Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

In your post you talk about the closeness you feel to him, and how he is your dearest confidante, and how awful it makes you feel that he is shutting you out.

Rather than just a kneejerk reaction of LTB, I wonder whether this is not the root of his relationship issues with pregancy, and you becoming a mum. Atm you are giving him a lot of emotional security, and he is mirroring that back to you, in a way that convinces you he is your best confidante. But you are obviously a very warm, caring, thoughtful person, and you have lots of love to give, to a baby and to your parents (those are obvious people that spring to mind atm, but there may be others you are also capable of being close to) I suspect he is manipulating you into thinking that he is the best and only person you can be close to, because he needs that from you. And then he presents it as you demanding things from him, asking too much of HIM.

In reality he is demanding all your attention and all your love and extremely jealous of other people getting it. He is not giving you love back, except as a mirror. He is being controlling and he thinks he is being rational/sensible/using arguments to gaslight you...what you did before....pro-choice....compromise....don't be bullied by other people (ie your parents' past decisions)...don't be taken in...belittling you on an intellectual level and arguing that your decisions are entirely emotional. And then when that doesn't work, saying you are hurting his feelings...

It's hard when you invest so much in someone to see them for what they are, or your relationship for what it is. He has a lot of hard lessons ahead of him, it would be cruel to let him continue thinking and living like this, if you love him you honestly could not let him continue to control other people in this way.

Please follow your heart and have your baby. Ditch your DH though, he sounds bloody awful, I know that's probably not what you want to hear about him. But it's true.

He wants to wait 5/10yrs?

You've already been together 9yrs!

It does sound as if he is stringing you along.

I can't imagine being married, financially OK & husband greeting an unplanned pregnancy by being terrified.

Whatever you do it sounds as if the relationship will struggle.

I 'll put my cards on the table first, I am pro-choice and I am infertile.

If you want a child do not have this abortion. In 5 years time it will something else and then 5 more years. You've been sold a bill of goods.

Remember family is what you make it, if it comes to it I'm sure you and your child will be a happy little family

he doesn't want kids. That's fine - but what isn't fine is the delaying tactics rather than having the balls to say 'I don't want kids'. What is horrific is his childish attitude to you now. Sulking and stropping won't solve this.

too late now. You get to decide. This is probably single-parent time, I'm afraid. I wish you the best.

Thank you all so, so much, everyone. It's made me well up feeling so supported by you all. Getting it off my chest and being listened to is such an enormous relief.

I know that it seems totally irresponsible to have had three unplanned pregnancies. Our contraceptive history has been quite a rollercoaster. We (well, I) have tried everything. The pill made me a suicidal wreck. The mini-pill was great until I got pregnant on it :( Then I tried IUDs - the copper one was just hell, and the Mirena was fantastic but caused ovarian cysts, one of which ruptured and sent me to A&E. Then we used the diaphragm and spermicide. I gained a little weight and didn't realise that could throw things out of whack - that was the second pregnancy.

This time, I was using that Natural Cycles app, and condoms when I was fertile. Evidently something went wrong somewhere. I know it seems stupid to trust NFP now, but it worked fantastically for over a year and I thought I'd found the holy grail of contraception...

I'd have been happy to use condoms all the time, but my husband hates the sensation of them. Tale as old as time.

I know my husband sounds awful. He is being awful. And I have to admit I'm relieved to hear you all think the same. But generally, he's wonderful. Attentive, caring, hard-working, level-headed, affectionate. And I'm not a saint myself, I'll be the first to admit.

I'm beginning to think you're all right, and he just never wanted children.

I would really like to tell my Mum and get her advice, but I'm still sort of hoping he'll come round, and we can do a proper happy announcement after the 3-month mark. I don't want to bitch about my husband to his mother-in-law; it seems kind of low. And I don't want what should be a happy announcement to be clouded by drama and sadness. So I'll probably wait.

I did tell my sister though, and swore her to secrecy. She told me that my husband just needs time. I hope she's right.

I might just take my car and go and stay at a friend's this weekend. Give him some space.

Thank you all again. I'll update later.

Whatever the decision, you need to stop using abortions as contraception and either double up on methods or him have the snip.

It sounds like he doesn't want children but you did and are happy with the current situation. Therefore you have a choice, accept it's likely the end of your marriage or don't have a child. There's no nice decision. You were both very silly given you knew your contraceptive methods obviously aren't working.

He obviously doesn’t want kids ever. There’s no real reason for you to wait 5 years. I’m guessing that he wants to stall, then there will be some other reason not to TTC in 5 years.

If you are secure now and happy about your pregnancy then go for it. Why wait til you are 33? Fertility can decline, and even if he does miraculously want a baby at that point, you may well find it harder. The TTC boards are full of people who have spent years trying for a baby.

He honestly sounds like a controlling manchild who needs to realise babies don’t just happen when things are perfect.

you either need to get rid of both and find someone who is in love with you and wants a child with you, or get rid of your husband, as he isn't and doesn't.

Termination is not the end of the world, but if i definitely did not want a termination then I wouldn't be forced into it by someone dangling a future baby as a carrot. Be prepared to be alone with your baby. I could not stay with a man who had behaved the way he has behaved towards you.

Did his parents regard him as "a prison sentence"? There has to be more to this than meets the eye.

Most people who don't want children at one stage or another, have complex reasons for not wanting to recreate their own parents' marriages or their own childhoods. Is that unreasonable to say?

I'm really sorry that you're in this situation. I agree, like just about everyone else, that it sounds like you really want this baby, and that you absolutely shouldn't have an abortion you don't want. I do think, however, that you need to consider the possibility that you'll be raising this baby alone - which isn't necessary a disaster, lots of people do it very happily and successfully! But I think that while he might come round, you need to be prepared for the possibility that he will not.

For that reason I think you should tell your mum, if you want to. You need to have your support network around you to help you figure out how you're going to prepare for this baby, whatever happens.

DO what you feels right, by the sounds of it you know what you want so go for it.

I sat my partner down before Christmas and had the 'chat' I'm 30 and he 32 and I felt I didn't want to wait any longer. I'm so glad I did as he admitted no time was right and we're in a really good position, career and financially. We could be better but we're still in a good place... doesn't mean it didn't come as a shock to him and took a few days to come round when we found out we were expecting so soon after making the decision to go for it but doesn't mean we're not pleased.

I'd come and give you a hug if we're at the same university!

5-10 years? What a suspiciously round number. Sounds like emergency future faking off the top of his head. BTW if you decide to have this baby and stay together, or any future baby, please make him understand that he must be a proper parent or not at all. Ie if the words "well you're the one who wanted it, you sort it out" ever pass his lips when the baby is crying/is covered in poo/is keeping the lord and master from his beauty sleep when he has to get up for his Very Important ManJob the next day, then divorce papers will be served toot sweet.

He "decided" you could "compromise" by doing what he wants and you don't?
Then you can decide to compromise by doing what you want and he doesn't. Do you think this will end in a breakup?

I think a weekend away with a sympathetic friend sounds like a great idea.

Keep your baby and terminate your marriage instead. I couldn't remain married to someone so cold. Congratulations on your baby OP

Most people who don't want children at one stage or another, have complex reasons for not wanting to recreate their own parents' marriages or their own childhoods. Is that unreasonable to say?

Yes, it is unreasonable. Wanting children isn't the default and not wanting them doesn't need a special psychological explanation (I say that as someone who is currently pregnant with a desperately wanted baby). People are allowed to just not want children. What they aren't allowed, however, is to treat their partners how OP's has treated her.

either double up on methods or him have the snip

THIS ^

It does look as though he doesn't ever want a family - why doesn't he have a vasectomy instead of putting you through the physical and emotional roller-coaster of repeated pregnancies and abortions? (Because he doesn't want his precious bollocks interfered with, I expect.)

He retains his fertility just in case he changes his mind (when he is 50!). In the meantime, you ave lost yours . . .

Your last post made me furious on your behalf OP! He really is willing to put your body through anything so long as he can have an unencumbered shag.

Talk to your mum - she's your mum and it sounds like you need all the support you can get. If your husband doesn't like how he comes out of the conversation then he should behave better.

I hope you have a restful weekend.

So you have been through every hormonal contraception going, experienced horrible side effects, also undergone two terminations- and he won't even wear condoms? What an absolute prick.

Please don’t have an abortion, you have a baby inside you, it’s really there and very exciting......I would walk over hot coals for my children....you will feel the same.

Your husband sound like a child, I’d do it without his support to be honest, once you have your baby you will wonder what ever possessed you to even consider his demands.

Congratulations and good luck......now sounds like as good a time as any for a baby!

I have just really read your posts. Mt gut feeling is that it would not be in your best interests to have another abortion.

Another tale that is as old as time is women who have have had abortions to please someone else. Fertility can be fragile and if you want a child you may have to grasp this nettle and have it. He may or may not 'come round'. You have to make the decision that is in front of you though.

I am just a stranger on the internet, so feel free to ignore me.

I think ditching him for the weekend sounds great. He'll only sulk, bully, make you feel bad, badger and nag. Because he is not a lovely person. Sorry, but hopefully the scales will fall from your eyes soon. No one who behaves as he has is a lovely person. Keep repeating the mantra, 'This is no longer up for discussion. I will not have another abortion. My body is not a compromise.' Over and over. And stop engaging with him.

He doesn't like condoms, he needs to own up, admit he never wants kids and get the snip.