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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

434 replies

Bibonks · 05/01/2018 12:48

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

OP posts:
singingdetective · 05/01/2018 14:04

He doesn't want children, and I wouldn't waste time hoping that he'll "come round". You need to have a very serious conversation with him about where he stands on being a parent and brace yourself for going it alone.

Honeycombcrunch · 05/01/2018 14:04

I just knew your DH would be one of those men who don't like using condoms despite you suffering terrible side effects with other types of contraception.

I agree with all the pp and say don't have another abortion that you don't want.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/01/2018 14:05

Oh ho ho ho ho I could have guessed that he wouldn't be prepared to wear a condom. Noooo, you can go through it all, up to and including an A&E trip but OH NO the sensation of a condom just isn't possible for him to endure. Abortions all the way! I mean, it's only you, isn't it?

Angry

Just when you thought it wasn't possible to dislike this absolutely horrible, HORRIBLE man any more.

OP, your description of him as 'caring' tells me nothing except the fact that you are utterly brainwashed by him, and the fact that when all's ok in his world and you're playing by the book (getting abortions on demand because he doesn't like condoms) then all is rosy.

I have a feeling you're about to see just how non-rosy things are when this nasty piece of work isn't getting his own way.

Please keep your baby, you can be assured that if you go by his timetable he'll make sure you never have a family.

Get support elsewhere, I have a feeling you're just about to find out exactly how little he cares.

Be prepared to split. I hope you do - he is foul. No doubt about it.

Fairylea · 05/01/2018 14:05

Another vote for keep the baby and get rid of the husband. You’re not on the same page at all child wise and never will be. There’s never going to be a right time for a baby.

diddl · 05/01/2018 14:06

Hang on, you weren't using contraception & he couldn't even be bothered to use condoms all the time?

I'd take that as a sign that he wasn't really bothered about avoiding pregnancy!

I hope that he does get over hiself.

I can't imagine having to be tied to such a selfish arse.

That to me one be the one sticking point of going ahead-he's the other parent.

DullAndOld · 05/01/2018 14:06

he sounds like a total cunt to be honest and he is certainly not 'caring' of you OP is he?
Doesn't like to use condoms? but it's OK for you to have repeated terminations? OK, but please just stop telling yourself how 'caring' he is because he is far from it, trust me.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/01/2018 14:07

Oh and tell your Mum. No, it isn't going to be a case of a lovely happy announcement - it's more likely that he'll soend the next few weeks putting you under horrendous pressure and trying to bully you into a termination, and you really don't need that.

He honestly is sickening, I've never heard anything so selfish and inhumane.

Buxbaum · 05/01/2018 14:08

Oh, OP. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this.

I have to agree with PP - I don't think your husband wants children. I don't think there's any evidence that he will feel differently in five years' time. You need to put yourself and your wishes first.

Figgygal · 05/01/2018 14:08

It doesn't sound like he will ever want children OP have your baby and leave the selfish arse

Mindovermatter1625 · 05/01/2018 14:09

We tried for years to have our babies, never take fertility for granted, after my first I surprisingly became more fertile for a short period only. I was 35 with my first and 36 with my second, I really regret not being a younger mum with lots more energy for my children but life didn’t work like that for me. I would never advise anyone to wait to start a wanted family.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2018 14:10

He honestly is sickening, I've never heard anything so selfish and inhumane.

Oh, stick around here, such types are legion. Men who try to bully women into late 2nd trimester abortions they don't want with promises of 'we'll try again in X years', who threaten suicide if their wives don't have a medical procedure they don't want on their bodies, etc etc - all have in common they don't like condoms or won't have a vasectomy.

NoqontroI · 05/01/2018 14:10

Don't do it op. If you have an abortion when you don't want one, and just do it for someone else, this will have a serious effect on your mental health. And you won't ever forgive him. I've been there and know exactly what that's like.

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 14:11

I say tell his and your mothers. By telling them you are making both of you accountable for any decision. 3 unwilling abortions with the man you’ve married is ridiculous - how can an educated couple like yourself use abortions as contraception? Angry

Xmaspuddingdisaster · 05/01/2018 14:11

Tell your parents you are pregnant.

TieGrr · 05/01/2018 14:11

Tell him you hate the sensation of abortions. Wanker.

I had my DD alone when I was 25. It was tough for a few years, but I got through it and eventually met someone new who adores both of us. You have a good job - you're in a much better place than I was. You can do this alone if you need to.

twofingerstoEverything · 05/01/2018 14:11

So you have been through every hormonal contraception going, experienced horrible side effects, also undergone two terminations- and he won't even wear condoms? What an absolute prick.
^^ Just about sums things up.
Don't allow him to pressure you into doing anything you don't want to. Your body. Your choice.

BlackBetha · 05/01/2018 14:12

He doesn't like the sensation of condoms? Well, I don't suppose you particularly like the 'sensation' of having one abortion after another (not to mention the awful side-effects you experienced with hormonal methods)? Suppose you have this abortion to please him, but you get pregnant again before his arbitrary 5-year date comes round - will he expect a fourth abortion? A fifth?

Sounds like he doesn't care what emotional and physical distress you go through, as long as he gets all the sex he wants with no responsibility or inconvenience for him.

I hope you do find a way to work things out, but you need to recognise that he's been incredibly selfish and uncaring towards you, on this issue, at least, however nice he may be in other aspects of life. More importantly, he needs to be made to see that.

mummmy2017 · 05/01/2018 14:12

This isn't the end of the world.
Since you know what you want this time, Stick to your baby, and tell your husband that your going ahead, and he needs to get his head around the idea he WILL be a dad before next Christmas.
You won't know if you still have a relationship for a while, but he may realise once he gets time to get over the shock, that this is a normal part of growing up and moving forward with life.
Good Luck...

Fairylea · 05/01/2018 14:12

I also think it’s ridiculous that he keeps pushing the age at which you can start trying back... late 20s is the perfect time to start having babies. To leave it till your late 30s is madness, yes lots of people do have babies then and it’s fine but biologically your fertility does begin to decline from your mid 30s and other health issues (for both of you) can start creeping in. I had my first child at 22 and my last at 33 and the difference between me health wise was vast - especially tiredness levels!

I think he just never wants children and is trying to put you off again and again.

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 14:12

Also, I think you need to have this baby. The mental toll on you if you don’t will be ridiculous later down the line.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2018 14:13

I'd tell both sets of parents, too. FUCK him, honestly.

powershowerforanhour · 05/01/2018 14:14

Glad you have your sister and friend to talk to OP. You have been through the wringer all right....best of luck- you deserve happiness. I'm typing this with my toddler daughter slumped asleep on top of me. Most inconvenient as I have stuff to do and can't move or she wakes up and scrambles back onto me. She's the best decision I ever made.
Flowers to you and wishing you strength and luck for the future.

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 14:14

Honestly Op I’m fuming for you. If you were my daughter I’d drag you away kicking and screaming.

RavingRoo · 05/01/2018 14:14

From him

RCN1 · 05/01/2018 14:15

No one else can make this decision for you, not us, not even your husband.

I have been in a not dissimilar situation. A termination as I came out of a relationship not long after university, which I do not regret. Then one after my partner and I had three children, which I do regret, having felt financially pressurised into it, and for which I grieved, and felt guilty. Then we had another child, just as we might have thought child bearing was behind us. We too are fertile (we were taking precautions), and surrounded by loved ones who are not.

Each decision was massively difficult. But when I followed my instincts, I made the right decision. When I didn't, I was very unhappy. Other people's advice wasn't always great (!). My partner, now my husband, is a lovely man, and a wonderful father to our children. Yet he asked me to consider a termination for four of the five times we were pregnant. I had to be very sure that I could raise our first child by myself, all those years ago, and be responsible for my decision to keep the baby. And he respected that. Our story has worked out well, but that's as much down to luck as much as love.

I hope you make the right decision, for you, and really wish you well.