Nobody does understand it, and it is crap. I would love to be excited and carefree but the fear comes back and gets you, and I've "only" had early losses, which I wouldn't have said affected me that badly! I mean I know we have the other genetic fear as well but it's still the sense that something could go wrong at any time, that you're not immune from it whereas I think if it's never happened to you you can blindly just tell yourself oh those things happen to other people, not me.
Still struggling a bit with our risks. After talking to DH we went to the doctor the next day for the more detailed scan and he asked us if we'd decided to do any more testing (amnio, basically) or if we just wanted the scans, and so I said we'd decided not to do the amniocentesis due to the risk but explained about this NIPT I'd found. He was really good and knew all about it already which was nice. But he said that it will only ever give you a risk factor, and also because it's a non standard test we'd likely have to ask our health insurance ourselves and they might say no because an amniocentesis will give you the same answer but with more certainty. And even if they did cover it we'd have to pay upfront and then get reimbursed which could take months and we don't have the money available, let alone spare, so we have ruled that out. Then he was asking if we got a positive result would we terminate, and I said yes and kind of looked at DH to confirm and he wasn't really meeting my eyes and I got the sense he was uncomfortable, so I was unsure again. DH asked what exactly was involved in the amniocentesis and what the risks were, and the doctor said he would show us when he did the scan, so we had the scan, which was nice and reassuring (except the baby's head is off the scale big! Gaah! But he said this was totally okay and not a sign of anything! 
) We talked some more about the amnio and I asked how quickly we could get an appointment if we wanted to do it so he made us the appointment for today (!) and said think about it and just call in the morning to cancel if you don't want to do it. We can also go back on Tuesday next week if we cancelled but change our minds.
So... that happened. I had to go to work afterwards which was a bit of a headfuck and DH had to go back to work as well. So I asked if he had time to get some lunch so that I wouldn't have to think about it all on my own all day, and he did, so we went to McDonald's and talked it over until my brain was just hurting and too full and I had no idea what to do any more and I felt like I was going to cry. He was saying that he doesn't think he could go through with a termination at this point anyway, not now we know we are having a boy and he's felt him move etc. He said he'd support me if it was what I wanted but if it was up to him he couldn't make that choice, and he'd rather deal with the possibility of disability, especially as it's a small possibility. We also both felt that it's silly to introduce a risk around the same or higher than the risk we're wanting to rule out. He said he's okay with the risk of the amniocentesis but he was worried about how both of us would cope if it led to a loss. We talked about how we'd get support if we did have a child with a disability, and I was alleviated a bit because he expressed quite a strong conviction that he'd take a larger role than I was envisaging. My fear is still that I'll be anxious the rest of the pregnancy not knowing and I'm worried about PND/PNA and not bonding with the baby. Ultimately my main thought yesterday was "What if I don't/can't love the baby?" and trying to write off the guilt of feeling that too, because guilt isn't going to help me process it, even if it's fair. I was finding it too hard to even call the baby "he" and kept saying "it" and again not wanting to look at the ultrasound picture or think about names despite having been happily scrolling through my name app on the way to the appointment. DH was annoying me a little saying that if the test would help alleviate my stress it would be useful because he's allowed to be stressed but he's worried me stressing will hurt the baby. I said I am allowed to be stressed and it's not a risk to the baby.
Then I missed my train from McDonald's to work, found the next one was nearly an hour and just burst into tears on the platform and felt shit about everything for a minute. I think that helped TBH. I could solve the train problem so I had my little tension release and then looked up the nearest stop on my app and that was something under my control so I felt better, like I could move on and go and concentrate on work. I didn't really do my best but never mind. By the time I got home in the evening I had mostly decided I didn't want to do it (but brain still too full/overwhelmed) and then DH said let's not do it for now, but we can make the appointment for Tuesday if it's still bothering you over the weekend. I felt relieved when he said that so we decided definitely to cancel and I cancelled this morning and went to work instead. I only had the one class, so I had the afternoon and all of tomorrow to decompress and try to think about it privately without anything else going on. I am doing a bit better today - managed to go out and look at some clothes and even bought a few new bits but got frustrated and overwhelmed with needing to drink constantly and eat and then find toilets (which are scarce in Germany) so it didn't end up as a hugely bonding experience! I found a name I liked last night too but I think DH hates it but he's too scared to say in case it sets me off again 
But ultimately I think that now we've talked things over I don't want to do the amnio. I feel like while I'd be doing it for reassurance it is basically just opening the door to having to do a whole lot more thinking and discussing and making hard choices and we could just accept that the scan looked good and be done with it now and not have anything more to worry or stress about. What will be will be. I had been thinking that while a late termination would be horrendous it might be easier than the alternative overall, but now that I've realised DH's feelings on this have changed I'm not sure about that any more, and if it's not so clear cut then it doesn't seem worth the risk.
Would we like a new thread BTW? I can start one. Fresh start :)