position yourself, so find it really insensitive when people are telling me to grow up and that im immature, my mind is not where it should be and i know im not dealing with it properly but those comments dont help in the slightest, they make me feel worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 19:01

@KnitFastDieWarm

ideally for me, i would want children before my next promotion (in the next 3 years)
My next promotion is a big one, so i want to take the time before that to come out of work and have a family. Im all for the idea of a plan though- im a bit of a freak when it comes to planning things! thank you

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 02/04/2018 19:05

I haven’t called you immature. I think the language you use is very strong.You used the word “ despise” in the context of being an older Mum and yes I do find that bizarre. What I’m trying to say is you seem very very defensive. And yes people will judge..that’s what happens when you share your circumstances and ask people for their views.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 19:07

@MrsGrindah

Not you, someone else did.
I'm only being honest! I hate the idea of having my first child in my 30s. Im not saying i want all my children in my 20s, that would be extreme

OP posts:
ilikebread · 02/04/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kate123cl · 02/04/2018 19:15

Wow some people really have no clue! You're more than mature enough to know what you want at 21! Ignore all the people that have nothing nice to say! 'Man up' is a disgusting comment! The whole point of the post, from what I can see' is her not knowing how to cope with others around her having children / being pregnant (which I can totally sympathise with) if you've got nothing better to say, don't join the thread! It's a place for advice not judgement.

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 19:18

Kate123cl Having lost a baby ‘manning up’ is something I had to do to cope with the constant ‘when are you having a baby questions’.

It’s really helped me and OP does need to man up I’m afraid if she wants to learn to cope with nosey people.

Kate123cl · 02/04/2018 19:21

Ilikebread, I've also lost a baby and that's no excuse to be so harsh towards people seeking guidance. It's not the case of manning up and if you've been through such heartbreak yourself, you should know that's the case.

Kate123cl · 02/04/2018 19:22

Your comment if 'you're 21' has no relevance whatsoever.

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 19:24

Kate123cl I disagree, being strong saved me. I mean if she can’t cope now at the age of 21, hows she going to cope if god forbid she looses a baby or nearly dies (like Me). I think my advise is better than pandering to her immaturity.

NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 19:25

@ilikebread for future reference 'man up' is a really poor term to use when addressing a man, let alone a woman. Have a think about what it means.

I lost two pregnancies and was emotional and broke down after both of them. I let my body heal and at no point felt I had to 'man up'. I had to learn, heal and move forwards. Sorry you went through that also.

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 19:27

NicoleSalski I like the term ‘man up’ it saved my life

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 19:27

@ilikebread

Not that its any of your business but i suffered from a miscarriage a few years ago.

You're rude and insensitive.

OP posts:
Kate123cl · 02/04/2018 19:30

Tot0d1le666, honestly take no notice of people telling you you're too immature. Your mind/ body knows when you're ready for a baby. If it's meant to happen, it will happen Smile

ilikebread · 02/04/2018 19:31

Tot0d1le666 no it’s not any of my business, you didn’t have to tell me you know as I did my ask....... I still think you need to grow up a bit and be strong against nosey people.

Ginger1982 · 02/04/2018 19:31

I had my DS at 35 so am clearly geriatric...

OP you keep talking about your next promotion but if you have a child now and then maybe only go back to work part time then how do you know you'll definitely get it? Surely you would be better securing that first before a baby? I would also recommend marriage and a house first too!

21 is very young. You're lucky to have met your life partner so young. I didn't meet DH until I was 29 but tbh I can't imagine having kids when I look back to how I was at 21.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 19:31

@Kate123cl

thank you.
Just can't believe people will actually be so insensitive towards people who are asking for help

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 02/04/2018 19:32

OP my friends and I all had the dilemma of whether to start our families before or after a certain promotion.

Most went for after because 1) it meant we had a lot more money for maternity leave and childcare when we came back; 2) it secured the promotion first as these things are never 100% certain and 3) it meant we were established for coming back after maternity leave, giving us a bit more clout, which can be tricky after an absence/going part time. Plus the next promotion after that is probably 5-10 years away leaving plenty of time for a couple of maternity leaves.

Those who went for before did get the promotion but obviously were poorer during maternity leave and have struggled to raise their profile. They've never been the lead on a big project because although they're senior they're part time now.

So it's definitely worth a thorough think about the likely consequences of doing it before or after the next promotion and how that will affect the promotion after that.

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