Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

This sounds awful, OP, I am so sorry.

Your husband sounds like he hasn't the faintest idea of how hard it's been for you. He sounds selfish and controlling (and I am a poster who usually hates it when "controlling" is trotted out in these types of threads).

It's your body, your choice.

I think that you should think about what you want. If necessary could you go it alone? If no and above all else you want to stay married I guess that you have to take his wishes into consideration. If you want this baby above all else then tell him that. You will have this baby with or without him and that he can decide what he wants to do. I would think very carefully about this. What if you agree to have an abortion now on the basis that you will try again in 5 years time but then in 5 years time he decides that he wants to wait longer? What if he strings you along until it is too late for you to conceive and then he decides that he absolutely wants children and leaves you to start a family with someone else? What if you agree to the abortion in the hope that you can save your marriage but then you realise that you can't be happy with a man like this?

Honestly, I wouldn't let someone else make a decision as big as this for me. I do understand. When I was pregnant tests showed that I had an increased risk oh DS. My husband told me that he couldn't cope and so wanted me to have a termination if necessary. I told him that I couldn't do it (am very proud choice before anyone slates me. I'm not saying anyone else should do this or even that I was right. It was just how I felt at the time.) I told him I would do it with or without him and I meant it.

Really think about what you want, you have put him first before and are you willing to do it again?

He doesn't want children, no man makes his wife have 3 abortions if he wants children.

There are other men out there, ones who are compassionate. I was a single mum and found a wonderful man.

I read somewhere that when a couple disagree on whether or not to carry on with a pregnancy it's unlikely the relationship survives, whatever they then actually do. I think you have to face this as the most likely outcome for your marriage. You and your husband disagree on what is a dealbreaker issue for many people. In your shoes I'd have the baby and accept that will mean going it alone.

• pro choice (not proud. I am not proud of my choice)

Hi, Feel for you but I agree with The Legend, take it from someone who couldn't have children, you can't take these things for granted just because you have fallen now there is no guarantee for the future, 5 years is a long time in the fertility game.

You obviously don't want to terminate so don't because you will regret this one if you are made to do it. You have rights too. Even terminating multiple times could cause you future problems.

Thinking of you xxx

It seems he is vehemently against having children. Had you not discussed it before getting married?

^I agree. To me it seems he does not ever want to have children.

Don't abort another pregnancy at his wish. Jesus Christ he is a toad isn't he? Just pop off dear and get that little inconvenience flushed out because I don't fancy a baby despite getting you pregnant 3 fucking times!
Are you 'ridiculously fertile' or do you take risks with contraception?
I'm sorry your husband is such a twat. Definitely don't abort based on a promise to try in future. 1- you will probably split up if he makes you abort 2- he may change his mind 3- you may not conceive easily. Conception in your 30s is by no means a given.

You should have this baby.

If the relationship cannot support a baby after 9 years , then there is something wrong with the relationship.

(Unless this was always agreed in which case he should have had a vasectomy)

It may be that your husband needs to go. He is living in 'never never land'. He is not your friend. He has little real empathy.

At 30 it is a good time for you to have this baby.

I dont think he does want children, hes stringing you along to get an abortion and in 5 years there will be another reason why you cant have children just yet. Do what you want op, at the moment your dh is making it all about him.

Agree with the others that if you want the baby, you have to go ahead with it. It's not fair on you to keep on waiting and fertility isn't forever... my cousin has struggled to conceive after having an abortion.

I think it's harder for men to feel attached straight away. Our pregnancy was very much planned and we went for an early scan at 8 weeks for my peace of mind. Even though it looks like a little blob, you can see a heartbeat and it all becomes more real. This was especially true for my husband. I'd maybe suggest going for one so your husband can see that it's a living thing inside of you, not something you can easily just get rid of. It would make things harder for you if you still went ahead with the abortion though.

5-10 years is into your less fertile years. I don't think he wants kids at all.

He’s described having a baby now as a prison sentence and a void opening up in his life. He isn’t going to want to do it in 5 years either. Or in 10 years or in whatever timeframe he’s suggested. And there will always be something coming up in your lives at that point that he’ll see as a reason to put it off again (sick parents need care, he’s working all hours as an early career academic, he’s got a job at the other end of the country just for a few years because it was the only option, something).

This is your body and your pregnancy. You don’t owe him an abortion and it is wrong and cruel of him to call YOU selfish for not just happily going along with what he wants.

He can want all he likes, it's not his decision.

'Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.'

And you stick to this. Because he's stringing you along. He doesn't want children. He doesn't want children. He doesn't want children.

He's not going to want them in 5 years, either.

Practise saying this in a mirror on your own, 'This is no longer up for discussion. I will not have another abortion. My body is not something to be compromised.'

Over and over and repeat it to him like a broken record.

If he didn't want kids he should have worn a condom every time since no single method of contraception in 100%.

He doesn't want a baby.

You both need to stop using abortions as contraception. And I say that as someone who is vehemently pro-choice.

Be prepared to go it alone, I think. This is not a nice man.

From what you are saying I think an abortion would be a big mistake for you, it sounds like you would regret it instantly. It sounds to me like his "compromise" is just a way to get you to go through with the abortion. He may never want children and him saying try in a couple of years is just a way of fobbing you off for now. Would you really want to wait 5-10 years then have him potentially turn round to you then and say he's changed his mind he dosnt want kids?
If you want this baby keep it and don't let him persuade you otherwise.

Congratulations, Op. Sounds like a very wanted baby, and you sound clear headed and relatively financially settled.

For petes sake do not have another abortion you don't want. In 5 or 10 years your fertility might be off a cliff, or you might realise he a toad who never wants a family, and you'll have declined fertility and the regret of 3 terminations. I have friends who's partners have spent a decade putting it off, then suddenly buggered off with a 25 year old and had babies with them. And while termination shouldn't affect your fertility, what if the 3rd does?

I think you may well lose him, but he doesn't sound like your friend, he sounds like a self important wanker who is not considering your feelings as much as a bunch of strangers on mn. Doing it alone is hard, I can't lie, but as hard as waking up childless at 39 when you wanted kids with this under your belt? I don't think so.

I am shocked you have had two abortions and that complete prat is expecting you to have a third.
Ditch him and keep your baby.

Oh OP huge hugs.

Do not be pressured into something you don't want to do. Whether he stays or not you and the baby will be just fine.

I think you should go ahead and have this baby. It is your choice, not his. I think your relationship is ruined whether you decide to terminate or not as he sounds awful, controlling and not supportive. And I mean this in the least offensive way possible, but you have already had two abortions and are considering another. I understand that its not a decision to be made lightly, but you're right that you can't just keep throwing away babies ( in your own words) until the stars align and everything is perfect and its suddenly the right time to have a baby. Because it probably never will be. Real life is not like that. You need to think where you will be in few years, whether he will be in your life or not and whether you are going to seriously regret your decision if you decide to terminate. You could end up really resenting this man. I hope you do make the right decision for you.

There is zero chance I would be getting an abortion in your circumstances. Your ‘D’H sounds like a right idiot, but then mine had a similar attitude to children at 29. Waiting until you are 34-39 to start trying for children is a ridiculous idea if you know you want them. Whilst you may be fertile now, by then your fertility may well have declined. Can you imagine how awful you’d feel if you aborted now and then struggled to conceive or had miscarriages (which are more common as your eggs age) later on. I can because I went through it, waited for my DH to be ready and whilst ttc no 1 was smooth, by the time I got to ttc no 2, I was again that bit older and it was far more difficult. I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the heartache of miscarriages and months of unsuccessful ttc.

If you want the baby keep it, please don’t let him bully you into an abortion.

"We" would not be having an abortion, YOU would be having an abortion.

It's your body, so your choice. Obviously he can have an opinion, but it is your choice, not his.
You want the baby, it seems to me your choice is already made.
If you did give in to pressure, could you ever forgive him? Do you trust him to stick to his "compromise"?

If it were me I don't think I could either forgive him or trust him.
And I can't quite get over him pushing you into an abortion just after your wedding.

There is very rarely the "perfect" time to have a child, there will always be something to pur it off, you cannot guarantee that you will be able to conceive as easily in another 5 years.

I am so sorry, but he sounds dreadful. He loves himself, not you.

Yeah, LTB.

Do you have somewhere you could go to have some thinking space. Your parents perhaps.

Tell him that you are not prepared to either consider an abortion or put up with his negative attitude towards your baby.

It sounds like he’s scared and doesn’t really want a baby but he’s having one. Give him some headspace and tell him you either both come back to be a family together or you don’t come back at all. I think it’s time to make a stand.

The way you are already speaking about this pregnancy indicates that if you were to have a termination you would never forgive yourself or him.

His attitude stinks, he is uncaring and unsupportive.

I would read him the riot act and then let him have a couple of days to sort himself out. If he didn't I'd choose the baby over him.