Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

It's a whole bunch of pps.

Btw, it's the standard expression. And I am quite charming.

Op, congratulations, I hope you're very happy as a little family.

However because things don't always work out a you'd like...

Please don't give up your job to facilitate his when the baby arrives. I know you're married but if anything does go wrong jobs in academic libraries are not easy to get. Yes, even the non professional posts.

On a positive you'll need that job for money, professional development, commerarderie and a pension. And from a negative perspective you'll need the same.

I know academics and I know academic library staff. Academics are very used to doing their thing and having other people facilitate them. Don't be your husbands support staff!

Come back to MN if it ever feels a bit odd in your relationship.

All the best and congratulations on the baby.

YY to the PP who suggested counselling. I’d go so far to say you need some counselling by yourself to work out who you are and what your boundaries are in your own life.

Im struck by the ‘he made me/ he told me’ tone to your posts as well as the unbridled joy that he is letting you go ahead with the pregnancy. I’m troubled by the ‘oh he’s a big softy’ let’s-sweep-this-under-carpet resolution. He is deeply controlling at best and abusive at worst when he doesn’t get his own way.

It would be really, really sensible for you to develop a friendship network outside of this marriage especially with a baby on the way. NCT is sometimes great for meeting other parents to be.

FWIW I am married to an academic, whose department is chocka full of women who have their kids late 30s/early 40s and men married to much younger women. DH was surprised when I explained to him the stats for miscarriage/fertility issues post 35. The ‘normal’ in his department is parenthood far later than the average.

Someone mentioned the ‘hamster wheel’ of the job - this is so true - and you will need your boundaries in place before you are left with the full childrearing load as his work demands every minute of the day. You might take a look at the Relationship board at some point - reading other experiences and looking at responses sometimes resets our view of what we have considered ‘normal’ in our relationship.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Seek support if you need it.

Hi :)

I'll just say something, if he is behaving like this, he doesn't love you enough. The one being selfish is him. I would get my bad and my baby and walk away.

I hope your situation get sorted soon and u do what's better for yourself and your baby.
Lots of love :)

All the best OP

Congratulations OP and the very best of luck to both of you as parents. I would echo what a PP said...
KEEP YOUR JOB
Even if it's inconvenient and you discover that you'd rather be at home with your child(ren).
It's your ticket to freedom, should you ever need it.

Hang on.... You said it yourself. There is NEVER a perfect time. You might find you suddenly can't get pregnant again..... Anything could happen. How is your husband getting away with being so bloody selfish??? A life sentence???? Will he really want to have a baby in 5 years? It will be still view being a father so negatively? I say go ahead and enjoy your baby!

Give his form tutor or head of year a call, I promise they won’t judge you. I was a year 10 form tutor and dealt with stuff like this all the time.

Oh Jesus, posted that in completely the wrong place. I’m so sorry!

I can hear the pain in your voice op. The choice is yours alone, it sounds like you have pretty much made it. What if another top damages your fertility?

You want this child, be prepared to go it alobe if the man child doesnt man up. He may or may not come round. Will you be able to forgive him either way. Hes the one who is selfish. Good luck.

Just read your updates op! Fucking brilliant. I am really routing for your little family. I really hop it all works out.❤️

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.

Just something that you mentioned in your most recent update. "To budget, cut back etc"... is this something that he would normally do, as in if you were saving for a holiday or something normal that you would do. Is this something odd for him to say? It sort of came across that now because you wont having the abortion, could he being manipulative by now saying you must cut back? But then he mentions a holiday?

Not wanting to over analyse things, but that just seemed to stand out for me. Of course having a baby doesn't come cheap, so perhaps this is what he meant?

Congrats OP. Just read your update and sounds positive.

I had a similar situation with my DH (then OH) 7 years ago, he massively freaked out and he’s now for two DCs (6&2) he’s besotted with. I can hand on heart say since the initial ‘finding out’ week or two he has been absolutely fantastic at every step of pregnancy and parenthood. Fingers crossed yours will be the same and well done for standing your ground and giving him a chance to come around to it!

Why not compromise and have no 2 baby in 5 years, it's pretty scary having s baby but it's your body and you should decide.

Another congratulations from me OP.

From reading your updates I think this obviously wasn't his plan and he expected you to follow the course of action you'd agreed to previously.

You not doing this has knocked him for six.

I think the first signs you've had since you made it clear you are proceeding with the pregnancy are encouraging.

As he gets his head around it and especially when he sees the scan - something so beautiful, exciting and "real" he will do a 180 degree turn here is my bet.

It's relatively easy to talk about a pregnancy in the abstract for men I think - but once they've seen a heartbeat and a real "baby" that he created it feels very, very different.

Good luck OP

Hi all - I'm the OP (on a different account, couldn't find my old login details) and thought I'd come back with an update. Nearly 3 years on!

We now have a wonderful little boy. He is the absolute light of our lives and when I think how close we came to not having him my blood runs cold. Motherhood has been transformative for me. Since having my boy I've become a different person - way more assertive, confident, and secure of myself.

And my husband really is an absolutely brilliant father. As soon as our son was born something clicked. He shares all the parenting equally, is patient, engaged, loving. So proud of his son, and of me. He has never once seemed resentful or unhappy.

Recently he apologised for how he reacted when I told him I was pregnant. He says it is the biggest regret of his life, that he was being selfish and immature. Which he was. I don't really know why he reacted so badly. I don't know if I'll ever understand. But what I DO know now is my own self-worth, and if he ever treats me that badly again I won't put up with it. He knows that.

Our relationship has got a lot better since our son came along. I don't advocate having a baby to 'fix' a relationship at all, but in our case I think it changed my perspective and made me a stronger person, which has translated into our marriage as well.

And we are now using condoms EVERY time we dtd... that is, until we start trying for our second, which we will do in the new year, hopefully!

So, a happy ending for this thread. Thank you again for everyone who commented on it. I drew so much strength from you all.

Wow such a great ending! Congratulations! :)

That’s so brilliant - what an amazing happy ending

Just read and I'm so so happy for you op, good on you! Good luck with the little one and a massive congratulations

So pleased for you, I remember reading your thread at the time. Congratulations on your little boy

I'm very much pro-choice, but it definitely sounds to me like your husband is trying to bully you into doing something you don't want. He's the selfish one.

He's been watching too much TV if he thinks there's a perfect time to have a baby.

His 'compromise' actually made me angry. That's an horrific thing to suggest to someone who clearly wants to keep the pregnancy, never mind your own wife.

Please don't be pushed to do this. The only reason you should have an abortion is because YOU want one. Does he not realise how much resentment you'd carry for him if he made you do this?

Just realised this is a big thread! Congratulations OP!

@Nia18 I think you maybe need to have a look at the date on this thread and then read the update above! :-)