My partner's not ready for kids yet

[Tot0d1le666]

I feel really lost at the moment- like i dont have anyone to talk to about this.
i have been desperate for a baby for well over a year now- all my OH's friends and people we know are having babies/getting pregnant and this is so hard for me!
My OH isn't ready to be a dad yet, i understand but im just so depressed- i wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt so many people around us.
Feel like im suffering in silence as its between me and my partner- he hates talking about it because he sees how upset i get. i just cant help but feel horrible when our friends are talking about their babies/pregnancies.

To top it off, my OH's family are always asking when we're having a baby and there's always a lot of conversation surrounding that- makes me feel awful and makes it awkward for my partner.
I hate having to say to people that i dont want kids just to stop them from talking about it

I've started to be weird about it all- i was addicted to buying pregnancy tests in the hope it'd come back positive- i've even bought baby booties! i'm obsessed and it's not healthy for either of us all i do is watch baby hauls too, cant stop thinking about it.

I love my OH so much, i dont want it to come between us, i just can't cope with keeping it all inside.

any one get any ideas of how i can deal with this?

What happens in 3 years time when your partner says he’s still not ready? And then another 3....and so on.

I think both @TheCrystalChandelier and @kittensinmydinner1 especially have given you some good advice here OP. You've asked for advice and so many people have given you some really good guidance, but you seem to be completely ignoring them and reiterating how much you want it though. It's really not a mature way to respond, sorry. I'd felt broody for years before I started ttc. I understand it isn't easy to feel that way but for every time I felt pained by wanting a baby sooner, I realised that it was, let's be real, probably one of the most important things me and my partner would EVER do and we both needed to be ready and have our ducks in a row. This isn't just a cute baby - it's making a new human, who then becomes a child, a teenager, an adult. It's huge deal. We waited until my partner was ready, we were ready financially, we had bought a house, good careers, got married etc.

I'm not saying you need to do exactly the same things as such, everyone goes about it differently, but the fact you feel broody is quite frankly just not enough and it shouldn't be the only factor in your decision, especially if your partner is saying he wants to wait. Broodiness shouldn't be the only thing driving whether you do this or not at all - having a child is a life-long commitment that you both should be as ready for as you possibly can be. Work towards it as best you can and actually try to be pragmatic about this!

Ultimately, if your partner isn't ready, you being ready is a mute point. Talk to him, make a plan. If it's not to your liking, you break up because you want different things. If you decide that's actually quite sensible and wait, work as best as you can to getting as prepared as you can, however that might be - get that promotion in the bag before you're off on leave for a while, travel, etc. And as others have suggested, your behaviour (buying tests, baby things etc) implies to me you should look into counselling as well. I think that will really help you and possibly be a real game changer.

You need to be in this together or you'll be setting yourself up for a big fall. Good luck.

I accidentally got pregnant at 21, I was renting with my partner and both had ok jobs in our career paths... my partner said he just couldn’t have a dc because he had so much he wanted to do in life. I had an abortion and became absolutely infatuated with having a baby after. I couldn’t even walk into a baby store because it upset me so much not having a baby. Like you I was happy to have a dc young.
Eventually we travelled the world, our salaries tripled through unexpected luck and also the fact we were able to take promotions and had no huge commitments that might stop us continuing our careers, we bought a beautiful house as we could afford it
(our rented place was great and we thought it was the best thing ever, owning a place is soooo much better)
Anyway the baby thing continued and no matter what we did I needed a baby. My sister had one before me and I had to run home crying when she told me she was pregnant I was so jealous. Me and partner got married and finally at 27 I had my dd.

Pregnancy was amazing and we were so happy. When dd arrived, after a few I wished to god I had waited. I am so happy I didn’t have her when I was 21. Even now I feel regret in all the things I could have done if I had waited until later than 27! I was obsessed before we had her. My career has plummeted into nothing after, I had a senior management job, I couldn’t cope working and having dd and I’m now sahm waiting until I get myself together to go back. I love my dd more than anything but oh god I wish I’d waited until at least 30. Anyway that’s just my story. I’d never question why a 21yo hadn’t had a baby with her unmarried dp. It’s a shame you are having this happen. I think it’s ok to be honest when people ask though and say oh I’d love to have one now but dp thinks we should wait. It should always be a joint decision imo. You should also consider marriage. Without me and dh being married id have walked out since having dd with the stress. I’m also glad I’m married and able to be a sahm.

I agree with some pp that if having dc that young is a deal breaker than leave your current partner and find a new one that does want what you do. I think pressurising the partner never works out well. I believe your dp is sensible not wanting them this young. Perhaps you could go travelling and see if you enjoy that as well then have the conversation again in a couple of years when you will still be young.

Hi OP, you've been quite clear in later posts what you're actually seeking advice on, despite the somewhat confusingly worded thread title. As that seems to be how to deal with the feelings you have and the comments you receive (rather than whether or not you should pursue them or try to change your partner's mind) that is what I will respond to.

I think you've had some great advice from a few pp, I particularly liked the list a few pages back of ideas that made the posters own 20's great. The key I think is finding something to fill the void that will be left when you stop obsessing over babies, which you really must find a way to do somehow! Most 21 year olds don't share your mindset (that's not to say it's not understandable or that it's too young to have a baby!) so perhaps find some ways to widen your social circle to include some people of different perspectives who might help you see things differently. These two things could well go hand in hand - e.g you decide to do a course / take up a new hobby / join a meetup etc and meet some likeminded folk in due course.

Second up, tell your family to back off. If you're as close as you say, you should be able to be honest with them and just explain that you're excited about parenthood but you (plural) have decided it's a few years off and could they please stop bringing it up. Once you've thought about what you want to achieve in these last child free years, you can tell them about these medium term ambitions and talk about those instead. Maybe your responses at present are making them feel you're open to persuasion? It's actually very selfish of them assuming they know how your partner feels.

There's nothing wrong with being a young mum OP, but 21 is so, so young, you have the whole world at your feet. I had my first baby at 27 (so you probably consider me ancient), and it's the biggest lifestyle adjustment. It's fucking hard. You really can't comprehend what it's like until you're a parent yourself and then there's no taking it back. The cuddles are great and I love my DD more than anything but it's so incredibly draining at times. I was married at 23 but I'm glad I waited a few years before starting a family. If people keep asking you when you're going to have babies just tell them to sod off and mind their own business!

If you do decide to have a baby now, just be aware that you may find it harder than you think to get back into work and chase the promotions. Women who have children and return to work part time (which you may wish to do due to the high cost of childcare) are often massively discriminated against when it comes to career progression. It shouldn't happen in this day and age but it does.

I understand OP, I desperately wanted a second child but my OH wasn't sure he did. I became so obsessed with the idea of having a baby and suddenly I felt like I was surrounded by pregnant friends/babies and it was all I could think about. Could you compromise with your partner and set a deadline of maybe 2 years after which you'll start trying? In the meantime you could have a plan to put yourselves in the best possible position by then - for example by saving enough to allow you to take the maximum amount of maternity leave/buy a family house, etc - so you feel like things are happening and you're working towards something more definite? That way you'll have something else to focus on and can look forward to it happening rather than it all being so up in the air.

I find there's a bit of an education level difference with this. All my friends who didn't go to uni had their kids in their early twenties- am I correct in presuming that you and most of your social circle fit this category? My friends who did go to uni haven't had kids yet - I'm the first at 27 and feel really young to be doing this. Got pregnant on the first time of trying, so I also wouldn't panic about it taking ages ttc-as you can see from your friends and their accidental pregnancies, most couples conceive rather quickly in their twenties.

I would point out that you are only just in your twenties, so it's not a case of either having kids this second or being an 'older mum'. You'd be considered as a young mum for at least the next five years or so. Don't let other people's judgements make you feel like you're missing out. I wouldn't nag your partner too much on this one - either he will resent you for it or leave you. Either option increases the chances of having to raise the kid as a single mum. Personally, I'd say give him his three years.

OP I know it feels like everyone is having babies when you’re desperate for one but really they’re not. There really is no rush. You are so young I’m surprised you’re getting pressure from people. You know if he’s not ready then you’re going to just have to wait a little longer. And you’ll probably be glad you did. At 21 I had only just met my now husband. If I had my time again I’d be off travelling and seeing the world. You can’t do that so easily with a baby!

I think you may need counselling, or more counselling, for the miscarriage you had. It's fine to want a baby at 21, it's your life, but your feelings about it are making you very unhappy, e.g. the feeling that it is unfair when other have babies. I suspect that you will find that your feelings about your miscarriage are the root of your current unhappiness.

Since your partner isn't ready for kids and you say you've accepted that, I think you should use the next few years to work on the things that will set you both up better for having kids when he is ready - ie getting married and buying a house. You say you're not interested/don't need these things, but both will put you in a better position to have a child. It also gives you an easy answer when someone asks you when you're having kids - you can just say "oh we'd like to get married first" or "we're saving for a house deposit at the moment". And it's also a good distraction for you to focus on instead of dwelling on this

@Tot0d1le666

I'd be wary only because of my own experience at your age

I was living with long term partner (had been together since school).
We had bought our own house at 19 and were planning our next move.
I wanted children young and to get married, he didn't.

I stuck by him but got to 30 years old and he still really didn't and had just been dangling a carrot the whole time to keep me with him.

He just wanted sports cars and posh holidays.

I left him at 30 and met someone else and he also wanted children so we started TTC within the first 6 months and baby arrived 18 months after getting together. We are getting married this year and hope to TTC shortly after that.

Life is good.

I still feel sad that ex took the early years as I wanted more children than realistically I will now be able to have.

I completely get how you feel, I felt the same at your age but my partner wasn't ready. I'd use these years to make some really lovely memories and possibly buy a house and get married. Buying a house is so much harder when you've had a baby and have reduced your hours at work, have huge childcare bills to pay or both. I didn't want to get married until I'd had a baby either. I got married last week with my 1yo there. Whilst it was lovely I spent the morning trying to feed DS as much as I could so he didn't kick off during the meal for milk and wrestling him into his suit. He did kick off during the meal and had to be taken out. I spent a good chunk of the afternoon in my room feeding him. We then had the first night to ourselves since having DS. He was in the hotel room next door with my DM, which was lovely. But we had the phone call at 5.45 the day after our wedding to say he was hungry and couldn't be calmed so he came in with us. We then went off to Center Parcs for the weekend and spent our 'honeymoon' in softplay and swimming. It was perfect for us but I did feel jealous of the couple's going off to the spa and having lovely romantic meals whilst I was rocking my DS around Bella Italia eating stood up. It is lovely to have a baby when everyone's ready but it's hard hard work and your life completely changes. Make the most of the time your DP isn't ready doing things that are much harder with babies. I treasure the many memories we have of things we've done pre DS.

Your reaction to friends having a baby and family asking about it sounds so much like my best friend when she was recovering emotionally from a miscarriage.

She had never wanted children previously and had a miscarriage before she even knew she was pregnant. For her is was around the time of a bereavement which made it even harder.
Like you she bought numerous pregnancy tests and became upset whenever babies were mentioned. Even having a baby two years later did not help and she only began feeling better after counselling.
Do you think having counselling might help the extreme emotional reactions you are having? Wanting a baby isn’t strange but your strong feelings about it must be upsetting for you and your partner.

Talk to your DP about the other things he'd like to achieve over the next 10 years, and think about the non-baby type things you'd like to do with your life. What else is on the list? Buy a bigger house? Do some long haul holidays? Get married? Gain qualifications? Reach a particular career stage/wage?

Not a list of "things to achieve before you can have a baby" but a general "list of things to achieve before 30/35", this might help you as it reads like you feel like the next thing on your big life "to do" list is have a baby, and anything else is just treading water until you achieve that.

So you need a longer "to do" list to stop the only thing you've got to do next is have a baby.

It's also worth thinking that it's a hell of a lot easier to negotiate reduced hours or sideways move from a managerial position when you have dcs, than to try to prove yourself managerial material and get the promotion when you also juggling caring for a child, and possibly not wanting to do full time hours.

Another thought op - you said your mum is asking when you'll have dcs a lot, and she had her dcs v early, is it the case she's now late 30's/early 40's and has made her adult life primary role that of "Mother", with any jobs being something to bring a bit of extra money in, but not her primary role. Now she wants to be "granny who looks after the grandchild so my adult kids can work"?

I see the geriatric pregnancy brigade is out in force 🙄, there's nothing wrong with wanting a baby at 21. The way society is going these days where it's seen as normal and socially acceptable for women to delay having babies until their 30s/40s is pushing the birth rate down and causing higher number of birth defects and disabilities etc.

You can't tell a woman at 21 she's too young to have a child when she has a stable job etc when 21 is actually the prime time of your life to have a baby.

@Tot0d1le666 it sounds like you have anxiety more than anything, anxiety about having a baby is horrendous, after my miscarriage I had serious anxiety and it presented itself as anger, so glad I got help for it and I came through the other side!

dwangela there is a middle ground between having a baby at 21 and being a geriatric mother you know.

If the OP's partner was fully on board I doubt people would be giving the advice they have. But if you read the OP's posts it's clear that he isn't ready and doesn't want a child right now. She's asking for advice on how to deal with that. She'll still be at the "prime time" to have babies in 5 years' time, by which point her partner will also be ready, and at 26 nowhere near being a geriatric mother ffs.

@Addy2 I know you're speaking from your own experience but you really can't use your own experience of conceiving first time to reassure someone. I'm 27 and pregnant with my second, neither of my conceptions were fast or easy. A girl the same age as us that I know is currently on fertility meds to help her ovulate for PCOS, every woman is different and just because you conceived quickly and are the first of your friendship group to be going through motherhood doesn't mean this is the case for everyone.

@harrietm87 I know that and I have read her posts and know that her partner isn't on board but that doesn't give people permission to say she's too young to have a baby at 21 🙄

OP
i dont really have any of my own friends- just my aunties, mum, sister etc

Of all the things you have said this stands out to me. It's not unheard of not to have any friends at 21 but it's not a good thing. Do you think you are desperate to have a baby because you are lonely or bored? I know you have family and your partner but most people have a few more people in their life.

It's also really weird that your family go on to you about having a child? Do you think you have encouraged it? If not why don't you tell them to stop.

Totally agree with @UpOver.

The comment about not having friends at 21 struck me too and I found it really sad.

OP I think you need to get out there and make some friends of your own age to take your mind off this baby-craziness. Most 21-year olds are not thinking about starting families, so maybe they'll give you a different perspective and help lessen your emotions somewhat. At least until your partner is ready.

@Dwangela I'm 26! I'm not saying wait forever, I started trying at 24 and had disabled DS at 25 after a miscarriage. Whilst I'm glad I didn't wait until later it was hell on earth. Going through that at 21 with a partner who wasn't fully ready would have been the end of me.

You need to work hard at your perspective on life op, a more balanced approach will help you be a better mother/ parent. First, stop lying to people from today, it is only making you resent your situation. I always wanted children, so for the 5-10 years before I had them when asked about them I would never say i don’t want children. I would say not yet. You need to think of some responses- ‘a few more boxes to tick before we take that step!’ ‘Im 21not 31.’ , ‘we aren’t quite at that point’ - all of these are completely true.
Perspective - it is actually easier to have the break when you are more senior. No company in the uk can stop you taking your maternity leave and you are paid more with a better cv behind you.
Perspective - if you waited 5 years you would still be a young mum. You need to be able to say that out loud to yourself - 25 is a young mum. You seem a bit in denial of reality by saying you want to be a young mum but in 5 years you won’t be. It doesn’t matter how you feel about it, the fact is that 25 is a young mum. Strong language like despise the idea of being an older mum is not helping your cause here!
I think you should try and conquer your fear of flying. You want your children to grow up strong and confident and feeling able to tackle the world - they could easily move overseas or want to take holidays overseas, wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could take them or go visit them? I have a sister in the us, two brothers in Europe and parents in Australia. Flying is how we all visit and my parents see their grandchildren.
When I was your age I was with my dh and thought children by 25. I got to 25 and thought I’m still so young! I’ve only just got married! We did lots of amazing things, I hit 30 , we moved overseas and then had a baby. Best decision ever to wait, our life is so much better for it. I still want 3-4 children, number 2 is on the way.

OP
Sorr6 I haven't read all the replies on here as looks like you have ALOT bit I just wanted to say - please be kind to yourself here! Why don't you try (and trust me I know it's hard!) On something else for a while whether that be a new hobby, a holiday (UK if you don't want to fly) - maybe you could do a little road trip round the UK? Spend some really nice quality time together and make some lovely memories because trust me when the time comes for babies you will be glad of the times alone!
This might be a good time when you could talk to him and set some goals as a couple of how you want the next 5 years to look! At least then you would have something to work towards?
Sorry I don't have all the answers and no one will but please don't be afraid to talk to people about how you feel and if you really feel depressed and down about it why not some counselling to help you through while you get your head around everything?
Good luck in whatever you decide 💗

If you have a meltdown every time someone mentions a pregnancy, you’re probably not mature enough to have a baby.