Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

Don't know what to say, but holding your hand x

He sounds dreadful. Don’t have an abortion. You haven’t tricked him into pregnancy and your reasons for going ahead are reasonable.

I think you probably need to be prepared to go it alone though, if it came to that.

Does he have any friends with children you could spend some time with?

Fertility isn’t a given forever. There is no guarantee of a baby in 5 years.

So sorry OP but he sounds like Satan himself. Like a selfish, man-child fuckwad who needs a slap.

WHO does he think he IS!??

How dare he!

I have to tell you that by the sound of it, you're better off without him...and you should of course have the baby but even if he does change his mind, any man who would pressure a woman like this is NOT a best friend or even a good man.

Forge ahead...tell him that you're going ahead no matter what he says. And consider leaving him.

You clearly don’t want an abortion, don’t let your husband pressure you into one. It’s time he put his big boy pants on and started acting like a man and support your decision, no matter what.

You are not selfish for wanting a baby.
You won’t hate being a mum, it’s something you clearly want.

Of course things will change between you, but it’s not to say for worse, it made me and my DH marriage so much stronger.

Most important thing, you are not alone

Nobody can make you have an abortion. If you don't want an abortion don't have one. That would be my advice. I think your DH is absolutely in the wrong putting you under this immense pressure to do something you just don't want to do. It doesn't sound like he ever wants children. You should have some impartial counselling to talk through your feelings before making a final decision. Hope things work out.

I’d be getting rid of him before I’d even consider an abortion.

He sounds like an absolute tosser and please do not do anything on his instruction.
Some of the things he has said to you are utterly unforgivable.

Fertility is indeed not forever, I've just gotten pregnant after TTC for 18 months, I'm 31. Put yourself in that position, its 5 years from now and you are struggling to conceive and he's made you have 3 abortions? Would he still be your world and your best friend?

Maybe my view is jaded by my own experience, I'll take that. But please do not do anything on his instruction.

Please don't get an abortion. You want this baby, and in my opinion that is what matters. He is being awful.

I think you need to mentally prepare to do this alone though, and please don't think that the same will happen to him as your own dad.

How would you feel if you had an abortion and in 5 years if you can't get pregnant?

He doea sound awful. I got pregnant by an ex partner, we had broken uo but were seeing each other occasionally. Even he didnt say anything awful like that to me and he was very pissed off. For aomeone who you’re married to in a seemingly happy marriage, it’s beyong the pale he’s said those things.
It seems he is vehemently against having children. Had you not discussed it before getting married?

I’m shocked at how awful your husband is! You’re financially stable, married and have a house and you want to have children. There is absolutely no good reason not to have this child. He is being an unbelievable dickhead about this. Your body, your choice. Any man not supporting you in this frankly deserves the boot.

Have the baby and get rid of your piece of shit husband.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Don't have a termination if you personally don't want to.

Your husband with his almost doctorate in philosophy probably thinks he's right about everything, because after all he's able to reason and argue with conviction. Doesn't really work when it comes to your actual life and your wife though.

He sounds deeply unlikeable to me.

He is not your best friend.
He sounds really horrid.

Is there no one else you can talk to, OP?

To be blunt, you won’t get completely objective responses on a parenting website. Most people here will be absolutely on your side and see your DH as very much in the wrong (I think the same, to be completely honest).

I’m wondering if your DH just doesn’t want children full stop. In 5 years time he’d think of another reason to not have a baby.

As others have said, you might have to it alone, but you must do what’s right for you.

Don't get an abortion that you don't want. You have a stable job with good maternity provision, so you are miles again of loads of women who have unplanned pregnancies.

You can have the baby and raise it by yourself if you have to. If you have an abortion it is highly unlikely your marriage will survive anyway.

He doesn't sound like a good man. He sounds appallingly selfish. I would suspect that in 5 years that wouldn't be the right time either.

I am going to be very blunt here.

Your DH doesn’t want a baby.
Another abortion at his bidding is likely to destroy your relationship regardless.
Should you abort now and manage to get past it what will you do if you get to 5 years from now and he’s still stalling?

The MN populace have the right to flame me for this but as a woman who has seven - that’s right SEVEN - people around me who are all under 35 and cannot conceive I would counsel you to think very carefully.

Of course contraception is the responsibility of both parties but if he was deadly serious about no babies he’d put something on the end of it EVERY TIME. I’m guessing this is not the case.

It’s your body and your decision. There are others on here who’ve gone it alone and will tell you their stories but as the child of a parent who did just that I’ve grown up a happy, well adjusted adult.

If you want this child - for the right reasons - then don’t terminate.

So sorry to read this, it must be so hard. Of course you mustn't have an abortion if you don't want one - I doubt you would ever get over that. You know him best, but it strikes me that rather than stringing you along, your husband may just be very very scared of change. He may get over it in the next few months, or he may not.

Would you consider showing him your post here, or parts of it, especially the second to last paragraph, and asking him to read it carefully and talk to you at a mutually agreed quiet time?

Also, not for nothing, fertility can decline very sharply in your 30s, perhaps you could both look into that if you feel like this might help your husband decide what he wants (except an abortion obviously, he can't make you do that).

You can survive having a baby on your own if it comes to it, but I hope it does not come to that xx

He's an arsehole and seriously what contraception are you using? Is he using condoms?

Don't have the abortion. The decision has to be about you & your body.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me, he seems quite happy to keep getting you pregnant and then seems to think 'oh well, you can just have an abortion' because he has no interest in having the child.

That would be it for me, leave the husband, have the baby.

Your husband is horrible.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

It's your body. He played the game knowing the potential outcome. If you want this baby keep it. If necessary make a life for the pair of you. If you DH can't see what all this means to you then he's not your best friend.

No one can force you to have an abortion. It's your body. Tbh he sounds like an arsehole. I'm pg with my second, it wasn't exactly planned and couldn't have happened at a worse time as we are in the process of selling our house and moving areas but at no point did my dh suggest abortion as he knows I wouldn't want one. I think the best thing you can do is focus on you and baby, and look at how you will cope if he doesn't come round to the idea. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

Congratulations OP!

What are his fears exactly? Missed opportunities? His academic career? There are plenty of postdocs who are great fathers too.

Sorry that your husband is saying such awful things to you. Stay strong for yourself and your little bean.

I would leave him. I cant imagine my partner to ever say such horrible things to me! I know maybe I'm assuming too much, but it does not look like a healthy relationship at all and quite one sided.If he loves you, and if what your relationship is based on friendship, love and trust, I don't get how he can be hurting your feelings this way. It's your body, and your feelings, and he is being incredibly selfish and bullying and I would even say abusive. You need to stop being dependent on him. No one can guarantee he will want a kid in 5 or 10 years, and for you it may be too late. And then what. Will you be happy having no kids? Will you be able to forgive him his hurting you to this extent? Can you be happy knowing he only considers himself and puts his ego above your wellbeing, while you sacrifice your happiness for his lifestyle?
I would not be able to do this, the baby would be my priority.