Husband wants abortion. First baby, unplanned. I'm so sad.

[Bibonks]

Hi all,

I'm in such a spin over this.

I'm 27, husband has just turned 29. We've been together 9 years, married for 2.

He's just finishing a PhD in philosophy and is applying for postdoc positions. I have a good, stable job in a university library, with great maternity leave / pay.

I've had two abortions with him, both due to contraceptive failure (we seem to be ridiculously fertile). The first time was an easy decision for me to make. The timing was absolutely wrong, we had no money, no stability, and could barely look after ourselves, let alone a baby. I was very early in the pregnancy and in no way did I think of it as a 'baby'.

The second time was harder. It turned out I was pregnant during our wedding; I found out about 5 days afterwards. I still made the decision, and I haven't regretted it, but it was far more stressful than the time before. We had a house by then, were settled, happy, with more financial stability. I'd thought of baby names. My husband knew it was hard for me, but didn't [I]really[/I] understand.

Since then I've been broody. I've talked over having children with him numerous times, and he wants to wait for another 5-10 years. I don't know if he is just stringing me along on this - I think he'd be happy if I said I never wanted kids.

I don't want to wait for a number of reasons, but one of the most pressing is that my parents are getting older (both now in their 70s), his parents are not in the best of health (his dad recently had prostate cancer and there's a risk it'll come back, his mum has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is already shaky), and I want them to have quality time with their grandchild while they're still fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. In another ten years' time, who knows what the situation will be - they may not be here, or we may well be caring for them.

After lots of soul-searching, I'd just sort of come round to the idea of waiting. I decided I'd make the most of my life, throw myself into work, distract myself from feeling so broody. But then my body seems to have played a trick on me. Thought I had the flu. Nope. HUGE dark BFP. Currently 4-5 weeks.

Obviously, my husband was terrified. He sort of assumed I'd get another abortion. But I can't. I can't face it. What do we do, just keep throwing away babies until the stars align and everything is perfect? It'll never be perfect. There'll always be something wrong. He seems to think getting an abortion is like getting the flu jab.

Yesterday he said that he'd been thinking lots about our 'situation' and that he'd decided we could 'compromise' by getting an abortion now and then definitely trying again in 5 years. I said an abortion wasn't a compromise, and that I wouldn't be getting one.

My husband is absolutely devastated. He is being incredibly cold towards me. He is saying things like 'it's like a prison sentence', 'I feel like a void has opened up in my life', 'you're going to hate being a mum', 'things will never be the same between us', 'you're being selfish'. I've tried to listen sympathetically. I know it's a shock. I know he's scared. I was an unplanned pregnancy too, and my Dad reacted in much the same way. He pressured my mum into an abortion, and it was only when they got to the clinic that my mum told him if he made her get one, she'd never love him again. He changed his mind. And as soon as I was born he was besotted, he's a wonderful dad, and equally I love him more than I can say. (I told my husband this and he just said 'great, just carry on the family tradition'.)

I hate this. I'm not a person who has a wide group of friends and confidantes. My husband is my world and my best friend, and without his support I feel utterly bereft and alone. I'm happy about this pregnancy. I've started taking my vitamins and researching birthing suites and thinking of names and I'm so excited. But I can't share any of it with him. And it's making me doubt my decision. Am I just being sentimental? Should I just get an abortion now before I get too attached? I've done it twice before, so really, what's different this time? But then I think about the little bean growing inside me and just feel so utterly sick at the thought of terminating.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any advice? Will he come round? Any reassuring words would help.

I know someone who married, was happy but the DH wasn’t honest about not wanting DC. They divorced, she met someone else and is happy but now really struggling to conceive due to her age, don’t do that

Just to echo what others have said....

I don't want to scare you with the fertility/age thing, but a friend of mine who is 35 is having difficulty conceiving with her husband, with whom she has had three abortions in her 20s. If this is want you want, go for it.

I agree it doesn't sound like he wants children at all. No one who actually wants a family and is in a position to care for a child insists on aborting a healthy pregnancy just because it's slightly earlier than planned.

He should have been honest with you (and himself) about that, and got a vasectomy, especially after you've been through this twice before. He must know that having an abortion (especially when you want to be a mum) isn't just like having a tooth out.

I am as pro-choice as anyone, but you really don't sound like you want to do this. You have to make the choice you can live with, and not be bullied into it by anyone.

I agree that it sounds as though he's stringing you along and doesn't really want to have children at all. In five years' time there will be another excuse, then another, until your fertility has fallen off a cliff.

I remember when I reached the first point in my life when getting pregnant wouldn't have felt like a complete disaster. That's different from the perfect time for a pregnancy (which is rocking horse droppings). It sounds as though you're comfortably into the "wouldn't be a disaster" territory and sound well set up to have the baby even if your husband does panic and run away.

Very best of luck whatever you choose and whatever happens.

Please keep your baby. You will be so unhappy if you have a third abortion.

What a charmer he sounds. I’m very much of the if the situation happens and you want an abortion then i would never judge anyone and have been there myself. But to be honest he sounds like he’s just stringing you along. Who knows in 5 years time if you will find it as easy to concieve or if you two will even be together. You sound like your in a great position to provide a loving home to your child. I generally roll my eyes at the ltb comments but think this in one situation where you need a frank chat with him, if it’s not a situation he wants to be part of then think it may be time to move on.

Have you discussed this with your parents? They would have a fairly good angle on this and support you in your decision. Can your Dad have a chat with him. This idea that a child is a prison sentence is just ridiculous.

I would come out with it and suggest to your husband that you are well aware that he obviously really doesn't want children at all, who would call them a prison sentence if they did?

I would also look into how having several abortions affects your ability to carry a pregnancy in the future. I'm sure I have read that it has a detrimental affect.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you.

You've been together a long time - didn't you ever discuss when you'd like to have children? Especially after the second abortion?

I agree with those that think he doesn't want children - look at how he's describing it! If he thinks it's a prison sentence, why would he want them in 5 years? Even if you did start trying then, if it's something "for" you rather than something you both want and are doing together, do you really think he will help with late nights, increased household chores, letting you have time to yourself? If children are important to you, do you really see this man as being the kind of co-parent you will want and deserve?

It's very easy to say LTB on a thread. But you need to have a long and serious conversation with your DH. If you cant do that, it doesn't sound like he's your best friend. He is right that things would never be the same between you again, but that's a choice couples make when they have children - different does not have to mean worse if you are with the right person.

Ask yourself:

1. can I cope with being a mother with a reluctant husband if I keep the baby?
2. can I cope with being a single mother if DH leaves over this?
3. can I cope with aborting again to placate DH so we can try again in 5 years?

Definitely what @thelegendofbeans and @seasonseatings say & you sound in a good position to raise a child if it goes pear shaped. As someone who at 33 (34 when born) will be raising DC1 after multiple problems conceiving I never thought possible in early life it sounds like you will definitely regret a third abortion & please don’t take fertility for granted

Good luck with DH

OP please please please don't get an abortion. You clearly want this baby badly and if you abort it will haunt you and would probably kill your marriage due to resentment.
If you break up you'll still have this lovely squishy little bundle of cuddles, you won't be alone.

I had an abortion in my 20s. A sickness bug whilst on the pill meant I found myself pregnant with someone I'd just met. I had no money and was just building up my career. We agreed to have an abortion. I found it hugely upsetting even though I felt sure I was doing the right thing, but once it was done I was able to move on with my life.

Many years later, that person I'd just met all those years ago is now my DH. We started trying for a baby aged 32, when our lives were in order and we were ready. Five years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage has caused us so much heartache. There are no guarantees that you will get pregnant again.

I also share the same uncertainties about your husband as others have expressed. He doesn't sound like someone who wants kids or can take responsibility for his actions.

Even back then, my now DH would have supported my decision either way, despite not wanting a child himself. You need to have an honest conversation about both of your wishes and he needs to be upfront with you. I'd just urge caution on gambling this baby that you want, for a future baby that might never come.

Sorry you find yourself in such an awful predicament.

My Grandmother always said that "if you play with fire you have to be prepared to get burnt"

Your DH needs to understand that a abortion isn't a form off contraception and if he didn't want to be burnt then he shouldn't play with the fire.

You clearly don't want another abortion so he should also be worried about your mental health. I feel that if you allow him to force you into an abortion, it will affect your feelings towards him in a far more destructive way than the changes that having the baby will make to your relationship.

Don't allow yourself to be pushed into this.

Could you suggest couples counselling to help him get over his fear and help him come to terms with impending parenthood?

It takes two to make a baby. Three times your husband has made one, and each time he expects you to "fix" things.

He can't turn round and say you've ruined his life etc, he planted the seed!

Please stay strong xxx
Congratulations

He thinks you'll try in 10 years and be successful? Good thing he didn't go for a Phd in Human Biology, because no-one puts money on those odds. There's a happy ending for some who start trying at that age, but not everyone. Agree with the PPs saying even with his "compromise" at five years he's putting this on the never-never. Something else will crop up, a house move or a new job or just one more holiday. NEWSFLASH- it's never the right time!

It's ironic that he's calling you selfish for not wanting to go through a medical procedure that you don't want and that you've undergone twice before, partly due to his wishes. The facts speak for themselves there. You've conceived on average once every three years you've been together- how many more (potential) babies are you going to get rid of before he decides it's the right time? How much harder is it going to be having those discussions and making each of those appointments? No, it's within your power to make this stop right now. This can be your line in the sand.

I would be concerned about how he views you and your wishes to be secondary to his own. He's about to enter the competitive world of academia- you only need to read the posts on here from people in that sector or married to them. It's hard work being the trailing spouse, but don't expect any consideration from him on that score.

TLDR- he's a knob. It's not often your heart and gut are in communion- go for it.

What a awfull man! He clearly does not want to be a farther At all. When the 5 years are up he will make another excuse, meanwhile your 5years older and u may not get pregnant so easily.
Embrace your pregnancy and if he's vile about it and doesn't support you, get rid!

Another vote for having the baby and binning the man. You're in a pretty good position to cope with single parenthood and you want the baby.
He sounds very much like the sort of man who will keep stringing you along until you are no longer fertile. He also sounds dubious and controlling and potentially abusive whether you have any DC with him or not. You have been with him for 9 years, you have few friends and he is 'your world'. You were still in your teens when you started dating him and have probably not had any other boyfriends. I think you can do better than wasting your life on one man who doesn't appear to have your best interests at heart but just wants a convenient 'partner'.

I think there’s a time and place for abortion, but in your situation I would keep it too.

There’s no guarantee you will be able to have kids in 5 let alone 10 years. A friend of mine got pregnant at your age, aborted and then went into premature ovarian failure - she now can’t have kids at all. That aside, it’s totally understandable you don’t want to go through another abortion.

Wrt your DH there are ways of panicking without being such an arsehole. He doesn’t sound like a nice person at all.

Bi you have already attached to this baby :(
I was 30 and my ex wanted me to have abortion even booked it for xmas eve! I couldn't go through with it I wanted my baby he said relationship would not last it lasted 2 months more...he has never had anything to with his child and I have never regretted my decision. Also at 31 having my only child I felt leaving it longer would have been harder as older. You are a perfect age but you may have to go it alone and release the man child from his 'prison sentence' you learn that the love for your child is far far superior!
Make this decision what you want which you already no the answer by what you have posted.

I don't have direct experience of this, but I do have experience of my marriage breaking up when I really wanted a second child and ex-h didn't. That wasn't the only issue, clearly. So, since you asked for any people with similar experiences: I was very isolated when my marriage first broke up. I had no real friends that I was in regular contact with and I really thought I'd lost everything when I lost him. But, within a really short time frame I had bounced back and managed to see the positive side. Now I am really happy and much more content with life than I ever was with him. The only two things I really lost were the large family I would have wanted and the 'prestige' of being married (this applies to my line of work more than to society in general), everything else is so much better without him.

So, just to say that if you want the baby and he doesn't, I would go with your decision rather than trying to please him. If your relationship ends up breaking down over it (which, as others have said, there's a reasonable chance of whatever decision you make now) then it won't be the end of the world however bad it might look from this side.

He is treating you like an object by hoping to deal with any unwanted pregnancies in the next 5 years by just making them go away. He gets everything he wants without having to grow up. And you have no guarantee that he won't come up with more excuses in 5 years' time. I wouldn't bother with the argument that you will be less fertile in 5-10 years (because, as you've said, you think he might not be bothered about never being able to have children) but just stick to your guns that you want this real child, not whatever fictional child might come along in another decade.

You're a settled, married couple with one decent job and prospect of another (he might not have secured a post-doc place yet, but with a PhD it's highly unlikely he'll ever be completely unemployable and unable to earn anything), a home, loving family, at peak starting a family age ... does he have any actual reason at all for wanting you to abort?! It's not you that's being selfish, it's him. He appears to want a carefree teenage lifestyle à la Peter Pan - if that's the case then he'd be better off in a flat-share with a group of undergraduate mates and leave you to be an adult on your own.

TLDR: keep the baby. Your marriage may or may not survive but you (and the child) will cope fine either way and end up happy.

Poor OP. She's probably horrified by the responses here. :(

But it does sound as though her husband is awful.

I feel that if you allow him to force you into an abortion, it will affect your feelings towards him in a far more destructive way than the changes that having the baby will make to your relationship

Exactly. An abortion in these circumstances will destroy the relatinship. So OP is between a rock and a hard place.

Your H clearly doesn't care much for your physical or mental health, to keep impregnating you and thinking he can just send you off for an abortion so that his life isn't impacted in any way, and trying to bully you into one you don't want. Take him out of the equation, if you want to have your baby then do so. You may be a single parent but it seems unlikely your relationship would survive you terminating against your wishes anyway. Seek support from another source- parents, friends, colleagues. Take your vitamins, arrange your booking in appt, make the pregnancy 'real' now you have made your decision.

Two abortions already? In a "stable" relationship? And now he wants a third? That is one of the sickest men I have ever come across. Leave the bastard and have the poor baby. Disgusting.

one of the best bits of advice I got when thinking about when to have children was that there is no good time, career-wise - his career will never align to the perfect time to have a baby.
For you, THIS is the time. Have your baby, and enjoy your baby, and if he really cannot come around, he is selfish and unreasonable and doesn't deserve the baby or you.