Pregnancy after MC Part 6 - supporting each other through the highs and lows

[Daisybump]

I thought that this one sounded really good!

Yes sometimes I think the dh's would have a great time at nursery, but it would be unfair to inflict them on the already overworked, underpaid staff

I wrote a post yesterday but I think I had to rush out of the office and never send it...

MrsMcJ very good. I second that you have to concentrate on the 7 week scan now. One step at a time. It's good that you have a health care team around you you trust I'd wish for that.

EJT congrats on your scan I hadn't realised it was coming up. A girl -- how nice! And it seems it will have enough energy to keep you busy...

Daisy -- I am glad you found a GP who took you serious and treated you. It's good especially with all the changes coming up.

I guess I have a relapse of my post-traumatic stress symptons. Reasons are a) that I am afraid MW won't find heartbeat b) I was shrugged up rudely by John and Lizzie's hospital when I asked for information on the midwife-let unit there. They said you can only go there if you do all antenatal visits with them and its 1.5 h from where I life, so I would need to use all my vacation days this year for antenatal appointments...Asked if there were other options, but was told no.
(I understand their policy -- but there was no reason to be so impolite). c) my former best friend gave finally birth to her daughter. She was due 5 weeks after me and we had reminisced how we would spend time together on maternity leave. She has been very insensitive about my loss and broke off all communication (she, not I !!!) two months ago. Now she has a baby-daughter and all I have is worries. (I know I am very negative and I should see things more positive but I just can't right now.)

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Glimmer - I am pretty sure your employers have to give you time off for antenatal appointments and they are NOT allowed to require you to make up the time. So you shouldn't need to use your holiday time, no matter whereabouts your antenatal appointments are. Will try and find a link for you...

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Here you go, Glimmer...

antenatal appointments

As for your friend, I remember you posted something about this. I suspect it is because she simply doesn't know what to say and probably feels bad that she was pg/now has a baby. Remember that in a few months time, all being well, you too will have a beautiful, healthy baby and things may well come around again. I know it doesn't make the time you're going through now any easier, but try not to dwell on it. It's one of those things you can't do much about and at this point in your life, I believe you have to be supremely selfish and focus all your attention on you and your baby...

Hi all

so much to catch up with again

Mrs Mc- keep up the good work, great news

Juicy- seems like I better wish you good luck, so soon, Hope you have a great birth.

Mump- poor you having to get up 4 times, My ds just calls out for dad so I stay in bed, but I know I'll be in for it soon, at the moment I'm enjoying the rest as much as I can.

Etj - I think some of these long waiting appointments are to train you patience for newborns!
Congrat's on the girl, great news

I have my GTT test tomorrow and may try and do a tour of the hospital, book in and all that, I'm so behind.

Firststar, Mumpbump -- thanks for your kind words. I am trying to see (well feel) the bigger picture, but am struggeling right now with the overwhelming sadness about her having a healthy baby in her arms and me not. It's just very unfair. (I know it's a blessing that I am pg and have reason to be hopeful but I just can't get there right now emotionally).
You are right, Firststar, if I hear HB I will be over the moon.

Mumpbump -- thank you so much for the link.
The problem is that I am not employed under Bristish law but work for an international organization, where the director can make up rules on a case by case basis (we do not even have to follow European law). Until recently (2 yrs ago) we had no maternity leave and women's contracts got terminated when they fell pregnant. But things are moving: there is maternity leave now and we faught even for an equal opportunity policy, which we will get (albeit a down-boilt version of it) sometime this year. It's otherwise a great instutition to work for and one nice side-effect is that I have a private insurance from Belgium, that has been excellent. The only problem is that if there are no official rules, you do not 'know your rights', because you do not have any. Right now my contract is up for renewal which is why I keep my pg secret at this point (and have become quite clever in conceiling my swelling belly (which is a good sign, but I also gained weight with mmc, so no guarantee)). Well, this post is probabaly emotional enough to convince everybody of rising hormone levels :-) As Uki once said to me (and I loved it!): crying over forgetting folic acid -- you sound pregannt to me :-)

Thanks again just had one of these breakdown - where I sob uncontrollably and beging to shake like crazy but feel already better now.

Glimmer - that's awful! I can't believe that an international organization can get away with employment terms like that in this day and age... What is your local NHS hospital like? I have to say that mine (East Surrey) was very good when I had ds and the antenatal care was fine - but I probably do not have very high expectations of the NHS, to be fair...

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Mumpbump I am normally a reasonable person, but I got really traumatized by last years events at my NHS hospital (that's why I try to avoid it if psossible). Some of you were supporting me during that time on the TTc thread, so I hope you won't mind me repeating old stories. The first ERPC after my mmc was incomplete, so I had to have another one 8 weeks after the first one. The problem was that I kept going back to my GP and EPU (need to be referred) and they insisted that I am fine rather than doing any tests (a scan would have been all I needed the remained materical was huge -- I am not sure they removed anything at all druing the first ERPC). Since I had positive pg test, my GP first thought I am pg again (fair enough), then that I had an ectopic (but send me home until I would start faiting), then they suspected molar pregnancy.
After the 2nd ERPC I had a cervical stenosis caused by scarring and again nobody took me serious when I didn't get my period after 12 weeks. I actually was bleeding, but it couldn't come out and was pressed through the gap next to the ovaries into my abdomen. To my understanding it could have turned septic anytime and I could have died. Again, it was easily diagnosable, but did didn't give me a scan (since I was not bleeding that's the irony). In short, I have no trust in hospital or GP, have tried changing GPs several times etc. They are still treating me like a drama queen rather than a short apology which is all I would want. Yes, I am stressed and traumatized by the events of last year and I am very suspicious of everything I am told within the NHS (this does no go against individuals who do their absolute best but the system had failed with regard to me). The only person I trust is a consultant I have seen privately, and who diagnosed the mmc, and both complications, but doesn't do private births.

I remember you mentioning this before, but not sure I knew all the details. I can understand you wanting to give the hospital a WIDE berth... What about opting for homebirth where you get two midwives and the same ones throughout? Might be a compromise, but only if you're not high risk...

Firststar -- well, maybe I paint the picture too bleak. While I think that the rules at the instituation I work need to be changed (and have got us few women organized...) I do not stress about the work-related issues (one thing I do not stress about!) I think my boss and especially my super-boss will be supportive and they have been extremely supportive with events last year. And I do not stress too much about my contract, since, ahem, they need me..., and I am quite good at what I do .

What's a GTT test?

Mumpbump -- yes, homebirth is what I would like to go for. The only problem is that if things do not go smoothly (and it's unclear if my cervix will 'cooperate'), I end up in the hospital that I am trying to avoid. So I need to decide if this is a risk I want to take, or if I go to another (possibly private) hospital instead. The great thing is that my insurance would pay for it, but the down-side that most private hospitals have sky-rocketing ceasarian rates... Lost of things to consider, in the health-care-jungle....

Where is your new pad? Would that change the hospital that you'd go to?

glimmer....your organisation sound awful . Are you based in the UK? If so, do they not have to tow the line with UK employment law....i would have thought they would have to follow the basic laws of the country that they operate in, it's why the laws were introduced on the first place, otherwise all the big multi-nationals would be shirking their responsibilities.

Glimmer, something else to consider. i think the private hospitals have high CS rates because a lot of the women who use them choose electives. I'm pretty sure they would be OK with a natural birth and would expect them to be more pro-active about birthing pools etc than NHS hospitals. Would your insurance cover you for an independant MW.....that way she could come to you to do your AN checks and saving you having to take time off..(provided there's somewhere at work you would be undisturbed, LOL)

Sorry as well that your finding things with regard to your friend difficult. One of my colleagues was pg at the same time as me when I had my first mc, and she had only just delivered when I had the second one. It was very distressing for me at the time, and she's only really a passing acquaintance rather than a friend.
Keep positive about the fact that you are pregnant and will soon have your own LO in your arms

Hi Glimmer
sorry I seemed to miss you, when you are having a rough time.

Just want to say i really doubt that hospital or dr sees you as a drama queen, and from my experience (i have felt the same) i don't care if they do think i am one, It's good to be responsible and on the look out for my own health.

I also was misdiagnosed and ended up with a emergency laporoscopy and almost removal of my right tube, I'm still not sure if i hadn't balled my eyes and begged the surgeon before op, whether i still would have my tube IYKWIM.

So i feel justified to be wary too. It was a good lesson to learn really as has helped me with ds too.

I'm really sorry about your friend though, she has probably stayed away most because she doesn't know what to say to you, and has no experience in any of this, it is only people who have had hardness/grief in their life that really understand it all, others shy away. I've gone through 3 friends being pg same as my due date, but mine were 3 m/c's. None of my friends in RL have really had m/c but it was old friends who have no children yet who were there and would ask. i think they just have empathy, but my pg friends none.

You sound so busy with work, baby and all that you need a little break or 'me time' i had a fantastic holiday at 22 weeks, I really needed it too, there was alot of emotions until it felt real.
Hope you feel better soon, How many weeks now?

Sorry you are feeling low glimmer My best friend was pg when I m/c (my baby would've been 2 months younger than hers) and like you I had planned to spend my maternity leave doing lots of things together. It is very hard so I know how you feel. As for fear of hospitals - I'm not much better than you (and what makes it worse is that I haven't even been through what you have and also I'm a nurse!)I think shopping around for a private hospital or going private at a different NHS hospital might be the way forward and will give you some peace of mind.

Hey Jossie only other advice was about labour really and the fact that you can?t have an epidural within 12 hours of a shot. They also told me that I?ll need medication for 6 weeks after the birth to protect me.

Ejt, wow that was a long day but a good appointment! What lovely news about having a daughter, congratulations! what?s CEFM? Glad the consultant listened to you.

Plummymummy ? I feel exactly the same, if it was a case of choosing, I?d go for a pink first but would be equally delighted with a blue one.

Thanks Juicy ? cereal bar is a good plan 1 week to go ? SO exciting!!!!

Mumpbump ? I hate needles too ? it?s so ironic!

More from me later

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Glimmer - another thought - why not get a doula as well to help you if you do have to stick with the NHS? In your situation, it might well be a justifiable cost!

Glimmer I am sorry that you have been feeling so low. No wonder you are feeling so scared after what you went through I don?t really have enough experience to help you but there have been some great suggestions from the others, for what it?s worth, I do agree with Daisy, I think a lot of people do elect to have sections in private hospitals. I plan to have a doula myself, DH is not good with me when I am scared or in pain and I think a doula would help us both make the experience the best it can be.

I?m sure it doesn?t make you feel any better but I am going through the same with my BF. She was so excited when I told her I was pg last time and we were 20 weeks apart. She has now had her baby but has been treating me like a leper ever since I lost mine, she won?t even let me visit her son ? now 2 weeks. I think I just have to accept that our relationship is not healthy anymore and we both need to move on.

Hey Uki hope tomorrow goes well. What?s that test?

Hello to everyone else

Glimmer, you could also change hospital. Sorry if you've explained why you can't do that and I missed it. Changing GP is difficult, because so many don't accept new patients these days, but changing hospital should not be hard.

I can see you've had a horrendous experience with the NHS, but I am enclined to say that you were very unlucky and that in another hospital you may have a completely different experience. I mean, the NHS is always going to be basic compared to the care you might get in other countries (maybe where health care is not free...) but I don't think that the kind of negligence that you witnessed is so widespread...I know it hardly helps to hear this once you've been a victim of negligence, but again, I wouldn't automatically assume this stuff happens every day, and everywhere.

I have no idea where you live and what the options are, but you should be able to have a choice. I've been considering changing hospital myself, and did a bit of research using mumsnet (I put the name of the hospital in the search engine) and other websites. Haven't made up my mind yet.

Also, I would second what people are saying that you could explore using the insurance money to pay for an independent midwife or doula. It could make a lot of difference.