Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

Sorry OP but I think it's 'cards on the table' time. You need a proper sit down conversation with your DH. Do not have the abortion as it is not what you want. That's very clear from your post. Also your title, unfortunately is misleading - this is not your first, but now third pregnancy/baby, which makes the situation even more tough that you've been through this before. Clearly you were in agreement with the previous two, but now times have changed, as have you and this is the time to start your family. If he's not willing to be onboard then I'm not sure he is your best friend or worthy to be your husband. You've been together a long time from quite a young age - perhaps your ideas of life together are now different. Keep the baby and, if he's not happy, move on from him. Is he adamant you should abort, perhaps he's scared? I could never stay with my DH is he behaved like yours is ......

You poor thing he sounds awful. Have the baby if you want it. It sounds like you'd be able to provide for it alone. Try to reach out to friends too you might be surprised how they could be there for you.

Sorry your age would be 32-37, but the point still stands. I was 32 when I had my first (conceived first try), ttc my second at 34 was awful.

Please have my first ever LTB.
Fertility is not forever. I got pregnant ridiculously easily at 27. At 30 I was unable to conceive.

What TheLegendofBeans said, every word.

If you terminate, the way you are feeling about this pregnancy, this is likely to destroy your relationship anyway. He is being beyond selfish in this, expecting you to fit round him and take all the physical and emotional consequences while his life continues unaltered, and clearly not above a bit of emotional blackmail because he expects you to do what he wants. His plan of 'waiting 5-10 years' is incredibly cruel on you. Because then he can (at least theoretically, although age does not pass male fertility by either) have a change of heart and swan off into the sunset with someone younger, while you may well struggle - you may not, but you may. I have been pregnant nine times (6 miscarriages, three children). I got pregnant extremely easily in my late twenties - first or second cycle every time. By my mid-thirties it began to take noticeably longer and when I finally conceived dd at 37 it had taken a year.

You have already had a termination you were ambivalent about to please him. If you terminate this pregnancy I believe you will regret it bitterly and come to hate him, and tbh you will be justified in doing so. If he leaves you to go it alone, that is its own measure of the person he is, and not a good one.

Good luck.

You want this baby and are excited about it.
Keep your baby.
Maybe your husband will come round and you'll have a nice family, maybe he won't.
If he doesn't, it will be hard, but you will cope.
Good luck.

Sorry you're going through this. Definitely don't get an abortion. Be 100% firm in your decision and he will hopefully come round over the next 9 months.

Our DS was completely unplanned and total wrong timing. We were just about to start saving for a house deposit. My husband's first reaction was that he was 'gutted and devastated'. He came round to the idea and is now an amazing husband and father to our now 20 month old.

Oh and you won't be alone. You'll have baby. They make fab companions when older! And even when little!

I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

You’re being so brave. Stay strong! You can do it! And you’re right. And abortion is never a compromise. Have one if you want one, don’t have one if you don’t. It’s your body.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'.

He sounds horrible. He knew what could and has already happened. He chose to have an orgasm and to not get a vasectomy!!

You are selfish?

YOU are selfish?!?!?!?

Your husband is the selfish one! HE doesn't want a child now so he wants YOU to undergo an unpleasant and emotionally devastating procedure so that HE isn't put out by having a child in the relationship.

Does he take any responsibility for contraception ie use condoms in addition to whatever form of contraception you use? I'll bet he doesn't, and that you are the one shoving chemicals into your system. messing about with caps and spermicide etc.

If you want this baby, go ahead with your pregnancy. I think that there are very few men, if any, who can imagine the emotional turmoil women suffer when they have to abort any baby, let alone one that they want.

In tactical terms too, the older you get, the less easily you will become pregnant (even though it looks as though you could get up the duff from using the same flannel as him at the moment) - and abortions, whether chemical or surgical can also seriously affect fertility.

Don't be bullied. Have your beautiful baby. He will most probably fall in love with him/her, too, but if not, you know what a selfish man you gave your love to.

he is really not your best friend, is he?

OK, so this time (and the last two times) it's been pregnancy. What if next time it's a job (you get offered a great job but it's the 'wrong timing' for him) or the chance of a new house (but it's not where he wants to be) but he keeps promising that you can try for another job in five years, or look for a new house somewhere it suits him?

I know marriage and babies are a two way street, but he does rather seem to tell you what you are allowed to do, doesn't he. Is he like this with other things, or just babies?

Make your decision (sounds like you want the baby) and tell him he's either with you or he's nowhere. I think it's time you put your foot down, or he'll be telling you where you're going to live and what job you're going to be doing next.

seems unanimous OP. And sounds awful - do you own a house together or rent? Can you ask him to leave or would you go back to your parents?

He does not want children. He will not want them in 5 years either. When you see it and leave him, it might be too late for you. No man who wants children will insist that his wife has 3 abortions because timing is not perfect.

I'm totally pro-choice. It is clear you have made a choice here and if you terminate because of his demands, I don't see how your relationship will survive.

Oh OP I'm so sorry to read this.

I had an abortion 10 years ago for the same reasons as your first one. I also don't regret it, although it does make me feel sad to think about.

You write your post with such conviction, you know what you want. When I had my abortion, even though there was a part of me that wanted to keep the baby, I knew it was the right decision for us and that I wouldn't resent my DH as it was our decision. I think that if you had an abortion you would end up resenting him. I also think that based on what you have said, he may not actually want children, he seems to vague about it. What if you got to 35 or 40 and he still didn't want any? Then what? I think you have to really think about that.

I also don't think he has much respect for you. Talking about abortions as if they were a run of the mill procedure. He isn't showing you any support, even when discussion abortion he's trying to emotionally blackmail you.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Probably take a couple of days away from him to get some space, but maybe that's just me. Please please though don't have an abortion, unless you REALLY want to. You'll regret it forever otherwise.

You clearly want this baby. You have a job with great maternity leave / pay amd your parents are currently still in a position to properly bond with the baby.

Congratulations [flower]

They’re noisy, stinky, burpy... little buggers. But honestly rather awesome ;)

It's very hard to let go of the idea of the "family" in which your dh plays a vital part, not just the conception but is there as the loving father to your new baby.

However, I think you need to put this bit out of the equation. You and your baby make a much much better "family" (and your parents are there too, remind yourself) than he obviously will.

How can you share your life in years to come with someone who doesn't understand your emotional life at all and talks in such a rational chilling way about decisions, as if life is about planning and decisions; most of our lives things that happen that we don't plan, cannot forsee, and not being able to make sense of "unplanned" events is a kind of naivety at best, selfishness at worst, that doesn;t bode well for your lives together. What if you got sick and couldn't work, or had a masectomy, or cancer, or if you had a mental illness, how would he deal with any of that, much much worse scenarios than a baby..fgs..but all the things you sign up to when you marry someone or make a life with.

Please please don't let his opinion make the difference to your opinion. You are the person most affected by this. Your opinion and gut feeling counts here.

Philosophers can be shit at rationalising. I've met a few.

Ultimately, this is your decision. If your husband didn't want a child right now (especially after knowing you've been pregnant together twice before!), he should be taking more responsibility for preventing that happening. I can't imagine you are both using multiple forms of birth control and STILL managing to get pregnant. If he doesn't want a baby, he should be doing more to prevent that happening.

If he is your best friend and as much of a support as you say he is, he will rally around you and be there for your whatever you decide. If he doesn't, then you know that probably isn't the case.

As for where he is in his professional life, it sounds like he needs to reach out more to other academic parents and get a sense of how doable it is to have kids at this career stage. I'm also an academic. My dh and I had our first when I was 4 years into a 7 year PhD programme. I was still able to finish and graduate on time, even with taking a year off for maternity leave. I was also lecturing part-time and conducting research in several other countries. It did mean having a supportive partner at home who had a good salary and family who could help when we needed it. But it is completely doable. I also did a year postdoc last year and am now pregnant with our 2nd. I'll take another year off and go back to do hopefully another 3 year postdoc after mat leave. I truly think I never would have achieved all of that if I HADN'T had my dd. Being a parent has made me so much more ambitious and organised and productive. Even with 2 years of maternity leave, I won't have lost time compared to my non-parent colleagues because they just don't get as much done as I do. It really isn't a death sentence to an academic career at all and especially so for dads, who don't take much time off or usually share the same load of parenting duties frankly. So just something to think about.

Ultimately, you have to live with the choices you make in life and if you know what feels right, trust your intuition. Long term you really won't be happy in a marriage anyway where you have such huge regret about something so big.

He sounds vile , you are 27 and he is 29 . It's a perfect time to have your first child ! It's not even young! I got pregnant while using contraception when I was 29 Ans didn't want children . I went with it though and she is the best thing ever now 14 !! .. don't they the abortion ! !!

It sounds like he doesn't want to grow up. He wants to carry on having sex and sending you for terminations when that sex results in babies. It also sounds like this is his plan for life while he dangles a carrot in the form of some vague possibility of a family in the future to keep you compliant.

You want this baby therefore you should not have a termination. I've seen more than one person whose life has been destroyed by having a termination they really didn't want. Please don't do that to yourself.

As previous posters have said, neither option is likely to save your relationship so you would be better going with the decision that offers you the best prospect of personal happiness.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry that your husband is being so unsupportive. Given how happy you seem to be (thinking of names etc), it seems to me that if you go ahead with a termination that you'd regret it. The previous ones you've had, you were in a different position; the point being, that just because you've previously felt that was the right path to take, it doesn't mean it is this time.

How would you feel if you got a termination this time then you and your husband separated? Would you regret it?

It sounds like he has no idea of the potential impact on you and your body. I have to echo a previous poster and say that he sounds incredibly controlling.

I really hope you're able to move forwards with a decision you're happy with, one way or another. Please don't be pushed into anything by your husband.

Sweetie...your baby will love you so much more than he ever could/ would...you will be a fantastic mum x

Agree with others this is a man who doesn't want children. In 5 years he'll want to wait another 5 or find another reason to delay/not have children. The language he's using indicates a man who needs to grow the fuck up.
A word of caution re: fertility too; I was ridiculously fertile in my 20s, now 37 and appear to be in early stages of perimenopause. Don' rely on the idea that you would get pregnant easily.
You want this baby and if you had a termination my suspicion is you'd end up resenting him anyway.

Your husband sounds vile. The things he is saying to you are spiteful and unforgivable. Please don't abort your baby. He has no intentions of ever having a child with you.