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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My partner's not ready for kids yet

164 replies

Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 15:40

I feel really lost at the moment- like i dont have anyone to talk to about this.
i have been desperate for a baby for well over a year now- all my OH's friends and people we know are having babies/getting pregnant and this is so hard for me!
My OH isn't ready to be a dad yet, i understand but im just so depressed- i wouldnt be so bad if there wasnt so many people around us.
Feel like im suffering in silence as its between me and my partner- he hates talking about it because he sees how upset i get. i just cant help but feel horrible when our friends are talking about their babies/pregnancies.

To top it off, my OH's family are always asking when we're having a baby and there's always a lot of conversation surrounding that- makes me feel awful and makes it awkward for my partner.
I hate having to say to people that i dont want kids just to stop them from talking about it Sad

I've started to be weird about it all- i was addicted to buying pregnancy tests in the hope it'd come back positive- i've even bought baby booties! i'm obsessed and it's not healthy for either of us Sad all i do is watch baby hauls too, cant stop thinking about it.

I love my OH so much, i dont want it to come between us, i just can't cope with keeping it all inside.

any one get any ideas of how i can deal with this?

OP posts:
sirlee66 · 02/04/2018 17:58

Would you consider getting a pet?

if you both work full time I would not recommend a dog but maybe a guinea or even a cat?

While we struggled to conceive I got my little fur-baby cat and it actually really helped with giving me a little bundle to love and care for. She is like mine and DH's child now anyway! she even got a kitty Easter egg

May subdue your broodyness for a couple of years?

JessTessMess · 02/04/2018 18:00

Agree a pet is a good call. Also it’s jot a lie to say you’re not having them for a while - your Oh isn’t on board.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:01

@JessTessMess

I'm not jealous of their situations- im jealous of the fact they have a baby. It seems so unfair

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:02

@JessTessMess

We've had a dog for nearly 2 years. My partner has agreed on trying within the next 2-3 years

OP posts:
lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 18:04

OP,
Can you give the reasons why you want a child now ?

I don't mean this in a horrible way, I'm just interested.

Dancingmonkey87 · 02/04/2018 18:05

You need to grow up op your stomping your feet shouting it’s so unfair. You claim to be an adult you need to act like one.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:06

I don't understand how this thread has become about my partner not being ready when thats not the immediate issue.

My issue is family etc always asking when we're having a baby- it makes it awkward for both of us.

Friends announcing pregnancies- over the past week alone they're have been 4 people i know who have just announced their pregnancies.

I CANT HELP BUT FEEL JEALOUS.

As much as i want a baby, my partner comes first, i would never intentionally pressure him into having a baby.
We are fine as a couple- i just want to stop feeling so angry/upset/awkward when people ask us

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:08

@DancingMonkey87

Well it is unfair that people who dont want children are having them?
it's unfair on the children as well as people like me who desperately want children.

OP posts:
JessTessMess · 02/04/2018 18:08

I’m not sure what else we can suggest - your oh has already made concessions, he clearly loves you, you need to get a grip and give him the little amount of time he needs?

Have you read the desperate threads from people pushing 40 who can’t get a bloke to commit at all to a baby? You really do either have to deal with your feelings and cut your OH some slack or leave I’m and find someone that wants babies right away...and what sort of sensible person would that be?

Pigeoncat · 02/04/2018 18:09

Hey, 21 is totally old enough to have kids if you want to.

However, before you settle down with/marry anyone/ consider having children with anyone you need to have THE CHAT. The chat involves different important things that you are bound to come up against and making sure you have discussed and in agreement. If you have totally different ideas on when to have children or if to have children at all, I’m afraid you are simply not compatible, no matter how much you love them. (The chat should also cover managing finances, looking after elderly relatives should they become unable to care for themselves and marriage opinions) if you are not on the same page about those things then a relationship is simply not going to work because one person will always be on a different page and a wedge will be driven.

In a situation like yours, where one is ready and one isn’t, you need to sit down and devise a plan together and answer the following questions.

  1. Why do you feel you are not ready?
  2. What would it take for you to feel ready (more time/ more saves money/ bigger house etc)
  3. Do you want children?
  4. When do you see us having children?
  5. Would you be happy to try to revisit this topic in 12 months?

There should be no ultimatum or arguing. You both need to be happy with the idea - there is no meeting halfway on this one and if you want to be pregnant in the next 18 months and he does not plan to is become a father for the next 7 years then that’s that.

No one is right or wrong in this situation, some just fee ready sooner than others. Whatever you do though, do not make it into a topic of dread for him, if you keep nagging him about it, he will not want to discuss it. Have one big discussion and then agree to revisit the topic in 6/12 months or whatever.

Dancingmonkey87 · 02/04/2018 18:09

“ we aren’t ready for children just yet”

“ we are only young and enjoying life while we can”

JessTessMess · 02/04/2018 18:10

Just tell your family you are not having a baby in the next few years - of all the things this really is of your own making, are your family deliberately asking to pressure your OH?

Addictedtohavingbabies · 02/04/2018 18:11

If it's what you want and not what he wants, then he's not the one for you.
First make sure that you do definitely want a baby as once you have one there's no going back and there are lots of changes and sacrifices to be made.
I really wanted a baby more than anything from the age of 18 and my boyfriend at the time wasn't ready. We split up and I was pregnant after a short relationship by 20. By 29 I had four children.
I sacrificed career options and other things but I didn't care because I wanted a baby more than anything.
Be aware that if you are thinking of having a baby at this age that there is a high possibility you will be a single mum. That's what I did, and I have children to different men as I wasn't good with my relationship choices before I got married to my husband.

ambereeree · 02/04/2018 18:13

I don't understand why anybody would ask a 21 year old when they're having children. Its so young.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:13

@lattewith3shotsplease

I just feel ready!
im in an extremely high position for my age. i'm a deputy manager at 21. My next promotion will be in around 3 years, after this promotion i know its going to be very difficult to have time off to have a child as a general manager. We're financially stable, we have our own house etc. I want to have a break from work and have a child before my next big career step

Im just ready to start a family now- all my aunties/uncles etc. started having children young (19-23) and this is something i've always wanted, even moreso now i feel ready myself

OP posts:
Neonrainbow · 02/04/2018 18:15

Im curious as to why you want a baby right now? What is it about having a child, right now with this man that you're drawn to so strongly? Maybe if you can identify that, you can start to figure out why you're feeling this way.

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:15

@Pigeoncat

Thank you

OP posts:
Notproudofthisone · 02/04/2018 18:15

Gunna go off differently here, not being married when you have a child young is a big disadvantage. You say you’re at management level, brilliant, however you’ll be giving that up for a year to have a baby and take maternity. Then you’ll either go back full time and have childcare fees, over £1000 if you’re full time, and if you go back part time you’ll take a massive massive hit in your career that you’ve obviously worked hard for up until now.
I get you really want a child, and you feel ready, but there’s lots of things to prepare before you go ahead. How are you going to fund maternity leave? Have you already started saving? Do you want to buy a house? Maybe time to get the wheels in motion on a mortgage now before you take a wage hit. You might like renting or whatever though.
I know I sound as if I’m on my high horse but I had a baby at 20 and I’m about to go back to work, just remember you can’t do much. My friends are off on holidays and just finishing their degrees, I don’t have that. I love my son more than anything but I sometimes think it would be easier if I was more prepared.
Lots and lots to think about before actually having a baby!

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:17

@Neonrainbow

I feel ready to have a family and be a parent. I've wanted a baby for what feels like forever- we're in a position now where we could look after, support and raise a child, i think its more that we're in a good position that makes it harder waiting

OP posts:
MrsGrindah · 02/04/2018 18:18

I don't understand how this thread has become about my partner not being ready when thats not the immediate issue

Your thread title says your partner isn’t ready for kids yet!

BirthdayKake · 02/04/2018 18:18

You can borrow my DP! He's 25 and desperate for a baby. I'm not ready. I am older than him but it would be baby number 5 for me

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:23

@Notproudofthisone

I understand completely what you're saying- but its easier for me to say i understand than actually let it sink in.
We are happy renting- i know its not as stable as buying a house but its not something we've wanted to do- this obviously may change.

I understand that, my career is important to me, but a child to me is something i want more. i work alternate hours to my OH, so we would not necessarily need childcare.

Yeah i get that- i dont really have any of my own friends- just my aunties, mum, sister etc. but i feel this is a concern for my OH. i understand why he's not ready, it's just horrible waiting for something you really want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:24

@BirthdayKake

Haha, its always difficult when two people want different things Sad

OP posts:
ilikebread · 02/04/2018 18:25

Take up a hobby, read some books, travel. The broodieness will soon pass. I felt this at your age. I’m so glad I didn’t get dragged down with kids and let the feeling pass x

Original poster
Tot0d1le666 · 02/04/2018 18:25

@MrsGrindah

It does- but my post also says that thats not the issue

OP posts:
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